Difficulties for Young Marriages

[Jenna]

I figured that I would piggyback off of another thread we have running, bringing up a comment that Leanna made.

It was Leanna's observation that out of the posts here, it looks as though it is the younger married couples who are having the majority of problems. I can see how that looks to be the case, although it would be interesting to see what the stats are for society on a whole, just for curiosities sake. lol

I think that the assessment of the situation is probably correct, and I wonder if it can really be any other way. Our world is a fount of iniquity these days, and I guess I just figure that the filth that flows is bound to leak into just about every area of our lives....as much as we let it. As Christians, we try to live good lives, to do our best in this life. However, it doesn't mean that we are immune to all of the ungodly influences that are thrown at us from all sides.

So, I'm wondering if we can expect it to be any better for subsequent generations of married folks, if society keeps this trend toward evil and the degradation of marriage. Wouldn't it always be the case then, that the young married folks would have the most problems? I venture that it would be even harder for those coming from non-Christian backgrounds, those newly to the faith, or those who marry someone who fits that bill. What do you think?

After looking at the people around me, I think that the difficulties that the young people in my circle have with marriage stem from the fall of marriages from the previous generation. Without some type of firm foundation, it is hard to make anything that will stand the test of time. My parents, for example, had a very rocky marriage that ended in infidelity and divorce. Through my youth, all I saw were fights and lots of hurting. So, that left me ill prepared to have a healthy marriage myself. After all, it is hard to emulate something that you've never seen. My husband grew up in the same kidn of environment. I kind of wonder if maybe that has more to do with some of these 'young marriage' problems than simply a person's age. How many of us come from families that have started strong and stayed strong? I know of two couples in my more immediate family who have survived. That's it.

So, how about y'all? What do you think contributes most to the difficulties that young married couples are facing?

 

[herev]

try this link for stats
http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=rel_mar_statistics.xml&section=Relationships/Sex&subsection=Marriage

tommy

 

[alaskamolly]

Think about what you are taught in public school (which is what most of us went through, and then were married a few years after).




You learn a bunch of little unrelated tidbits from various subjects...

You learn to play sports...

You learn to flirt with the opposite sex (well, I did)...

You learn that condoms are a good thing to take along on Prom night...

You learn that home is where you sleep at, but your productive hours are spent elsewhere...

Etc...




Do you learn what it takes to have and maintain a healthy marraige?

Do you even learn that marraige is a good thing, or that it takes effort to be happily married?

Do you learn any parenting skills--any basics about what children are like at various stages, and how to train them to be good productive adult citizens?

Do you learn anything about managing a home? How to love a wife, how to love a husband??




Not blaming public school, because the whole idea of our modern public school system is to train young rats to join the ratrace and go be good little employees in their various levels and social spheres (which is also something one learns during their years in the school system--what their social status is, how smart or dumb they supposedly are)...




You can see that I'm not a huge fan of the modern form of public schooling... so disagree here with me if you like (won't hurt my feelings!), but all I'm trying to say is that marraige is an art form, for which previous centuries have been PREPARED FOR THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD.

Our current social system does just about everything BUT prepare one for marraige and parenting...


Sooo...all that to say...
It's no wonder it's hard work for young couples!


It's like being joined to a financial firm and yet barely even having your addition tables memorized, but being expected to prepare taxes and run statements and whatnot... Yeesh...



Those couples who diligently seek to LEARN, can and do make it work. And those who take it one step further, gently teaching and training (in word AND example) their children, are to be highly commended. They won't pass the curse of ignorance on to the next generation, and their children will enter into marraige with SO much less to fight their way through, and so much more energy to concentrate on pursuing their dreams together.



We're looking forward to passing our children the gift of a happy marriage, but it's something we've fought hard for, and fight to maintain, because we were so inadequately prepared. We are delighted to think about what amazing things our children will do as adults, all becuase they will not have to spend so much time learning things that they should have been taught while growing up!




My two pennies, albeit very opininated!


