Desperate from HELP!!!

[AmberB]

My name is Amber. I suffer from pretty bad OCD. I have had it for most of my life, but within the past month, it's been worse than its even been! And it started when I began believing in God again! I believed all of my life until I stopped about a year ago. I began to believe again about a month ago, and that's when the OCD thoughts got bad.

There are many things I'm having thoughts about, but I want to focus on just a few thing for this post. My mind has a way of thinking the most negative things possible, and telling me that I believe it. For example, I was reading an article on how doubt in Christianity is normal. At one point in the article it said, "Don't renounced Jesus."
And of course I would never do that, but my mind began thinking it! I told myself no! I don't believe that! God is my savior! But my thoughts kept saying, "No, you DO renounce Christ! You're going to Hell!"

And I fear that just thinking that, even if I don't believe it, and even if it's my OCD, I will be punished. And on top of it, it's almost like I thought it on purpose! That doesn't make any sense, because I don't want to think like that! But it's almost like I want to torture myself, so I thought it even though it's not true. And each time I say it's not true, my mind tries to say that it is true!

But I feel like if it was true, I wouldn't care. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be on here.

I'm still learning to believe in God. Having doubts isn't making any of the easier. I try to tell myself that it's okay and that God loves me, but then I wonder if he's even there at all, and that scares me. I'm trying really hard to believe. And I'm trying to let God into my heart, but I'm never sure if I actually mean it! I WANT to mean it! I want to obey Him and follow Him, but when I pray and say that I let Him in, I have thoughts that I didn't do it good enough, or I didn't mean it with all my heart. Or as I'm praying to let him into my life, intrusive doubtful thoughts will enter my mind, causing me to think that I didn't mean my prayer enough.

And I just don't know what to do.

I want to believe. I want to be good. But I fear that my intrusive thoughts may get me sent to Hell. I also fear that I will live my life wrong and not even realize it and that will get me sent to Hell. What if I never hear that whisper from God? What if it's because I never get saved no matter how much I ask Christ to come into my heart because I wasn't sure if I meant it hard enough. I feel like I did. I think I did. But the doubtful thoughts make me think otherwise. Or what if God does talk to me, but I don't realize it's Him.

What if these intrusive thoughts saying, "I renounced Christ." get me sent to Hell, even though it's not true. And when I first thought that sentence, it was like my mind wanted to think it. But I didn't. But I did? It doesn't make sense. I know I don't want to renounce Christ, but what if this really isn't an intrusive thought and I'm using that as an excuse and I'm really evil? I want to follow God, I really do.

I'm afraid that He won't forgive me for these thoughts. I've prayed and prayed for help, and there is no relief. I know God works on his own time, but I can't live like this. I want to kill myself so I don't have to go through this anymore.

 

[salt-n-light]

Prayers for you love! Idk what it's like having OCD. But I do know that God loves you, he will also honor His children whenever they reach out to Him, He is there even if you don't realize it, and He always gives us room to grow in Him. Its called growing in grace. He always talks to us through His Word and guide us with His Spirit, so if you have a bible, you're not far from His voice.

Here's an article I found concerning how to navigate through OCD while on your christian journey. I hope its of some help. Also helps to structure a group of christian friends that will help support you in your struggles. Lessens the load.

OCD and the Death of the Christian | Desiring God

Be encouraged!

 

[Dave G.]

Amber listen, silent your mind and focus on Jesus Christ. You have too many what ifs going on. Something that helped me with such things more than anything was a sermon on being still and know that He is God. When all those what ifs start infiltrating just shut your mind down, focus on Jesus Christ. You have control of this, don't think you don't, you can stop those thoughts if just for a minute and focus on Jesus. While you are being still read a verse or two or more from this page I will link you to: What Does the Bible Say About Focus?

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi; good to see you; God bless His Word to you. John 14.1-27, Psalm 46 and Hebrews 12.1-2 are strengthening passages for the believer.

