Dealing with Obnoxious People

[Matrona]

I was wondering if there was any particularly Christian way to deal with profoundly obnoxious people.

I'm talking about things like engaging in filthy, unsanitary habits during Divine Liturgy, behaving extremely disrespectfully towards the priest during his homily or discussions, and choir members passing notes and chatting during the Liturgy, even when they're supposed to be singing.

How does one tactfully handle this kind of behavior?

 

[AnthonyRC]

Read Matthew 7:3-5 and Luke 6:41-42. It is the priest's place to say something to them if he feels it necessary. The best thing we can do is to focus on our own failings.

 

[RobNJ]

Pray for them
(NOT for a lightning bolt, though )

Try to stay far enough away, that they can't disturb you during DL

 

[Matrona]

The best thing we can do is to focus on our own failings.

I hate when people say that! It's like telling a woman her PMS pains are all in her head. What's going on is affecting my ability to focus on anything at all! I can't lose myself in the liturgy if someone is talking over it, or trying to bring to my attention some ridiculous piece of gossip, or answering his cell phone during liturgy and not leaving the nave until someone makes gestures for him to leave! I find myself wishing that the Orthodox Church did not frown upon summary executions! This immature behavior scares away our visitors (from the parish or from Orthodoxy altogether), and convinces visiting Orthodox from other parishes that we're not really Orthodox, just a bunch of ridiculous converts who were never taught how to act in church.

 

[MariaRegina]

Talk to your priest. It's his parish after all.

Warning - You may not like the answers he gives.

My Spanish college professor said that he observes incredibly filthy and/or immature behaviors when he is on the road.

I don't know how he does it, but he sees nose picking, snot eating, hair brushing, lipstick spreading, etc. within the cars of the other drivers. His vivid descriptions make me nauseated and I temporary lose any focus on God. I'd rather he pick his nose than incessantly describe how others do it.

How he can drive and 'safely' observe the behavior of others, beats me!

No doubt, the offenders he observes will look at his big protruding nose and his gapping mouth and say to themselves

lol - just my two cents

 

[ufonium2]

I'd like to second Aria's caveat about maybe not liking the priest's answer.

I was in a similar situation, except it was largely the kids (and I mean elementary and middle school aged, not babies) who were driving me crazy. Of course, their parents were exhibiting behaviors similar to what you describe, which is not at all surprising. Kids act like their parents.

On that note, groups take on the personality of their leader. So I wouldn't be surprised if your priest said to you, as my (former, obviously) priest said to me, "Get over it. That's what we do here." (Of course, he'll probably be nicer about it. Probably.)

Maybe wait till the bishop comes, and see if homie will get off his cell phone any quicker when the bishop tells him to. Then again, if they disrespect the priest who's to say they'll be any better for the bishop?

 

[Matrona]

On that note, groups take on the personality of their leader. So I wouldn't be surprised if your priest said to you, as my (former, obviously) priest said to me, "Get over it. That's what we do here." (Of course, he'll probably be nicer about it. Probably.)

No, mine is nothing at all like the people causing the problems. He's the nicest person ever.

That might sound like an exaggeration, but I know I've tried his patience a few times and he has never, ever shown any kind of rudeness or short temper or even frustration.

 

[Tsarina]

I was wondering if there was any particularly Christian way to deal with profoundly obnoxious people.

I'm talking about things like engaging in filthy, unsanitary habits during Divine Liturgy, behaving extremely disrespectfully towards the priest during his homily or discussions, and choir members passing notes and chatting during the Liturgy, even when they're supposed to be singing.

How does one tactfully handle this kind of behavior?

This reminds me of some people in my Church, who answer their cellphones during Divine Liturgy or dont turn off their cellphones. The phones keep rining time to time, its such a disturbance.

Also, people who keep talking to one another during DL. Not only is it rude, but its very distracting when someone infront of you is yapping away. Thank God for the Parish Group, who will come up to these people and hush them in their face, lols.

 

[RolandCheney]

If anyone acted that way in our cathedral, the minute the Archbishop noticed it, he would walk straight up to them and say in a quiet voice, 'If you're going to do that, take it outside.'

 

[RolandCheney]

PS - he's a wonderful man and we all love him.

