Dating

[Not David]

I don’t blame them. I grew up in a patriarchal home and need leadership and passion. They are expecting something else.

They lack a goal and make girls their goal instead.

 

[dzheremi]

The problem is that men might think that becoming best friends will lead them to become a couple.

Oh. I see. I thought you were referring to people who had already been a couple and then weren't anymore (and obviously broke up amicably enough to actually still appreciate each other as people). Yeah, I don't think it's ever a good idea to try to befriend someone for the purpose of trying to date them (having that as the end goal), because then it can end with one side feeling used (like "they weren't actually my friend; they just wanted to be with me romantically, but they weren't honest about that"), and the other side feeling frustrated ("I was always there for them, having to watch them date everyone but me even though we'd be really good together"). That's not a good situation for anyone. I've been in that situation with a friend of mine, where I didn't know she felt that way until she started saying passive-aggressive negative things to me when I told her I was dating a girl. "I'm not happy with the way you're telling me this" and stuff like that, when I didn't realize I was supposed to keep her informed of my personal life (I didn't mean to hurt her feelings or anything; there just weren't clear boundaries there because I didn't know there needed to be). It's not a good feeling. You should probably avoid that.

 

[bèlla]

They lack a goal and make girls their goal instead.

I know but I’m compassionate. I must find one for myself and my daughter. She’s placed it in my hands.

 

[dzheremi]

I have a question for the people of this thread, if the OP doesn't mind (it is related, I think): If you do not do or are not planning to do western-style 'dating' but are still looking for a partner, what is the alternative you are embracing?

Like in the Coptic Orthodox Church a lot of marriages are arranged, as I wrote earlier. I don't feel like that's really appropriate for me because I'm a westerner so that seems weird, but then I remember when I was in my previous parish in Albuquerque, NM some of the busybodies in the parish (the aunties; like in the Greek church they call them yiayias; in Egyptian Arabic, they are called tant طنط) would tell me "We have to find you a nice girl so you can settle down here with us." I felt so bad having to remind them that I was only in New Mexico for graduate school, which would be ending soon (I received baptism in 2012, graduated in 2015). But that is their way. If you don't have Egyptian family, don't worry because you still sort of do have Egyptian family, and they will find you someone, or die trying. So most marriages are very traditional, formed through church bonds, and they have a short engagement period in which the couple gets to know each other under the watch of the church community, which is as close to 'dating' as it seems to get. Probably a lot of westerners would find it stifling, but after having dated for years from my late teens up until about 2 years ago (when I finally realized it just wasn't for me), I have a feeling this is much more what I would like. Something that is serious by its nature, and not like the western way which can often feel like you are 'trying out' or being 'tried out' as a person, like a piece of furniture or something, to see if you fit in the other person's pre-set life. It is exhausting and feels pointless after 15 years or more.

So I'd like to hear what other avenues people are trying, if not dating.

 

[MasterYourLife]

I have a question for the people of this thread, if the OP doesn't mind (it is related, I think): If you do not do or are not planning to do western-style 'dating' but are still looking for a partner, what is the alternative you are embracing?

Like in the Coptic Orthodox Church a lot of marriages are arranged, as I wrote earlier. I don't feel like that's really appropriate for me because I'm a westerner so that seems weird, but then I remember when I was in my previous parish in Albuquerque, NM some of the busybodies in the parish (the aunties; like in the Greek church they call them yiayias; in Egyptian Arabic, they are called tant طنط) would tell me "We have to find you a nice girl so you can settle down here with us." I felt so bad having to remind them that I was only in New Mexico for graduate school, which would be ending soon (I received baptism in 2012, graduated in 2015). But that is their way. If you don't have Egyptian family, don't worry because you still sort of do have Egyptian family, and they will find you someone, or die trying. So most marriages are very traditional, formed through church bonds, and they have a short engagement period in which the couple gets to know each other under the watch of the church community, which is as close to 'dating' as it seems to get. Probably a lot of westerners would find it stifling, but after having dated for years from my late teens up until about 2 years ago (when I finally realized it just wasn't for me), I have a feeling this is much more what I would like. Something that is serious by its nature, and not like the western way which can often feel like you are 'trying out' or being 'tried out' as a person, like a piece of furniture or something, to see if you fit in the other person's pre-set life. It is exhausting and feels pointless after 15 years or more.

