Did I scare her off?

[Iamwhatyoumademe1129]

I (20M) went on three dates with this girl (F18) about 2 months ago. On the first date, I had to meet her family. First date was a blast, we had a lot of fun. She asked me my political opinions, which I found a bit weird, but okay. Our values and interests align so perfectly I ask her on a second date, and she said yes with a lot of excitement. A week later, we have our second date.



Second date was good, but I feel I messed up. I told her I was looking for a serious relationship, she said she was looking for the same thing. Then I proceeded to asking her what she saw in me that made her want to go out with me, and I also said how I was looking for someone, all that desperate/needy stuff. Then I asked her if we could hold hands. She freezes for like 5 seconds, then said yes. After holding hands she asked me about the future, what my plans were, if I wanted a family, if I was able to relocate, what kind of house we are going to live in. I then asked her on a third date, which she said yes, but not with as much excitement as before.



Then a week goes by and the texting is good, flirtatious. Then she tells me how the sunset is pretty, I then text her saying that we would watch prettier sunsets together.



Midweek, and she wants to see a movie with me. I agreed, she gets all excited. Then the day of the movie comes, and she is a completely different person. She is sad, reserved, quiet, wearing a hoodie in a 90 degree weather. During the movie, I ask her if we could hold hands, which she turned down. Later she says that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, that her family was going through a hard time, and when that happens, she distances her self from others. I thought that was weird.



Then two days later, we go on a third date. She is in a better mood. We have a lot of fun, so I thought things were back to normal. So I asked her if I could hold her hand, which she said no. I said it’s all good, and just continued the date like it never happened. Then at the end I ask her out on a fourth date and she says she needs to think about it.



A week goes by of no contact, then she tells me that after praying a lot, she felt God indicating to her that we were not going to end up together, that we would end up with different people.



I asked her when she felt God telling her that. She says she felt fit between the second and third date, before the movie, which makes sense since her whole attitude changed.



And yes, we are both believers. But honestly speaking, is it possible God really told her we wouldn't end up together?



My question is, did I come off too strong in the second date? Did I scare her off?

 

[Rescued One]

It doesn't sound like you did something wrong. She sounds like a flake. Of course, I'm not seeing everything, but my advice is to forget her. Seriously.

 

[bèlla]

Possibly too strong.
Too much emoting.
Moved too fast.
I doubt she heard from God.

Sound like euphoria and once she settled down she had a change of heart. Next time take things slow. Allow the acquaintance to grow naturally. Don’t try to plan your life in two dates.

~bella

 

[LesSme]

She was the one who was moving too fast; you did just fine and sound like a very respectful and sensitive young gentleman.

Asking you what kind of house you would live in together is not appropriate on a second date. Talk about presumptuous.

It sounds like she is a very unhappy young lady looking for an escape. As long as she is discontent wherever God has placed her for now, she won’t be content anywhere else, either.

 

[disciple Clint]

I (20M) went on three dates with this girl (F18) about 2 months ago. On the first date, I had to meet her family. First date was a blast, we had a lot of fun. She asked me my political opinions, which I found a bit weird, but okay. Our values and interests align so perfectly I ask her on a second date, and she said yes with a lot of excitement. A week later, we have our second date.



Second date was good, but I feel I messed up. I told her I was looking for a serious relationship, she said she was looking for the same thing. Then I proceeded to asking her what she saw in me that made her want to go out with me, and I also said how I was looking for someone, all that desperate/needy stuff. Then I asked her if we could hold hands. She freezes for like 5 seconds, then said yes. After holding hands she asked me about the future, what my plans were, if I wanted a family, if I was able to relocate, what kind of house we are going to live in. I then asked her on a third date, which she said yes, but not with as much excitement as before.



Then a week goes by and the texting is good, flirtatious. Then she tells me how the sunset is pretty, I then text her saying that we would watch prettier sunsets together.



Midweek, and she wants to see a movie with me. I agreed, she gets all excited. Then the day of the movie comes, and she is a completely different person. She is sad, reserved, quiet, wearing a hoodie in a 90 degree weather. During the movie, I ask her if we could hold hands, which she turned down. Later she says that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, that her family was going through a hard time, and when that happens, she distances her self from others. I thought that was weird.



Then two days later, we go on a third date. She is in a better mood. We have a lot of fun, so I thought things were back to normal. So I asked her if I could hold her hand, which she said no. I said it’s all good, and just continued the date like it never happened. Then at the end I ask her out on a fourth date and she says she needs to think about it.



A week goes by of no contact, then she tells me that after praying a lot, she felt God indicating to her that we were not going to end up together, that we would end up with different people.



