Daughter not talking to me

[Brinal]

Hi,
I have a 30year old married daughter. We have had a good relationship for many years.
But just recently I feel like I have been used and abused by her a lot. I mean it's not serious, but just her whole attitude towards me. Like she never appreciates all that I do for her. I've gone over to her house and cleaned once a fortnight. Helped with cooking a meal for them once a week, we have helped them financially to buy their own home. I've always been there for her.
When ever we have had an argument, I would always be the one who would think it's all my fault and say that I am sorry.
She is pregnant at the moment - and had been to see the doctor for a routine check up, so I asked her how she was and how the bubs was doing. She replies back to me and says. "I don't feel comfortable talking to you about how I am anymore as you haven't been listening to me or taking me seriously"
I was very hurt, when she said that. So I just said ok then.
And left it at that. Since then she has not called or spoken or text me.
I do listen to her, but I sometimes forget things, my health is not good and she knows I have a bad memory. I have cared so much for my kids, even putting them first before my husband. I have given so much to them. Which is why I feel I just don't deserve to be treated this way. Does anyone have any advice for me? It's been over 3 weeks now and I have not heard from her. I do miss her and am thinking about her all the time and how the pregnancy is going. Should I be the one to make contact? Or would I just be allowing her to treat me this way.

 

[saulfactuspaul]

Lucky her if she has parents who will help her buy a house, you sound to benevolent, she is old enough to stand on her own two feet and point out to her if she complains that not all young people receive the level of support she has been given by you.

 

[4x4toy]

She loves you but she has a husband she belongs to now , maybe they feel they need more space , give it to them and don't keep score or feel like she owes you payback .. You are a great mother who cares is all , She is blessed to have you and things will sort out .. Peace and prayers for you ..

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

It's nice when they need you. She'll soon be missing all that you do for her and will have a change of tune soon no doubt. You don't sound like you have anything to be sorry for as you're doing far more than your part already. Dissing your way of communicating isn't showing respect for who you are so consider standing your ground and wait for her to make the move.
She may be moody from the pregnancy and have other priorities at the moment also. That's something your daughter seems to want to work out for herself without your help. Let her.
I find that as I get older I think far more about my kids than they have time to think of me. They have busy lives. At this point I'm content to sit back and watch. They know I'm there if they need me.

 

[fragilewingz]

you're a great mother! in fact you're exactly like my mom. she is the mpst supportive and loving person I know. but we had a very rocky relationship when i was growing up. and yes, she was usually the one to break the ice. i guess parents were built that way. we (including me, i'm a single mom now) love our kids far too much go wait for them to make the first move.
if she's pregnant then i hope its just hormonal. either way, I know your daughter loves you. things will be okay.
just give it time and continue to pray.
don't beat yourself over it. she'll come around and when she realizes how much love you've given her, she'll respect you more for it.

 

[Endtime Survivors]

Hi Brinal. Sorry to hear about the problems you're having.

What do you think she meant, that you don't take her seriously? It sounds like she may be talking about more than just a forgetful memory.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Two thoughts;

It could be hormones.

Sometimes children seem / are incredibly thankless, for reasons known only to themselves.

You sound like an attentive, sacrificing, hard-working mother. Keep loving your daughter, in spite of her unpleasantness. Pray for her. And maybe give her a bit of space, too.

 

[Brinal]

Hi Brinal. Sorry to hear about the problems you're having.

What do you think she meant, that you don't take her seriously? It sounds like she may be talking about more than just a forgetful memory.

 

[Brinal]

Hi Brinal. Sorry to hear about the problems you're having.

What do you think she meant, that you don't take her seriously? It sounds like she may be talking about more than just a forgetful memory.

Hi ES,
I have or might have forgotten, that she was struggling commuting to work. I was finding it hard to understand because it was only a half hour commute by train. And a 20min walk from the train station to her work. I guess it was a lot more serious to her.
I used to travel for an hour and a half to my job when I was pregnant. Ok that was my generation. But even now girls her age are travelling heaps more. And doing all the house work cooking etc. by themselves. She made that have been referring to that, but also perhaps there have been little things that she has told me and I might have forgotten.