Love in Him,
Molly

 

[bkg]

So, I'm wondering if we can expect it to be any better for subsequent generations of married folks, if society keeps this trend toward evil and the degradation of marriage. Wouldn't it always be the case then, that the young married folks would have the most problems? I venture that it would be even harder for those coming from non-Christian backgrounds, those newly to the faith, or those who marry someone who fits that bill. What do you think?

I think you'll see marriage disappear w/in the next 50-100 years. Our society has no concept, even in Christian circles, of a covenant. We simply will not dedicate ourselves to anything that doesn't bring us instant gratification.

Add to that the gay marrriage issue, the increase in the number of people living together outside of marriage, the increase in divorce rates amongst Christians (no stats to back that up), and the fact that Christians are becoming so politically correct that even our leaders often will not take a stand on God's word and "tell it like it is"...

So, how about y'all? What do you think contributes most to the difficulties that young married couples are facing?

Instant gratification. We are a throw-away society; if it doesn't work, get a new one. Lack of a true faith in a God WHO HAS NOT CHANGED. Complete inability to take responsibility for our own actions, our own thoughts, our own sins, our own growth areas. The entitlement mentality that we have, and the complete and utter lack of work ethic...



Sorry, Jenna.... I guess I really don't have much of an opinion on this one...

 

[selune]

To add to this is the pressure younger people can put on themselves to not make the mistakes the older generation made that caused so much hurt. In essence they try too hard and cause new problem for themselves. Most people will admit that no marriage is "easy" that there are difficult times. So many young people who have seen parents' marriages dissolve and decide not to have that happen in their own marriages haven't experienced the situation where rough times are encountered and the couple works through those times. They have experienced only the giving in. So even when they resolve to not follow in their parents' footsteps and let a marriage fail, they don't know how to respond to a rough time.

 

[charligirl]

I heard the other day (on the 700 club on the God channel I think) that there is evidence to suggest that when societies do away with marriage, the society breaks down within 3 generations. Certainly seems plausible, if we ignore God's plan and His laws of covenant then we are attacking the very essence of family life and moral society.

In response to your question Jenna, I think you are right, the more people we have marrying who did not have a strong model of how marriage should be, the more problems there will be in marriage, it acts as a snowball effect, and eventually I think that will end up where marriage will not be neccessary or acceptable anymore.

I and my husband both come from strong families where our parents had happy marriages and are still together ( well mine are on 36 years, and his were until his father died in his 70's) I was about 20 before I realised that that wasn't the norm!! Most of my friends, extended family and parents friends were the same, and actually most of them are not christians either, they just had an old fashioned belief in marriage 'come what may' and working through the tough times.

Having said that, if I had married young, I htink I would have been divoreced by now even though I had a strong model.. purely because I used to choose the wrong guys. And my husband has had a failed marriage before he was saved... so even with the 'right' upbringing with regard to marriage it doesn't always guarantee sucess!

 

[EmSchmem]

I'm just wondering why we wouldn't be having problems. I take young marriages to be those who have young marriages not the people are necessarily young. When we are learning to be married, it is SO hard! I think it's less the problems we are having than it is how we approach them. If we go to God and others with our troubles, we send a big message that problems and all our marriages are important to us. The problems are going to be there, that's just the way it is. We might have more because of the kinds of things we are exposed to but problems are goign to be there anyway.

 

[Jenna]

Hey, thanks for the awesome replies guys!

---------------------
So, with it being clear that so many couples come to marriages ignorant of what it means to be married and stay married, how do we change that? It almost seems like the blind leading the blind anymore, simply because divorce rates are so high. Do we start just within our families? Should we endevour to change society, or just flourish amongst the filth?

For me, personally, being a young married person has been difficult mainly because of everyone else's outlooks on marriage. I don't know if I have one family member who has faith in my marriage. Instead, many people watch my husband and myself and wait to watch us fail. After all, out of my generation in our family, only one other couple aside from my husband and I, have managed to still be married.

