Depression and Work

[Penumbra]

When you're depressed, how do you get through your day at work?

At work, I'm so apathetic that I barely function. I sit in a cubicle and am suppose to write code, but in a given 8 hour day, I probably do 3 hours of work. The other 5 I spend playing with my pencil, staring blankly at the screen, or repetitively going to the restroom to wash my face and kill time. Every time I try to focus, I just completely can't get myself to do anything. At home I can distract myself from depression, but at work, I can't.

The job isn't even that bad. It's pretty important work, so I can't blame the job. It's my apathy instead. Luckily nobody knows how unproductive I am, and this is only an internship, but I have to figure something out before I graduate and have to do this all year, every year.

So if any of you deal with this, I'd appreciate advice on how you get through each day at work.

-Lyn

 

[Dave73]

I would love to just say, "You tell me and leave it at that" ... but i don't think that would help.

I came to this foum because of my wife's depression ... I don't post outside that thread in the depression section because I have no idea what most of you go through so it doesn't seem like I'm the best one to give advice here.

But, I had to answer this one because I can relate. My wife's depression has at times spilled over onto me ... it's hard not to be depressed when she is. I know her's can't be helped and mine is just a byproduct but ...

I work as a programmer and often times it's extremely difficult to give my code the level of concentration it deserves when I feel so down and out - when all I can think about is going home and lying down. I would say its one of the most difficult things to do when your head is somewhere else ... coding takes so much concentration, planning, etc. that it can become overwhelming to the point you feel like you're going to shut down.

So how do I deal with it? ... Everyone is different but this is what works for me. I love learning new things (that's what I love about programming - discover what it is you love about it and use it).

For example ... I'm the guy that when the boss comes up and says, "We're wanting to use this new technology (or technology they just haven't used yet)" ... I'm the one that wants the project. My company is great in understanding that with new technology there's a learning curve, which is great in that I'm hardly ever rushed. This allows me to fully get consume with what I am working on ... learning it, experimenting with it and making something useful out of it. With all that going on I have alot less times to worry about every little thing.

Plus (as an added bonus) it looks great on a resume, makes you invaluable to your company when you're the one that wrote it (and the only one that understands it) ... and of course companies like those that accept the challenges. That attitude has really helped me here (and I'm trying to get my mind off things).

I'm mainly a C# / ASP.NET programmer, but I've wrote three Blackberry apps (two in Java and one in the VS plug-in (which I highly recommend)). I've programmed hand held scanners ... lots of cool interesting things while the majority of people here work 100% in MS Access.

Here lately I've had a lot on my mind so I've suggested redoing an HUGE legacy app they have here. The old on is all MS Access (and has greatly outgrown it). They want to use SQL Server 2008 as the backend and for the front end it's up to me ... I don't know if from the size of the app if I'll stick with what I know or attempt to learn something new with this one (we'll see). This system will also warrant an upgrade to their exisiting hand held hardware and they will want me to rewrite the software for those.

As you can tell I'm already very excited about it and (truthfully) when I sat down to write this I was more than just a little bummed out.

Since this is an internship I don't know how much 'experimenting' they will let you do. If I were to guess I would say you're doing more maintaining legacy apps than any new development (if that's the case I feel for you). But if that's the case branch out a little ... think of ways the app could be improved (show them what you're made of).

Again ... not saying what works for me will work for you, but you do need to re-examine why you got into programming to begin with ... find out what your love for it is and use that. I imagine you can get past things at home because there's something there you love or love doing ... the same can be done with a job (not as easily though)

Just curious, if you don't mind my asking ... what languages do you program in?

I wish you the best and pray God be with you (and most importantly you with Him).

 

[UnitynLove]

Maybe this is not the job or career that you are looking for and too. Maybe you should consider a different field of profession. Or maybe you are just depressed and feel bored at your current Job maybe you should find something else also continue in the word of God that will help you with your depression. Study scriptures on being grateful because there are many that would kill to be in your position especially in times like these.