 

[AmberB]

Thank you both! I'm trying really hard to ignore this all and focus on God. I ask for forgiveness, but I keep having the thought that the only reason I'm asking for forgiveness is to make my anxiety go away, not to repair my relationship with God. But if that was the case, I wouldn't care about God and then I wouldn't be having anxiety, right? I do want God to forgive me. I just fear that I'm not genuine. I can't FEEL it in my heart like some people describe, so I fear that I'm not genuine enough. But I want to be. I just don't know how to feel that way.

And I feel that because I may not be genuine enough that God may not be forgiving me.

I keep praying and praying. And earlier I was freaking out so much, I sobbed and screamed when I prayed, and now when I pray I barely feel anything (I still have anxiety) because I'm so exhausted. I've been going through this cycle for 11 hours straight. From the time I woke up to right now. All I've been doing today is panic over God and talk myself through the anxiety. And now that I'm not panicking enough, I feel like my prayers aren't genuine.

But I'm just so tired. I don't even want to pray anymore. It's not that I don't want to pray at all, I plan to pray until the day I die, but I'm so spent emotionally and physically, I'm so tired, I don't want to think about this stuff right now. Part of me wants to say, "Yeah, you don't want to think about God. You're going to Hell." But that's not it. I do want to think about God. I like thinking about God.

I just don't want to panic over him, but it seems like that's all I can do right now and because I don't want to panic, I inevitably don't want to think about God. But I know that's now true. I want God, just not the anxiety. I just can't seem to separate the two right now.

And I'm just really tired. But I feel like if I don't entertain the bad thoughts, I'm going against God simply because right now I can't seem to think about God without having anxiety. So any time I try to ignore the anxiety, I feel like I'm ignoring God too since it's the only way I've been thinking about Him recently. I feel like I just need to wallow in the anxiety because if it's my only way to think about God, then so be it.

But I'm just so tired...

 

[Mari17]

Classic, classic OCD. Don't despair, hon. Take a deep breath. None of your fears are true. Your anxiety is feeding you lies. I'm headed to work and don't have to time to respond with the depth that I need to, but after I get out I will post a more thorough response. But I will just say that there is LOTS of hope and help for this. I've had scrupulosity since I was about 7 (I'm 30 now) and I know how horrible it can feel right in the middle of an obsession. But there is freedom! I'll post more later with some of the strategies and resources that have helped me. Hang in there! Try to relax your brain and realize that it's only your OCD that's making your life so miserable!

 

[Mari17]

OK, as I've had time to read and digest your post more I can respond with more detail. Here are some of my thoughts:
- This is, without a shadow of a doubt, OCD. The types of intrusive thoughts you are getting are common to OCD. And the way you are thinking, surrounded by doubt, wondering if you thought something "on purpose" - also OCD.
- It sounds like you already know the truth - that you do want to follow God, don't want these thoughts, etc. That's the way it works with OCD - we know the truth, but our mind hyper-focuses on a fear and blows it so out of proportion that we can't see clearly.
- Your intrusive thoughts are NOT sins. Everyone gets weird and seemingly "sinful" thoughts. A normal person processes it so quickly that it drops from their brain almost instantly: "Oh, that's a weird thought. Oh well. Moving on." An obsessive person will suddenly, somehow, tune into a disturbing thought and blow it way, way, way out of proportion. "OH NO!! I just had this terrible thought! That must mean I want it to be true! That must mean I'm a terrible person!" And then, BECAUSE you are so afraid that the thought is true, your OCD cleverly and insidiously comes up with all sorts of reasons why it is true. "You probably did want to think that. You probably are evil." And on and on. The problem is, if you try to convince your OCD that it's lying to you, it will continue coming up with more and more arguments about why it is right and you are wrong.

