Dating someone who already has children

[Sonnet]

I was just wondering whether you would date someone who already has children from a previous relationship?

There is a guy at church who I have been getting to know and spending some time with, although he has two young children from a relationship he was in a few years ago. That relationship is definitely over - so that isn't a problem for me.

I guess I just always thought that when I am with someone, our children will be our first. Not that I would rule it out definitely, but it makes me feel a little sad that he has already been through it all and has two lovely children.

Would others date someone with children? Am I just being silly?

 

[Dark Winter]

I think it might be a bit lonesome to the excitement of new children. I would wonder if he wants to have more children. I would wonder if I could treat both his children and our later children as equals.

I would also wonder who came first in his eyes. me or his children? would I take part in raising his children or would I be an outsider to that relationship. What if I don't agree with how he treats his children? What if he puts more responsibility on me to raise his children?

I have dated women with children. But I'm just not really in a place to have an instant family with all the limitations on our relationship.

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[Messy]

A friend of me married a guy who already had a kid and she just loved his kid. But it was just one kid and she lives with her mother and he sees her once every two weeks a weekend, so they both got 3 other kids and they just have a good family. I've got 3 kids who I see 50/50, I Always have to live near my ex, if he moves, I have to move, I remarried, but that was not such a good idea. Turned out he couldn't stand kids, funny guy, so I was always on my own with them and he did his thing. I just settled for staying alone, you can read here on cf what stepparents say about it.

 

[High Fidelity]

I very nearly ended up with a woman that had children from a previous relationship, but I think it would be difficult.

 

[aaronkt]

I would not. I would not want the children to think I'm replacing their parent.

 

[Purge187]

I don't want children of my own, far less be a surrogate father to kids that aren't.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

I was just wondering whether you would date someone who already has children from a previous relationship?

There is a guy at church who I have been getting to know and spending some time with, although he has two young children from a relationship he was in a few years ago. That relationship is definitely over - so that isn't a problem for me.

I guess I just always thought that when I am with someone, our children will be our first. Not that I would rule it out definitely, but it makes me feel a little sad that he has already been through it all and has two lovely children.

Would others date someone with children? Am I just being silly?

It wouldn't be for me personally.

However, having said that, I can't judge whether it would be right or wrong for you to begin a relationship with this man. I really have very little to go on about your own feelings towards him (and his children) or his feelings for you in return, and on top of that, his overall character. Do you know the reasons behind his past failed marriage (I'm assuming you're saying he was married and not simply in a relationship)? This is definitely something to be concerned about. It wouldn't be wise to go, "Oh, he's divorced. Well then, I guess I'm in the clear."

And as for the kiddos...can you bring yourself to love them as your own? This is extremely important. Children need both parents, so if you choose to marry this man, you must be more than just...'Dad's new wife who is friendly to us', but rather 'mother'.

These are very important, serious things to consider. Not that I'm saying you haven't considered them, but I'm just pointing them out anyway. These are some of the reasons that turn me off from considering such a marriage myself. I would be praying and fasting very hard on this one if I were you.

 

[nick garai]

I have no problems with it. I already have two children from a previous relationship so it wouldn't be an issue if a woman had some children already.

 

[Saucy]

I personally would want to be in a relationship/marriage where I spent some time with my spouse and getting into our marital groove before having kids. It can be quite a stress on any marriage to immediately get into having kids, then you never really had time for yourselves to grow together.

Likewise, getting into a relationship where there are children already in the picture would be extremely difficult. Not impossible, but difficult.

 

[Cute Tink]

I have been there and I would consider doing that again. I would be a bit of a hypocrite (I think) if I refused to date someone who had kids seeing as I do, but that's beside the point.

It can be very difficult and rewarding as well.

 

[Gnarwhal]

This is a difficult issue to consider, I think the answer can vary from person-to-person. Firstly, I'd have to feel comfortable around their kid(s), which is hard for me to imagine that being a reality at this point because I'm horrified of children. Another thing to consider is what kind of parent they are, if I think they're being a solid parent to their kids and I can relate to their parenting style, then yes perhaps. If I think they need to focus on their parenting more then I'd probably say no, or not yet.

