Long read, be advised.
I met a girl in February of this year, and I was convicted pretty quickly (within about a week) that this woman would be my future wife. We have been officially dating for several months now, but we had been talking about the Christian roles of man/woman, desires for our future including kids and spouses, etc for several months before that. She has helped me hugely in my relationship with Christ, she (along with the Holy Spirit) convicts me of sin on a regular basis, and she says that I do the same for her. We have spent many nights praying together. We also share many of the same interests and same sense of humour: if she was a guy she would be one of if not my best friend.
In any case, I am certain (as certain as a human without divine foreknowledge can be) that I am going to marry her. The only problem is when? I am going to be a sophomore in college, she a senior (although she will take 5 years to graduate and I only 4, so she will only graduate a year ahead of me). I do believe that part of a man's "leaving his father and mother" includes leaving them financially, and as they are paying for my college education I do not feel it would be right to get married in college. Both of us will be financially secure out of college (I am in computer science, she in aerospace engineering with a job already lined up for when she graduates) so there is no issue there. However, waiting a minimum of 3 years is going to be an incredibly long time, especially in the physical area.
We are both virgins and plan on remaining that way until we are married, but it is...not so much difficult as frustrating right now, because I love her so much and want to give her every pleasure possible. To clarify, my desire to be more physically intimate with her is something not selfish, I do not want to gratify my desires at her expense. Note I am not asking "but can we have sex before marriage we really love each other!" as I'm sure is in the minds of many high schoolers, I am asking whether, to avoid burning with passion (as Paul says) we should get married, or whether, as the Song of Solomon speaks of, not to "awake" love in the sense that we should not spent long times kissing or laying on a bed holding hands without kissing since we are not yet married.
The question "How far is too far" is clearly the wrong question, just as "How much can I sin and still be a Christian" is another wrong question. My time spent with her I do not feel is dishonorable to either her (and yes I have listened to sermons from people like Paul Washer on treating her like a daughter of God and a sister of Christ) nor to God (it is not interfering with my walk with him, in fact we often bookend nights of kissing with discussions on Scripture). So I do not ask "How far is too far" but instead "How can I best honor God." Keep in mind this is not, by any means, the only way we spend our time. We go to concerts, religious debates, square dances, theatrical productions, we do homework together (she often gives me help as she is two years ahead and took many of the same classes), have theological debates long into the night, do everything two best friends would. I have had comments made to me by other people how our relationship is a model that they strive for, and have been asked by non-Christian friends what makes it so (this, of course, gives me a chance to share with them the Gospel). In all this, we feel we are honoring God. By becoming closer to Christ I get closer to her, and as I draw closer to her I allow God to preach the gospel through my relationships and actions. Part of this drawing closer is physical intimacy, as God has made created us, and eventually marriage. My question is: is it right to delay this progression to marriage? In the old days aka 1800s and before, there is no way two people in their 20s would want to get married to each other, but then have to wait 3-4 years. It simply wasn't done, and I feel like Paul is not speaking on this at all in his letter to the Corinthians.
One more thing: before God broke me, brought me to a saving faith in Jesus Christ, and transformed me into a new creation, I got involved in pornography on the computer. In addition, I was going to be a surgeon and as such developed a wide range of knowledge about the human body. I thus am fairly desensitized to nudity and sexuality in general, one of the consequences of sin. I praise the Lord that he has given me a new heart, one that detests the evil the he detests, and I have no desires for pornography nor even for the female form; on beaches or at pools I have no feelings of lust in my heart. This is absolutely inexplicable, and I can only credit God the divine healer who has regenerated me in ways I could not have even of imagined. My girlfriend does not know about my past sexual sin, but I feel that is not something (but share we both must) until we are engaged to be married. I tell you this not so you can feel sorry or feel self-righteous at never having fallen into that sin, but instead praise the Lord for the things he can do (which, I believe it a physical miracle as well as an emotional one, as I believe he physically remolded my brain as I know many of the ways, chemically and neurologically, that long-term pornography affects the brain) and to understand more deeply that I do not want to be intimate with her as a reason for myself, but to deepen our love with one another.
I imagine this is how most of the advice will go: "You just met each other, you don't really know if you're going to get married, it still could be lust (in fact Mr. Matorin it probably is because you used to be a viewer of pornography) so you should wait a few years to get to know each other better, STOP ALL KISSING you need to get to know each other as people before you are that close."
In opposition to that "wait, it'll be better" mantra that has been popularized in American Evangelical circles since the 1960s, there is absolutely NO Scriptural background for that. In fact, the same argument is used for living together before marriage, and if you look at those marriages and arranged marriages where the people do not know each other at all, the former are MUCH more likely to fail than the latter. Time, of course, will deepen our relationship, but whether a marriage works or not has less to do with time spent knowing each other, and more with the closeness of the individuals to God.
So the question is: Should we get married in college, or wait? Please back up your answer with Scripture when possible and pray before you respond, so that God will be giving you wisdom, and it will not be only from man. I appreciate your time and look forward to your responses.