So that brings me to how to fight OCD:
You are 100% right when you say that you are asking for forgiveness as a way to relieve anxiety, not to genuinely communicate with God. It's actually impressive that you recognize that because not everyone with OCD is able to easily discern that. Anything you do to relieve the anxiety is called a compulsion. That includes ritual/anxiety-based prayers (like compulsively asking for forgiveness), trying to argue the thought away, asking other people for reassurance, or anything else that you feel you have to do to "neutralize" the thoughts or to relieve your anxiety. I'm not sure how familiar you are with how to fight OCD, but generally ERP therapy is considered the way to go. That means refusing to do your compulsions, and sometimes even purposely exposing yourself to the anxiety. What happens is that OCD wants you to be afraid. The more afraid you are, the more you try to frantically resist it, the larger your obsession grows. The solution, although it can seem counter-intuitive, is to "give in" to it. That does NOT mean that you like or agree with the thoughts, but that you are going to stop thinking of them as a threat. They're not sins, they're thoughts that your OCD has latched onto and is doing its best to get you to think of them as horrible and awful. Remember, other people have these types of thoughts too. The difference is that they know those thoughts don't mean anything, and they ignore them. Those of us with OCD have sensitive brains that get tangled in a web of deceitfulness created by the OCD, so we have to actually practice ignoring them since our brains don't do it naturally. The basic idea is that you let whatever thoughts come into your head have free access, and you refuse to do any compulsions. Will it feel like you're sinning? Yes - because OCD will tell you that you are. It will make you feel like you HAVE to ask forgiveness for the thoughts, that you really mean them, etc. But you know none of that is true. You feel like it's true, but it's not true. It's going to hurt like crazy because your anxiety will ratchet up when you don't perform your compulsions. You have to ignore it. That is your OCD yelling louder and louder in an attempt to get you to listen. If you persist in ignoring it for long enough, it will be a little surprised that you're not freaking out and not doing what it demands of you (the compulsions). Its voice will get hoarser, and the intrusive thoughts will grow weaker and less frequent. Eventually, you will come up out of the obsession altogether.

OK, I know this is a lot of info, and maybe you already know some of it. But definitely start putting some of these strategies into practice. Research ERP. If you need specific suggestions for your situation, I can try to provide some. I've struggled with this almost my whole life, and have had a whole slew of obsessions, mostly religious. It can be devastating to be in the middle of an obsession, but there is always freedom. Learn how to access that freedom by treating OCD as what it is - OCD.

It sounds like you're in a rough spot right now, so try to give yourself a break. Don't let yourself get caught in a cycle of praying ritualistically, or obsessing. Distract your mind, and force yourself to do other things. No wonder you're worn out. This will exhaust you, but do your best to not let it control you. Live a normal schedule and life as much as possible, even when you feel like you can't. As someone who has been there, and who is looking from the outside, I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is OCD, through and through. You are not a bad person, you do love God, and everything is OK. Try to recognize that and give your mind some rest. I'm here if you need more advice, or just someone to vent to. Feel free to pm me also if you want.

 

[Mari17]

One more thing - a few websites about OCD/scrupulosity that I've found VERY helpful and encouraging (all from a Christian standpoint!):
Welcome
http://ocdandchristianity.com/
Managing the Haunting Thoughts of Pure O – OCD

 

[gloriousday2006]

My name is Amber. I suffer from pretty bad OCD. I have had it for most of my life, but within the past month, it's been worse than its even been! And it started when I began believing in God again! I believed all of my life until I stopped about a year ago. I began to believe again about a month ago, and that's when the OCD thoughts got bad.

There are many things I'm having thoughts about, but I want to focus on just a few thing for this post. My mind has a way of thinking the most negative things possible, and telling me that I believe it. For example, I was reading an article on how doubt in Christianity is normal. At one point in the article it said, "Don't renounced Jesus."
And of course I would never do that, but my mind began thinking it! I told myself no! I don't believe that! God is my savior! But my thoughts kept saying, "No, you DO renounce Christ! You're going to Hell!"

And I fear that just thinking that, even if I don't believe it, and even if it's my OCD, I will be punished. And on top of it, it's almost like I thought it on purpose! That doesn't make any sense, because I don't want to think like that! But it's almost like I want to torture myself, so I thought it even though it's not true. And each time I say it's not true, my mind tries to say that it is true!

