Crying it out - getting stubborn infant to sleep in his bed.

[tturt]

If you lay down with them to get them to sleep, it creates another situation that has to be dealt with later on. But I know at some point, you're so tired, you just want s-l-e-e-p. As you can tell - been there, done that. It doesn't seem to take doing something once or twice and they don't like it to change.

SharonL post sounds very promising but know it depends on the child.

 

[gracefulone1980]

I did not find this to be true at all. We co-slept with all of our children and they are very confident, good sleepers now that they are older.

OP - Please don't allow your baby to CIO or spank him. The other poster is correct, everything he needs right now is in fact, a need. Good sleep habits cannot be forced. Just because babies turn 11 months, doesn't mean we will get sleep. Nap with him. You and he will be much happier. You will both get rest.

If you lay down with them to get them to sleep, it creates another situation that has to be dealt with later on.

 

[waxlion10]

I completely agree with what KatAutumn, Gracefulone1980, and Messianic have posted. Such great advice and solid resources! Remember that 11 months old is just a baby And that this age will pass, so be encouraged that it will not last forever

 

[madyjae]

Idk, I'm bad with this.. I would let him sleep with me for as long as he wanted.. i still have a 6 yr old that comes in with me maybe once a week. My 18 month old is in with me, and my 3 yr old comes in maybe 3 times a week in the middle of the night.. They are only young once. My dear friend just lost her little baby who was 10 months old. How horrible... she said she was thankful that she was a "baby wearer" as she felt like there wasn't any other way she would have spent her last day with him.. They woke up together in the morning and cuddled, went down and played with sisters while she took a shower.. then they all went for a walk to the park and she did her household chores while "wearing" him when they got back home. She had no regrets. I am tired a lot in the morning.. haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in years lol... I have legs in my back, and feet pushing on me... but I wouldn't trade it for anything

 

[JRSut1000]

I agree with the posters who have said CIO and spanking is NOT the proper option to help your child sleep. I dont know where society feels that 'good babies' are those who sleep all night, that just isnt scientifically the case! Children's sleep cycles are much shorter than ours, so they will naturally awaken throughout the night. Some are good at self-soothing and many are not. It doesnt mean they are 'bad babies', there really is no such thing as a bad baby and it's cruel to talk of small children in such a way.

Now concerning tantrums before bed, if you do indeed have a strong willed child, addressing the strong will by pushing your will on him is only likely to make his will all the stronger. Strong will feeds on strong will. Also by spanking him, you're not making the nightime routine pleasant. I always [try] to put my child to bed with the idea that sleep/nighttime is a PLEASANT time, not a time for a battle of the wills. So when my little girl desperately wants out of her crib when its time for sleep, I try to redirect her in a positive way to appreciate nighttime such as 'it's time to go night night with doggy and blankie' and other positive reinforcements. Bedtime should be pleasant (yes even though its exhausting for parents sometimes but thats life) and by you being harsh with using CIO or spanking, its just making bedtime stressful and unpleasant for all involved.

 

[JRSut1000]

By the way - is calling our child 'Stubborn' really the best confession we want to speak over our children? An 11 month old is just a baby yet, it frustrates me to no end when people call their small children 'bad children' or 'spoiled' or 'stubborn' as if they can process the way older people can... It reveals a lot about the way society views children - again as burdens to be molded into mini-adults, not blessings that need nurture and stability the first years especially!

 

[The Princess Bride]

I brought up the sleeping issue yesterday with his Pediatrician for his 12 mos checkup and she did encourage the CIO method if all else had failed - in the case where his every need was met, he has soft music, night lite, etc he may be the "strongly assertive" type and require a few nights of CIO to learn self soothing.

 

[JRSut1000]

I am not surprised that most pediatricians advocate CIO...just like Im not surprised most pediatricians advocate vaccinations...

 

[gracefulone1980]

I am shocked that a doctor would encourage CIO and frankly, would not see a peds dr who would suggest it. Sleeping/resting time should be peaceful, not stressful. I hope you do not follow her advice and find a better way to teach your son to sleep. I know we all parent differenly, but 12 months is still a baby. Having a baby cry himself to sleep is stressful and our babies should know that we are there to comfort them when they need it. This phase shall too pass, why not make it a happy time. Also, if you become frustrated, even if you are not showing it with words, babies can read mommy's body language. This book has been very helpful to some... I mean my words in the kindest way.
Amazon.com: The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night (9780071381390): Elizabeth Pantley, William Sears: Books

I brought up the sleeping issue yesterday with his Pediatrician for his 12 mos checkup and she did encourage the CIO method if all else had failed - in the case where his every need was met, he has soft music, night lite, etc he may be the "strongly assertive" type and require a few nights of CIO to learn self soothing.