I asked her when she felt God telling her that. She says she felt fit between the second and third date, before the movie, which makes sense since her whole attitude changed.



And yes, we are both believers. But honestly speaking, is it possible God really told her we wouldn't end up together?



My question is, did I come off too strong in the second date? Did I scare her off?

I do not believe that you are the problem, something is going on in her family as she said, I would look there for the answer to why her behavior changed. Also I think you should be who you are and not what you think a woman wants you to be. Let her fall in love with the real you and the relationship with last and last because it will be based on a solid foundation of honesty.

 

[coffee4u]

Unlike the others here I do think you came on too strong. She is only 18 which is very young and you are only 20 which means you have another 5 years for your brain to develop and she has 7. Many people will tell you how vastly different they were at 18 vs 25. Now not to say some people don't find their mate at a very young age and grow together, but its rare. First dates should be friendly and low key, certainly no talk about the future on a second date.

 

[tturt]

It may seem ok to you but seems very fast to me and my husband. If my daughter told me about those dates, would have urged her to stop.

Asking your political opinions is extremely revealing of values and interests.

Rabbi Lapin encourages talking (without face to face) for hours before even getting together. Seems great advice to me.

 

[bèlla]

18 is young and most don’t expect them to respond like someone in their 20s in that situation. Being uncertain and having your head in the clouds at that age is okay.

If marriage is your goal you may want to explore courtship and broach it through that perspective. You’ll have time to get acquainted and confirm your suitability without getting ahead of yourselves.

~bella

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I (20M) went on three dates with this girl (F18) about 2 months ago. On the first date, I had to meet her family. First date was a blast, we had a lot of fun. She asked me my political opinions, which I found a bit weird, but okay. Our values and interests align so perfectly I ask her on a second date, and she said yes with a lot of excitement. A week later, we have our second date.



Second date was good, but I feel I messed up. I told her I was looking for a serious relationship, she said she was looking for the same thing. Then I proceeded to asking her what she saw in me that made her want to go out with me, and I also said how I was looking for someone, all that desperate/needy stuff. Then I asked her if we could hold hands. She freezes for like 5 seconds, then said yes. After holding hands she asked me about the future, what my plans were, if I wanted a family, if I was able to relocate, what kind of house we are going to live in. I then asked her on a third date, which she said yes, but not with as much excitement as before.



Then a week goes by and the texting is good, flirtatious. Then she tells me how the sunset is pretty, I then text her saying that we would watch prettier sunsets together.



Midweek, and she wants to see a movie with me. I agreed, she gets all excited. Then the day of the movie comes, and she is a completely different person. She is sad, reserved, quiet, wearing a hoodie in a 90 degree weather. During the movie, I ask her if we could hold hands, which she turned down. Later she says that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, that her family was going through a hard time, and when that happens, she distances her self from others. I thought that was weird.



Then two days later, we go on a third date. She is in a better mood. We have a lot of fun, so I thought things were back to normal. So I asked her if I could hold her hand, which she said no. I said it’s all good, and just continued the date like it never happened. Then at the end I ask her out on a fourth date and she says she needs to think about it.



A week goes by of no contact, then she tells me that after praying a lot, she felt God indicating to her that we were not going to end up together, that we would end up with different people.



I asked her when she felt God telling her that. She says she felt fit between the second and third date, before the movie, which makes sense since her whole attitude changed.



And yes, we are both believers. But honestly speaking, is it possible God really told her we wouldn't end up together?



My question is, did I come off too strong in the second date? Did I scare her off?

Sometimes the chemistry is just not there.
Blessings.

 

[tturt]

And one of the most important factors is how conflict resolution is handled

 

[Trusting in Him]

A lot of the most important language early on in a relationship tends to be non verbal. Just talking without letting your eyes doing some of the talking and reading her eye contact as well can show that you are not necessarily connecting on the right level. If you are relying too much on words, you may not appear to be all that interesting.

I am a businessman, who has a small picture framing busines and many of my customers are women. Women are often very comfortable when you show them things and use questioning eye contact to get them to respond in the same way. It's an imoptant part of how to comunicate! What is she seeing in your eyes as you communicte? Words are not always interpreted in the ways which you intend, but your eyes nearly always tell the truth!

Facial expressions and interactive use of eye contact, say a lot about how confident you are as a communicator and women don't take long to notice this. Failure to create the right level of interest visually can make you appear to be a very one dimensionally oriented person. You may think that you are saying all the right things, but if you cannot connect on a more meaningful level, maybe she thinks something is missing!

 

[*LILAC]

Sounds like alot and it went very fast! Slow down and see if you can just maintain a friendship to start with.