 

[Penumbra]

Since this is an internship I don't know how much 'experimenting' they will let you do. If I were to guess I would say you're doing more maintaining legacy apps than any new development (if that's the case I feel for you). But if that's the case branch out a little ... think of ways the app could be improved (show them what you're made of).

Again ... not saying what works for me will work for you, but you do need to re-examine why you got into programming to begin with ... find out what your love for it is and use that. I imagine you can get past things at home because there's something there you love or love doing ... the same can be done with a job (not as easily though)

Just curious, if you don't mind my asking ... what languages do you program in?

I wish you the best and pray God be with you (and most importantly you with Him).

Thank you for your post. I'm happy that you posted in here despite the fact that you said you normally don't post in this section.

To address this last part, including your questions:

-Even though it's an internship, I have a remarkable amount of experimenting and creativity allowed. I'm making a stand-alone application mostly from scratch (only about 20% reused code), not maintaining anything. They basically said, "We need your program to do this, here is the data, here are some suggestions." It's very challenging but I've very nearly accomplished it, and I've learned a lot. I have a mentor whom I can ask questions to at any time when I get stuck, and he is very helpful. So basically, I got the job that other interns (and even full time employees) are envious of, and so I can't blame the job itself.

-I'm not a programmer by trade, so to answer your question about languages, I am only familiar with C, C++, a little bit of Java, some microcontroller assemble language, and some Matlab. This is a research position, and my "expertise" is not in programming, but instead in the results of the program. I'm hired as the programmer because they need someone who understands the material behind the research and also who has some programming knowledge. The programming doesn't bother me though. This is actually my favorite job I've had, even though I don't care at work and count the seconds away. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like I can sit back and go, "Wow, this is a really good job...", but my problem is that I don't care about anything, which includes work. For the purpose of the thread, though, I'm only focusing on my experiences at work because I need to figure out how to overcome this before I seek a full time job.

Maybe this is not the job or career that you are looking for and too. Maybe you should consider a different field of profession. Or maybe you are just depressed and feel bored at your current Job maybe you should find something else also continue in the word of God that will help you with your depression. Study scriptures on being grateful because there are many that would kill to be in your position especially in times like these.

As you pointed out, there are indeed people that would kill to be in my position. Something like 10% of people in my country are unemployed now. Plus, I make slightly more money than my father, which is crazy considering our age difference. If anything, that just makes me feel more guilty. As I mentioned to the person above, it really isn't the job that's boring me, it's my internal problem. I liked my last internship even less, and my high school jobs even less than that. So I really don't think a different job would fix my dilemma.

-Lyn

 

[rahmiyn]

I'm sorry for you (((((Penumbra))))). The only advice I can offer is try to get into an exercise program. This can be so helpful with both your mood and your creativity (in writing code.) I know it's the hardest thing to consider when you're already tired, but trust me, I've been there and running three mornings a week made me into a new person! I also had to write a lot of programming code, and I found it helped me with clarity of mind and creativity. A lot of other programmers shared the same results with me, and often we talked about our running or other exercise programs.

Seemed a lot had figured this one out. It really does work!

Blessings, and lots of prayers for you. xxoo

 

[UnitynLove]

Thank you for your post. I'm happy that you posted in here despite the fact that you said you normally don't post in this section.

To address this last part, including your questions:

-Even though it's an internship, I have a remarkable amount of experimenting and creativity allowed. I'm making a stand-alone application mostly from scratch (only about 20% reused code), not maintaining anything. They basically said, "We need your program to do this, here is the data, here are some suggestions." It's very challenging but I've very nearly accomplished it, and I've learned a lot. I have a mentor whom I can ask questions to at any time when I get stuck, and he is very helpful. So basically, I got the job that other interns (and even full time employees) are envious of, and so I can't blame the job itself.

