Degrees of commitment

[DaveKerwin]

Dave, I believe that you have some very valid points, but people can change, or once you become close enough to the point of being engaged to someone, they may reveal things that they never have before--things that can change your mind about marrying them. Or there may be personality/lifestyle conflicts that you had never thought about before. Pre-marital counseling can bring out a lot of things that you would never even think about. I stand by my belief that engagement is your chance to back out before you say your vows.

Well, I am sure you and your husband defined engagement differently than I will when my time comes. As long as the two people are in agreement, things are fine. I was just sharing my take on it. Ideally, couples will discuss many things before counceling. So that if they know right from the start they are not combatible, then they can break it off hopefully before the people are emotionally connected to each other.

 

[highergrounds]

I'm blessed today! Dave and Cannie all have valid and good points. I don't believe you can hide your feeling of love to your girl friend and pretend by just keeping your mouth shut over the words. Commitment begins the moment I said "WILL YOU MARRY ME?". That made all th edifference to me in my relationship and has given me the energy to work towards our wedding day.

 

[thor7]

What you folks are missing is the fact that an engagement while in some ways a promise to marry is also a final period of determining a life long committment.
It is not in any way equal to a marriage, nor was it in biblical times. Marriage is a covenant between a couple and god. No such covenant exists at an engagement.


The bethrothal in biblical times was the beginning of a marriage, the part prior to living together, sex, etc. It had a legal binding document and many other societal implications.

The committment necessary for marriage may or may not be present in an engagement and better to break an engagement than a marriage die due to divorce. That being said breaking ones word is always a negative, however if you know after more thinking a wrong decision has been made, it is more merciful to end an engagement than enter another party in a life of unhappiness.

 

[katelyn]

I agree with what everyone has said about commitment, and how it should be serious. The main reason I stick with engagement being less of a commitment than marriage is because I have seen people get engaged without truly realizing what they're getting themselves into. I think it's better for them to realize they got engaged for the wrong reason than to get married. Once they are married, they should stick with it.

 

[God's daughter]

I definitely agree that we must take our commitments seriously! GOd commands it. However things like marriage--life long commitments are not always clear cut for everyone. people might find out after they are engaged that God did not lead them together or there are ceratin insormountable issues...i dunno, but it happens. It doesn't mean they didn't take the commitment seriously...people make mistakes!
Just as you do not sleep with your bf/fiance UNTIL you get married, you are not fully committed to each other UNTIL you are married. A break of engagement cannot be compared to a divorce.
I am emphasizing this because there are people who go on and get married even when they are having second thoughts or feeling uncomfortable because they have been engaged for so long. If you honestly have reservations or are not comfortable, there is nothing wrong with waiting until you are cool with it, or if necessary breaking it up.
Another reason for us to be more careful about the commitments we make to each other...

That said though, yeah a commitment is serious business...

 

[enslow]

If marriage is considered an equal commitment to engagement, why should a formal divorce not be required for an engaged couple who decide to break it off for one reason or another?

One of the reasons engaged couples are strongly encouraged to go through pre-marital counselling is to help them make a wise decision about their marriage. Some engaged couples have decided against marriage as a result of these counselling courses. According to the thoughts of some which equates the level of commitment of marriage and engagement, this would not be possible because they would be forced to follow through with the marriage despite knowing it would not work.

Let's not confuse honourable intentions (which could be equal in both) with the pragmatic aspects of engagement and marriage.

Enslow

 

[IslandBreeze]

I have a PERFECT example for this thread now! My brother-in-law and his fiance are supposed to be getting married in April. Four months ago, she told me that she knows they are going to end up divorced because she can't live broke (and my husband has forbidden me to say anything to his brother). If you think somebody wouldn't be happy over that breakup (regardless of an engagement being involved), you're dead wrong.

 

[JillLars]

If marriage is considered an equal commitment to engagement, why should a formal divorce not be required for an engaged couple who decide to break it off for one reason or another?

Is marriage more of a legal committment than an engagement? Yes, that's why you have to get legally divorced after you are married. Is a legal committment the same thing as committment, I don't think so. By that logic, couples who are seperated, seeing other people, but still legally married are more committed than a monogomous engaged couple. I honestly think it depends on the couples, I think it is possible to find many engaged couples who are much more committed than many married couples (and vice versa). It depends on the couple, the marriage certificate does not define the committment.

 

[IslandBreeze]

It depends on the couple, the marriage certificate does not define the committment.

You're right. The vows (promises, covenants, commitments) taken before God and family are what define the commitment. IMO, you can say you're committed until you're blue in the face, but until you have said those sacred vows and commited yourselves to God and to each other, saying you're commited doesn't mean a whole lot.

 

[enslow]

Is a legal committment the same thing as committment, I don't think so. By that logic, couples who are seperated, seeing other people, but still legally married are more committed than a monogomous engaged couple. I honestly think it depends on the couples, I think it is possible to find many engaged couples who are much more committed than many married couples (and vice versa). It depends on the couple, the marriage certificate does not define the committment.

I agree there's a difference between a legal commitment and an emotional commitment. However, I also believe that it's very appropriate that marriage requires an even stronger emotional commitment than engagement. If a married couple is in a situation where they are less committed than when they were engaged, then they probably have some work to do in their marriage.

For example, an engaged couple should still honour their parents before their respective fiancees because they have not yet formally cleaved from their parents. Also, the 'exit' door is still unlocked, and if an engaged couple decide that they will not be able to make it work, then is the last chance to part ways. Once married, they have a responsibility to make things work.

I hear of many couples who choose to not even kiss until they're married. I believe part of this is because they're concerned they may be tempted to go futher than they should, but I think part of it is they want to show how much more they value each other as husband and wife than when they were engaged. I wouldn't be surprised that the ideal marriage is one in which commitment continues to deepen as they grow together.

Enslow

 

[enslow]

The vows (promises, covenants, commitments) taken before God and family are what define the commitment. IMO, you can say you're committed until you're blue in the face, but until you have said those sacred vows and commited yourselves to God and to each other, saying you're commited doesn't mean a whole lot.

Unfortunately even saying those vows in front of God at the alter don't mean a whole lot to some people either. If they did, people wouldn't divorce because they supposedly vowed to honour each other, and stick with each other. I don't mean to be glum, but there's plenty of evidence out there. Me included. OK, I've dealt with all those issues now, but if I look at the past, my former wife walked out on the marriage; we shouldn't have even married in the first place.

Enslow

 

[MagicStar723]

It always bothers me when I see people break engagements left and right. What is the point of getting engaged if you aren't going to stay together? IMO by the time you are ready to make the commitment of an engagement you should be sure that you are going to get married!

 

[ej]

How the heck did this thread get resurrected?

 

[Katty]

*bump* like that.

~Katty~