Have been thinking a lot of suicide lately, are really tired of feeling trapped in anxiety and deep depression, despite staying on heavy medications. I've ended up completely isolated and just sitting alone all the time, where it's a challenge just to exist from day to day, having a kind of meat grinder inside my mind, crushing hope quite mercilessly. It's been like this for years, or even decades and don't remember what reality was like or what living felt like. I'd ended it all long ago, if not for being so fearful of not being welcome to God.
Could really need some uplifting words, and/or sincere prayers. To get some rest from myself, and able to break out of the spirit that push life out of all hope and any joy, and the constant gnawing anxiety.
Sorry for such a pessimistic post.
I’ve been there. I understand every bit of suffering you explained and also the large part of pain that can never be articulated. Depression is so hindering to our body, mind and spirit.
Well, I think it’s the thorn we have to live with until HE comes or calls us home. But, I’m learning that His Grace is very much sufficient to help us maneavour back each time we hit the rock bottom provided we patiently keep doing all that is in our power.
- Be in touch with His Word always. Read Bible even if you don’t feel like or enjoy reading which usually happens when you are depressed. Studying and pondering upon His word is great healing to the body and soul.
- God knows how we feel. He made us. He knows the wrath sin has brought on to our bodies and minds. He knows every weakness of ours that incapacitates us from feeling His presence and the joy of life. He knows, so take comfort!
- During the moments when you are feeling better, feed your soul with all the good things God has done in your life. Talk to yourself in detail about all your past life moments God revealed Himself, shown His mercy and faithfulness all the good that happened to you which wouldn’t have happened without Him. This way, create some spiritual reserve inside of you which will help you during your depressed times.. the times when you are incapable of thinking/processing anything positive. Pray for strength for your possible future depression episodes, in the periods of your right mind.
- Mostly there are some trigger points/ beginning points from where we spiral down into deep depression. Think back and try to identify those issues or aspects or relationships or sinful tendencies or thinking patterns. Try to address those trigger points, try to change your perspectives or the way you look at them. So, basically you will try to prevent before the intense thoughts trigger and get you down.
- Do not isolate yourself. Depression only gets worse that way. However compelling you might feel to lock yourself up in a room, just come out. Come out into the nature. At times, nature is a great healer and mood lifter. But you must place yourself in it.
Also, keep in touch with your hobbies.
- You are not alone. Satan is after all of us in many different ways and as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour. Depression is one easy battle for him to win. But as for us, It’s OK to lose some battles. Rest assured, we won’t lose the war .. It’s ours sealed in our favour by Jesus on the cross. This is the truth and when we remember this, it liberates us in many ways. Do not beat yourself up. His grace is sufficient to take us home victorious. Remember, we are travellers and God is our home?? Our life here might suck. But, we will be there with our Father one day.
Hang in there. Do not quit. Your life matters to God.
- Its OK to feel how you feel. God is loving and faithful and He delivers. Even if He doesn’t His grace is sufficient. His right hand is mighty enough to carry us throughout. Remind yourself this truth always even if it doesn’t make any sense to your depressed mind and heart.
- Take help of the resources God placed around you .. doctors, medications and foods etc.,
- You said in your post “
I'd ended it all long ago, if not for being so fearful of not being welcome to God.”
He will reward the love you have for HIM. Hang in there
@Alv Vatzdal!