Dark-minded Christian

[holo]

OK, I'm a believer - I have recieved Christ, always believed in God and, in spite of the common ups and downs, try to walk with/on/in his Word and love.
So far, so good. What's different though, or perhaps more precisely, makes me feel different from most other believers, is, well... this... darkness inside me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed all the time or anything, and when I am, I know I'm not supposed to be. But I'm very melancholic and sort of fascinated by pain, darkness, madness, fear, all the "bad" stuff. I guess I'm a sort of goth, I only don't look like one.
It confuses me a bit that I don't shun all these "dark" things, as I'm troubled with anxiety and stuff like that from time to time. Why do I take such pleasure, if I can call it that, in stuff like W.A.S.P.'s KFD album or listening to Nine Inch Nails with only a black candle lighting the room while I play around with a knife? Why do tales of insanity capture me so much more than, say, a cermon on TBN?
I'm probably not making myself clear here, I'm not used to talking about these things as I'm afraid people will think I'm depressed at best, or some sort of devil worshiper at worst.
It's really hard getting people to understand (almost as hard as understanding it myself) that I, even on a bright happy day, being totally relaxed and joyful, will think that death would be better. You know, wanting to die without being suicidal. I've got more good things in my life than I deserve or could wish for, still I long for death. Heaven is an incredible bonus, but I'd actually be happy knowing I would simply cease to exist.

 

[mamaneenie]

I am wondering how long you have been a Christian for? Sometimes when you are a new Christian, it takes a while to walk a new life style and enjoy reading your Bible and listening to other people talk about Jesus.

Have you got any good Christian friends that you can go to for fellowship and just having some fun?

Also, are you baptised in the Holy Spirit, because sometimes that can bring about a natural change as well.

By the way, I don't think you are a devil worshiper, especially since at the start of your post you say that you are a Christian.

 

[William Nunn]

Well Holo, I know how it is to be in your shoes. I don't have the same fascinations that you do, such as dark music and playing with knives, but I fully sympathize with you when you say that sometimes it would feel better to simply be dead. And some darker things not normally associated with being a Christian fascinate me, such as reading Edgar Allan Poe.

We are human, and we have human worries and weaknesses - one of them being able to completely let go of our old selves when we are saved. So don't think you are completely abnormal. Also as a Christian, we are no longer "normal" humans. We will NEVER be fully content in this world, because we are reborn into new creatures and will live in a new kingdom. It gets depressing to be in this world sometimes, especially when you know what is waiting for you when you die. But don't get discouraged. Keep praying that the Lord gives you guidance.

 

[seebs]

I don't know, but I'm often the same way. Trent Reznor says a lot more that's true about the nature of good and evil than the average sermon does.

We're not all alike. Maybe your calling is to be someone who can actually relate to depressed people. There are plenty of Christians who are unbelievably cruel to depressed people, having no personal understanding of what depression is; maybe you're being called to counteract the damage they do.

I wouldn't stress about it.

 

[jesusfreak2722]

hi: my name is jessica and i have only been a christian for 1/2 of the year and at first i was having the same problem....my friend told me it was because that satan did not want me to become a christian and he wanted me to remain the way i was before. once she told me that i was scared, and then i started to pray to god and those dreams and thoughts had left my head.just keep praying and i will pray for you and remember that god loves you and so do i. GOD BLESS YOU!!!! here's a big hug for you talk to you later.

 

[oworm]

I don't know, but I'm often the same way. Trent Reznor says a lot more that's true about the nature of good and evil than the average sermon does.

We're not all alike. Maybe your calling is to be someone who can actually relate to depressed people. There are plenty of Christians who are unbelievably cruel to depressed people, having no personal understanding of what depression is; maybe you're being called to counteract the damage they do.

I wouldn't stress about it.

Good post!!

I can relate in some sense with the OP. For instance. Yesterday i walked for 20 miles in the driving rain and hail. Most of the time i was happy as i watched the wildlife along the canal bank.
At one point whilst praying for my country i felt a darkness come over me as i realised just how much in the grip of satan it is! I wept for a few seconds.
This has been happening periodically for some months now.

We are NOT all called to be "Happy bouncy skippidy do da" Christians. Some of us carry burdens. You only have to read through the Prophecy of Jeremiah (The weeping prophet)and it will soon become apparent that some of Gods people are called to bear loads that might otherwise crush other,s. But in the bearing there comes a deeper joy which is not ethereal or superficial.

Ive been critised in the past while walking with friends through the city centre in the evening observing the futility of those who seek after pleasure in all the wrong places. I was told to "Lighten up" How could i lighten up when all around me people were on roads to ruin?

 

[desi]

Holo, it takes all kinds of us for God to have a full compliment to choose from in exercising his will here on earth.