 

[sparkydave]

Good question. My pastor has been trying to fix me up with the single mom who sits behind me in church. Not opposed to the idea, she just seems a little quiet. My dad is actually my older sister's step dad; she was 6 when my mom, who was widowed, married him and I came along a year later. Didn't realize this for the longest time growing up, she called him "dad", and I don't recall any "You're not my real dad" arguments. I was about 12 years old when it finally clicked one day that the girl in my parents' wedding photo was my sister, which made perfect sense, considering she was born in 1967 and mom and dad were married in 1973. Guess it was more shocking to me that somehow I didn't figure this out earlier, even though I knew mom was married once before.

While my family's experience may not always be typical, I think if my dad married a single mom, then I shouldn't dismiss the idea. Besides, I'm 39 already and I think odds are high that a significant other may come with children.

 

[Miles]

If we're otherwise incredibly well matched, then it's not necessarily a deal-breaker, but that seems unlikely. I don't think we'd have much in common. Our social circles aren't as likely to overlap, there would be potential drama with her ex, and I'm looking forward to alone time together as newlyweds before we decide to have kids. Never say never, but single moms rarely appear on my dating radar.

 

[Neve]

I would prefer someone without kids, but it is not a dealbreaker. I do realize that finding a childless eligible male becomes less likely as I age (particularly if I am still single in my 30s) so I must be open about these types of situations.

 

[Sonnet]

Yeah, I guess it's not a deal breaker. I don't think I would say no flat out, but I don't think I would be comfortable around them. Children are difficult enough for me as it is.

Guess, I'll just have to see.

 

[Gnarwhal]

I would prefer someone without kids, but it is not a dealbreaker. I do realize that finding a childless eligible male becomes less likely as I age (particularly if I am still single in my 30s) so I must be open about these types of situations.

This is something I've thought about, as I get older the likelihood that I'll meet a girl who has kids becomes greater.

 

[dogs4thewin]

Depends on the age of the children. For various reasons for my health disablities and the safety of myself and the children I do not do children under eight or so. I do not feel I could properly care for them and they would not understand my limitations.

When my dad's sister married my uncle he already had a 10 or 11 year old daughter. Aunt G was in her 40s and thus too old to safely have children so she has no children of her own, but treated that step-daughter just as she treated any of us or would have treated her own children. It takes a special person and it is not for everyone.

What Aunt G did was told S that she was fine with her calling her by her first name instead of mom because aunt G knew she was not her mother and she would never try to be.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I can really admire people who are willing to date and marry somebody who already has children, and who step up to being a parent in that child's life, and caring for them as if they were their own.

I can see how you might feel like you are "missing out" in a way, because they already went through all of that (marriage, sex, pregnancy, birth etc) and you don't get to share that "first time" with them. But I think ultimately, things like that don't matter as much as people make them out to, or as much as they might seem on the surface. What matters is the relationship you have with that person in the here and now. You will have your own "first times" as a couple. Even if he has technically already experienced those things before, it's going to be different for him experiencing them with you.

 

[Gnarwhal]

I can really admire people who are willing to date and marry somebody who already has children, and who step up to being a parent in that child's life, and caring for them as if they were their own.

I can see how you might feel like you are "missing out" in a way, because they already went through all of that (marriage, sex, pregnancy, birth etc) and you don't get to share that "first time" with them. But I think ultimately, things like that don't matter as much as people make them out to, or as much as they might seem on the surface. What matters is the relationship you have with that person in the here and now. You will have your own "first times" as a couple. Even if he has technically already experienced those things before, it's going to be different for him experiencing them with you.

This is a very good point. I've seen what kind of strain it puts on a relationship when the couple hasn't experienced those things together, but instead one of them has from a prior relationship. You're right though, despite the fact that those are major milestones in life, the couple can always cherish all of the other ones they experience together.

My dad had a seven-year-old daughter when he met my mom in 1979, granted, she spent most of her time with her mom a couple thousand miles away in Alaska. My parents managed just fine.

 

[Owlette]

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