-I'm not a programmer by trade, so to answer your question about languages, I am only familiar with C, C++, a little bit of Java, some microcontroller assemble language, and some Matlab. This is a research position, and my "expertise" is not in programming, but instead in the results of the program. I'm hired as the programmer because they need someone who understands the material behind the research and also who has some programming knowledge. The programming doesn't bother me though. This is actually my favorite job I've had, even though I don't care at work and count the seconds away. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like I can sit back and go, "Wow, this is a really good job...", but my problem is that I don't care about anything, which includes work. For the purpose of the thread, though, I'm only focusing on my experiences at work because I need to figure out how to overcome this before I seek a full time job.


As you pointed out, there are indeed people that would kill to be in my position. Something like 10% of people in my country are unemployed now. Plus, I make slightly more money than my father, which is crazy considering our age difference. If anything, that just makes me feel more guilty. As I mentioned to the person above, it really isn't the job that's boring me, it's my internal problem. I liked my last internship even less, and my high school jobs even less than that. So I really don't think a different job would fix my dilemma.

-Lyn

Well if its an inside issue then you know what you have to do. You have to feed your soul. So many times people look for outside things to heal or the numb the pain that they feel on the outside ie. cars, clothes, money, women, men, sex ect... but in all if your inside man is not fed then you will not be happy. I know people with all the material things who should be the happiest people, but they turn out to be the most miserable because all the outside source can never help you and make you feel better on the inside. Those things only satisfy for a while then you get tired and bored with them. So how do you feed your soul? Psalm 1: 2-3 and Ephesians 4:23. This is how you feed your soul. God's word is the water for the soul so feed your soul on God's word DAILY and your internal life will better and when your internal life is better your outside life will be better. Check this out.

YouTube - TogetherInWorship's Channel listen to all three parts and you will understand better. Jesus was an inside man and so we should all be.

 

[Dave73]

Well I think you've got some great advice here already that I would like to back up - studying God's word and striving to be closer to Him and excercise.

Also ... you may have already been down this road but, discuss this with your doctor. I'm a firm believer that God gives scientists / doctors the wisdom to provide us the means where we don't have to suffer (my wife has done really well with her meds).

The thing that sticks out in my head is why just at work? You made the comment at home you can distract yourself ... don't know why but that just sticks out to me.

 

[Penumbra]

I'm sorry for you (((((Penumbra))))). The only advice I can offer is try to get into an exercise program. This can be so helpful with both your mood and your creativity (in writing code.) I know it's the hardest thing to consider when you're already tired, but trust me, I've been there and running three mornings a week made me into a new person! I also had to write a lot of programming code, and I found it helped me with clarity of mind and creativity. A lot of other programmers shared the same results with me, and often we talked about our running or other exercise programs.

Seemed a lot had figured this one out. It really does work!

Blessings, and lots of prayers for you. xxoo

I agree, and exercise supposedly releases chemicals that help provide happiness. It seems to help a lot of people. I've been exercising for years though, usually five times a week, and pretty intensely, so any benefits of exercise I am apparently already getting.

Well if its an inside issue then you know what you have to do. You have to feed your soul. So many times people look for outside things to heal or the numb the pain that they feel on the outside ie. cars, clothes, money, women, men, sex ect... but in all if your inside man is not fed then you will not be happy. I know people with all the material things who should be the happiest people, but they turn out to be the most miserable because all the outside source can never help you and make you feel better on the inside. Those things only satisfy for a while then you get tired and bored with them. So how do you feed your soul? Psalm 1: 2-3 and Ephesians 4:23. This is how you feed your soul. God's word is the water for the soul so feed your soul on God's word DAILY and your internal life will better and when your internal life is better your outside life will be better. Check this out.

YouTube - TogetherInWorship's Channel listen to all three parts and you will understand better. Jesus was an inside man and so we should all be.

Reading religious scriptures doesn't do anything for me emotionally. The more I spend time looking for meaning, purpose, or depth, in this world or in books, the less I see.

Well I think you've got some great advice here already that I would like to back up - studying God's word and striving to be closer to Him and excercise.

Also ... you may have already been down this road but, discuss this with your doctor. I'm a firm believer that God gives scientists / doctors the wisdom to provide us the means where we don't have to suffer (my wife has done really well with her meds).