 

[holo]

It's so good to see that there are other Christians that dig Edgar Allan Poe and Trent Reznor. I'm surrounded by people who haven't even heard about them.
mamaeenie,
I've been a Christian for basically my entire life, though many times I have believed I couldn't be called one. I've also been through some bad stuff, both inside and outside my head. I like being happy, stupid as that may sound. But I don't feel it's my nature to be happy and positive. I also seem to be unlike a lot of other believers in that only thinking about the cross can utterly break me, tears flowing (and it's about the only thing that makes me cry). I guess I just know too well how much I've been forgiven. I have got Christian friends, but not where I live (don't really know anyone there, but that's kinda ok). And yes, I'm baptized in the Spirit, to put it that way.
As for my calling, I guess it's got something to do with being around depressed or lonely or hopless people. I certainly don't see myself as a pastor or anything like that, but I often dream of helping those who need it, who feel desperate and just don't fit in your normal church.
I don't know how I'm supposed to be, but I take a certain pleasure in that I can really enjoy a rainy, foggy day. I think it's just who I am, basically, being the man in black so to speak, though of course I could do without the light depressions I'll still get, and the anxiety. I'm having an attack right now btw.

Thank you so much for replying, it really means much to just be accepted and not looked down upon.

 

[oworm]

I don't know how I'm supposed to be, but I take a certain pleasure in that I can really enjoy a rainy, foggy day.

I can identify with that feeling. I think the fact that you have a burden for the type of people you mention is tied in with your particular mindset. Who better to understand and who better qualified than one who has experienced the same stuff as they?!
I do enjoy the sunny days too!!!

 

[secretdawn]

I am wondering how long you have been a Christian for? Sometimes when you are a new Christian, it takes a while to walk a new life style and enjoy reading your Bible and listening to other people talk about Jesus.

Have you got any good Christian friends that you can go to for fellowship and just having some fun?

Also, are you baptised in the Holy Spirit, because sometimes that can bring about a natural change as well.

By the way, I don't think you are a devil worshiper, especially since at the start of your post you say that you are a Christian.

I didn't think you could be baptised in the holy spirit...i thought it was something that happened to you, not something you did.

 

[Rafael]

This is a dark world that has had satanic influence for many centuries. Knowing the enemy and haing respect for his tactics can be a plus if approached the right way. I too, grew up fascinated by the spiritual element of darkness, but the light become much more fascinating than the dark as I grew closer to Him. Much more fascinating and wonderful! The thanatos and eros, death wish and life wish, are strong influences that come from powerful forces. Just be sure to not submit to the wrong side controled by the father of lies. Seek, understand, and submit to the light of Jesus Christ.

 

[holo]

raphe,
you're right in that we (perhaps especially people like me) have to be careful what attractions an fascinations we choose to follow. A lot of the psalms, the book of Job, and, uh, Eccleciastes (I don't know what it's called in English, it's the guy complaining about the vanity of everything), give me certain comfort in that it seems to allow a certain dark-mindedness. I guess I can't biblically defend my being a cynic, but then that isn't directly tied to my fascination and love for all things dark, tragic, painful and insane.

 

[holo]

Oh, and I guess one of the reasons I don't feel I would fit in, in any of the churches I've visited, is that they're usually either very stiff and ceremonic, or else everyone are jumping around, hands raised, singing and Being So Happy. I dislike the latter kind the least, I appreciate the option of dancing in church, but if you're having a hard day, week, or month, you might not feel too comfortable among The Happy People. Anyway my most profound experiences with the Lord were either alone in a dark room, or locked in a closet at work.

 

[Sybille]

Holo.... You are a relief!!!..... I am exactly the same. I know how you feel soooooooooo well.......

Feel free to PM or mail me if you does't mind talking with an un-comformist independent like-minded.....

I never thought I'd hear of a christian like me.... We are in minority. Few can understand that "light/darkness" bigger proportions (for a lack of a better term) in some human beings.... I know people who are in their 40's and it still didn't changed for them.... I guess we are just.... different.

I've been looking for people like you for a while now.... and you're the first one I hear about....

God bless you Holo,
Sybille

 

[Sybille]

in any of the churches I've visited, is that they're usually either very stiff and ceremonic, or else everyone are jumping around, hands raised, singing and Being So Happy.

Lol. I know..... When I go to church I'm always thinking inside "Heck... am I an alien...." ... Fortunately, the people there are very understanding.

I dislike the latter kind the least, I appreciate the option of dancing in church, but if you're having a hard day, week, or month, you might not feel too comfortable among The Happy People. Anyway my most profound experiences with the Lord were either alone in a dark room, or locked in a closet at work.

Aww.... me too. A dark tiny place is a perfect place for me to pray God.... I need tranquility, few light, and a quiet ambience.... just as in some monasteries....

 

[Sybille]

you're right in that we (perhaps especially people like me) have to be careful what attractions an fascinations we choose to follow

Yes.... indeed we have to be VERY careful.... But I believe that anyone truly loving God and praying Him for the Light & Right Way (well, His Way), will always be safe.....

 

[holo]

Sybille,
I PM'ed you.
The rest of you just have to wonder what we'll be up to, hahaha!
But seriously though, not being alone is a good feeling, even if it means there are more people than you feeling bad.

 

[Brooke]

I can sort of relate... I've been a Christian for four years now, and I still have an odd fascination with the magical, wizards and sorcerers. I don't know how healthy that is, but...

 

[onikirimaru777]

im glad someone else feels the way i do...

 

[holo]

Brooke,
probably the only thing that should be advised against is starting to practice magic and stuff like that, wheter or not it works not being the issue really. But magic, as presented in The Lord of The Rings, probably appeals so much to us because we're dreamers in more than one sense.

What are the "dark" things you do or are fascinated by? Just to see how similar we are.