Sometimes I wish that there were more learning options for young married couples. For one reason or another, support has been hard to come by for us. Our church started doing the "Homebuilders" lessons, and that was a great blessing. However, in the course of things and the business of life, the marriage support has fallen away. I wonder if marriage is even a real priority for those within the church. *scratches head* Isn't it vital? Isn't it our "rainbow", to mimic and remind us of God's covenant with us? It is beyond me why it doesn't seem to be a more important and valued, at least within the church.

Lastly, do you think that there is a chance for a rebound? Do you think that there will come a time when people get tired of the evil and will choose to turn to a healtheir lifestyle? Or, do you think that we will continue to degrade as a people until society falls apart and we basically destroy ourselves?

 

[Jenna]

Hi em

I agree that any marriage in it's beginning can be termed a 'young marriage'. The original reference was taken from a thread that discussed people marrying at a younger age, and that is why I approached it more in the way that I have. I know, I know...I probably should have been more clear. lol

 

[bkg]

So, with it being clear that so many couples come to marriages ignorant of what it means to be married and stay married, how do we change that? It almost seems like the blind leading the blind anymore, simply because divorce rates are so high. Do we start just within our families? Should we endevour to change society, or just flourish amongst the filth?

I have a few thoughts on this, actually, as I've discussed this with a few pastors.
1. Churches MUST spend more time teaching the Word of God as Truth and unchanging.
2. Churches MUST spend more time teaching our young what it means to be in a Godly marriage - not a wordly marriage.
3. Pre-marital counselling should me more than 2-4 sessions with a pastor... It should entail (imho), attending DivorceCare classes, finding and connecting with a "mentor couple" who can guide the engaged couple through engagement and the first year of marriage.
4. Divorce must never be uttered in a marriage
5. Pastors/counselors need to preach Job when marriages are struggling

Sometimes I wish that there were more learning options for young married couples. For one reason or another, support has been hard to come by for us.

I've talked to my Pastor about this as well.
We start w/ Awana, then youth groups, then young-adults groups, then couples groups, then pre-marital counseling, then the wedding, then... uh... then.............


DivorceCare.

Something missing here? YES! As soon as a cuople says "i do", we walk away and say "have a great life! We'll be here when your marriage crumbles to help pick up the pieces!"...

And that... in my opinion... is one of the greatest problems the church has these days.

Lastly, do you think that there is a chance for a rebound? Do you think that there will come a time when people get tired of the evil and will choose to turn to a healtheir lifestyle? Or, do you think that we will continue to degrade as a people until society falls apart and we basically destroy ourselves?

Only time we'll see a rebound is when Jesus comes again, IMHO. Unless Bible believing, God fearing Christians step up to the plate and are prepared for martyrdom, we will see few, if any, changes in our society.

I'm optimistic today, eh?

 

[Jenna]

You know I like ya anyway. lol

 

[bkg]

You know I like ya anyway. lol

THANKS!

 

[charligirl]

I agree with bkg, the church has a responsibility here. Our pastors run a 'marriage w/end once a year and have a tape series which is awesome, they have been married 20 years through some pretty rough patches as well as good and now have a fabulous marriage so they teach from experience. But i htink there is room to do more, room to teach 'marriage classes' to the wider secular community. My old church ran 'Family Life Skills' courses which taught some good tools for healthy relationships and family life, that was open to non christians as well because although it was biblically based it wasn't a bible study or anything so they felt comfortable. Food for thought!

 

[katelyn]

I think part of the problem is how image-based we are these days. I think this is why my husband and I have had a hard time finding a Christian group of friends where we really feel comfortable. Most of the Christians I know are more concerned with appearing to be perfect little Christians than actually dealing with the problems of life and growing in God. I'm not trying to lay the blame on others here; I know we are also guilty of not finding a way to break the mold and be honest within our church. But it is my hope that we will find a place where it's okay to say, "We're having problems with ___" and not worry that other people are going to judge us, assume we are headed for divorce, that we're "not really Christians," etc. I hope for a place where we can all openly and honestly share our struggles and experiences to help each other. I really think that would make a huge difference and take a lot of burden off of marriages.

