Dealing with spouses additions and depression

[pat4545]

My life was difficult. I found God but couldn't find solutions for those around me.

Sorry to hear that. Like the old saying goes your product of your environment. (I believe this with 99% of the people out there.)

So if you were raised in a poor environment if you don't realize that through adulthood chances are you will repeat that. Plus a lot of people just did or do what there parents do or did because thats all they really know, and sometimes to afraid to go out and try especially when the people around don't support you. I think its a incredibly hard circle to get out of because not only do you have to ignore some of your circle you have to strive very hard to be honest with yourself and what to really listen too.

I also believe its some what of a comfort zone too. Some people have been so beat down in life they think they are not good enough to have any better so they are afraid to try, or they do try once get knocked and never try again so they have maybe lower standards hang around with people who have less integrity or a less quality of person and make poorer choices, or maybe a choice they think is a easy winner a easy job of maybe less being fired or getting kicked out of a relationship.

 

[Rescued One]

"You can't expect your wife to be perfect." I'm not sure why you are saying this? What gave you this idea? (I have never met the perfect person, and probably never will as the human race is not a machine in a factory and even those break down at times.) I'm asking because did I say something in some way to expect her to be perfect? I expect people to make mistakes but when they make mistakes I expect them to communicate with me especially when I make it very clear to communicate with me to find a solution and learn from the failure or mistake they made.

I use this practice when it comes business which has worked fine with over 1000 people easily over the years. And I have been told by so many people that I am one of the easiest people to talk and to this day still haven't had one complaint. I have worked with a handful of really toxic people over the years where you have someone in the company that expects more then what there willing to do or even more importantly willing to put someone in there position of life.

I'm not asking this to be difficult I am asking this so I understand why I have given you this idea.

I wasn't trying to accuse you of any wrongdoing. I wanted to ease the pressure you are feeling to find a solution. Sometimes we're in situations where there are no solutioms and only God can fix things. When He doesn't change the other person, we are left with just being who He wants US to be. It's not fun, but He cares even when we don't understand His reasons. I understand tha you are easy to talk to. Please know that you have my sympathy. I understand your pain. I've been told that I have PTSD. God bless.

 

[pat4545]

I wasn't trying to accuse you of any wrongdoing. I wanted to ease the pressure you are feeling to find a solution. Sometimes we're in situations where there are no solutioms and only God can fix things. When He doesn't change the other person, we are left with just being who He wants US to be. It's not fun, but He cares even when we don't understand His reasons. I understand tha you are easy to talk to. Please know that you have my sympathy. I understand your pain. I've been told that I have PTSD. God bless.

Thank you for explaining more. I am more of a the type that there is always solution even if we do not know what it is at that very moment. I love some quotes from Thomas Edison when he puts along the lines of saying I have simply found 2000 ways for a light bulb not to work. And thats how I look at life.

I will partially agree with you though in some cases yes finding a solution is very hard and where do you call it quits at? I spent a few months with a serial killer not knowing they were a serial killer or going to be one. This person always treated me with respect and for me they were easy to get to open up. However with if this person was not treated with almost 99% thats where they would get mad or upset, maybe one day they would assume with me or I would make a mistake too. But the fact is murder is wrong and there was something still a bit off with them. So the question you have to ask yourself, and I ask myself is one day would they murder me if we still had that friendship. So yes you are right in that case I would mark as no solution especially after they murdered the 3rd person and sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on with life. Life is short but at the same time I still feel so horrible that parts have become a throw away cultural. But this is the whole reason why I came to this forum and many others is because I believe there's a solution and I just don't want to give up so easily.

 

[pat4545]

I wasn't trying to accuse you of any wrongdoing. I wanted to ease the pressure you are feeling to find a solution. Sometimes we're in situations where there are no solutioms and only God can fix things. When He doesn't change the other person, we are left with just being who He wants US to be. It's not fun, but He cares even when we don't understand His reasons. I understand tha you are easy to talk to. Please know that you have my sympathy. I understand your pain. I've been told that I have PTSD. God bless.

But I also agree with you on even me being questioned too, because it comes down to am I doing something wrong too? (I wake up every day how can I be a better person.) So I do appreciate you questioning too. I think it shows that you care, and more importantly look at every side, and do a double take to make sure things are in line because we are human.

 

[Josheb]

But I also agree with you on even me being questioned too, because it comes down to am I doing something wrong too?

Of course you are.

You are not perfect, so you are, simply as a matter of inevitability, doing something wrong.

Therefore, stop asking that question and start asking a more fruitful question(s). For example, the word "wrong" can have to meanings, one more and one efficacious. The question, "Have I done something that is immoral?" is a MUCH different question than, "Have I done something that is ineffective?" The first question is going to bring on guilt and shame and guilt and shame rarely help anyone solve a problem objectively or effectively. The second question can facilitate a goal-oriented response and that might contribute to improving the many problems existing within you and your marriage. Your wife's problems are not yours to solve. Thinking you can or should solve her problems may be one of the things you've done wrong . That's not a moral wrong, though. That is an ineffective wrong, not a moral wrong.

Think of it this way: the popular tele-counselor Dr. Phil often asks his victim's a very simple question. He asks them a bunch of questions and lets them tell their stories, and as they do so the audience increasingly sees the inanity of the game show participant's life. When the obviousness of the inanity reaches a critical point Dr. Phil springs the infamous question, "Why's that working for you?" And, of course, the other person has that momentary introspective look and answers, "I guess it's not."

