Deep Thoughts

[toad_ster]

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy (as seen on SNL)

If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, leave them, because man, they're GONE!

Why does the dove get to be the symbol of peace, why not the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesnt have that dangerous beak!

You know what Im afraid of? A feather! Thats right a feather! Now how can anyone be afraid of a feather you ask? now that is a fair question, and I will give you an honest answer.  But first did i tell you it was a poisonous feather?

**if you remember any of the Deep Thoughts from SNL please share!**

 

[Skyfire]

Why does a family have to be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs?

 

[DeleseRose]

Sorry toad, but i can't remember any but i do remember he was incredibly stupidly funny.

 

[toad_ster]

I had the books, I want to post one, but its about like war and well I dont know, just dont think its appropriate...here is one:

it goes soemthing like:

Why do we laugh at a guy in clown suit, but we dont laugh at a guy carrying a clownn suit in a dry cleaning bag.

or..

if a tree falls on a mime does anyone care?

 

[DeleseRose]

Don't stop!

 

[findtbax]

When you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, take time to laugh. And let the hostages laugh too, because well, life is funny sometimes.

 

[Superman53142]

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

 

[Superman53142]

Some more

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then I could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Uncle Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

 

[Superman53142]

Last, but not least

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he
would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that
Uncle Caveman was a bear.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint
gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how
gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

 

[Superman53142]

Sorry if I posted too many at once, LOL

 

[KeepTheFaith15]

oh goodness thats funny

 

[Gerry]

If a mime is arrested, does he have the right to remain silent?