Curiousity...

[theunspoken78]

Hi there, I am a christian and have been for some time. I have come in search of other christian's who do not share the same....portion of my situation. I am in the military and I know that sometimes in this "little world" we are set apart from other and we look at things differently.

I am having a problem and I can't get it out of my head. I believe that God brought my girlfriend and I together. I also believe that God brings others into our lives because he wants them to touch our lives or us to touch their's in some way shape or form.

I started dating this girl who lives in CA. I live in VA. Crazy already huh? Oh it gets better.

Lorna dated her Ex-boyfriend for approx 10 years, had two children with him, and patiently waited. One day she asked him if he was ever going to ask him to marry her...

He said why would we get married, we already live together and are happy. Well that didn't sit well with her, she said fine and decided to just call this relationship off.

I have already been told by my father whom I have respect for that by God's word I shouldn't even be attempting to have a relationship with her. Well I am a foolish sinner then, b/c something about her has touched my heart in a way I can't explain. I can't let go. Is that Satan making me hang on?

Well to continue. Lorna still lives in California. She lives in fear because Armando(the ex) says if she leaves the state she will take her to court and take her children away. She bends to his every barking command, he gets ****ed she bows down. Why? Because of those kids.

I am so aware that I will never be their father, that I will never replace him. I just want to love someone who apparently has never been shown love. I know she loves me back, it is just that I am riding in the back seat of my own relationship while Armando rides up front with her.

Just recently she has been able to make rent on her apartment. So she had to find another place to live, after searching she was unable to find anything and one of her friends from work suggested that her cousin could use a roommate, who is a male, so she thought about it and decided to move in with him. (YAY! *sarcasim*)

I feel like I am being abused here. I feel like I am wanted around yet used at the same time.

Am I crazy for staying around?

If you have any advice good or bad, shoot me a line or reply here PLEASE!

KJ Brown -

 

[Living4Him03]

Thanks for serving our country

Well, I don't know what advice to give you, but I know that if you bring your burdens to God He will lift you up! Pray for God's guidance in your life and in the life of your girlfriend. It must be hard with the two of you being so far apart and going through so much. God bless you!

 

[Sketcher]

You said you realize you will never be their father. Do you really need to be part of a household where the children don't respect you and want you around? Abuse/hate goes both ways, you'll be drained of a lot more life that you can give real quick.

 

[theunspoken78]

It isn't that the kids don't respect me they love me. They warmed up to me right away. What drains me is her wanting to give him the ability to see them when he wants and give them up when he doesn't really want them around. She basically is his slave due to her fear of loosing them. He calls her constantly asking how to take care of them, or where their stuff is.

I am 26 years old. I could raise a child with more common sense than this guy, who I think is 22 maybe.

She basically gets walked on and it is irking.

 

[Sketcher]

10 years together, plus sex and two kids - they might work this out themselves. She may be using you to get what she wants from him, or as leverage to get him to act the way she wants.

 

[hischildsindik]

I think perhaps some heavy prayer about this is in order on your side. And this woman needs to decide what she really wants. Has she checked out the options with a lawyer, to see what kind of rights CA has in legalities with regards to non married parents of children. Some states are more favorable to the mother, others are split and would look at who is able to provide better all around for the children.

With the situation as it is, I would suggest putting how you feel on the side and seeking God. Because they have such a history together, time and children, it may be feasable that they could work things out. Also, is she a Christian? Because remember, God does not want us to be un-equally yolked. Then there is the fact, that no matter if/when this is worked out with the father of the children, she may need time alone to heal.

Continue to befriend her, but guard your heart. God bless!

 

[fishstix]

I'd suggest that she should certainly talk with a lawyer about this - her ex may not have a leg to stand on legally, which means that all her fears are over nothing. As far as your dating her goes - she never actually got married to the father of her children and it sounds like he is a manipulative jerk and unlikely to actually marry her at all, so I don't see what the problem would be. Even if he did suddenly propose to her, I don't think that it would be a wise marriage considering the way that he has been treating her. But certainly the first thing that she should do is talk to a lawyer to find out just what her rights are in this situation.

 

[theunspoken78]

Thanks all for your words. I have been in prayer since we began talking. Somedays it is hard to remember God is driving this vessel and I have to remind myself to let him take back over

 

[Im_A]

theunspoken78, i hope you don't mind but i am going to give one of my experiences that kind of resembles yours.

my last g/f was with a girl that used to live out in cali, but then moved to portland, and i live in ohio. well she was going through a divorce. the guy she is/was (i don't know anymore because we dont' talk) cheated on her and the girl he committed adultery with, he raped.

my ex and i started talking as friends on the net. she saw my profile on beliefnet and we were only friends. i knew she was married, and it was just a Christian friends talking via email, nothing more. then when all that stuff happened, she wanted me to call her. i figured what could it do bad ya know. so i called her.

well after that our friendship took off. we called each other, wrote long emails back and forth, and had long conversations on imming. in time, feelings grew. she was the one that said that she wants more than friendship with me. i was shocked and for some reason my heart fell hard for her.

so after time of talking for awhile, and dealing with her emotional struggles, i ended up going to visit her out in cali. had a blast to be honest. we didn't do anything sexual, even tho we did stay in the same hotel. she at the time moved back in with her parents because they filed for a divorce. so i met her child. it was a great time. her child is a little angel. so i left LAX even more deep in love for her.

