December 23, 2003 is a day that will be etched in my mind for the rest of my life. Three small words turned my world upside down and changed my life in so many ways. At 11:39 PM, my best friend, the person that I loved more than anyone in the entire world told me he was gay. His exact words were, Casey, Im gay. I couldnt believe it. My heart ripped and I was at a loss for words. I couldnt breathe and I couldnt cry. I sat there in shock, utter disbelief. To this day, there are no words to describe how I felt at that very moment. No person is prepared to hear those words.
I didnt know what to feel. Should I be flattered that he decided to tell me and no one else? Should I be mad because it is a sin? How was I going to get through this? How would I be okay with everything? I was upset. A single tear finally ran down my cheek and after that one tear, they didnt stop falling for three days. I didnt eat or sleep or smile for three days. I knew from this moment on that my life would never be the same.
The next few days were hard. I had a billion questions and no answers. I was scared of myself and what I was going to do. I was scared to talk to him. I knew it would be awkward but I knew that he needed my support more than anything right now. This kid opened himself up to me and I could either be selfish and end the friendship right there because I couldnt handle it, or I could be the best friend that I could be. It was obvious to me what the right choice was. It was now up to me to be the best friend. He needed me and I was going to do everything in my power to be the best I could be.
I didnt realize how hard it was. To be the only person someone confides in is a hard job. I heard and knew about everything, even if I didnt want to know. Even if it hurt me inside, I knew. In no way am I saying that it was all bad. We did have fun times where we would laugh about people and I would know when he was looking at another guy and hit him or we had nicknames for all of the guys and it was fun, but deep down I had a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of hurt that I could not channel. I had to keep all of this to myself and to him. The only person that I could talk to about this was him and at times I didnt want to talk to him about it because I didnt want him to regret telling me. There wasnt an hour that went by without me thinking about this and the more I thought and analyzed the more it tore me inside.
I began to loose hope. I began to feel like such ****. I considered myself a failure because I couldnt change him. There was nothing I could say or do to change him. I felt hopeless because I couldnt do anything for him. I was trying to be the best friend I could and I didnt see it helping at all. Yet through all of this we were becoming so close, closer than most people would ever be in a lifetime. Even through the friendship, though, there was pain. At the lowest parts of this time, I thought that I would have to give up and was going to leave him because the stress and pain was too high. I was trying to do this on my own and I wasnt strong enough.
Then there came a glimpse of hope. After four months of keeping this a secret, I got an unexpected phone call. It was a phone call that probably saved me or my sanity at least. The call was from my youth pastor. I was at my other friends house when I received the call. He called me to tell me he knew about my friend and he knew that I was keeping this secret and that I didnt have to deal with it alone anymore. This was a turning point for me. I broke free of all the things that were holding me captive. I had a channel out. I had a person to talk to and to understand and to cry to. He told me that I could call him whenever I needed anything and that I wasnt alone anymore. But more than that, he brought God back into the situation.
Up to this point, I tried to solve all the issues by myself. Not once did I earnestly come to God for strength and help. I tried to use my own strength and I failed. I tried using my friends strength and it failed. The answer was sitting there waiting for me and I totally ignored it. It wasnt until after I talked to my youth pastor that I realized that the only person that can do anything in this situation is God. The only person that could make any difference in my friends life was holding his arms out to me. God did not expect me to deal with this on my own and He would never give me more than I could handle. He would never give me something that I could not conquer with His help. Doing this alone was pointless because without faith it is impossible to please God. This one phone call put hope back in my life.
I soon realized that knowing God is there and fully relying on Him were two different things. One was a lot easier than the other. From the beginning, I knew God was there but I never turned any of this over to him because I thought I could do it. I was wrapped up in my own drama and our own feelings that it never occurred to me that there was a God who was ready and willing to be my support and my savior. This was the time I tried to turn it over to Him. But saying it with words and meaning it in my heart were different. I tried giving it to God but it was just with my words and I would express to my pastor that things werent getting better. That I still felt the same way and I was doing the same thing as I was before. He told me to be real and honest with God.
That night was one of the weirdest nights in my life that I can remember. I yelled at God and questioned Him and cried my eyes out to him. I told Him everything I was feeling and how mad I was and how I didnt understand. He broke me down. By the end of this, I was pleading with God. I needed strength and love and a will to live and I knew that only He could give it to me. From that day on, I tried my best to give the situation to God but again it still wasnt what I wanted. It was still hard for me to grasp everything and I still didnt have the hope that I needed to convince me that relying on God was the best thing. One Wednesday at church, God put it on my heart to write a contract of exactly what I was doing. That night I was determined to give everything over and I wasnt going to screw up this time. I wrote out my letter of submission and I knew exactly what I was going to do with it.
I went to my youth pastor that night and explained to him what the paper was. I told him that I wanted him to keep it. When I started complaining about the stuff going on or how hard things are and what I am doing to try to solve things, he was to remind me of my commitment. He loved the idea and told me that he would be more than willing to do it. To this day, every time I think about doing things on my own and get stressed about it, I think of that paper and about how he is going to ask me how Im doing. When I think of that, I remember my commitment to God. It isnt about what I can do, its about what God can do through me.