 

[Brinal]

Lucky her if she has parents who will help her buy a house, you sound to benevolent, she is old enough to stand on her own two feet and point out to her if she complains that not all young people receive the level of support she has been given by you.

Thank you. For your advice.

 

[Brinal]

It's nice when they need you. She'll soon be missing all that you do for her and will have a change of tune soon no doubt. You don't sound like you have anything to be sorry for as you're doing far more than your part already. Dissing your way of communicating isn't showing respect for who you are so consider standing your ground and wait for her to make the move.
She may be moody from the pregnancy and have other priorities at the moment also. That's something your daughter seems to want to work out for herself without your help. Let her.
I find that as I get older I think far more about my kids than they have time to think of me. They have busy lives. At this point I'm content to sit back and watch. They know I'm there if they need me.

Thank you fro your advice. Greatly appreciated.

 

[Endtime Survivors]

Hi Brinal. Thanks for sharing a bit more of the picture.

I was finding it hard to understand because it was only a half hour commute by train. And a 20min walk from the train station to her work. I guess it was a lot more serious to her.
I used to travel for an hour and a half to my job when I was pregnant.

I get the feeling this general tension between the two of you, where you don't feel appreciated and she thinks you don't respect her, has been going on for quite some time.

It is just a natural consequence that the more work we put into something, the more attached we will be to that something. It sounds like you've invested a lot of work in your daughter's adult life and so you have a strong investment there. Maybe too much?

Perhaps the arrangement was fine (or tolerable) up to now, but a baby means huge change. Your daughter may be feeling crowded, especially if you have strong opinions. I'll be honest; the disagreement about the commute to work comes across to me as nagging. Maybe you feel like you had a good reason to nag her about her attitude, but it doesn't sound like it based on the information you shared. You could have just let that one go.

The dynamics of your relationship are changing and you need to change with them. Choose your battles carefully because she's gonna be her own mama bear soon, and she may not appreciate meddling, even from a loved one.

Her complaint is that she feels disrespected but I reckon a more suitable interpretation of this would be, "My mother has strong opinions and it's diving me crazy".

 

[Brinal]

you're a great mother! in fact you're exactly like my mom. she is the mpst supportive and loving person I know. but we had a very rocky relationship when i was growing up. and yes, she was usually the one to break the ice. i guess parents were built that way. we (including me, i'm a single mom now) love our kids far too much go wait for them to make the first move.
if she's pregnant then i hope its just hormonal. either way, I know your daughter loves you. things will be okay.
just give it time and continue to pray.
don't beat yourself over it. she'll come around and when she realizes how much love you've given her, she'll respect you more for it.

Because I am new to this forum, I don't know how to post a thank you for all your lovely messages, and prayers.
I just want to thank you all for your prayers, I was so happy today my daughter called me and we talked for about an hour.
I have learnt so much from all your messages, I am working on having a better relationship now with my daughter and also at the same time setting boundaries.

 

[fragilewingz]

Because I am new to this forum, I don't know how to post a thank you for all your lovely messages, and prayers.
I just want to thank you all for your prayers, I was so happy today my daughter called me and we talked for about an hour.
I have learnt so much from all your messages, I am working on having a better relationship now with my daughter and also at the same time setting boundaries.

I'm so glad you two are talking again. Praise be to God for answering all our prayers

 

[Endtime Survivors]

my daughter called me and we talked for about an hour.

Glad to hear it. Good luck!

 

[JAM2b]

Each pregnancy is different. Everyones ability to cope with it is different.

I really hope what I'm about to say does not sound rude or harsh. It's my gut reaction based on my experience, and also how I think I will handle my relationship with my sons as they transition into adulthood.

As a person who isolated herself from her family in my early 30's, I've got to say some of what you said made me feel uncomfortable. At the age of 30 she needs to handle her own life. You need to take on the role as a friend and maybe a nurturing advice giver (if she asks). But it's time to stop being Mama. She is grown. She has a husband and is a mother herself. Let her do this. So what if her house is messy? They can clean when they get the chance. So what if they are too tired or busy to cook? They can eat a sandwich or something simple like soup from a can or some salad.