 

[white dove]

I agree with the posters who have said CIO and spanking is NOT the proper option to help your child sleep. I dont know where society feels that 'good babies' are those who sleep all night, that just isnt scientifically the case! Children's sleep cycles are much shorter than ours, so they will naturally awaken throughout the night. Some are good at self-soothing and many are not. It doesnt mean they are 'bad babies', there really is no such thing as a bad baby and it's cruel to talk of small children in such a way.

Now concerning tantrums before bed, if you do indeed have a strong willed child, addressing the strong will by pushing your will on him is only likely to make his will all the stronger. Strong will feeds on strong will. Also by spanking him, you're not making the nightime routine pleasant. I always [try] to put my child to bed with the idea that sleep/nighttime is a PLEASANT time, not a time for a battle of the wills. So when my little girl desperately wants out of her crib when its time for sleep, I try to redirect her in a positive way to appreciate nighttime such as 'it's time to go night night with doggy and blankie' and other positive reinforcements. Bedtime should be pleasant (yes even though its exhausting for parents sometimes but thats life) and by you being harsh with using CIO or spanking, its just making bedtime stressful and unpleasant for all involved.

By the way - is calling our child 'Stubborn' really the best confession we want to speak over our children? An 11 month old is just a baby yet, it frustrates me to no end when people call their small children 'bad children' or 'spoiled' or 'stubborn' as if they can process the way older people can... It reveals a lot about the way society views children - again as burdens to be molded into mini-adults, not blessings that need nurture and stability the first years especially!

...

The basic idea is that babies need to learn to fall asleep without "crutches," like nursing, getting rocked to sleep, or sucking a pacifier that parents have to plug back in throughout the night. Apparently everyone wakes up several times a night, but they fall back to sleep so quickly that they don't notice. Babies who haven't learned this skill rely on their crutch to get back to sleep. So you teach them to use techniques like thumb-sucking, snuggling a stuffed animal, or hugging a blanket to fall asleep. Then they won't need anyone to help them fall back to sleep throughout the night.

You put your baby to bed "drowsy but awake." He should be tired, but not already sleeping or on the verge of sleeping. You want to make sure he gets to that point by himself, not by getting nursed or rocked. You sit next to him to provide reassurance while he falls asleep, before it escalates into a full-blown cry or tantrum. You can touch him for comfort, but don't pick him up or play. Make sure it's dark, quiet and boring in there (no mobiles or toys) to encourage sleep. As he gets used to it, try to comfort him with only your voice. When he's ready, move the chair a little farther away each night, until it's just outside his door where he can't see you. Continue comforting him with your voice, so he knows you're there. Eventually you won't need to wait around any more.

......

I am personally against the crying-it-out method. I don't think it's abuse, but I do think it's a poor choice. (Like teaching a child to swim by throwing him in a lake... yeah, it'll work, but it's worth the extra effort to develop their confidence and teach each component in stride.) Being there to comfort your child, while being firm that he needs to sleep, helps him to be receptive to the idea. How you teach and discipline your child now sets the stage for how you interact with him as he gets older. If you are patient and receptive to his needs - without giving into his demands - you can develop a nurturing and trusting relationship. If you set a precedent of hurting him to correct behaviors, or ignoring him when he expresses his needs, he will avoid your parenting as much as independence allows. (Hurting and ignoring are essentially what spanking and crying-it-out are.) Spanking is neither age-appropriate for an 11-month-old, nor effective for sleep-training. It's an act of exasperation. Think about the long-term parent/child relationship and how your approach affects that, not just how it achieves each goal along the way.

These are beautiful posts. Thank you, ladies, for posting them.

 

[mysterysb]

Don't let him fall asleep nursing. He's associating that with comfort. He neesds to learn comfort on his own. Please don't spank him. An 11 month old does not have the cognitive ability to understand why you are spanking him. It does no good and creates more stess and does not address his needs.

Go into his room and reassure him. Give him a night light.

What are your habits for day time naps? Do you nurse him to sleep then?

I hate to tell you but I have 3 childen, my youngest is 7 and wakes up frequently scared and I have to take him back to his room during the night and reassure him he is okay. I still don't get a full nights sleep.

Mine are 5 and 6 and still also wake up periodically. my 5 year old wakes up about once each night and I either let him snuggle with me and his dad, or I go tuck him back in. This one was like yours at 11 months also... It took tiem before he could sooth himself and Until he was 18 months old maybe even 2 I would sometiems rock him back to sleep. My oldest had a different personality and I could let him cry himself to sleep. I don't know how I knew to treat one differently than the other, but my instinct told me that the youngest needed more reassurance.