So I'd like to hear what other avenues people are trying, if not dating.

I understand the pre-arranged marriage deal.
If your marriage is founded on Jesus, then love doesn't operate exclusively with one person; you can fall in love with any person who shares your faith.
As Christians you share the same beliefs, which is a default precursor to "knowing" each other.
Westerners date because they want to find someone who holds similar beliefs. If you know your person of interest is Christian, and can hold a mutual loving relationship, then what's the need to date? That Christian won't have any more or less flaws then another Christian.

My preferred avenue is finding a person you click with. Neither of you are searching, nor dating, and yet together fall in love unconditionally. Not necessarily a friendship, although not against it.

 

[☦Marius☦]

Honestly I am a bit tired of the way "dating" is even presented anymore. Courtship is better in my opinion. People rarely get their older wiser parents to help in the processing of making a life choice, often at a young age. Dating now relies on the slimy game playing of each individual in order to fake being someone else in order for someone to "love" you.

I will tell you what love is- its complete honesty to yourself, to your spouse, and to God. Only God can create true love between two people. Unless a couple is 100% dedicated to growing closer to communing with God then they will not know what it is to love and be united as one.

I am a brutally honest individual. Most women don't care for it, but there are also women who respect that. I would rather be respected for my love of Christ and trusted to lead the relationship based on that.

Anything else is death to the fire a Christian marriage should have.

 

[dzheremi]

I understand the pre-arranged marriage deal.
If your marriage is founded on Jesus, then love doesn't operate exclusively with one person; you can fall in love with any person who shares your faith.
As Christians you share the same beliefs, which is a default precursor to "knowing" each other.
Westerners date because they want to find someone who holds similar beliefs. If you know your person of interest is Christian, and can hold a mutual loving relationship, then what's the need to date? That Christian won't have any more or less flaws then another Christian.

My preferred avenue is finding a person you click with. Neither of you are searching, nor dating, and yet together fall in love unconditionally. Not necessarily a friendship, although not against it.

Yes, but certainly there must be other elements to personal chemistry beyond shared religious beliefs, no? In my case, the shared beliefs is a given/prerequisite, since Coptic Orthodox people aren't allowed to marry outside of the communion (meaning only Copts, Ethiopians, Eritreans, Syriac Orthodox people from the Middle East and India, French Coptic Orthodox [who usually get forgotten, because they're autonomous rather than autocephalous], or converts like me), so that's taken care of already. The question is still about everything else, then.

It's not even that I disagree with you, it's just that this is idealized and I don't know if it works out that way in reality as it should.

 

[MasterYourLife]

Yes, but certainly there must be other elements to personal chemistry beyond shared religious beliefs, no? In my case, the shared beliefs is a given/prerequisite, since Coptic Orthodox people aren't allowed to marry outside of the communion (meaning only Copts, Ethiopians, Eritreans, Syriac Orthodox people from the Middle East and India, French Coptic Orthodox [who usually get forgotten, because they're autonomous rather than autocephalous], or converts like me), so that's taken care of already. The question is still about everything else, then.

It's not even that I disagree with you, it's just that this is idealized and I don't know if it works out that way in reality as it should.

I understand your question, and as I stated my desired path towards marriage: it's a special bond you acquire unconditionally. Neither of you are on a scheduled date, looking and acting your best. Nothing is forced or fake. Nor are you trying to make friends or even acquaintances. Rather you are both your true selves and thus the connectionship is infinitely stronger when you fall in love.
I believe that's the ultimate element to personal chemistry, as you put it.

