dating marriage and attraction

[GQ Chris]

I think you should at least be somewhat attracted to the person that is a prospective marriage partner to you.

 

[Inkachu]

GQ!!! What is UP, bro?? Way to make a comeback, with a crusty, musty old thread


And I never posted in this thread before, so...

I think that if you trust God to be your match-maker, He'll make sure your significant other is beautiful to you. I think we have to be very careful that our standards or expectations of another person's physical appearance don't come from a place of lust, shallowness, or what we think will impress the world (ie, "arm candy"). We need to love the person beneath the exterior so much more than the exterior itself, which will only age and change in lots of ways through the years. If your passion for your spouse revolves around how "hot" they are, then if - God forbid - they wind up with cancer or get into a bad car accident or some other circumstance ravages their physical body, your entire relationship will be on shaky ground.

All that being said, I prayed that God would bring me someone who found me inexplicably, insanely, crazily beautiful. Not because I think I'm beautiful (I don't), and not because I care if any other person on earth ever thinks I'm beautiful (I don't). But I want my husband to always look at me with an adoring, smitten sparkle in his eyes, whether I'm 35 or 85. And that's what He did I don't think I'm attractive to anyone except my husband, and that's fine with me, because his opinion is all I care about. He doesn't look at me like some lusty little sex object, but as a beautiful woman inside, outside, and every other side (lol).

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Hi GQ welcome back

 

[GQ Chris]

Thanks Mrs.Luther, I'm glad that you and your family are doing well.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

whether I should consider dating and ultimately (if things went well) marrying a girl I'm not attracted to....they all tell me that for Christians attraction really ought not to be a factor in relationships.

They are wrong. Its a critical factor. Sure it wont matter in 10 years but by then you'll have a mature bond with your spouse. Starting out you need chemistry or your relationship will sour. Beauty is different to each individual. Some are attracted to a beautiful face, some to a particular body shape, some to certain expressions and behaviours, some to the person inside. Whatever constitutes "beauty" for you is what you should be looking for. What "ought to be a factor" is meaningless. What is a factor - admirable or not - is reality.

 

[russianorth]

As another unattractive male I get what the OP is saying. How long does someone wait and deal with continual rejection? To live without physical intimacy that other more attractive people typically get to experience much sooner in life (unless they decide to wait because they are HIGHLY picky). There is HUGE difference between volentary and involentary celibacy. One can be ended at any time the other can not.

OP you are not doing the woman a dis-service, she likely does not have any other prospects either, why not go out and see what happens. You have alot of catching up to do with the attractive people who got married at 20 and have been having great sex for the last decade while you were being rejected.

Try to find the most attractive woman you can who is also attracted to you and run with it.

 

[Inkachu]

There's no such thing as "involuntary celibacy" due to being unattractive. That's what prostitutes are for. Is that a savory route to take? No, it isn't. But to act as though sex is completely unavailable to an unattractive person, is not really true.

Russianorth, all I ever see you post about is lowering your standards so that you can "catch up" with people who've been having more sex than you have. You seem obsessed with the (false) idea that everyone is having rampant, wild sex 24 hours a day.

You are also not legally married, yet you post in the Married area.

Your icons are not of the Christian faith, yet you post in areas reserved for Christians.

Should we start calling "troll" or what?

 

[russianorth]

There's no such thing as "involuntary celibacy" due to being unattractive. That's what prostitutes are for. Is that a savory route to take? No, it isn't. But to act as though sex is completely unavailable to an unattractive person, is not really true.

Russianorth, all I ever see you post about is lowering your standards so that you can "catch up" with people who've been having more sex than you have. You seem obsessed with the (false) idea that everyone is having rampant, wild sex 24 hours a day.

You are also not legally married, yet you post in the Married area.

Your icons are not of the Christian faith, yet you post in areas reserved for Christians.

Should we start calling "troll" or what?

I put seeker because I was looking for a new church home in the Russian orthodox but I am not official Russian orthodox so they suggested seeker. I have been burned by churches in the past pushing legal marriage to the point that it was unhealthy. I am Christian but its complicated.

I am in a commited long term relationship but not legally married. Also if people don't want me here I wont post anymore, you don't need to use a technicality to have me removed because you dislike my opinion, trust me I have seen that enough in real life and know when to walk away.

Prostitutes are expensive and illegal, they are often times so expensive that its not a sustainable avenue to have regular sex. The only other alternative is to lower ones standards. If people don't like hearing cold hard truths then I can also stop posting.

 

[Odetta]

Woah, prostitution? The only sexual relationship with a prostitute sanctioned by God in the bible, I think, was Hosea and his harlot, and that was really a picture of God's faithfulness to his chosen people, who were not at all faithful back.

If a person is wanting to get married simply to have sex, then choosing a spouse one is not attracted to kind of defeats the purpose, don't you think?