I've been thinking about medication. I had a thread on what a while back, but I just don't know if that's best for me. I know a lot of people who've had medication not work for them, or even make their symptoms worse, plus the side effects can be bad. For others, it takes years and many different medications to make any improvement.

The thing that sticks out in my head is why just at work? You made the comment at home you can distract yourself ... don't know why but that just sticks out to me.

It's not just at work; it's all the time.

I'm trying to make this thread about work, though, because threads I've made in the past here about my depression in general, despite the helpful comments I received, never really did much. People tell me how to fix it, and I either point out that I've already been doing that for years, or how that doesn't help me, and so forth. It ends up in debate or something similar.

I have no hope of fixing my depression, because I don't think it can be fixed. I'm just trying to deal with it, day after day, month after month, and year after year, and part of dealing with it involves functioning at work. If I'm not productive at home, that's not a huge deal, because there isn't much to do anyway. I can pass time by reading or something. But at work, I'm paid to do something, and if I can't do it because of depressive symptoms, then that's a major problem that I need to solve. So instead of advice on how to treat depression, which hasn't worked out for me in the past, I am deliberately seeking specific advice on how to cope with it at work.

I appreciate all the replies.

-Lyn

 

[Everlasting33]

I have no hope of fixing my depression, because I don't think it can be fixed. I'm just trying to deal with it, day after day, month after month, and year after year, and part of dealing with it involves functioning at work. If I'm not productive at home, that's not a huge deal, because there isn't much to do anyway. I can pass time by reading or something. But at work, I'm paid to do something, and if I can't do it because of depressive symptoms, then that's a major problem that I need to solve. So instead of advice on how to treat depression, which hasn't worked out for me in the past, I am deliberately seeking specific advice on how to cope with it at work.

-Lyn

Keep in mind that its nearly impossible to isolate depression from work. If you could, it would have happened by now. It would be nice to turn off depression at work so productivity and concentration could be optimal. Unfortunately, depression permeates all facets of our lives from personal to career. And for that reason, it is easy for individuals to feel completely overwhelmed and distressed since the pain cannot be escaped.

Whether you believe it or not, there are specific solutions for your specific depression. Perhaps you haven't found them yet. Perhaps they haven't been applied in an ideal fashion. Perhaps time and age is required. Sometimes, progress and recovery cannot be felt because of resistance and/or maturity limitations.

And some personality characteristics retain depressive feelings. For example, I am very sensitive, philosophical, and often reflect on the suffering and loss of life. These qualities can be beneficial but they often correlate with cynicism and depression.

There is still hope. There is still much to be learned, understood, applied, and experienced. There is opportunity for strength and confidence. Peace and joy.

 

[Dave73]

When my wife finally went to the doctor we were both aware that for some people medication has no effect ... someone people go through trying various different things (what a pain that would be) ... and it's true, like you said sometimes it just makes things worse.

But her doctor told her that a positive attitude would help the medication. You said "I have no hope of fixing my depression, because I don't think it can be fixed. I'm just trying to deal with it" ... I know you must feel that way (my wife did too) but you're here at a Christian forum for a reason, you must know that through God ANYTHING is possible.

My wife started her medication with a positive attitude ... what they started her on 'Pristiq' help some but it made her sweat alot (at first anyways - that did go away). She told the doctor she didn't feel it helped enough so he added Abilify ... since then things have been alot better. Her experience doesn't sound so bad now does it?

-On thing, don't make the mistake of only reading people's experiences online, there's alot of horror stories out there (scared me to death). Understand that these people with bad experiences are more likely to post something than those that took to the medicine easily. (Just my opinion).

I'm not saying you need medicine ... I just think you need to talk to your doctor.

I completely agree with Steelerbred33 in that you're not going to be able to simply isolate your depression from work. You're going to have to tackle that depression.

Btw ... I truly am sorry you feel this way, I know it's not easy.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

.

