Daughter not talking to me

Avniel

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My wife is pregnant now...sometimes pregnant women need some grace. She's a child still, we are around the same age, so sometimes it's stress and the only person you know you can I guess blow the steam off on is your parents or siblings. I don't think you should take it personal. Just keep some oil for the hormones lol
 
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Avniel

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Each pregnancy is different. Everyones ability to cope with it is different.

I really hope what I'm about to say does not sound rude or harsh. It's my gut reaction based on my experience, and also how I think I will handle my relationship with my sons as they transition into adulthood.

As a person who isolated herself from her family in my early 30's, I've got to say some of what you said made me feel uncomfortable. At the age of 30 she needs to handle her own life. You need to take on the role as a friend and maybe a nurturing advice giver (if she asks). But it's time to stop being Mama. She is grown. She has a husband and is a mother herself. Let her do this. So what if her house is messy? They can clean when they get the chance. So what if they are too tired or busy to cook? They can eat a sandwich or something simple like soup from a can or some salad.

When I was younger my mother did do a lot to help me. But most of it was not needed or wanted. Sometimes some of the help that was needed, she would do her own way instead of the way I needed it done. And I remember times when there was something I needed or wanted some help with, and she refused. Her reasons for refusing was because she had already done so much (even though I didn't want her to), or because I didn't appreciate it when she did things I didn't need or want. Once children become adults respect runs both ways. You have to respect them as independent equals. They still need to have an attitude of respect toward you, but that does not mean they have to do what you want or that they have to let you do what you want to do for them.

I understand you have done a lot for her, and given a lot of money. If you give of your time or finances, each instance is a one time gift. If you choose to continue giving, that's your choice. They should be thankful and behave respectfully. But that does not mean they owe you for the rest of their lives. You can't give something to someone and then guilt them into maintaining a relationship the way you want it to be. If you give and expect something back (relationship the way you want it), then you're giving for the wrong reason.

Perhaps your daughter wants an equal footing relationship, and to be treated as an autonomous adult. Or perhaps your daughter is being disrespectful because you've done so much she takes you for granted, and she can't cope with it when she does not get what she wants from you. I don't really know. But I think there is a bigger picture here than just her not being appreciative.
I think that's an American perspective or maybe a Northern or inner city. When my business started to fail my family helped me out a great deal. If one of my cousins is having an issue the family comes together a fixes the solution. If you just want your children to have a good job, a decent house and well rounded children then I can understand your perspective.

But as a father I want my daughter to inherit wealth. I want her to pass on even more wealth than she has. I work hard now so years down the line when my daughter is 45 and she needs 600k for whatever....it's going to be there.

Now that my business is back on track, I'm done with school and I'm comfortable.....my family still gives me money. My grand auntie saw me and gave me 2 dollars for no reason.

My family is totally different, but if I have a cousin that needs a place to stay people talk about you if you don't help. Even when my cousin was charged with assault on an officer and possession of a firearm.....they paid the lawyer and judge he got probation......homes, schools, businesses(family is helping do my grand opening).....

That's why everyone in my family are home owners....you build the young so the progress the name if not it's stagnation.
 
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JAM2b

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I think that's an American perspective or maybe a Northern or inner city.


My family is totally different, but if I have a cousin that needs a place to stay people talk about you if you don't help. Even when my cousin was charged with assault on an officer and possession of a firearm.....they paid the lawyer and judge he got probation......homes, schools, businesses(family is helping do my grand opening).....

That's why everyone in my family are home owners....you build the young so the progress the name if not it's stagnation.

I'm from the South, and I grew up on a farm and lived in a small town when I grew up. It's a personal responsibility thing.

I'm not talking about help that is really needed, or helping your children get established in life. But what the OP was talking about was a bit overboard. Cooking for a 30 something year old on a weekly basis who is married and is becoming a mother herself is over the top. Cleaning their house for them, unless it is some extreme circumstance, is unnecessary at best, enabling at worst. The OP also talked about her daughter being upset because she wasn't being listened to about help she needed, when she was clearly being given a lot of help. So either help was given that was not wanted, or the daughter wants more help than she should be getting.

At 30 years old, adults - pregnant or not - can come up with their own meals and clean their own house.
 
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Avniel

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I'm from the South, and I grew up on a farm and lived in a small town when I grew up. It's a personal responsibility thing.

I'm not talking about help that is really needed, or helping your children get established in life. But what the OP was talking about was a bit overboard. Cooking for a 30 something year old on a weekly basis who is married and is becoming a mother herself is over the top. Cleaning their house for them, unless it is some extreme circumstance, is unnecessary at best, enabling at worst. The OP also talked about her daughter being upset because she wasn't being listened to about help she needed, when she was clearly being given a lot of help. So either help was given that was not wanted, or the daughter wants more help than she should be getting.

At 30 years old, adults - pregnant or not - can come up with their own meals and clean their own house.
When my wife was pregnant her mother stayed with us on and off during the first trimester. Her niece would come over and clean the house. My wife is in her first trimester now....instead of her mom my Jamaican family help her out. That's part of sisterhood.

I guess it's more of an American thing. In my culture it's more of an extended family and community centered social structures. If my little cousin was pregnant people would expect me to bring her food and cook if her mother wasn't around.....that's just what family does.

Or she's not feeling well and has her hormones playing double Dutch so she catches attitudes quickly. That's the explanation most OBGYNs will give you.

To me that's not really being in a family. If you can't help me clean up my house when I'm not feeling well....what's the point? Why do I associate myself with you?
 
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