dating marriage and attraction

[scotslad83]

Hi guys. I posted a question a few months back on the singles forum about whether I should consider dating and ultimately (if things went well) marrying a girl I'm not attracted to. I took a bit of stick for the question at the time but I've since asked the question to a few Christian girls I know and they all tell me that for Christians attraction really ought not to be a factor in relationships. I find that tough as for me it still feels like a factor, not least because of what biblicaly speaking you ought to do with your spouse. What's more the scriptures actually say that me and my future wife should enjoy thoings. I'm not meaning I only want to marry a supermodel but more asking if I should find her attractive at least in my eyes?
What are your thoughts?

 

[citizenthom]

Song of Solomon. That's what your feelings for someone should look like before you marry her. Physical attraction is important in marriage; that burning passion is what fuels a healthy sex life. Marrying someone you do not burn for is a crime against both her and yourself.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree completely.

You're just asking for long term problems pursuing a path marrying someone you're not attracted to.

 

[Romanseight2005]

EZ, it's nice to see you!

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

As I said in my rep comment in singles, marry someone you're attracted to and who is attracted to you, as well.

 

[DZoolander]

Romans - Good to see you too! Been a long time!

A lot has changed since I was last here. My DW and I had a beautiful daughter a few months ago!

 

[Romanseight2005]

Romans - Good to see you too! Been a long time!

A lot has changed since I was last here. My DW and I had a beautiful daughter a few months ago!

How awesome! Congratulations!!

 

[Fran75]

There is only one person in your life that need to find physically attractive and that is someone you are dating or married to. The desire for the opposite sex has obviously gotten mankind into alot of trouble, it started in Gensis, but it is vital to to the human race, it leads to marriage and procreation. If I found out a man I was dating did not find me attractive but continued to date me I would be furious. You owe it to yourself and this person to be honest with your feelings, doing so may prevent you or this lady from finding a person who would be a compatible spouse. Marriage should be seen as blessing not a duty, although some days it will feel like that, but if you don't at least enter it with romantic notions than you sabotaging it from the start.

 

[Created2Write]

My husband has told me often that he could never have married an ugly girl. It's not that he wanted a supermodel either, but he wanted a girl who was healthy, athletic, and someone he had a drawing and attraction to. I always felt the same way. I didn't care if anyone else though the guy was hot, I just knew that whomever I chose had to be good looking in my eyes. And he is.

Attraction is incredibly important. Love is important as well, and so are many other things, but you will have issues in marriage if you're not attracted to your spouse.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Hi guys. I posted a question a few months back on the singles forum about whether I should consider dating and ultimately (if things went well) marrying a girl I'm not attracted to. I took a bit of stick for the question at the time but I've since asked the question to a few Christian girls I know and they all tell me that for Christians attraction really ought not to be a factor in relationships. I find that tough as for me it still feels like a factor, not least because of what biblicaly speaking you ought to do with your spouse. What's more the scriptures actually say that me and my future wife should enjoy thoings. I'm not meaning I only want to marry a supermodel but more asking if I should find her attractive at least in my eyes?
What are your thoughts?

Attraction should absolutely be a factor - there's a reason God created us the way He did, and to suggest that we should marry someone we're not attracted to is to suggest, IMO, that we should completely disregard the fact that even if we're not attracted to someone, there will absolutely be someone who is attracted to that person, so if we marry someone we're not attracted to, it's kind of screwing that person out of the chance to marry someone who IS attracted to them for who they are and how they look. There's a reason why we all have different tastes.

 

[Created2Write]

Great post Phantom. I agree.

 

[scotslad83]

thanks for you responses guys, not been on for a few weeks. So the consensus is I ought to find my wife attractive and vice versa. I do hope one day to find someone who finds me attractive enough to show an interest in me. In the meantime I guess I just have to wait...

 

[Romanseight2005]

Scots, I am going to throw a different angle at you. Instead of asking IF you should be attracted to your wife, why don't you ask God to help you to be attracted to His choice for you? I beleive that how we see beauty, or what we find attractive, has a lot more to do with the state of our hearts, than it does to anything else. Does that make sense?

 

[If Not For Grace]

What is she coyote ugly?

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder; & if you think she's that bad-why are you even bothering to ask, you must be attracted to her on some level.

Take a look at a Supermodel (Patti Hansen & her husband 0f 28 Years) Keith Richards (Rolling Stone)

 

[scotslad83]

Scots, I am going to throw a different angle at you. Instead of asking IF you should be attracted to your wife, why don't you ask God to help you to be attracted to His choice for you? I beleive that how we see beauty, or what we find attractive, has a lot more to do with the state of our hearts, than it does to anything else. Does that make sense?