 

[rahmiyn]

But, it sounded as if Penumbra only has a problem with work. If one is depressed, I would think the depression would permeate all aspects of life, not just work.

Good that you're exercising! I know that's giving you some benefit. The only other suggestion I can make from my own experience is perhaps a change. For me, I went back to school to finish my degree in English (even though I was doing mostly programming and process improvement initiatives.) At first, it was a lot going to school and working, but in less than a year new opportunities began to open up for me.

You might think about changing careers, if you're young enough and have the education to do so.

The other thought I just had is that just going to school really lifted my mood. It helped me to have something other than work to focus my interests on. So, maybe even a hobby outside work might be enough to give you relief from the work humdrum.

I'm praying for you, and I do hope you find a solution that suits you well soon. xxoo

 

[ke1985]

But, it sounded as if Penumbra only has a problem with work. If one is depressed, I would think the depression would permeate all aspects of life, not just work.

Good that you're exercising! I know that's giving you some benefit. The only other suggestion I can make from my own experience is perhaps a change. For me, I went back to school to finish my degree in English (even though I was doing mostly programming and process improvement initiatives.) At first, it was a lot going to school and working, but in less than a year new opportunities began to open up for me.

You might think about changing careers, if you're young enough and have the education to do so.

The other thought I just had is that just going to school really lifted my mood. It helped me to have something other than work to focus my interests on. So, maybe even a hobby outside work might be enough to give you relief from the work humdrum.

I'm praying for you, and I do hope you find a solution that suits you well soon. xxoo

She has mentioned depression in other areas of her life as well.

 

[rahmiyn]

Oh, I see. Yes, that's different. Thanks for the clarification.

 

[myanchor]

Penumbra, meds can take time to get the right one. The worst can make you worse, psychotic even. But don't give up, you can find the right one.

As for exercise, you said you exercise intensely. Are you trying to punish yourself, or to beat yourself into submission? Maybe a lower intensity would be beneficial.

Get checked for ADD/ADHD as well.

 

[Penumbra]

Good that you're exercising! I know that's giving you some benefit. The only other suggestion I can make from my own experience is perhaps a change. For me, I went back to school to finish my degree in English (even though I was doing mostly programming and process improvement initiatives.) At first, it was a lot going to school and working, but in less than a year new opportunities began to open up for me.

You might think about changing careers, if you're young enough and have the education to do so.

The other thought I just had is that just going to school really lifted my mood. It helped me to have something other than work to focus my interests on. So, maybe even a hobby outside work might be enough to give you relief from the work humdrum.

I'm praying for you, and I do hope you find a solution that suits you well soon. xxoo

Changing careers might be a good idea. I have to wait for that, though, because I haven't actually begun a first career yet; only internships. In a year I'm going to graduate with an engineering degree. I plan to work as one for a while, and then get a master's degree in something else and change careers.

As for hobbies, that's probably a good idea but I don't know where to start. Years ago I had a lot of hobbies, but they've dwindled one by one as I lost interest. My only hobbies now are drawing and reading. I plan to start learning the piano, but I've never been very inclined towards music in the past so I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stick with it.

Keep in mind that its nearly impossible to isolate depression from work. If you could, it would have happened by now. It would be nice to turn off depression at work so productivity and concentration could be optimal. Unfortunately, depression permeates all facets of our lives from personal to career. And for that reason, it is easy for individuals to feel completely overwhelmed and distressed since the pain cannot be escaped.

Whether you believe it or not, there are specific solutions for your specific depression. Perhaps you haven't found them yet. Perhaps they haven't been applied in an ideal fashion. Perhaps time and age is required. Sometimes, progress and recovery cannot be felt because of resistance and/or maturity limitations.

And some personality characteristics retain depressive feelings. For example, I am very sensitive, philosophical, and often reflect on the suffering and loss of life. These qualities can be beneficial but they often correlate with cynicism and depression.

There is still hope. There is still much to be learned, understood, applied, and experienced. There is opportunity for strength and confidence. Peace and joy.