But I feel like if it was true, I wouldn't care. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be on here.

I'm still learning to believe in God. Having doubts isn't making any of the easier. I try to tell myself that it's okay and that God loves me, but then I wonder if he's even there at all, and that scares me. I'm trying really hard to believe. And I'm trying to let God into my heart, but I'm never sure if I actually mean it! I WANT to mean it! I want to obey Him and follow Him, but when I pray and say that I let Him in, I have thoughts that I didn't do it good enough, or I didn't mean it with all my heart. Or as I'm praying to let him into my life, intrusive doubtful thoughts will enter my mind, causing me to think that I didn't mean my prayer enough.

And I just don't know what to do.

I want to believe. I want to be good. But I fear that my intrusive thoughts may get me sent to Hell. I also fear that I will live my life wrong and not even realize it and that will get me sent to Hell. What if I never hear that whisper from God? What if it's because I never get saved no matter how much I ask Christ to come into my heart because I wasn't sure if I meant it hard enough. I feel like I did. I think I did. But the doubtful thoughts make me think otherwise. Or what if God does talk to me, but I don't realize it's Him.

What if these intrusive thoughts saying, "I renounced Christ." get me sent to Hell, even though it's not true. And when I first thought that sentence, it was like my mind wanted to think it. But I didn't. But I did? It doesn't make sense. I know I don't want to renounce Christ, but what if this really isn't an intrusive thought and I'm using that as an excuse and I'm really evil? I want to follow God, I really do.

I'm afraid that He won't forgive me for these thoughts. I've prayed and prayed for help, and there is no relief. I know God works on his own time, but I can't live like this. I want to kill myself so I don't have to go through this anymore.

You can get through this with God. He is far GREATER than all of your fears.

My name is Amber. I suffer from pretty bad OCD. I have had it for most of my life, but within the past month, it's been worse than its even been! And it started when I began believing in God again! I believed all of my life until I stopped about a year ago. I began to believe again about a month ago, and that's when the OCD thoughts got bad.

There are many things I'm having thoughts about, but I want to focus on just a few thing for this post. My mind has a way of thinking the most negative things possible, and telling me that I believe it. For example, I was reading an article on how doubt in Christianity is normal. At one point in the article it said, "Don't renounced Jesus."
And of course I would never do that, but my mind began thinking it! I told myself no! I don't believe that! God is my savior! But my thoughts kept saying, "No, you DO renounce Christ! You're going to Hell!"

And I fear that just thinking that, even if I don't believe it, and even if it's my OCD, I will be punished. And on top of it, it's almost like I thought it on purpose! That doesn't make any sense, because I don't want to think like that! But it's almost like I want to torture myself, so I thought it even though it's not true. And each time I say it's not true, my mind tries to say that it is true!

But I feel like if it was true, I wouldn't care. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be on here.

I'm still learning to believe in God. Having doubts isn't making any of the easier. I try to tell myself that it's okay and that God loves me, but then I wonder if he's even there at all, and that scares me. I'm trying really hard to believe. And I'm trying to let God into my heart, but I'm never sure if I actually mean it! I WANT to mean it! I want to obey Him and follow Him, but when I pray and say that I let Him in, I have thoughts that I didn't do it good enough, or I didn't mean it with all my heart. Or as I'm praying to let him into my life, intrusive doubtful thoughts will enter my mind, causing me to think that I didn't mean my prayer enough.

And I just don't know what to do.

I want to believe. I want to be good. But I fear that my intrusive thoughts may get me sent to Hell. I also fear that I will live my life wrong and not even realize it and that will get me sent to Hell. What if I never hear that whisper from God? What if it's because I never get saved no matter how much I ask Christ to come into my heart because I wasn't sure if I meant it hard enough. I feel like I did. I think I did. But the doubtful thoughts make me think otherwise. Or what if God does talk to me, but I don't realize it's Him.

