Daughter's grief

[dorig59]

Hi everyone. Today is my daughter's 17th birthday. Exactly one month ago, she lost her beloved fiancee. He killed himself in a rather brutal way because he thought she was going to break up with him. Obviously, there were other problems going on in his head, but I don't know quite what to do here. They had been going together for almost two years and had lots of plans. She is bereft, of course, totally empty and without direction. She looks dead inside. She assures me she won't kill herself, but she says she has no will to live, that she wishes God would take her so she could "be with him". I know she needs time and such, but is there anything I should be looking for or anythiing in particular I should be doing/not doing??

 

[Ariel]

Hello dori.

I have two teens, 17 and 15, who lost a close friend to suicide five years ago. The devastation and shock was very difficult for them to deal with. I can only imagine how your daughter must feel, for this loss was so much greater.

Here are some things which may help--

Spend time with your daughter. Go out to eat, talk. Go to a park for a walk and talk. Get her to talk, about anything. Build your relationship with her right now. Try to make things upbeat and positive. Remember she is missing her dear friend, almost husband and there is a huge empty spot in her life right now.

Check into counseling. Take her there. She may need coping skills she doesn't have yet. She also needs to talk to a professional to hear the reassurance that this was not her fault.

Tell her that this was not her fault. A young man committing suicide at this age indicates other problems. This is not her fault.

Reassure her that although she hurts right now, she will feel better as time goes on. Healing comes in little steps. Look for progress not from day to day but from month to month.

Get help immediately if she shows any of the signs of impending suicide. For example, asking for forgiveness, giving personal possessions away, talking about wanting to die and having a plan.

For more information: http://www.sfsuicide.org/html/warning.html

 

[NostalgicGranny]

I agree with Ariel.
She needs time, and she needs to know this was not her fault regardless of why he said he did this.
The fact that she says she has lost her will to live seems like a warning sign to me, so I would find some sort of counseling. Even if it isn't one on one counseling - there are lots of suicide survivor support groups. Take her to one. She probably won't feel like she needs it but try to get her to go anyhow. That is where she will discover she is not alone, it is not her fault, and there are ways to get past this hurt.

 

[dorig59]

Thank you so much to those of you who have written. Your words have comforted and encouraged me.

However....dear Lord, please help us. Please bring comfort somehow, some way to Annie.

She just went through the house going on about how she doesn't see the need to go back to school since she isn't going to live too long anyway, why should she put the effort into something like that? She's convinced if she prays it enough that God will take her life without her having to do it herself. She said that she and Sean were supposed to be together and since he's not here.....

I told her that they were supposed to be together, but ALIVE, and that Sean shouldn't have done what he did.

 

[Ariel]

dori, she sounds like she needs help. I would get her into counseling ASAP. I sounds like she has dug herself into a hole she will need help to get out of.

The reason I am saying this is because of my own experience with depression. Sometimes the hole of despair is just too deep. Take her to counseling. Get her help as soon as you can.

 

[NostalgicGranny]

That is a red flag - you need to get her some help a.s.a.p. Please don't wait. Please call your nearest suicide hotline to find the closest place to bring her.

Sometimes in life a person needs someone to save them from them self - this is one of those times. As her parent it is your job to do all that you can to protect your child, even if it is protecting her from hersef. Please don't wait another minute, get your daughter some help now. She is past the point of reasoning with her why this happened.

 

[dorig59]

Thank you, everybody. I shall take your advice.

 

[NostalgicGranny]

Wondering how you re doing and wanted to let you know I am still praying for you and your daughter.

 

[dorig59]

Wondering how you re doing and wanted to let you know I am still praying for you and your daughter.

Thank you. How am I doing? Well, go two threads up to the one entitled "This is too much" and there you'll get the update. Yea, that's me. This is unbelievable.