I had guilt about that, because I thought I was spoiling him but I had a piece of advice given to me that they only remain young for a short time, and all children will eventually learn to put themselves to sleep even if you occassionally sooth and rock them. This was good advice and it was good for the well being of my son to give him the time he needed. Hopefully that helps you some...

 

[CareyGreen]

Spanking a child that young is not appropriate. You should let the child cry it out... with occasional visits to the room to reassure him/her, but let the child learn that bedtime is bedtime and that crying does not get his/her way. It will only take a week or so if you are diligent and strong - and you'll both be better off for it!

christianhomeandfamily(dot)com

 

[MessianicMommy]

Speaking of damage, did you know that when babies are left to cry it out, their little bodies are being flooded with Cortisol? Discipleship Parenting looks at what effect that has on them.

Damaging Effects of Punishment on Children | Why Not Train A Child?

God designed babies to be very needy and He gave mothers the instincts to attend to their baby’s needs. This is why a baby’s cry affects mothers so negatively. And yet mothers often try to squelch those instincts because a man has told them that their God given instincts were wrong.

Ignoring Your Instincts? | Why Not Train A Child?
see also PARENTING FREEDOM » Cry it Out, Sleep Training: Is CIO Biblical? and Crying for Comfort by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.

Excessive, uncontrolled crying that persists beyond 3 months of age in infants without other signs of neurological damage may be a marker for cognitive deficits during childhood. Such infants need to be examined and followed up more intensively.

Long term cognitive development in children w... [Arch Dis Child. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI

And from a Neuroscientist:

ParentsDesk: A lot of people reading this article will ask, so what’s wrong with “Crying it Out?” (the practice of not responding to a child’s cry at night as part of sleep training.)
Bialik: Children have needs at night and day. A baby does not know it needs to sleep. ‘Crying it Out’ is telling a child I won’t respond to your needs at night. The child will stop asking. But you’re teaching the child to give up. A baby’s wants and needs are the same thing. We believe there’s no such thing as crocodile tears. Babies and toddlers have a limited vocabulary and we need to honor what they’re saying. Especially in the first year, parents need to respond to the mammalian signals for distress. The baby’s developing brain needs these secure attachments. A baby’s cry is designed to get a parent to respond. There are parents who will lock themselves in another room or leave the house because they can’t stand to hear their babies cry when they are “crying it out.” That goes against all parental instincts.

A Conversation with The Big Bang Theory’s Mayim Bialik on Attachment Parenting : ParentsDesk

It is better to cry in arms as a small child, than alone.

See also:
Born Dancing, Ames and Ilg (Authors of "Your ____ year old"), Grace Based Parenting, Beyond the Sling, and The Continuum Concept

 

[MessianicMommy]

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[BigMomma]

Something that might be helpful is to give a special object to help his passage to sleep. At the moment that passage to sleep is by being with you and nursing. By having a special blanket, perhaps wrap him in it as you nurse so he begins to associate comfort and sleep with the special blanket, you will be helping him find his passage to sleep without you. Don't let him go to sleep by nursing anymore. Put him down in his bed with the blanket. Stay with him if that helps. I'm not keen on the cry it out method either.

 

[The Princess Bride]

Due to being on the go and having the older two children half the summer - we've abandoned all form of a bed time routine. I've reverted back to co-sleeping simply because it does not require effort.

 

[JRSut1000]

I've done this as well, in fact we've tried the crib thing on and off for a while and DD is still co-sleeping. I know eventualy we'll have to give it up, but for now its working. Dont feel guilty about that, your child is bonding thruogh the experience and when you and your little one are ready to move onto something different, yes it may be challenging but you'll figure it out.

 

[MessianicMommy]

We're still cosleeping some nights, but mostly in the mornings. The kids cosleep together in their own room when we move them at night.

Sometimes crying's involved (I'd rather play than sleep! Please let me stay up a little more!), but we can usually turn it around and make it a happy time together.

 

[SPB1987]

I hope things get better for you. Our daughter is 3 now and she was always a good sleeper. Our son is 16 months old and he still does not sleep through the night. He woke up 3 times last night. The important thing to remember is they will eventually grow out of this stage!

 

[Elenka764]

All children are different. Two of my kids benefited greatly from CIO and slept through the night after doing it once. Three of my kids needed a firm "It's time for bed, I'll be right here" and just needed someone by the bed to go back to sleep and two of mine needed lots of hugs and constant reassurance. I think it's important to try different things and not be ashamed to do what works for you.

Although, I cannot imagine how spanking a child, especially such a young baby would be conducive to getting them to sleep.

Good luck, in a few years time you'll probably miss being woken up at night anyway!