Dating is Harder

[MehGuy]

I am one man who is grateful for the online dating world. As someone who is part of the bdsm/fetish dating market niche I have found the internet to be a godsend. I am able to connect with so many likeminded women that would be next to impossible or very hard during previous times. Sadly I have never taken women in the real world seriously under consideration as dating partners. I just assume most are vanilla, or at the very least too vanilla for my tastes. Sometimes co-workers and friends try to set me up with someone, but I've rejected them all. I just feel like it's a waste of time and it honestly angers me when they attempt it.

I do feel the internet is a powerful tool that in theory should help and not hinder dating opportunities. Sadly I think many modern people are really psychologically confused. We're taught that men and women are basically the same and any differences are mainly due to culture. This can create all sorts of problems. As a man who's heavily into evolutionary psychology and self introspection.. I feel like I know myself very well and what I want in a woman.. and I know the logical places to meet them.

Admittedly I am not the best at small talk, but I am pretty decent at expressing my emotions and despite what some men say... some women do fall for men who are not cold brutes, lol. Although I will say I have cut off dating these last few years due to major depression (unrelated to dating), but I actually want to pick it up back again soon.

 

[ThatRobGuy]

Everyone's gotten tribalistic on a number of different issues, to the point where literally any point of disagreement becomes a "deal breaker", where, 10 years ago, the "deal-breaker" designation was applied a little more sparingly. People could disagree about some things, but still see each other as compatible enough for a relationship.

I don't think that's the case anymore.

Seems like every political issue, no matter how trivial, becomes some sort of Hatfield & McCoy situation.

Example: The last woman I dated... we agreed on just about everything and had significant overlap on our hobbies and preferences. We literally got into some heated argument (and I forget how it started), because I said I was okay with physician assisted suicide, and apparently she wasn't. Apparently disagreement on that one issue was enough to make things go south... I would've been happy to "agree to disagree", but she didn't share that sentiment apparently lol.

 

[Lain Iwakura]

The entire sexual dynamic of the civilization is collapsing, just like the NIH's population extinction experiments.

 

[Pommer]

The entire sexual dynamic of the civilization is collapsing, just like the NIH's population extinction experiments.

Uh huh

 

[MehGuy]

As for the reason this study found older men more statistically likely to be looking for dates compared to older women is probably due to different biological realities between the sexes. Most men are able to reproduce basically forever and it makes sense that men evolved a stronger pressure to want to seek out young mates for life compared to women. In reality most older men will not be able to achieve this (especially 60+) but evolution will select any traits that have an inkling of advantage.

Many will find it cruel and irresponsible for a 90 year old to sire a child but from the point of view of genes being passed on this makes perfect sense. Probably similar reasons for why I have read that older women experience an increase in their sex drives during their late 30s. A last ditch effort to reproduce.

 

[Lifelong_sinner]

I have conflicting thoughts on this. I am 49, and have been single since i was 34, but i gave up women realizing that it wasnt them, but me. Not everyone is relationship material, and im not. I dont know if that study talked about this, but quite frankly, im surprised any man thinks marriage is a good idea anymore. Given that it used to be half of all marriages end up in divorce, that makes for a lot of grumpy men who end up losing half in that divorce.
I’m not sure if anyone has ever heard of MGTOW or not, but its real and its for a purpose. MGTOW stands for men going their own way.
As for me, im just not that committed to anyone else. But then again, i dont understand love.

 

[MehGuy]

I have conflicting thoughts on this. I am 49, and have been single since i was 34, but i gave up women realizing that it wasnt them, but me. Not everyone is relationship material, and im not. I dont know if that study talked about this, but quite frankly, im surprised any man thinks marriage is a good idea anymore. Given that it used to be half of all marriages end up in divorce, that makes for a lot of grumpy men who end up losing half in that divorce.
I’m not sure if anyone has ever heard of MGTOW or not, but its real and its for a purpose. MGTOW stands for men going their own way.
As for me, im just not that committed to anyone else. But then again, i dont understand love.

