Dating

[lucybee]

When did you feel comfortable dating again? Because I'm not. People keep trying to set me up and I am just uncomfortable with the idea.

Not too long ago, my friend kept trying to set me up with a guy that was hanging out at her house. She kept pushing him towards me. Besides the fact that I was not interested in him, she coudnt understand why I was scared. I told her that I was scared and I didnt want to get hurt again. She then told me basically that bad things happen and to get over it. She reminded me that I was not totally innocent when it happened.

Now I'm not here to debate wether I'm to blame or not. I know that some of my actions that lead up to the rape were bad, and that I was at fault for giving the guy ideas in the first place. But since I can recognize that I was partly at fault in some of what happened before I was raped, dont I have a right to be more weary in dating.

Am I wrong to feel scared, I know that I wont act that way again since I know what can happen. But dont I get a right to be cautious and not want to get back out there.

So basically after all that, when did you know that you were comfortable to date again, if you have? Was there a moment when you said I'm ok and I can do this or was there someone that just made you feel comfortable? Because the way I feel right now (even if I was partly at fault) I dont ever want to get close to another guy.

 

[goldenviolet]

not being ready for dating is very healthy. it gives you time to recover from your hurts, and gives you time to just socialize. fears etc... all normal. you will know in time if your healling needs to progress. for now... chalk up how you feel to prudence. you are trying to be wise about yourself. you want to protect yourself and you want space. very mature. i'm sorry you feel pressure. that's no fun... and probly taxing on your relationship? take a break from her if you need. it sounds like her judgement isn't helpful to you.

on another note... there are very kind men in this world.
you will know them by their Godly traits. and they will be comfy to be yourself around. i think we need not to date to get to know the qualities about men that are good and not. do you look at men's trait and try to evaluate weathere you like theses traits or not? (my guess is, if you do, you aren't afraid of men, just wanting to be careful)

 

[beautifully_chaotic]

its hard to know when your ready again, but before you even consider dating you have to get your confidence back, my situation wasn't really the same as yours, (i was sexually abused by my stepfather over a long time period) but i can understand your feelings of fear.

The way i got over my fear was to become freinds with a group of people, (they where christians) it was a mixed gender group, we just hung out and talked and had fun, and over the next couple of months i became relaxed and started to feel safe around them,

which i think is the most important thing, to feel safe again, it was also good because there where no exectations about how the relationships should unfold........ anyway thats just what worked for me

 

[FlyingDove2005]

I'm kind of concerned about why you feel this was partly your fault! Because you didn't say ' Hey, i want to be raped today!"

I'm not ready to date, yet I think I'm really falling for someone who has liked me for a long time, and I've told him friendship only one month before I told him what happened to me (all in the last 6 months) and he's always been such a supportive friend. He's not the 'playa' type, and at the moment we enjoy each other's company. I don't think I can ever feel comfortable with 'making out' and being close the way I used to be with other guys (past boyfriends) but as I've noticed thus far - only time will appropriately and gradually tell.

 

[beautifully_chaotic]

thats what happened with me, one of the guys in the group was a really good freind of mine from school, and when i told him he was so accepting and didn't treat me like some freak, slowly our feelings grew and so taking things really slowly we started dating.......... and a year and a half later he proposed to me and i accepted! (that was about 3 months ago!)

 

[Psalmangel]

When did you feel comfortable dating again? Because I'm not. People keep trying to set me up and I am just uncomfortable with the idea.

Not too long ago, my friend kept trying to set me up with a guy that was hanging out at her house. She kept pushing him towards me. Besides the fact that I was not interested in him, she coudnt understand why I was scared. I told her that I was scared and I didnt want to get hurt again. She then told me basically that bad things happen and to get over it. She reminded me that I was not totally innocent when it happened.

Now I'm not here to debate wether I'm to blame or not. I know that some of my actions that lead up to the rape were bad, and that I was at fault for giving the guy ideas in the first place. But since I can recognize that I was partly at fault in some of what happened before I was raped, dont I have a right to be more weary in dating.

Am I wrong to feel scared, I know that I wont act that way again since I know what can happen. But dont I get a right to be cautious and not want to get back out there.

So basically after all that, when did you know that you were comfortable to date again, if you have? Was there a moment when you said I'm ok and I can do this or was there someone that just made you feel comfortable? Because the way I feel right now (even if I was partly at fault) I dont ever want to get close to another guy.

You don't have to date anyone if you don't have to or date a Christian... and ask him how devoted to God he is. Like Paul said, it is better to be single than to have so much worry about. If you date, you may burn with passion, if you marry you'll have a lot of work in pleasing your spouse while still pleasing the Lord (which isn't always easy). You go to twice the tribulation than when your single and not many of us were meant for that much trouble. On the other hand, if you do date, try to get to know that person and ask him how devoted he is to God... then you can make your move... I trust you'll make the right move. Be careful.

 

[biffy]

It's ok i've just started dating for the first time ever...i've been scared as long as i can remember but i have the support of a councellor because i'm still scared at times...it's soooo important to remember though that everyone is unique and different therefore not all guys are the same and most guys would never even contemplated raping a girl ever!!!!!!

Secondly the rape was not at all your fault...i don't care what your reasoning on it is a girl does not asked to be raped ever!!! It is a violent act and it is completely the behavoiur of the rapist NOT the victim....you did nothing to deserve that at all!!!

You'll be ok take your time you are only 21...look after yourself and enjoy life and developing a relationship with God....I'm 26 (as you can see) by the time you are my age i'm sure you will look back be grateful for taking your time with this and finding the right guy that loves and respects you You are doing great!!!

 

[CollectiveSoul]

My flashbacks and distrust were always there but I went the exact opposite direction.In other words,using sex. I was a child when my attack took place so I haven't dealt with the dating fear but it still took hold of me in every relationship I chose to be "in". I never was "in" but rather looking in. It doesn't make sense I know.It just is.