What if these intrusive thoughts saying, "I renounced Christ." get me sent to Hell, even though it's not true. And when I first thought that sentence, it was like my mind wanted to think it. But I didn't. But I did? It doesn't make sense. I know I don't want to renounce Christ, but what if this really isn't an intrusive thought and I'm using that as an excuse and I'm really evil? I want to follow God, I really do.

I'm afraid that He won't forgive me for these thoughts. I've prayed and prayed for help, and there is no relief. I know God works on his own time, but I can't live like this. I want to kill myself so I don't have to go through this anymore.

Amber, I am praying for you. Remember, you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you. I want you to know that you are not alone.

First, I think it might help you if you know a little about my experience. I have also been dealing with intrusive thoughts, fear, guilt, condemnation, etc. It started in May it got so bad I was having constant panic attacks, I lost weight, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I wanted to just go sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with the thoughts. It got so bad, that I experienced depersonalization which left me with an experience where it felt like I was out of my body and then emotion numbing. Through all this I know that Jesus is Lord, God is in control, and that we WILL overcome by the blood of the lamb and the words of our testimony.

Cling to, adhere to, and completely rely on Jesus no matter what your mind tries to tell you. OCD has a way of telling us that we have thought too far and that we are done. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. Jesus loves us, He is Lord, and He will be coming back for us. Do not listen to the deception, we can overcome through our Savior Jesus.

I know how exactly how you are feeling, and I still deal with many of the same struggles. Never give in, never give up, and always turn to Jesus. You can overcome anything with God. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through, and I am sure you feel the same. If there is anything I can do to help you at anytime, please message me. I k ow the desperation that comes with this condition. It takes an extraordinary amount of faith. The key is to trust. We can TRUST in the Lord when it feels like the deck is stacked against. What is impossible for man is NOT impossible for God.

You can do this Amber!!


Love your sister in Christ Jesus.

John 6:37
All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.

 

[gloriousday2006]

One more thing - a few websites about OCD/scrupulosity that I've found VERY helpful and encouraging (all from a Christian standpoint!):
Welcome
http://ocdandchristianity.com/
Managing the Haunting Thoughts of Pure O – OCD

Yes, his blog is excellent. He truly comes from a caring, Christian perspective. With faith we can overcome all obstacles.

 

[AmberB]

Thank you all very much! I feel better today. I still have anxiety about a lot of things, but I've been reading my new Bible and I feel better.
I know that even though I am a tugging with sins, Jesus is with me and will help me be better.

 

[Mari17]

Glad to hear that! Keep reaching out on here if you need help. We are here to support and encourage each other!

 

[Theo3]

Behaviors can be judged as bad or good but not our thoughts or temptations. Jesus was tempted in all ways but without sin. Its not our thoughts or temptations that make us sinners.

Negative thoughts and temptations are not inherently anything. They are empty vain imaginations of a behavior. You are not your negative imaginations or temptations so you have the ability to dismiss it without any judgmental response on you or your spiritual condition and be solid on your godly foundation. Learn to be content with the thought/temptation with no behavioral response and let pass on by. Trying to stop thoughts or cling to them are futile. When a stream of good thoughts flow in let it edify you but when they cease and other negative thoughts come up just be content with them and non judgmental. You just ket them flow down the rivers of living water.

The goal is not to remove your thought or feelings or sensations. The goal is to be content with what is at the moment and surrender your efforts to control and change the situation.

Just do things you like and let life draw your attention naturally. When doing nothing just surrender and be without trying to control your attention or flow of consciousness.

Surrender and enjoy the practice even if it's not the way the OCD mind says it should be. No desire and no destination. No concentration...just content, surrender, casting care of whatever the mind and body are doing to God. Dead to the storm of the flesh but solid in the holy spirit.

 

[ST673]

My struggle is very similar and there is hope. This forum really helps and of course knowing you're loved by Jesus so much more than we could ever understand and covered in Grace. Prayers for you.