 

[katelyn]

I just wanted to add, that I don't really think that all that many people in the Christian circles I associate with would actually be judgmental and looking down on someone who spoke up honestly about their problems. I'm sure there are a couple people like that, but I think the majority are like me...probably wanting to say something but afraid of taking the step of being the first one to reveal their weakness and not knowing what type of reaction you are opening yourself up for. It takes courage, and it's something I'm trying to work on.

I do think that it would be really nice to have a mentor couple. That way, if we are uncomfortable bringing something up with a group, we could bring it up privately with an experienced, trusted couple without fear of judgment, etc.

 

[Flipper]

So, with it being clear that so many couples come to marriages ignorant of what it means to be married and stay married how do we change that? It almost seems like the blind leading the blind anymore, simply because divorce rates are so high. Do we start just within our families? Should we endevour to change society, or just flourish amongst the filth?

I don't think every aspect of the concept of being committed to a marriage can be necessarily taught. You can drill and drill the Bible into the person and make them go to retreats, and such, but when it comes down to it, being committed to making a marriage work is as much a maturity matter, as a spiritual matter. Young people can make a marriage work if they have the maturity to do so, and many do. However, many young people don't, which is a huge factor in many young marriages ending in divorce. Some people are immature no matter how old they are. I'm not saying it's all maturity, it isn't. I just think that is an important part of the bigger picture of marriage.

Lastly, do you think that there is a chance for a rebound? Do you think that there will come a time when people get tired of the evil and will choose to turn to a healtheir lifestyle? Or, do you think that we will continue to degrade as a people until society falls apart and we basically destroy ourselves?

I think we are seeing the beginnings of a rebound. People are realizing what is happening and are both growing up and looking towards God to lead their lives. It took many decades to get to where we are now, we can't expect the world to change overnight - but I think things will get better.

 

[bkg]

One additional thing I've been thinking about... I think I've stated it before.

Divorce is accepted in Christian communities as something that happens to marriages... i.e. marriages fail.

Struggling marriages are embarassing to talk about, embarassing to look for help with. i.e. we are struggling with... (as katelyn said)

Notice the difference?
1. the marriage failed.
2. We're struggling.

the focus is completely different.

I think there's an essay in here somewhere.

 

[Flipper]

One additional thing I've been thinking about... I think I've stated it before.

Divorce is accepted in Christian communities as something that happens to marriages... i.e. marriages fail.

Struggling marriages are embarassing to talk about, embarassing to look for help with. i.e. we are struggling with... (as katelyn said)

Notice the difference?
1. the marriage failed.
2. We're struggling.

the focus is completely different.

I think there's an essay in here somewhere.

That's an EXCELLENT point. Too many times, I see people posting here saying that their spouse is doing something very wrong, and they can't take it anymore, but they can't talk to their pastor about it. Why? Well, it's because the pastor won't believe them, or would look down on them, or it's because the man is always right, or the woman is always right, etc. You probably nailed it on the head where churches are failing in helping families stay together.

 

[bkg]

Ooooooh... another profound though...

Well... if my other thoughts were profound, this one surely is...

If it's not... remember I have a fragile ego...

Do you realize that we spent 12-24 years in school preparing to get a JOB so that we can make money and have a house, car, etc... We invest upwards of $500K in an education so that we may receive dividends on that invest ment. That's a huge outlay of time and money.






i wonder how our marriages would be if we spent as much time, energy and money preparing for marriage as we do for getting a job.



hmmmm....

 

[Leanna]

me? I said that? Are you sure you quoted me correctly?

One additional difficulty for young marriages is money! Of course we still don't have money.... maybe someday...

katelyn, if you start a countdown now (7 week pregnant) you will go crazy by the end! Only recently have I began to get impatient, and I am due Sept. 6th. My sister in law had a baby a week ago which made me extra anxious to meet my baby.