Degrees of commitment

[ej]

How does one quantify commitment?

I'm interested to know whether you guys think that engagement is equal to marriage, etc...

I know that there is a high incidence of divorce in Western countries, but I'm always surprised when I see engaged couples break off their engagements.

 

[IslandBreeze]

In the New Testament, enagement was equivalent to marriage (remember the Bible saying Joseph was going to divorce Mary quietly, even though they weren't yet married?). I believe in today's society engagement is your chance to back out before you say your vows.

 

[JillLars]

I can only speak personally. To me, when my fiance and I made a committment to each other (we are going to get married and spent the rest of our lives with each other), it was just as true as when we say it on our wedding day. Its always true, no matter when we say it.

For other people that may not be the case. There are people out there who lie about things like committment in order to get what they want. So, some people consider anything less than marriage to be less of a committment, and rightly so. We've all seen the Jerry Springer episodes, or maybe know people in our own lives who have gotten the "Sleep with me, we'll get married, don't worry about it" type of lines.

So...I think it depends on the couple, and their levels of maturity regarding the relationship.

 

[DaveKerwin]

I think it depends on the people.

When I propose to the woman I will marry, there will be no turning around. There will be no going back. A man should be a good for his word. If I ask a woman to be my wife, I will not go back on that and break my word. I will not change my mind.

I do not believe the committment is finalized until the wedding day. Engagement is like getting a new car. You pick out the vehicle, put a down payment, sit in the office to discuss terms. Now, before you actually sign your name down, you have already given the money, the information, you have been approved etc. If you tell the salesman you will take the car, then take the car. If you are not sure if you want to buy it, then don't say so. If you are not sure you are ready to even buy a car, stay off of car lots.

It is better not to make a committmen than to make it and break it. In my relationship I have only made committments that I will never break. There are many more I could have made, but have intentionally chosen not to because I will not chance breaking my word.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Cammie, you're great. That was an awesome response.

 

[LifeInYou]

There are many more I could have made, but have intentionally chosen not to because I will not chance breaking my word.

Awesome. Many people, even Christians, IMO, take their word too lightly. I stand for letting your yes be yes and your no be no in EVERY circumstance, no matter how small.

 

[Dawn Marie]

I am just as committed now as I will be when we get married.

Assuming he feels the same way...

 

[DaveKerwin]

Awesome. Many people, even Christians, IMO, take their word too lightly. I stand for letting your yes be yes and your no be no in EVERY circumstance, no matter how small.

right on, yes be yes and no be no.

The bible also says to guard your heart, and not to awaken love before its time. I have not told my girlfriend that I love her. Regardless of how I feel, I will not tell her such things until I have a ring on her finger. That is just the way it works for us. You cannot hand over your heart on a silver platter to someone you are not committed fully to (in marriage). I will admit that it is VERY difficult, but when dating, we should not act like we are married. Save acting like marriage for marriage.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

I have a friend who's fiance' recently cheated on him. They're "working on it"

Anyways, he came over to talk about it. I was explaining to him that your wedding day and/or the day you two break up isn't the same as the day it happens. What I mean by that is, they haven't had the ceremony, but hes already commited to a point where he's trying to keep things going. In a sense, he's already married to her, he just hasn't made it official yet.

Same with breakups. The date and time that one person says "I'm outta here" isn't necessarily the day it ends. My ex girlfriend and I broke up three times before we actually stayed broken up. So, when was the actual end of the relationship? IMO, it could be a year later when I came to a conclusion about something she might or might not have been doing, and realized I didn't care.

This may not make sense, but I guess what I'm getting at is that when you're talking about the beginning or the end of a relationship, there's a blurred time period around it that makes it very hard to determine when the actually change occurred. People can be married but not love eachother anymore. The relationships over, they just need to fill out the paperwork.

So, to be a little more on topic. A Marriage Liscense does not equal commitment. The commitment is made when you surrender to loving someone no matter what, then you throw a party and she spends all your money on a dress

Just my thoughts on some semantics I guess. Sorry if I'm off topic...

 

[ej]

That's not off topic, it's an interesting way to look at it!

 

[Edinburgher]

I think it depends on the people.

When I propose to the woman I will marry, there will be no turning around. There will be no going back. A man should be a good for his word. If I ask a woman to be my wife, I will not go back on that and break my word. I will not change my mind.

It is better not to make a committmen than to make it and break it. In my relationship I have only made committments that I will never break. There are many more I could have made, but have intentionally chosen not to because I will not chance breaking my word.

Right on, Dave!

I like what you're saying.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Here is another thing, slightly off topic. When people date seriously, it is natural for them to want each other sexually. So what usually happens is that couples get involved with each other in ways they should not be doing. Then if there is a break up, it makes the break up at least ten times worse. Many of you know exactly what I am talking about. Also, you leave a part of yourself with that person that is very difficult to get back, if at all. Any form of sexual intimacy is NOT beneficial before marriage. It only makes things more complicated, and usually worse. Even if the couple gets married, it still is not right, and makes things more complex. This is a big struggle for me. I have never had such a difficult time with anything. I keep imagining how good I will feel standing at the alter watching my bride walk towards me, knowing we have not had sex, and that God has been honored in our realtionship. That gives me chills. As my friend Rich said, I have never been more excited about waiting for anything.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Here is another thing, slightly off topic. When people date seriously, it is natural for them to want each other sexually. So what usually happens is that couples get involved with each other in ways they should not be doing. Then if there is a break up, it makes the break up at least ten times worse. Many of you know exactly what I am talking about. Also, you leave a part of yourself with that person that is very difficult to get back, if at all. Any form of sexual intimacy is NOT beneficial before marriage. It only makes things more complicated, and usually worse. Even if the couple gets married, it still is not right, and makes things more complex. This is a big struggle for me. I have never had such a difficult time with anything. I keep imagining how good I will feel standing at the alter watching my bride walk towards me, knowing we have not had sex, and that God has been honored in our realtionship. That gives me chills. As my friend Rich said, I have never been more excited about waiting for anything.

swiiiiiiissssshhhhhhhTHUNK*


*Bullseye from Kerwin

...and there was much rejoicing

 

[ej]

emma joins in the rejoicing 'cos she thinks Dave has a great point, honestly made.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

emma joins in the rejoicing 'cos she thinks Dave has a great point, honestly made.

see? much rejoicing.

 

[DaveKerwin]

haha, much rejoicing indeed

It is very tough, but so far very worth it. Pray for me! I know I cannot make it all the way on my own, holla if ya hear me!

 

[Warrior Poet]

HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Warrior Poet

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Dave, you bring some of the best insight.
Thank you.

 

[Schae7]

You are all so great and funny and right and wonderful. You make me laugh, smile and Praise the Lord! God Bless you all!

 

[IslandBreeze]

Dave, I believe that you have some very valid points, but people can change, or once you become close enough to the point of being engaged to someone, they may reveal things that they never have before--things that can change your mind about marrying them. Or there may be personality/lifestyle conflicts that you had never thought about before. Pre-marital counseling can bring out a lot of things that you would never even think about. I stand by my belief that engagement is your chance to back out before you say your vows.