i kid you not, not even a month later, she moves out to Portland, then i move out. then everything got sticky and messed up. the fact is that we were a couple while she was going through a divorce kicked in. then the sexual stuff happened because we were living together. we never had "sex" but we did sexual stuff, but nevertheless it still caused so many problems. i remember sitting with her, while she reminisced memories of her ex through a photo album of her life. yea, i guess i have been too much of a nice guy from time to time. that ripped me up. it ripped me up, hearing her child crying because she missed her daddy. it ripped me up everytime i had to sit with my now ex and deal with emotional struggles and pain from her husband's actions. i put me in a temporary hell. i don't blame her, but i became something i told her i wanted to be, a sponge for her pain. pretty sappy eh, well it happened, and it nearly ruined me. i dove straight into the bottle, and things were just messed up.

now if she was divorced, the "sponge" statement wouldn't have been that bad. but let's she would have been divorced, and she was still stuck on him, or still abiding by his rules, the same reaction would have happened. i soaked in her pain, and it was pain she wasn't ready to let go yet, which gave me no ground to see any progression, but yet at the time i was blind to it.

so nevertheless, 3 weeks later or so, i got upset about her smoking pot around her child. and within like 2 to 3 days, i'm back on a greyhound bus to ohio. we've talked numerous of times after that, but we haven't talked as of now for around i'd guess 4 to 5 months or so.

i'd say be careful man, be very careful. i am not the one to tell you what to do, only you and through prayer and faith can figure that out. but i'll still say be careful. our situations do differ in some major areas, but they are similiar in some way shape and form. just be careful. it's hard enough as it seems that your dealing with her doing the things she is doing, let her alone take in the issues she is dealing with. with my situation, i remember using scripture to get me out there. but i forgot certain things with that, well not forgotten, but blinded myself too, because i was so emotionally attached and i wanted to be with her so bad, and be that one person who gave her love when the love she once had hurt her so bad. i wanted to be a stable love for her. what better way for there to be, but to move several thousand of miles away for her, even though she is emotionally distraught and still married by law? and she is torn because of her daughter.

you have to remember. there is only so much you can do. we can't be superman, unless it is wanted. i don't know your g/f at all, but it just seems to me that she is not opening up fully to you. she is still in a bad situation. she has the freedom to change it if she wants too. it seems like you have opened up your arms to let her have that with you, but for whatever reason she just hasn't given in has she? it is a hard thing to do. even with my situation, it was so hard. honestly, i look back on it now, and i can say two things. one, i wish we would have waited for even a visit, or two, i wish i wouldn't have moved out there till later, because i can honestly say i am glad that we are not together. we had things in common, but the time was just so not right. it still haunts me from time to time tho. it was a huge sin on my part. and the emotional stuff i went through with her, was just at times unbearable. but no matter how much you love and care her, don't be a sitting duck for bullets constantly hitting you. you don't need the extra pain and suffering. if anything, if there ever comes a point to where you can't take it anymore maybe a break for the both of you would be good. the both of you analyzing what you really want in the situation your both in. i give you a lot of respect bro. it is nice seeing another guy out there that is willing to sacrifice himself for a girl that is going through what she is going through and you still wanting to be with her. much respect to you man. and you have better discnerment than i did .

now i'm not saying to you or anyone that because someone is hurting that we should just leave them alone in a relationship format. but i do believe we have to be careful. it can be a danger when the other side is not responding to the love we are offering to them, because something is still wrong in them.

i still want to be a stable love for someone and be that "sponge". i am still open to a long distant relationship with someone that is not married of course, and someone that really wants to try it out, and with someone i really want to try it out with. i'm waiting for her. she is either close to me, or she is a long away from me in distance, i do not know yet, but i have realized that even when love does end for whatever reason, we have to move on. take the lessons learned, and try not make the same mistake again.

i hope that helps you out in any way bro. May God Bless you!

 

[boilerblues]

I think tattedsaint makes some excellent points. To add a couple of thoughts of my own, if she is a Christian she should really find a local church that can help her out. They can help her escape the father of her children and start helping her work through the healing she is going to need. She needs to make the decision to get out of that situation and get help, and she needs to make that apart from you. If she is a Christian then she sounds very young in her faith and it would be wise to give her time to grow some before you step into the picture in too big a way. It would not be helpful for either of you if you were the one to pull her out of the situation and then discover that this was more than you bargained for. Let a church rescue her from the situation and then you have the freedom to develop your relationship or move on without leaving her totally high and dry.

If she's not a Christian then I would direct her to find a local church to help her, let her know that you'll be praying for her, and check back in on her later. Relationship with a non Christian is warned about in Scripture. I think it's important that you still help her, but the best way you can help her is to point her to a church family that can rescue her from this bad situation and share the love of Christ with her.

 

[theunspoken78]

boiler and tatted both of your advice is note worthy. Thank you and my God bless you both.

Tatted you and I are/were riding in the same boat man. I am a very open person emotionaly and when I fall, I fall hard. I will do what I need to do from now on from my knees, God will take care of this I know he will.

boiler you make a great point man and to bring up a little past history of my own. I dated a girl for 4 months and spoke with her about my spiritual background about where I was with the Lord and that I had wanted to be a youth minister before I joined the Navy. Well not 2 months ago ( mind you this is about 5 months after we split up) she hunts me down and says "I wanted to thank you for talking to me about your love for God, and how you wanted to be a minister". She found a local church and had started attending it and loved it. Is she saved, I don't know, I pray she will accept the Lord one day, unfortunately she returns none of my calls

I guess to also suggest to someone about going to church i should be a more faithful christian and lead by example and attend church more regularly. Leaving for 6 months at a time, moving from Iceland to Virginia really threw me off. The only real church family I had enjoyed was back in Texas. Thanks boiler I think I am going to seriously pray about what you said as well as tatted and look into finding a church home.

God is never done in our lives and I know he has been apart of mine from day one. It is amazing!

Thanks guys and gals