When I was younger my mother did do a lot to help me. But most of it was not needed or wanted. Sometimes some of the help that was needed, she would do her own way instead of the way I needed it done. And I remember times when there was something I needed or wanted some help with, and she refused. Her reasons for refusing was because she had already done so much (even though I didn't want her to), or because I didn't appreciate it when she did things I didn't need or want. Once children become adults respect runs both ways. You have to respect them as independent equals. They still need to have an attitude of respect toward you, but that does not mean they have to do what you want or that they have to let you do what you want to do for them.

I understand you have done a lot for her, and given a lot of money. If you give of your time or finances, each instance is a one time gift. If you choose to continue giving, that's your choice. They should be thankful and behave respectfully. But that does not mean they owe you for the rest of their lives. You can't give something to someone and then guilt them into maintaining a relationship the way you want it to be. If you give and expect something back (relationship the way you want it), then you're giving for the wrong reason.

Perhaps your daughter wants an equal footing relationship, and to be treated as an autonomous adult. Or perhaps your daughter is being disrespectful because you've done so much she takes you for granted, and she can't cope with it when she does not get what she wants from you. I don't really know. But I think there is a bigger picture here than just her not being appreciative.

 

[Larniavc]

Hi,
I have a 30year old married daughter. We have had a good relationship for many years.
But just recently I feel like I have been used and abused by her a lot. I mean it's not serious, but just her whole attitude towards me. Like she never appreciates all that I do for her. I've gone over to her house and cleaned once a fortnight. Helped with cooking a meal for them once a week, we have helped them financially to buy their own home. I've always been there for her.
When ever we have had an argument, I would always be the one who would think it's all my fault and say that I am sorry.
She is pregnant at the moment - and had been to see the doctor for a routine check up, so I asked her how she was and how the bubs was doing. She replies back to me and says. "I don't feel comfortable talking to you about how I am anymore as you haven't been listening to me or taking me seriously"
I was very hurt, when she said that. So I just said ok then.
And left it at that. Since then she has not called or spoken or text me.
I do listen to her, but I sometimes forget things, my health is not good and she knows I have a bad memory. I have cared so much for my kids, even putting them first before my husband. I have given so much to them. Which is why I feel I just don't deserve to be treated this way. Does anyone have any advice for me? It's been over 3 weeks now and I have not heard from her. I do miss her and am thinking about her all the time and how the pregnancy is going. Should I be the one to make contact? Or would I just be allowing her to treat me this way.

it may be that significant level of emotional and domestic support you have given her is inappropriate for her age and this has left her with the belief that she can treat you however she pleases; secure in the notion that you will always be the one to make the first move.

There is no easy answer to this.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Sometimes I see people who are doing wonderful things for others, but the things they are doing are what THEY think would be helpful. Yet, those things are not the things the other party wants and would find most helpful. That is what I think of when your daughter says you are not listening. I suspect it's not that you are forgetting, but you may be missing something important to her. When in doubt, ask. I would go back to her and ask, "You said I was not listening. What have I missed that you would most like me to know?"

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Have you talk to her lately. She could be overly emotional. Because of her pregnancy.

 

[akmom]

I'm glad to hear that you are on speaking terms again.

Personally it sounds like you are taking a much bigger role in her life than is appropriate for her age. There is value in giving her autonomy over her household and finances. It will teach her responsibility and help her not to take you for granted.

Perhaps the empty nest stage is hard on you. It sounds like you are perfectly fine investing everything in your children and then depending on them for all your emotional needs. But adult children have the right to autonomy, and you should think about filling that void in other ways. My mom found herself with nothing to do when we grew up, and it was a tough time for me setting those boundaries without hurting her feelings. When my dad died, we had to start all over with different boundaries, because she needed us more. But everyone needs a social support network outside of parenthood, and this will be good for you and your daughter both. It will keep you grounded and give her space, and improve the time you do have together.