I do have sympathies for men who decide to go MGTOW. There are horrible divorce and child custody stories out there. I regularly listen to a podcast called Honey Badger Radio that features various women and men hosts who discuss such things. While they do not endorse MGTOW they also share sympathies with men who find the idea appealing.

Like any other group the idea of MGTOW has splintered into various sub-groups. You cannot paint them all with the same brush. Some MGTOW people are MGTOW in the sense of being bachelor men for life. They admire men like Leonardo DiCaprio who despite pushing 50 has not settled down into marriage yet and instead dates attractive young models. Just as society says women should be free to choose the lives they want including not being mothers and wives, the same needs to be true for men to be free to choose not to become fathers and husbands. Society isn't entitled to anything from both sexes.

After saying that.. personally I still aspire to marriage someday. Despite having many friends who have come from divorced and single motherhood homes my own home life was affirming. My parents still loved each other 30 years on and I would be very surprised if they ever left each other.

There are plenty of decent women out there, you just need to learn where to look. Be smart about vetting them. One good thing about modern feminism is that it's made many toxic women easy to pick out. Although I will say the same holds true for a lot of conservative women. Psychologically I believe these two groups are very similar. I will give points to conservative women for being more honest about who they are though..

Admittedly I have fallen into moments of my life where I developed hateful views about women. Thankfully I have gotten past that. Such a mindset is unhealthy. Sadly many who try to talk men out these unhealthy mindsets only want them to fall into other unhealthy mindsets under the watchful eye of feminism.

One thing I find both humorous and tragic is occasionally seeing a person managing to shed off toxic mindsets about women only to fall into toxic mindsets as a feminist. Just because aspects of the "manosphere" may be toxic doesn't magically give feminism validity. Unfortunately it appears that many people are uncapable of independent thought. Some only know how to follow crowds and adopt crude talking points.

 

[MehGuy]

As for the reason this study found older men more statistically likely to be looking for dates compared to older women is probably due to different biological realities between the sexes. Most men are able to reproduce basically forever and it makes sense that men evolved a stronger pressure to want to seek out young mates for life compared to women. In reality most older men will not be able to achieve this (especially 60+) but evolution will select any traits that have an inkling of advantage.

Many will find it cruel and irresponsible for a 90 year old to sire a child but from the point of view of genes being passed on this makes perfect sense. Probably similar reasons for why I have read that older women experience an increase in their sex drives during their late 30s. A last ditch effort to reproduce.

I do find this Youtube video interesting.. and related to this post of old men managing to have children. Hard to believe that there are children still around (at least as of 2014) who's fathers fought in the American Civil War.

Those old men had game.. lol.

Description of video: Children of Civil War veterans talking about the lives of their fathers.

 

[mama2one]

"first met their spouse or partner through friends or family (32%). Smaller shares say they met through work (18%) or school (17%)"

I'm one of the 18% who met husband at work
a sibling & a friend also met their spouses at work

we were in our 20s so we didn't have a long list of expectations for a spouse
he just asked me out one day & we kept going out
2 mos later, he asked me to marry him
we married 6 mos from first date

today we say "what were we thinking, lol"

 

[mama2one]

don't understand why dating is so much harder now

anywhere a person goes is a "potential" place to ask or be asked out

"might" be harder now due to people waiting too long to date/aging/getting set in their ways
on another forum I saw that as people get older, they have a long, long list that a date/potential spouse must meet

no one is going to fulfill such a long list...impossible
also, people often want the perfect looking person when they themselves are not perfect looking....have seen it written on posts on other forum

 

[RDKirk]

"first met their spouse or partner through friends or family (32%). Smaller shares say they met through work (18%) or school (17%)"

I'm one of the 18% who met husband at work
a sibling & a friend also met their spouses at work

we were in our 20s so we didn't have a long list of expectations for a spouse
he just asked me out one day & we kept going out
2 mos later, he asked me to marry him
we married 6 mos from first date

today we say "what were we thinking, lol"

Although there are certain political considerations in meeting someone at work, the same is true for the other situations as well. There will always be political considerations with meeting someone within a "shared social environment."