 

[mama2one]

Did you date or do you do it now?

dated husband but not for long as he asked me to marry him two months after first date & married four mos later
we ate out at nice restaurants, went to several plays, roller skating, etc

 

[Jonaitis]

Did you date or do you do it now?

Do you have a problem with it?

In terms of having an intimate relationship with a woman, I have.

I do have a problem with it now that I understand why it is a relatively young practice. It is essential marriage without the commitment. You treat another person as if they are your spouse. Then there is recreational dating...which does far more damage to an individual and runs the risk of ruining future relationships.

You know, courtship is a biblical way for young men and women to prepare for a marriage.

 

[ilovejcsog]

Don't most if they are single and available?

 

[Paidiske]

If you know your person of interest is Christian, and can hold a mutual loving relationship, then what's the need to date? That Christian won't have any more or less flaws then another Christian.

No, but one might need to be wise and discerning about which flaws one can live with, and is prepared to love in spite of.

I'm married, and I had no problem dating when I was single. My husband was the third guy I'd spent any time with in that sort of way; and the other two were not people I was prepared to commit myself to for a lifetime. But I could only find that out by spending time with them and getting to know them.

I don't really feel I necessarily had much in the way of alternatives, to be honest. No way was I going to allow my (abusive) parents a say in my choice of spouse; and "courtship" relies on a community which embraces that and other people who want to practice it. (And I suspect that the way some people date is closer to what some other people mean by courtship; so probably we need to define both of those terms before being able to discuss either or contrast them).

 

[GOD Shines Forth!]

I would rather be respected for my love of Christ and trusted to lead the relationship based on that.

Amen.

 

[CharismaticLady]

Did you date or do you do it now?

Do you have a problem with it?

I'm divorced and my ex is still alive so I don't date. He is still the last man I kissed back in 2001.

 

[Daphne Leighton]

dating is perfectly fine as long as you love God more and do not have sex until a binding contract is made, commit to and promise faithfullness to that person.

 

[Anthony2019]

No problem with dating. I know many people that do it and through it have found true love.

It's not for me though. I'm not interested in finding a partner. I'm much happier having close platonic friendships with wonderful people who have enriched my life in so many ways.

 

[bèlla]

I have no problem dating. I’m looking outside of religious settings for prospects.

 

[Anguspure]

I have no problem dating. I’m looking outside of religious settings for prospects.

Your observations are interesting. I have been burnt because of differing ideaology in marriage and so would advise strongly against it, and yet I am also coming to understand the problems associated with finding a partner within the Christian community.
A number of guys I know remain lonely and single because they do not wish to be unequally yoked and yet the prospects of them ever finding a wife in the Christian community demand nothing short of a direct miracle.

 

[bèlla]

A number of guys I know remain lonely and single because they do not wish to be unequally yoked and yet the prospects of them ever finding a wife in the Christian community demand nothing short of a direct miracle.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with considering someone at church. But if that’s your lone avenue for meeting someone its very limiting.

Casting a wider net may include social activities, classes, cultural events, online dating communities, and so on. I have an active life. While I am open to marriage I’m content and at peace with my singleness.

In my opinion, loneliness is directly related to ones mental state and lifestyle rather than the absence of a companion. No one can fill that void and its evident to a prospect and may impede ones chances.

I look for men with vibrant lives whose heart for God and purpose complements my own. Marriage is part of the pie. Not the whole kahuna. That is the perspective I’m seeking.

Many believe marriage will resolve their loneliness and sexual frustration. That is their primary aim in seeking a partner. They’re focused on the earthly spoil and have no comprehension of the holy assignment they’ve undertaken.

Things of God (if borne from Him) are always purposeful. My primary consideration is how the union will enable us to fulfill our purpose and benefit the kingdom for His glory. If I can ascertain the mission and we’re in agreement about its pursuit He will handle the rest.

 

[Paidiske]

I think there are different kinds of loneliness. Having a spouse goes a long way against insulating against many of them, but I don't think it's the be all and end all either. So often loneliness is just wanting to be heard and understood by someone who "gets" it (whatever "it" is at that point).