Politics on a first date with the family? That is scary fast! Where did you meet? Had you been friends for awhile already? Pace yourselves and don't be in a hurry.

 

[coffee4u]

It may seem ok to you but seems very fast to me and my husband. If my daughter told me about those dates, would have urged her to stop.

Same, if my daughter had told me that at 18 I would have advised her to drop the young man too, so its quite possible this is what happened.

 

[Iamwhatyoumademe1129]

Possibly too strong.
Too much emoting.
Moved too fast.
I doubt she heard from God.

Sound like euphoria and once she settled down she had a change of heart. Next time take things slow. Allow the acquaintance to grow naturally. Don’t try to plan your life in two dates.

~bella

Yeah you are right! I think that is why the first date was so successful. I was just chill, being myself and focused on having fun.

But on the second date, I got scared of being friendzoned (due to an online dating course advice where if you do not make a move by date 2 you will be friendzoned...). As a result I felt like I had to ask her if I could hold her hand. But before that I asked her if she was looking for a serious relationship. I was really needy and desperate by telling her how much I prayed for God to send someone, and asked her what she saw in me. In between the conversation she apparently got distracted because she saw a turtle. I thought that was weird but now looking back I think she was trying to breathe from all the bombs I was dropping.

But SHE was the one who tried to plan life in 2 dates. She was the one who asked me if I was looking for a family, all that future stuff. That is what I am confused about. But I guess she just went along with it.

What really puzzles me is that on the third date I told her to let me know if I was rushing and she said nothing.

Possibly too strong.
Too much emoting.
Moved too fast.
I doubt she heard from God.

Sound like euphoria and once she settled down she had a change of heart. Next time take things slow. Allow the acquaintance to grow naturally. Don’t try to plan your life in two dates.

~bella

 

[Iamwhatyoumademe1129]

Unlike the others here I do think you came on too strong. She is only 18 which is very young and you are only 20 which means you have another 5 years for your brain to develop and she has 7. Many people will tell you how vastly different they were at 18 vs 25. Now not to say some people don't find their mate at a very young age and grow together, but its rare. First dates should be friendly and low key, certainly no talk about the future on a second date.

You are right. I came on too strong by asking her if she was looking for something serious and by holding hands with her. I was too afraid of getting friend zoned, due to an online dating course advice. What a mistake. Now, she was the one who initiated the talk about the future. Of course, I contributed to that conversation, but she initiated. Maybe she had a change of heart and came to the realization it was just too fast?


What is also interesting is that on the movie date, only her dad was there to greet me, not her mom. Maybe the family problem included me.



Here is my theory. Hear me out. After our second date she tells her parents how the date went. Her dad maybe was skeptical but still kept the door open. Her mom on the contrary, did not agree with what happened and started bombarding her to end things with me. She says no, and that leads to a family struggle. (Even though our texting increased and was flirtatious). When I pick her up, her dad is there, but not her mom. Then we go to to the movies, and her attitude was different. Maybe as opposed to what I thought, the family problem did include me. On the movie date, I ask her if we could hold hands. She doesn’t want to. My mistake. But then apologizes because on the second date she said yes. Then 2 days later on the third date things were going well until I asked her again to hold hands. What a stupid mistake. That leads her to become skeptical about me, and righteously so. When I ask her out on a fourth date, she says she needs to talk to God. Then she tells her parents, and they together agree it is best to end things and she interprets this as a sign from God. One week later, she ends things saying God told her to. She says that she first felt it between the second date and the movie date, probably when her mom told her to end things.

 

[River__raine]

I (20M) went on three dates with this girl (F18) about 2 months ago. On the first date, I had to meet her family. First date was a blast, we had a lot of fun. She asked me my political opinions, which I found a bit weird, but okay. Our values and interests align so perfectly I ask her on a second date, and she said yes with a lot of excitement. A week later, we have our second date.



Second date was good, but I feel I messed up. I told her I was looking for a serious relationship, she said she was looking for the same thing. Then I proceeded to asking her what she saw in me that made her want to go out with me, and I also said how I was looking for someone, all that desperate/needy stuff. Then I asked her if we could hold hands. She freezes for like 5 seconds, then said yes. After holding hands she asked me about the future, what my plans were, if I wanted a family, if I was able to relocate, what kind of house we are going to live in. I then asked her on a third date, which she said yes, but not with as much excitement as before.



Then a week goes by and the texting is good, flirtatious. Then she tells me how the sunset is pretty, I then text her saying that we would watch prettier sunsets together.