But that "shared social environment" can also be a valuable vetting mechanism.

 

[GOD Shines Forth!]

…"might" be harder now due to people waiting too long to date/aging/getting set in their ways
on another forum I saw that as people get older, they have a long, long list that a date/potential spouse must meet.

no one is going to fulfill such a long list...impossible
also, people often want the perfect looking person when they themselves are not perfect looking....have seen it written on posts on other forum

Truth.

"The List" can prove fatal to a chance at marriage.

 

[mama2one]

@GOD Shines Forth!

yes, I'm shocked by the length of some people's lists!
they insist anything not met on list is a deal breaker

 

[bèlla]

I appreciate the opportunities the Internet provided to connect with like-minded men and women. I’ve developed rich friendships and encountered suitors I wouldn’t meet otherwise. God uses different mediums to bring people together and the Internet is one of many.

I feel it’s important to maintain a healthy outlook about oneself and the opposite sex. Succumbing to negative thoughts, harmful ideologies, or self-reproach does little to aid your search.

I agree selectivity can be an impediment when applied excessively. Everyone has imperfections and flaws they haven’t mastered. A little grace goes a long way as does remembering the bigger picture.

As others noted, there are goodhearted people seeking companionship beyond casual relations. Use the information provided strategically and don’t abandon your search.

~bella

 

[RDKirk]

@GOD Shines Forth!

yes, I'm shocked by the length of some people's lists!
they insist anything not met on list is a deal breaker

There is a Steve Harvey YouTube video with a woman who had over 50 items in her list, and she insisted that each one was a deal-breaker.

But her list included, for instance, a requirement that a man must love her dogs...but have none of his own.

She also insisted that he be a high-wage earner...but devote extensive time to her needs. If he's a high-wage earner, it's a good bet he doesn't have a lot of free time.

Probably the worst lie that has been sold to American women since the 80s is that it's a woman's right to "have it all." Almost nobody "has it all." Queen Elizabeth doesn't "have it all."

 

[Lifelong_sinner]

I suppose this all makes me wonder, how many people are actually not happy with being single?? In todays world, this may sound cynical, but i see only 2 reasons to even get married; financial and sexual. Beyond that, i have no idea.

 

[dzheremi]

What about neither happy nor unhappy? Because I'm at a point in my life where I'd like to be with someone, but have also been through enough less-than-great situations to know that being in a bad relationship is ultimately worse than just being single. After all, when you're single you know why you're lonely and it makes sense that you would be, but if you're with someone you shouldn't be you'll often feel that same sort of loneliness, but mixed in with the depressing realization that things shouldn't be like this.

And from speaking to divorced friends and family, it seems like the consensus is that what they miss most about being married isn't financial or sexual, but emotional, in the sense of having someone there to rely on or to pick you up after the day/week/month has ground you down. Not that there aren't financial or sexual reasons to get married, but I think it's overly simplistic to say that they're the only reasons.

 

[Lifelong_sinner]

And from speaking to divorced friends and family, it seems like the consensus is that what they miss most about being married isn't financial or sexual, but emotional, in the sense of having someone there to rely on or to pick you up after the day/week/month has ground you down. Not that there aren't financial or sexual reasons to get married, but I think it's overly simplistic to say that they're the only reasons.

i can honestly say i have never relied on anyone for emotional support. You clearly trust people more than i do. This may also be why i would never commit to marriage as i have never been giving a reason why to trust anyone. Quite the opposite actually.

 

[dzheremi]

But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

(Ecclesiastes 4:10-12)

 

[bèlla]

I suppose this all makes me wonder, how many people are actually not happy with being single?? In todays world, this may sound cynical, but i see only 2 reasons to even get married; financial and sexual. Beyond that, i have no idea.

I think you’ll encounter unhappy singles in Christian and secular circles. Some manage better than others.