To clarify, I'm not trying to completely isolate the depression from work, just find a way to deal with it and get through the day. I realize it's virtually impossible to be depressed and yet be extremely satisfied and productive at work, so I'm just trying to achieve a stable level of productivity. The reason I'm focusing this thread on work instead of in general on depression is because my threads on general depression in the past were unproductive. A few people, especially you, posted a lot and were extremely helpful, but you saw how I just over-analyzed everything. I don't see a way to fix the depression itself, so I'm just seeking some advice for functioning at this point.

Thank you for your post.

Penumbra, meds can take time to get the right one. The worst can make you worse, psychotic even. But don't give up, you can find the right one.

As for exercise, you said you exercise intensely. Are you trying to punish yourself, or to beat yourself into submission? Maybe a lower intensity would be beneficial.

I don't think my exercise level would qualify as punishing myself, and that's not the mindset I have when doing it. I exercise because I want to stay in good shape and because it releases endorphins, which supposedly help make people happy and content (though apparently are not particularly strong).

I use a lot of dumbells to stay toned, and run. Sometimes I go through phases where I am completely disinterested in exercising and I have to force myself to go, so I try to set goals for myself. This summer I worked on being able to run a mile in under 7 minutes, for example. If I exercise at a really low intensity, it doesn't feel like exercising, probably because I'm still young.

Get checked for ADD/ADHD as well.

That's probably a good idea. Does a regular doctor test for that or does one go to a psychiatrist?

-Lyn

 

[rahmiyn]

Changing careers might be a good idea. I have to wait for that, though, because I haven't actually begun a first career yet; only internships. In a year I'm going to graduate with an engineering degree. I plan to work as one for a while, and then get a master's degree in something else and change careers.

Are you going to school full time and working full time? If yes, that just might explain it all! You could be plum worn out, girl. You could be suffering from burnout. (((((hugs)))))

Btw, if that's the case forget the hobby idea!! lol

 

[Penumbra]

Are you going to school full time and working full time? If yes, that just might explain it all! You could be plum worn out, girl. You could be suffering from burnout. (((((hugs)))))

Btw, if that's the case forget the hobby idea!! lol

That's not quite how it is...

Nine months out of the year I go to school full time and work part time. (I have no choice to work, as I'm trying to keep my debts from expanding. My tuition debt is tens of thousands of dollars). In the summer, I don't have school, so I get an internship full time.

I am always somewhat busy, but not overly busy.

-Lyn

 

[Everlasting33]

I don't see a way to fix the depression itself, so I'm just seeking some advice for functioning at this point.
-Lyn

Do you believe your feelings are a result of your thoughts? If so, its a process of changing one's thoughts. If it is a result of biochemicals, medication is ideal.

Depression has not just come out of the blue. Something has triggered this and it is a better of insight to help recovery come along.

Note: I am so big of figuring out my own reasons for my feelings that is spills over.. so don't mind me!

 

[Penumbra]

Do you believe your feelings are a result of your thoughts? If so, its a process of changing one's thoughts. If it is a result of biochemicals, medication is ideal.

Probably both, as well as my environment.

I mean, I acknowledge that in many cases, depression is an illness. Many of my symptoms line up with those of this illness. And this illness can and does cause changes in thoughts, so it's not like the two concepts of thoughts and biochemicals are completely independent. As far as thoughts go, I don't see how I can change thoughts. Some of my thoughts change over time (usually for the worse), but I don't think I have the ability to just change my thinking patterns. When I try to think optimistically I just feel like I'm covering up my real thoughts with fake surface thoughts.

Depression has not just come out of the blue. Something has triggered this and it is a better of insight to help recovery come along.

Note: I am so big of figuring out my own reasons for my feelings that is spills over.. so don't mind me!

I don't think anything in particular triggered it. I started being sad all the way back in middle school and it's just been a slow decline ever since, gradually changing from mild sadness to relatively severe depression over the course of 7-8 years. So it's not so much out of the blue.

-Lyn