Midweek, and she wants to see a movie with me. I agreed, she gets all excited. Then the day of the movie comes, and she is a completely different person. She is sad, reserved, quiet, wearing a hoodie in a 90 degree weather. During the movie, I ask her if we could hold hands, which she turned down. Later she says that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, that her family was going through a hard time, and when that happens, she distances her self from others. I thought that was weird.



Then two days later, we go on a third date. She is in a better mood. We have a lot of fun, so I thought things were back to normal. So I asked her if I could hold her hand, which she said no. I said it’s all good, and just continued the date like it never happened. Then at the end I ask her out on a fourth date and she says she needs to think about it.



A week goes by of no contact, then she tells me that after praying a lot, she felt God indicating to her that we were not going to end up together, that we would end up with different people.



I asked her when she felt God telling her that. She says she felt fit between the second and third date, before the movie, which makes sense since her whole attitude changed.



And yes, we are both believers. But honestly speaking, is it possible God really told her we wouldn't end up together?



My question is, did I come off too strong in the second date? Did I scare her off?

I do not think you scared her off, I instead think something really did happen with her family. The best thing you can do is respect her wishes and move on. The behaviour you described usually cannot be faked as it is serious. Even if she doesn’t want to date maybe message her and say something like “Hey, sorry if I came off a bit strong, if you ever need me I’m here and if you don’t want a relationship that’s fine but I’m always willing to talk. <3”

 

[coffee4u]

But on the second date, I got scared of being friendzoned (due to an online dating course advice where if you do not make a move by date 2 you will be friendzoned...).

Don't take secular dating advice unless you want a secular wife. The current immorality has most people hooking up to have sex by date 3.

 

[coffee4u]

Here is my theory. Hear me out. After our second date she tells her parents how the date went. Her dad maybe was skeptical but still kept the door open. Her mom on the contrary, did not agree with what happened and started bombarding her to end things with me. She says no, and that leads to a family struggle. (Even though our texting increased and was flirtatious). When I pick her up, her dad is there, but not her mom. Then we go to to the movies, and her attitude was different. Maybe as opposed to what I thought, the family problem did include me. On the movie date, I ask her if we could hold hands. She doesn’t want to. My mistake. But then apologizes because on the second date she said yes. Then 2 days later on the third date things were going well until I asked her again to hold hands. What a stupid mistake. That leads her to become skeptical about me, and righteously so. When I ask her out on a fourth date, she says she needs to talk to God. Then she tells her parents, and they together agree it is best to end things and she interprets this as a sign from God. One week later, she ends things saying God told her to. She says that she first felt it between the second date and the movie date, probably when her mom told her to end things.

It's wasn't the holding hands it was the desperate/needy talk as you mentioned in your first post. At 30 it would be okay to say upfront "I'm looking for a wife" Because most times she will also be looking for a husband. At 18 most girls or guys are not looking for a spouse and it's best not to frankly due to how much you can change between then and 25. You are still learning and finding yourself let alone someone else. Dating tends to be more for experience than spouse hunting. I would real yourself back in not only for the girl but for yourself.

 

[Iamwhatyoumademe1129]

Don't take secular dating advice unless you want a secular wife. The current immorality has most people hooking up to have sex by date 3.

I would rather end up alone than have a secular wife.

Since secular dating advice is off the table, what in your opinion, are good ways to show affection, to show that I am interested, in the first few dates?

Also, besides church, where can I meet girls who are more traditional/ conservative?

 

[coffee4u]

I would rather end up alone than have a secular wife.

Since secular dating advice is off the table, what in your opinion, are good ways to show affection, to show that I am interested, in the first few dates?

Also, besides church, where can I meet girls who are more traditional/ conservative?

Simply asking her on a date is showing interest, but holding hands like you did is fine. I just would not come on so strong so soon with the future or what you want in a wife, not at 20. I would keep it lighter and more casual. Talk about deeper issues as they come up, get to know them.
Make sure you are someone worthy of a Godly wife.
Don't be desperate.
As I said in a previous post the brain doesn't finish developing until 25 and you may find you are a different person by 26 then you are now and the same goes for her. Try asking people you know who are 26 and older, if they are different from when they were 18.
You could marry 'this person' and in 6 years find they or you are married to 'someone else'
Now it is possible to marry early and have a great marriage but getting married young shouldn't be something you strive to do, If it happens it happens and I would suggest any couple who marry young to get Christian marriage counseling. My own daughter may be getting married young, but she and her boyfriend have been seeing each other for 4 years so nothing has been rushed and I have told them the same thing, Christian marriage counseling.

Church is a good place, also Christian camps.

My daughter said "Don't go looking for a relationship, just do what you enjoy and you can meet like minded people who enjoy the same thing."