dating

[secretdawn]

not sure where to start this so i figured here would be good.

I am a single mother and I left my daughter's father about 3 months ago. Just last week I started dating a great guy...I have a feeling it may get serious, but I don't want to jump the gun and jinx it or something.

The problem is that my ex is still after me. He is refusing to let go and accept that it's over and I think he is doing it to himself. I know he will always be part of my life, we even go to church with our daughter together to have "family" time. I know he will lose it when I tell him I am seeing someone, and when I say lose it, I mean danger to himself and others (others being the new guy). I don't know how to tell him, or how long it's ok to wait til I do tell him.

Has anyone gone through this?
even if not, any suggestions on how to break it to him and how to handle it, and how long to wait, would be great. I need some outside opinions.

 

[betalkin2god]

I've never been in your shoes, but pray God will clearly direct you in this. Matters of the heart are very sticky, aren't they?
You might want to speak with a church pastor and get some good biblical counsel on this one. I assume you mean you are divorced from this man. If he still attends the same church it might be a good idea to change churches or will this upset your daughter too much? You need to really consider your daughter on this whole thing. A relationship for you does include her and her feelings. I'm also guessing that you know that the divorce statistics for the 2nd time around are Really high. This whole sit. needs a Ton of prayer and seeking God's direction and healing and protection. Seek God's Face on this and Go Very Slowly for everyone's sake!
Blessings,
B

 

[secretdawn]

we aren't divorced we had a child before i was christian...we thought sticking to the same church is a good idea for Laura (my daughter) and it worked out fine for a little while...I want to be friends, but he won't let me...I am only getting married once I have always believed that. This guy is great, he has a kid too, and is newly christian (well re-christian i think), and he is great around Laura....I know it's only been a week, but we have talked a lot and I would like to continue.
As for changing churches it is petty, but I won't...I have searched through dozens of churches for one that I could fall in love with and this is the only one, and he has plenty of other churches he likes, and I won't give it up, I believe this congregation is a huge help in maintaining my walk with God. I have been praying and I will continue...I just hope I hear Him right...listening is harder than it seems.

 

[Crazy Liz]

I believe this congregation is a huge help in maintaining my walk with God. I have been praying and I will continue...I just hope I hear Him right...listening is harder than it seems.

Have you sought counsel on this question from your church? The people who know you and your family can help you a lot more than strangers. If they help you maintain your walk with the Lord, they should be able to help you with guidance on these questions. Your family and love life have a huge effect on your walk with the Lord.

 

[secretdawn]

I did talk with my pastor and he said he thought i should stay away from him for awhile, but i don't know how to approach people with my problems, i don't want to burden them

 

[Yitzchak]

I have been in your shoes in the sense of being in a similar situation of when and how to start dating after a divorce and how to handle the children and the ex.

There is no simple answer to sucha complicated situation but I can see why your pastor gave you the advice to distance yourself. One principle which is important is to resist the urge to "think out loud" and send out mixed signals either to the ex or the new guy you are dating. It is normal and healthy for you to need a process to sort out your feelings and decisions about these things. The worst mistake which I made when I was in a similar situation was in discussing it with the ex and with potential dates. So the problem became, I needed the process and someone to talk to about it but the absolute wrong people to talk to about it are the ex and the new partner. For this reason, most people advise some time and distance for healing and perspective before starting a new relationship and also some distance from the old relationship for the same reason.
I suggest that you look at the "long term" if your concerns are about the effect on the child. Only you can know for certain when it is time to move on but one big clue will be when you no longer feel the need to "think out loud" about your decision making process with your ex and with a new partner. I suggest trying to break the cycle of reacting to situations and pray through to get proactive direction about your future. It sounds like you have already done this about the subject of only marrying once. Which is why that subject is easier for you to handle your feelings about with your ex. Apparently your ex does not feel the same way about that. That is extremely emotionally difficult for your ex. Don't add to that pain by taking your ex's invitation to be involved in your life (no matter how humiliating a position it puts them in). Chances are your ex doesn't have the emotional strentgh to say no , so you need to make your goodbye firm.
Just my thoughts. I will pray it works out well for you.

 

[Crazy Liz]

I did talk with my pastor and he said he thought i should stay away from him for awhile, but i don't know how to approach people with my problems, i don't want to burden them

Stay away from whom? Your child's father or your new bf?

Don't worry about burdening them. That's easy for me to say. I tend to have the same problem.

I would think the church would first want to help you see whether the family relationship you already have can be salvaged and made regular (by marriage). If not, then I think they would want you to try being single and celibate for a while before considering becoming involved in a new relationship.

However, each situation is unique. Those who know you best can help more with the unique aspects than we who don't know you.

 

[secretdawn]

My plan was just that, to stay single (the celebicy is still there, of course) and I wasn't looking, and there he was...and I don't want to rush anything or something like that, but i believe life is full of chances and he could be one of them and I don't want to miss out. I am over my ex, he was very bad for me and honestly I was bad for him and we have tried everything (aside from counciling, which he refused) and I think we are better off, though he doesn't see it.

I was told to stay away from my ex...the new guy just came up, though we briefly touched on dating, and all that rot...
Is it lying if I say he is just a friend I hang out with, I don't want to hurt my ex again, and I don't want to not be honest, but really is it even his business anymore?

 

[Crazy Liz]

I can't say whether it's his business, but I think it's you church's business. It sounds like you need some help with discernment about this new relationship. Go back to the pastor or other person at the church who told you to stay away from your ex and ask them what they think about your new bf.

In my experience, people often make mistakes in new relationships if they haven't established enough time alone after ending the old one.