that's an interesting point you make. You think God can do that then? (I know He can do all things, but you know what I mean?). I'll tell you why the question is there if you like. I'm like a monk when it comes to girls. Nobody shows me the slightest interest. There was one girl at my church who I really liked, the sister of one of my friends. I liked her for years but could never really build up a friendship of any sort there. I prayed about it. And nothing really happened, I still liked her but felt like God was saying to lay this on the alter so to speak. So I did then the weird thing was suddenly she started to show an interest in me. I prayed about that cos I wasn't sure if I was allowed to pursue her but felt that there was no sense that it was wrong to so we got pretty good friends and so I decided to tell her how I felt about her. She knocked me back but kinda ambiguously, like, I'm not in the right place just now, but let's stay good friends. I thought that meant I don't want to see or go near you again but in truth we did stay good friends until she kinda shut me out. I prayed a lot about this and kept getting scriptures about waiting. Now obviously I don't know if that's waiting for her or someone else or whatever. Of late she's been a bit better with me but nothing like how things were before.
I'm not a young guy anymore and I realise that my chances of finding a wife are now very slim. That's really got me down as I don't really have any close friends either so I'm very lonely.
My mum, trying to be helpful told me that she thought one of the single girls in our church likes me. I thought about it, tried to like that girl, tried to find her attractive but I just couldn't but well I'm now wondering if I just go with what I can get (I really don't mean that to sound so offensive, I don't know how else to say it?). I know I'm not a good looking guy, I have an ok job but skilled manual with good pay rather than a professional career or something. I'm not a very charismatic person and not a key figure in church or whatever. There's really no reason girls would think I'n a catch so I'm really wondering if I should just try to return that girls affection since nobody has or is likely to show an interest in me? does that make sense?

 

[BeanMak]

You would be selling both of yourselves short.
On the other hand there is nothing wrong with becoming friends. Who know where that could lead. BUT if you don't "fall" for her, don't pretend you do. If you wish to marry for other than love and attraction, make sure you spell that out up front. Who knows, there may be someone out there that would go for that.

 

[scotslad83]

You would be selling both of yourselves short.
On the other hand there is nothing wrong with becoming friends. Who know where that could lead. BUT if you don't "fall" for her, don't pretend you do. If you wish to marry for other than love and attraction, make sure you spell that out up front. Who knows, there may be someone out there that would go for that.

In truth I'd love to marry for love and attraction but that's just not how life has been for me. Other than what I've said above I don't know why I'm so very unattractive to women (I mean in a whole sense not just looks). I just wonder whether I give that up as a romantic notion and take a pragmatic approach.

 

[Johnnz]

Attraction is important. But we must beware of the false images we get imprinted upon us from our society. Firstly, a good marriage is a relationship between two people, not merely two bodies. Who a person really is will be manifested over and above just physical characteristics.

Neither the quality of relationship or long term sexual satisfaction depend on how cute a person looks, leg length, breast size, etc. Age will affect even the most beautuful body. Whatever the body shape, two people finding each other special as people with common interests, values, and ability to share oneself will discover deep emotional and sexual bonding over many years together. Whatever their body shapes they will delight in giving and receiving sexual pleasure and intimacy through the body each has.

Learn to look at more than body shape and build some values around that emphasis.

John
NZ

 

[DZoolander]

No offense, but it's that type of advice that leads people into problems and unhappy marriages.

It's not an either/or choice. "Either I find someone that I find physically appealing, or I find someone that I find appealing in character". A person you find physically appealing with repugnant character is just as bad of a choice of a mate as someone that you find appealing in character, but find physically repugnant.

There's a word for people that you like, but don't find attractive. That's called a "friend". A spouse, however, has to embody both.

The problem doesn't lie so much in the idea that people expect perfection. Rarely does anyone ever come along asking these types of questions if the individual they're talking about still falls within the "cute" range. I don't think anyone is walking around going "I want to find physical perfection." Normally when someone asks this question, it's because they're *NOT* attracted to the other person - but they like who they are.

For that - I think you should keep them as a friend - and hold out for someone that embodies both for you. You'll end up happier in the long run.

I also think it's bad to tell people "looks fade - bodies age", etc. Of course they do. But - why burden yourself with something before it's normal time? Heck - eventually everyone loses their ability to engage in vigorous activity. Eventually everyone dies. Why then hold it against someone if they're a 3 pack a day smoker and at age 40 can't play with the kids anymore? Why worry about them getting lung cancer and dying prematurely?

There's a natural order to things. Physical ailments do come. People grow old. Organs fail. But why accept those things prematurely - especially if those things are a consequence of choices you see the other person making? I want a woman with a 60 year old's body...when I'm 60...not when I'm 30.

No. I agree with you that the physical should not take precedence over character... But - IMHO - character in lieu of attraction for a spouse is just as bad of a mistake.

 

[DZoolander]

In truth I'd love to marry for love and attraction but that's just not how life has been for me. Other than what I've said above I don't know why I'm so very unattractive to women (I mean in a whole sense not just looks). I just wonder whether I give that up as a romantic notion and take a pragmatic approach.

Well, first going back to what you were saying before, 28 is by no stretch of the imagination "too old" to find a decent mate.

Next - to this point (about being so very unattractive to women) - attraction is pretty simple. How's your hygiene? How do you dress? Do you keep yourself physically fit? Do you smile? Do you take pride in what God gave you and present it nicely? Can you provide a decent living if you were to get married?