@pat4545, your html tags are all awry. I'll try to reply as best I can and if I miss something you've posted then just post it again.
The reason her acknowledgement is important is because that is the first step to change. People who do not acknowledge a problem exists do not change. They see no need to change. The next step is for them to set about a few goals relevant to their acknowledged need to change. Simply put, if a person does not know where they are going then they will not get there.
The question, "
How do you love her?" has to be answered with more substance than the answer provided. It needs to be answered
practically, or
practicably. Take, for example, the 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 passage. Scripture always
operationalizes love; it does not assert love merely as an emotion or feeling, or a warm oogly sensation in your body. Love is kind. When a person is not kind they are not loving. Love is patient, forbearing, hopeful, trusting, etc. Gary Chapman's book, "
The Five Love Languages" is good because it operationalizes love and helps the reader understand
how they and their partner experience love. This is important because most husbands and most wives experience love differently from one another. The five "languages" of love are words of affirmation, physical (nonsexual) touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. People tend to love others the way they want to be loved and those who grew up in homes where love was not well-expressed may have difficulty doing so when they marry and the demands of intimacy come to bear on their relationship. If, for example, you are a "gifts" kind of guy and your wife is an "acts" kind of gall then you could gift her and gift her and gift her until you were bankrupt, but she may never feel loved because she doesn't recognize that language...... and vice versa. There's an abbreviated online test that can help each of you understand your own love language. "Love" is simply a word we use to indicate
value. I value you in a unique way that I do not share or give anyone else. That is what we're supposed to be doing in marriage: valuing each other in an exclusive, unique, and increasingly intimate way. We get wed in ten minutes. It takes a lifetime to love one person.
Common ground: Where people have agreement they have relationship. Where they do not have agreement, they do not have relationship. Common ground is necessary. I assume you both agree depression is not good for a marriage. That would be common ground. However, it would be "negative" common ground. What is something "positive" or something goal-oriented upon which the two of you agree and/or can mutually and
collaboratively pursue. For example, what forms of physical intimacy are agreed upon in this marriage. Every couple explores this and comes to some degree, large or small, expressly verbal or not, on this topic. Are public displays of affection allowed, and if so then what, specifically. most women do not want to b fondled in public and some husbands have to have the difference between fondling and groping explained to them. Common ground can be mundane, like who does what chores. In my house whoever cooks does not do the dishes and the dishes are done before going to bed. How do we pay the bills (50/50 or as a percentage of income?). Are finances pooled, wholly separated, or divided three ways (pooled with a small portion set aside for each individual to do with as they wish)? How and when do we talk about things we do not like, which is really nothing more than how and when can we discuss real or perceived need for change? Most arguments are nothing more than 1) a need for change, and/or 2) a plea for value and affection. Few things in life are as powerful as feeling heard. Your wife will never again be heard by her father (if she ever was in the first place)
. Start small. Most couples were on their best behavior during courtship. If you knew how crazy I am you wouldn't love me (and if you don't love me then you're never going to marry me or allow me to marry you
). The two of you will eventually have to sort out what's always been there versus what was triggered by her father's demise. That's not easy for anyone.
I'm going to stop here because this post is long, and I've got to go soon but I'll return to further elaborate. My question about exercise is designed to get you to think about how what you do makes you a better husband, not just how life is better when you're fit, or when endorphins are pumped into your system. If something does not help you be a better husband then maybe it should be put aside, at least for a season. Think of the question in a different way: How does
X help you be a better Christian? Reading the Bible should be a helpful something. Watching slasher horror movies may not. I was a big "gym rat" when my wife and I met. As we dated longer and longer going to the gym for a workout, dinner afterwards, and movie (or whatever) became a part of our courtship. However, I had to make adjustment because apart from here I might spend two hours four days in a row, take one day off and then repeat.... so left to my own devices I was spending a lot of time in the gym. That wasn't possible when I got married and even less so when we started having kids. Even less so when I went back to grad school. If an hour at the gym is recompensed with an hour doing something of service for my wife, or deliberate time spent affirming her and her hobbies then that might be an example of how exercising has a positive benefit on the marriage but if that's done rotely it's not actually me being a better
husband. That would be me being a better mechanic of surgeon in my marriage, not a better lover.
In review:
- Discuss the problem(s) and reach a shared understand of the problem(s), or at least a few of the things needing improvement.
- Reconceptualize them into goals to pursue together. You or she may have to work on one goal more than the other person, but with another goal the proportions may be reversed. My wife cannot stop me from being angry, but she can provide me with a relationship and support that empowers me to take more of the onus on myself knowing she has my back.
- Figure out practical ways to value one another, ways that are observable and measurable so that you know it happened, she knows it happened, you know she knows it happened and she knows you know it happened . Whatever else is going on in your lives you can always love her. I would venture to say this is a great deal of the Christian life because regardless of whatever else it is God has me doing in service to Him..... I am God's agent of His love for that woman I married, and it's taken me thirty years to figure that out and I'm still learning.
- Parallel to the pursuit of goals, and the loving that ideally the two of you are learning to do, there's the establishing of common ground. That's not going to happen without opening your mouths and speaking with one another. It's not going to happen without closing your mouths and actively listening to one another, either. So, one of the good place to start might be a collaborative reading of a book on basic marital communication. I recommend "Boundaries Face to Face," by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a simple and fast read. No chapter is longer than three or four pages. you learn something, she learns something, and then the two of you take turns discussing what you've learned, affirming one another and expressing gratitude, and you grow common ground in the process. Another book I recommend is "Letters to Philip." There's a companion tome for wives, but I've not found that is as effective with couples, especially younger ones (the book was written in the 1960s).
- Think about what helps you be a better husband. Do more of what helps, less of what obstructs.
Understand that all of the above is going to be win-win for you. You get to be a better man, period. I have no idea whether or not the two of you will salvage the marriage (you cannot do it alone) but I am rooting for you. If the marriage fails you are going to hurt. I don't mean to be insensitive, but I don't care. Put on your big boy panties, put the bit in your mouth and start acting like an adopted son of The Most High God....... whether you are successful saving the marriage or not. Most folks remarry. You may not. Most folks don't want to consider the prospect fresh off a divorce (and that's generally a good idea). Some fools rush back into another marriage and repeat their mistakes because they haven't learned
about themselves. The above is for the two of you but you do your part and you'll be better for doing so. Along the way your wife will benefit, even if she does not heal from what I suspect is a bereavement gone awry (keep in mind it's completely inappropriate for anyone who hasn't met your wife and heard from her to diagnose her and start prescribing treatment. All of the above is good for any marriage and, sadly, most of our parents did not teach us these things. Take what you can from the above and put the rest on the proverbial back burner until it's useful or not needed.
Gotta go. Blessings and hope
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