Today, only six months later, I can say that I have hope. I can say that everything will turn out and that I can get through this one. My friend and I are going to make it through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. God gave us each other for a reason, for the edification of his kingdom. But He also didnt expect me to do this alone. Not only did he bring my pastor into my life but He brought Himself back into my life. I am promised in His Word of this: I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE. Because of this I am confident that amazing things are to come. That He is going to use me for his glory and that is the reason I am here today.
I didnt know what to feel. Should I be flattered that he decided to tell me and no one else? Should I be mad because it is a sin? How was I going to get through this? How would I be okay with everything? I was upset. A single tear finally ran down my cheek and after that one tear, they didnt stop falling for three days. I didnt eat or sleep or smile for three days. I knew from this moment on that my life would never be the same.
The next few days were hard. I had a billion questions and no answers. I was scared of myself and what I was going to do. I was scared to talk to him. I knew it would be awkward but I knew that he needed my support more than anything right now. This kid opened himself up to me and I could either be selfish and end the friendship right there because I couldnt handle it, or I could be the best friend that I could be. It was obvious to me what the right choice was. It was now up to me to be the best friend. He needed me and I was going to do everything in my power to be the best I could be.
I didnt realize how hard it was. To be the only person someone confides in is a hard job. I heard and knew about everything, even if I didnt want to know. Even if it hurt me inside, I knew. In no way am I saying that it was all bad. We did have fun times where we would laugh about people and I would know when he was looking at another guy and hit him or we had nicknames for all of the guys and it was fun, but deep down I had a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of hurt that I could not channel. I had to keep all of this to myself and to him. The only person that I could talk to about this was him and at times I didnt want to talk to him about it because I didnt want him to regret telling me. There wasnt an hour that went by without me thinking about this and the more I thought and analyzed the more it tore me inside.
I began to loose hope. I began to feel like such ****. I considered myself a failure because I couldnt change him. There was nothing I could say or do to change him. I felt hopeless because I couldnt do anything for him. I was trying to be the best friend I could and I didnt see it helping at all. Yet through all of this we were becoming so close, closer than most people would ever be in a lifetime. Even through the friendship, though, there was pain. At the lowest parts of this time, I thought that I would have to give up and was going to leave him because the stress and pain was too high. I was trying to do this on my own and I wasnt strong enough.
Then there came a glimpse of hope. After four months of keeping this a secret, I got an unexpected phone call. It was a phone call that probably saved me or my sanity at least. The call was from my youth pastor. I was at my other friends house when I received the call. He called me to tell me he knew about my friend and he knew that I was keeping this secret and that I didnt have to deal with it alone anymore. This was a turning point for me. I broke free of all the things that were holding me captive. I had a channel out. I had a person to talk to and to understand and to cry to. He told me that I could call him whenever I needed anything and that I wasnt alone anymore. But more than that, he brought God back into the situation.
Up to this point, I tried to solve all the issues by myself. Not once did I earnestly come to God for strength and help. I tried to use my own strength and I failed. I tried using my friends strength and it failed. The answer was sitting there waiting for me and I totally ignored it. It wasnt until after I talked to my youth pastor that I realized that the only person that can do anything in this situation is God. The only person that could make any difference in my friends life was holding his arms out to me. God did not expect me to deal with this on my own and He would never give me more than I could handle. He would never give me something that I could not conquer with His help. Doing this alone was pointless because without faith it is impossible to please God. This one phone call put hope back in my life.
I soon realized that knowing God is there and fully relying on Him were two different things. One was a lot easier than the other. From the beginning, I knew God was there but I never turned any of this over to him because I thought I could do it. I was wrapped up in my own drama and our own feelings that it never occurred to me that there was a God who was ready and willing to be my support and my savior. This was the time I tried to turn it over to Him. But saying it with words and meaning it in my heart were different. I tried giving it to God but it was just with my words and I would express to my pastor that things werent getting better. That I still felt the same way and I was doing the same thing as I was before. He told me to be real and honest with God.
That night was one of the weirdest nights in my life that I can remember. I yelled at God and questioned Him and cried my eyes out to him. I told Him everything I was feeling and how mad I was and how I didnt understand. He broke me down. By the end of this, I was pleading with God. I needed strength and love and a will to live and I knew that only He could give it to me. From that day on, I tried my best to give the situation to God but again it still wasnt what I wanted. It was still hard for me to grasp everything and I still didnt have the hope that I needed to convince me that relying on God was the best thing. One Wednesday at church, God put it on my heart to write a contract of exactly what I was doing. That night I was determined to give everything over and I wasnt going to screw up this time. I wrote out my letter of submission and I knew exactly what I was going to do with it.
I went to my youth pastor that night and explained to him what the paper was. I told him that I wanted him to keep it. When I started complaining about the stuff going on or how hard things are and what I am doing to try to solve things, he was to remind me of my commitment. He loved the idea and told me that he would be more than willing to do it. To this day, every time I think about doing things on my own and get stressed about it, I think of that paper and about how he is going to ask me how Im doing. When I think of that, I remember my commitment to God. It isnt about what I can do, its about what God can do through me.
Today, only six months later, I can say that I have hope. I can say that everything will turn out and that I can get through this one. My friend and I are going to make it through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. God gave us each other for a reason, for the edification of his kingdom. But He also didnt expect me to do this alone. Not only did he bring my pastor into my life but He brought Himself back into my life. I am promised in His Word of this: I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE. Because of this I am confident that amazing things are to come. That He is going to use me for his glory and that is the reason I am here today.