In all the many years I was a counselor I rarely happened upon a client who did not already know if and when their behavior was immoral. No one needs to be told yelling epithets at a spouse is morally wrong. No one needs to be told rape, battery, theft, etc. are morally wrong. A few, occasionally, need that explained to them but most of counseling has absolutely nothing to do with morality. They better question is always "How is what you are currently doing helping you achieve your goals?" or "How is what you are currently doing help you achieve the life you would like to obtain?"

The answers to those questions mean you must first know what your goals are.

If you do not know where you are going, then you most definitely will not get there . It's not rocket science, but the simplicity and value of that principle often escapes people. If you're moralizing, then stop it. On the occasion that you do err morally the prescription is very plain and already known: apologize! Or, if you're interested in a more thorough response the confess the wrongdoing, purpose not to repeat the behavior and replace it with more godly alternatives, make amends wherever possible and ask for forgiveness (and receive it when given). You already know this. On the occasion you try something that does not work then, again, the prescription is readily available: chalk it up to an ineffective action, something that didn't get you where you wanted to go and try something else.

Guard your mind against "Nothing I do will ever make a difference!" and train yourself to say, "Well, that didn't work as well as I thought i might so let me try something else."

1 Corinthians 10:23
All things are permitted, but not all things are of benefit. All things are permitted, but not all things build people up.

Moralizing yourself into guilt, shame, and remorse is permitted, but it is not very beneficial and does not edify you. Accepting the fact that you, me, your wife, Ricky, Lucy, Bert, Ernie, and everyone else is a sinner is a reality that everyone should accept. Once accepted, the power the Christian has facing sin to overcome it in the otherwise ordinary circumstances of life can be enormously empowering.

Set some goals. Set a few easily accomplished ones that prospectively will move you toward solving the problems alluded to in the op OR moving you, personally, toward a position where you are better able to do so. Set some moderately distant goals and set some goals that are more over-arching and will take time to accomplish. Work them all a little at a time. Review them periodically to 1) measure progress and 2) make adjustments wherever needed (because mistakes will be made).

 

[pat4545]

Of course you are.

You are not perfect, so you are, simply as a matter of inevitability, doing something wrong.

Therefore, stop asking that question and start asking a more fruitful question(s). For example, the word "wrong" can have to meanings, one more and one efficacious. The question, "Have I done something that is immoral?" is a MUCH different question than, "Have I done something that is ineffective?" The first question is going to bring on guilt and shame and guilt and shame rarely help anyone solve a problem objectively or effectively. The second question can facilitate a goal-oriented response and that might contribute to improving the many problems existing within you and your marriage. Your wife's problems are not yours to solve. Thinking you can or should solve her problems may be one of the things you've done wrong . That's not a moral wrong, though. That is an ineffective wrong, not a moral wrong.

Think of it this way: the popular tele-counselor Dr. Phil often asks his victim's a very simple question. He asks them a bunch of questions and lets them tell their stories, and as they do so the audience increasingly sees the inanity of the game show participant's life. When the obviousness of the inanity reaches a critical point Dr. Phil springs the infamous question, "Why's that working for you?" And, of course, the other person has that momentary introspective look and answers, "I guess it's not."

In all the many years I was a counselor I rarely happened upon a client who did not already know if and when their behavior was immoral. No one needs to be told yelling epithets at a spouse is morally wrong. No one needs to be told rape, battery, theft, etc. are morally wrong. A few, occasionally, need that explained to them but most of counseling has absolutely nothing to do with morality. They better question is always "How is what you are currently doing helping you achieve your goals?" or "How is what you are currently doing help you achieve the life you would like to obtain?"

The answers to those questions mean you must first know what your goals are.

If you do not know where you are going, then you most definitely will not get there . It's not rocket science, but the simplicity and value of that principle often escapes people. If you're moralizing, then stop it. On the occasion that you do err morally the prescription is very plain and already known: apologize! Or, if you're interested in a more thorough response the confess the wrongdoing, purpose not to repeat the behavior and replace it with more godly alternatives, make amends wherever possible and ask for forgiveness (and receive it when given). You already know this. On the occasion you try something that does not work then, again, the prescription is readily available: chalk it up to an ineffective action, something that didn't get you where you wanted to go and try something else.

Guard your mind against "Nothing I do will ever make a difference!" and train yourself to say, "Well, that didn't work as well as I thought i might so let me try something else."

1 Corinthians 10:23
All things are permitted, but not all things are of benefit. All things are permitted, but not all things build people up.

Moralizing yourself into guilt, shame, and remorse is permitted, but it is not very beneficial and does not edify you. Accepting the fact that you, me, your wife, Ricky, Lucy, Bert, Ernie, and everyone else is a sinner is a reality that everyone should accept. Once accepted, the power the Christian has facing sin to overcome it in the otherwise ordinary circumstances of life can be enormously empowering.

Set some goals. Set a few easily accomplished ones that prospectively will move you toward solving the problems alluded to in the op OR moving you, personally, toward a position where you are better able to do so. Set some moderately distant goals and set some goals that are more over-arching and will take time to accomplish. Work them all a little at a time. Review them periodically to 1) measure progress and 2) make adjustments wherever needed (because mistakes will be made).

thank you