I met a girl in February of this year, and I was convicted pretty quickly (within about a week) that this woman would be my future wife. We have been officially dating for several months now, but we had been talking about the Christian roles of man/woman, desires for our future including kids and spouses, etc for several months before that. She has helped me hugely in my relationship with Christ, she (along with the Holy Spirit) convicts me of sin on a regular basis, and she says that I do the same for her. We have spent many nights praying together. We also share many of the same interests and same sense of humour: if she was a guy she would be one of if not my best friend.
In any case, I am certain (as certain as a human without divine foreknowledge can be) that I am going to marry her. The only problem is when? I am going to be a sophomore in college, she a senior (although she will take 5 years to graduate and I only 4, so she will only graduate a year ahead of me). I do believe that part of a man's "leaving his father and mother" includes leaving them financially, and as they are paying for my college education I do not feel it would be right to get married in college. Both of us will be financially secure out of college (I am in computer science, she in aerospace engineering with a job already lined up for when she graduates) so there is no issue there. However, waiting a minimum of 3 years is going to be an incredibly long time, especially in the physical area.
We are both virgins and plan on remaining that way until we are married, but it is...not so much difficult as frustrating right now, because I love her so much and want to give her every pleasure possible. To clarify, my desire to be more physically intimate with her is something not selfish, I do not want to gratify my desires at her expense. Note I am not asking "but can we have sex before marriage we really love each other!" as I'm sure is in the minds of many high schoolers, I am asking whether, to avoid burning with passion (as Paul says) we should get married, or whether, as the Song of Solomon speaks of, not to "awake" love in the sense that we should not spent long times kissing or laying on a bed holding hands without kissing since we are not yet married.
The question "How far is too far" is clearly the wrong question, just as "How much can I sin and still be a Christian" is another wrong question. My time spent with her I do not feel is dishonorable to either her (and yes I have listened to sermons from people like Paul Washer on treating her like a daughter of God and a sister of Christ) nor to God (it is not interfering with my walk with him, in fact we often bookend nights of kissing with discussions on Scripture). So I do not ask "How far is too far" but instead "How can I best honor God." Keep in mind this is not, by any means, the only way we spend our time. We go to concerts, religious debates, square dances, theatrical productions, we do homework together (she often gives me help as she is two years ahead and took many of the same classes), have theological debates long into the night, do everything two best friends would. I have had comments made to me by other people how our relationship is a model that they strive for, and have been asked by non-Christian friends what makes it so (this, of course, gives me a chance to share with them the Gospel). In all this, we feel we are honoring God. By becoming closer to Christ I get closer to her, and as I draw closer to her I allow God to preach the gospel through my relationships and actions. Part of this drawing closer is physical intimacy, as God has made created us, and eventually marriage. My question is: is it right to delay this progression to marriage? In the old days aka 1800s and before, there is no way two people in their 20s would want to get married to each other, but then have to wait 3-4 years. It simply wasn't done, and I feel like Paul is not speaking on this at all in his letter to the Corinthians.
One more thing: before God broke me, brought me to a saving faith in Jesus Christ, and transformed me into a new creation, I got involved in pornography on the computer. In addition, I was going to be a surgeon and as such developed a wide range of knowledge about the human body. I thus am fairly desensitized to nudity and sexuality in general, one of the consequences of sin. I praise the Lord that he has given me a new heart, one that detests the evil the he detests, and I have no desires for pornography nor even for the female form; on beaches or at pools I have no feelings of lust in my heart. This is absolutely inexplicable, and I can only credit God the divine healer who has regenerated me in ways I could not have even of imagined. My girlfriend does not know about my past sexual sin, but I feel that is not something (but share we both must) until we are engaged to be married. I tell you this not so you can feel sorry or feel self-righteous at never having fallen into that sin, but instead praise the Lord for the things he can do (which, I believe it a physical miracle as well as an emotional one, as I believe he physically remolded my brain as I know many of the ways, chemically and neurologically, that long-term pornography affects the brain) and to understand more deeply that I do not want to be intimate with her as a reason for myself, but to deepen our love with one another.
I imagine this is how most of the advice will go: "You just met each other, you don't really know if you're going to get married, it still could be lust (in fact Mr. Matorin it probably is because you used to be a viewer of pornography) so you should wait a few years to get to know each other better, STOP ALL KISSING you need to get to know each other as people before you are that close."
In opposition to that "wait, it'll be better" mantra that has been popularized in American Evangelical circles since the 1960s, there is absolutely NO Scriptural background for that. In fact, the same argument is used for living together before marriage, and if you look at those marriages and arranged marriages where the people do not know each other at all, the former are MUCH more likely to fail than the latter. Time, of course, will deepen our relationship, but whether a marriage works or not has less to do with time spent knowing each other, and more with the closeness of the individuals to God.
So the question is: Should we get married in college, or wait? Please back up your answer with Scripture when possible and pray before you respond, so that God will be giving you wisdom, and it will not be only from man. I appreciate your time and look forward to your responses.