 

[russianorth]

Woah, prostitution? The only sexual relationship with a prostitute sanctioned by God in the bible, I think, was Hosea and his harlot, and that was really a picture of God's faithfulness to his chosen people, who were not at all faithful back.

If a person is wanting to get married simply to have sex, then choosing a spouse one is not attracted to kind of defeats the purpose, don't you think?

No it doesn't (unless they are so unattractive you cant perform). If the women you want don't want you and its resulting in sex not being had for periods of time (each individual has there own tolerances for when enough is enough) and you don't want to go the prostitution route then lowering your standards is the only leveraging way to get a woman that likes you enough to want to be sexual with you.

Sure there are other things you can do, jog more, get a hair cut whatever but those things have a statistically insignificant amount of leverage compared to simply lowering your standards (unless you got over 100 grand in plastic surgery, that's really the only way to put yourself in a new class of dating or if your 100lbs over weight and loose it all but even then if a woman is cute she is cute weight or not but that much weight would provide some leverage)

In reality its not really a "lowering of standards" but a right sizing of standards. If I am having to "lower my standards" then that means that im probably not all that myself.

So I am not sure if im allowed to post here even though its a singles portion about marriage, im not single but im not "married" either so I am still not sure about this sub section.

 

[DianePerez]

I think dating is very important for a person before marriage because by a single or more dating one can know many things about his partner. Attraction is not the reason for one to which we can merry, If attract from anyone who looks nice, behaves nice and having excellent personality.

 

[DZoolander]

Hi guys. I posted a question a few months back on the singles forum about whether I should consider dating and ultimately (if things went well) marrying a girl I'm not attracted to. I took a bit of stick for the question at the time but I've since asked the question to a few Christian girls I know and they all tell me that for Christians attraction really ought not to be a factor in relationships. I find that tough as for me it still feels like a factor, not least because of what biblicaly speaking you ought to do with your spouse. What's more the scriptures actually say that me and my future wife should enjoy thoings. I'm not meaning I only want to marry a supermodel but more asking if I should find her attractive at least in my eyes?
What are your thoughts?

Haven't bothered reading anyone else's comments, and don't think I need to.

If you marry someone you're not attracted to, you're in for trouble.

 

[GQ Chris]

Did the OP have the same inspiration as Jimmy Soul?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk3JbTjArUk

 

[GQ Chris]

here's the lyrics:

A #1 HIT IN 1963. " Jimmy Soul (August 24, 1942 - June 25, 1988), born James McCleese in Weldon, North Carolina, was a vocalist.

He performed gospel as a teenager, later scouted by Frank Guida and recruited to sing songs handpicked for one of Guida's other hit artists, Gary U.S. Bonds. Soul only ever had two chart hits, both which were Bond's cast-offs, "Twistin' Matilda", in 1962, and the Billboard Hot 100 number one hit "If You Wanna Be Happy" (based on the calypso, "Ugly Woman", by Roaring Lion) in 1963.

After unsuccessfully trying to follow up the success of those songs with one more album, he gave up his career as a musician and joined the United States Army.

He died of a heart attack in 1988." ( Last.fm )

LYRICS: (Hey, yeah. C'mon.)

Backup:
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Jimmy & Backup:
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Jimmy:
A pretty woman makes her husband look small.
And very often causes his downfall. (Hey!)
As soon as he marries her, then she starts,
To do the things that will break his heart.

But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You'll be happy for the rest of your life.
An ug-a-ly woman cooks your meals on time,
An she'll always give you peace of mind.

Jimmy & Backup:
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Instrumental break with vocalizations.

Jimmy:
Don't let your friends say you have no taste,
Go ahead and marry anyway. (Hey!)
Though her face is ugly, her eyes don't match,
Take it from me, she's a better catch.

Jimmy & Backup:
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Man #1: Say, man.
Man #2: Say, baby.
Man #1: I saw your wife the other day.jMan #2: Yeah?
Man #1: Yeah, and she's UGLEEE!
Man #2: Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook, baby.
Man #1: Yeah, alright.

Jimmy & Backup:
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Jimmy & (Backup):
(If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Never make a pretty woman your wife.)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah yeah-yeah.
(So from my personal point of view,)
(Get an ugly girl to marry you.)

(If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Never make a pretty woman your wife.)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(So from my personal point of view,)
(Get an ugly girl to marry you.)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fade.
(If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Never make a pretty woman your wife.)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(So from my personal point of view...)

 

[JojotheBeloved]

I just realized that I accidently put my opinion in a "married only" section of posting. Sorry. I retract the post voluntarily until at which time I become married.

 

[GQ Chris]

If you marry someone you are not attracted to you're being dishonest; also keep in mind that this is the person for whom you're supposedly to have sexual relations with. If you marry someone you're not into physically, how's that going to work out?