 

[Greg the byzantine]

We have a sign in the Narthex now that says please turn of all beepers, cellphones and all electronic devices. Before the sign went up, I remember somebody's cell phone rang in church, and father stopped the liturgy to say "Whoever has the cell-phone turn it off, and if anyone else has one turned off I also advice them to turn it off". After the Liturgy he adressed the congregation that such business, and conversations (relating to the cell-phone) should be left outside the church, and if you can not part with your cell-phone for two hours or at least keep it turned off during the liturgy you shouldn't even bother coming. He did understand however that there are certain cases, such as doctors, people who might have a wife at home who is pregnant, or who might need there cell-phone on, and he said that if for any of these reasons you must have it on in church to please leave it on vibrate and sit near the door so that you can leave without disturbing everyone.

 

[InnerPhyre]

Whenever something like that happens, my priest turns around and asks the people to please be quiet.

 

[InnerPhyre]

We have a sign in the Narthex now that says please turn of all beepers, cellphones and all electronic devices. Before the sign went up, I remember somebody's cell phone rang in church, and father stopped the liturgy to say "Whoever has the cell-phone turn it off, and if anyone else has one turned off I also advice them to turn it off". After the Liturgy he adressed the congregation that such business, and conversations (relating to the cell-phone) should be left outside the church, and if you can not part with your cell-phone for two hours or at least keep it turned off during the liturgy you shouldn't even bother coming. He did understand however that there are certain cases, such as doctors, people who might have a wife at home who is pregnant, or who might need there cell-phone on, and he said that if for any of these reasons you must have it on in church to please leave it on vibrate and sit near the door so that you can leave without disturbing everyone.

I'm always sure to leave my phone in the car. Even with it turned off, I dont trust myself not to accidentally turn it on somehow during liturgy and have it go off much to my embarassment.

 

[Matrona]

I put my phone on silent, then turn it off. That way if it comes on by accident it will still be on silent.

 

[Greg the byzantine]

I'm always sure to leave my phone in the car. Even with it turned off, I dont trust myself not to accidentally turn it on somehow during liturgy and have it go off much to my embarassment.

I always leave it at home, because my phone's power button is loacted on the keypad so whenever I lean against anything it turns on

 

[Lotar]

I usually leave mine in the car too. My priest gave us a little lecture a few months back about church etiquette. I think if anyone actually had the gall to answer a phone in church, there'd be a good chance they wouldn't live to do it again, after decon gets to them.

As for what to do: Tell them to meet you by the dumpsters after church, to settle it old school.

 

[axios]

Once one Pascha in my former parish, all the once-a-year people were out in force. There was this family from some eastern European country. All through the service the wife was complaining and voicing her displeasure. Although I didn't understand the language one could read the body language. After a while the husband turns around and tells his wife to shut up. She didn't say a peep after that. It was great

 

[Akathist]

Read Matthew 7:3-5 and Luke 6:41-42. It is the priest's place to say something to them if he feels it necessary. The best thing we can do is to focus on our own failings.

Honestly, I had trouble with this way of handling things by my priest and he said just about this same thing to me. He said it nicely but I hated the confrontation. However, I did what he said. When others are making noice and being rude in church I notice myself starting to get angry or frustrated and embarrassed... and I remember the Priest telling me this...

I then MAKE myself think of how I have not always honored the Lord in my behavior... not just before becoming a Christian, or before my "born again" experience or even before becoming Orthodox.... but how that morning or the evening before I have acted in a way that did not honor the Lord.

Then I remember another thing my Priest said... I complained to him that I was mistreated by someone... someone being rude to me (OK, it was my mother, just don't tell her)... and he said "She is good for your salvation, Praise God.".

I was stuck dumn silent. I had no response to that. I just thought about it and thought about it and prayed about it and then realized that being treated rudely was good for me and I could agree with that.... but I couldn't explain why.

So now when someone is rude in church and distracting, I think "That person is good for my salvation"... and I honestly start to feel less upset and can focus so much more.

 

[HandmaidenOfGod]

I know many houses of worship (not just Christian) have started to install signal scramblers to prevent people from receiving calls during worship.

In the interim, I would just speak to your priest.

 

[VickiY]

There's a protestant Church in Wales that has actually installed wireless internet in the church because the pastor feels people should be able to check their e-mail during the service.

I agree with Thornygrace as to the issue of salvation, but I have to say, I fall far short of the mark, there. I tend to turn to the folks having loud, gossipy conversations during Divine Liturgy, and ask them very sweetly and politely.."I'm so sorry...is the Liturgy interfering with your conversation?" Generally, this does the trick.