"Hey baby, despite the fact that I think you're a real barker, let's get hitched". Yeah I dunno about that.

 

[Inkachu]

Marry someone that YOU find beautiful, outside AND inside. Do NOT marry someone that you think will simply be a great sex partner or make your friends jealous with their hot/sexy factor. That's not what marriage is for. Marriage is a "long business" as they say. You'll be getting old and wrinkly together. There will be illness, financial strains, children, all kinds of things you'll have to get through side by side, and trust me, when the bank account is empty and the kids all have the flu, you won't be thinking about how great your husbands' abs are.

 

[LinkH]

Hi guys. I posted a question a few months back on the singles forum about whether I should consider dating and ultimately (if things went well) marrying a girl I'm not attracted to. I took a bit of stick for the question at the time but I've since asked the question to a few Christian girls I know and they all tell me that for Christians attraction really ought not to be a factor in relationships.

If you asked some more attractive Christian girls (or girls who considered themselves attractive), you might get a different opinion.

You could also ask if one of them if they would want to marry a man who found them unattractive physically, but held his nose to marry to marry her because she was such a good Christian. Make sure you describe this as hypothetical. Maybe 'married you' might not be the best situation to describe. Ask it about some hypothetical third person.

When the Bible introduces us to Rebecca, it tells us that she was beautiful and a virgin. Apparently, these are desirable traits in a wife. The Song of Solomon spends many pages on how attractive the pair find each other. God allowed Israelite men to marry captive virgin females from other lands not in their own land, not from among the seven nations with whom they were forbidden to marry. It says if a man finds among the captives a beautiful woman he can marry her. And of course Adam found Eve to be attractive, because he saw her and said, "Woah, man!" (That's a joke.) I certainly see where the Bible allows for attraction having a role in who we marry.

The good thing is men are attracted to different types of women and vice versa. I hear there is some research that shows that men who have fatter mothers marry fatter women. They might agree with the guys in the locker room in high school that the model-looking woman is attractive, but they also care for the heftier girl. My guess is the same goes for women. Otherwise, hefty people wouldn't get married. Sometimes they get hefty after marriage, but plenty of large folks marry, too.

And I noticed back when I was in high school, there are women I'd find attractive that other boys might not find as attractive as I did. Well, maybe once or twice. I'll hear men say such and such an actress is so pretty and for me, I think the person looks kind of average. Plenty of people find Drew Berrymore to be really pretty. I just don't see it. But I'm not married to Drew Berrymore, so it's not an issue.

So what I'm saying is it's 'fair' in a way for people to marry those they are attracted to. If we all liked the same type, certain people may never get married. And some people aren't really into looks that much for their choice of spouse. I think women are more that way than men. A woman might be attracted to a man she might not have noticed before if he fixed her car, or created something out of wood, or deadlifted a huge amount of weight, or fought off an attacker, or repelled down a cliff, or demonstrated that he had a world-class singing voice. I think this sort of stuff effects women more, but men might suddenly be attracted to a woman if she had some sort of ability or characteristic beyond her looks, like an ability to bake cakes or an interest in a sport the man likes.

If you want a wife that's easy on the eyes, go for it. Just don't compromise on her being a Christian or being a woman of character. I wanted it all. I married a beautiful virgin who loves Jesus, with similar a similar church background (though she's from Indonesia), and even functions in spiritual gifts I find appealing.


I find that tough as for me it still feels like a factor, not least because of what biblicaly speaking you ought to do with your spouse. What's more the scriptures actually say that me and my future wife should enjoy thoings. I'm not meaning I only want to marry a supermodel but more asking if I should find her attractive at least in my eyes?
What are your thoughts?[/QUOTE]

 

[Annessa3]

"The good thing is men are attracted to different types of women and vice versa. I hear there is some research that shows that men who have fatter mothers marry fatter women. They might agree with the guys in the locker room in high school that the model-looking woman is attractive, but they also care for the heftier girl. My guess is the same goes for women. Otherwise, hefty people wouldn't get married. Sometimes they get hefty after marriage, but plenty of large folks marry, too. "

Even people who parade their Christianity while being unloving get married.

 

[LinkH]

here's the lyrics:

A #1 HIT IN 1963. " Jimmy Soul (August 24, 1942 - June 25, 1988), born James McCleese in Weldon, North Carolina, was a vocalist.

He performed gospel as a teenager, later scouted by Frank Guida and recruited to sing songs handpicked for one of Guida's other hit artists, Gary U.S. Bonds. Soul only ever had two chart hits, both which were Bond's cast-offs, "Twistin' Matilda", in 1962, and the Billboard Hot 100 number one hit "If You Wanna Be Happy" (based on the calypso, "Ugly Woman", by Roaring Lion) in 1963.

That song kept coming to mind when I read the thread yesterday, too.

ask an ugly girl to marry you - Bing Videos