Super big reply! It's perhaps not as bad as it sounds, but it's just been difficult when in combination with what I have been going through at the moment.
I have been recently diagnosed (around January) after the first time with a proper potential suicide time. It was actually a releif at the time to be diagnosed, as like you it was great to know why I did and thought what I did. I am type 2, so many people have it worse in the mania, but it's still not always easy. So I was thinking I should go on medications then to help.
Unfortunately I then went into a longer term mania, where I "wanted" to not be bipolar as then it meant I am this way for the rest of my life. So I kind of tricked myself into believing that it could be stuff from my past (my dad was Type 1 bipolar (never a official diagnosis as he has never got help that I know)and my parents seperated when I was 9). If it was this then I could fix my problems and go on to have a normal life. It was during this time that my family have said about not becoming bipolar because you have a diagnosis. So it helped me avoid going onto meds, as I didn't want to just become it. So it's not entirely their fault - probably I would have not gone onto meds because of the mania. But it is hard as they said it now.
The problem is they saw me when I was younger, when I didn't have so big cycles (more from what I can gather the "normal" depression until early 20s). So I suspect this makes them believe more that I am reading too much into the diagnosis. I now live in a seperate country, so they don't see me much these days. I guess they haven't seen how much it's changed in my life.
The other problem is I haven't really mentioned about the 2 suicide attempts. So they're not fully informed about alll the stuff. But I just don't want them to worry or anything. It's strange, from trying to get so much attention in some of the mania periods, the suicide stuff is always very hard for me to talk about, unlike a lot of the other behaviour. I had it the other day, when with my doctor when we had a meeting to inform my boss on the condition and how it would affect me/ what to look out for him so he can raise the alarm if he sees problems. I avoided all talk about the suicide, and so my doctor "made" me talk about it, so he was informed fully.
I have discovered reading stuff from other bipolar people can help. I was reading a book the other day, and some of the stuff made me laugh a lot, as I was like "that's me"! Currently in depression, and thinking stuff about the future, and I have told people quite a few times "it's not the depression, it's just being realistic". And the author mentioned that they had that a lot as part of depression. Or during mania the ramping up of spending - small things that get bigger. Thankfully I am not really bad on the spending (although that's partly from being fortunate of having a good job in regards to pay, so I perhaps "get away" with being silly sometimes).
It's strange at the moment now that I have started with meds. It's like I'm thinking "I should be more out of control now", as although I have similar thoughts and impulses they are less powerful, and so I can fight them sucessfully. It's not always easy, but certainly easier. Also it feels like I need to "break" habits that have been made during the times of being out of control - it seems like I am almost wanting to do stuff out of habit rather than such strong impulses! So I need to now learn the habit of being in control more. I am a bit worried about what it will be like during periods of mania... will I keep on the meds, and what will it be like? But I guess I just have to see how things go. I am lucky to have a lot of medical support around me, and a good boss at work. I guess I have problems in that my family are distant, and I've now made things very hard with friends here. But I guess I just need to work at it.
How do people on here make big changes in their life? I am not sure if what I am feeling is real, and so don't know what to do in regards to that. The depression says you're just being realistic, and the mania makes you believe nothing can go wrong... so both feel like you're being right at that exact point! I know we need to wait a bit of time for big decisions... but what is normal?!
lol....yea..
....super duper big reply..
..sorry....just realized it today when i came back to the forum just now. I'm slipping into a hypo mania and it's one of the first signs...i start writing a lot...long and lengthy compulsions to express my thoughts. I'm kind of starting to go all over the place a bit with the internet and with different people and am now realizing i have to stop and look at what my impulses are and work on not letting them take control of me....Man, it's so weird how totally opposite it was for me just a week ago when i wouldn't even want to answer the phone speak to anyone or barely find the strength to type on the keyboard. A week ago, i came so close to attempting suicide and now i feel like life has meaning again and i have a drive to live.
i want to respond to some of the things you shared. i'll try my best to keep this short.
Ok, first of all....THis is all new to you, since you were recently diagnosed, but as time passes, you will understand yourself better and even be able to understand your past better as you learn to identify when it's the sickness "talking" and when it's the balanced normal you thinking clearly. When we're depressed, the delusion says that all is hopeless, pointless, futile and that the pain will never end. When in that plance, we can't imagine ever feeling normal again or happy or even a little content....in that state, we begin to think that there is no purpose to go on....that we're better off dead. But that's simply not true, that may feel like it's the reality we are experiencing but, its actually the "sickness" talking...why? because you will eventually come out of the depression as you always have and always will.
After going in and out of so many depressions and experiencing these same delusions, i have come to train myself to combat the delusion by reminding myself that even though i ALWAYS feel this way, i also ALWAYS come out of it and want to live again. It's almost like i have to train my logical and experiential part of my mind to tell my emotional mind that what i'm experiencing are not my true mind, but delusions that will pass and even though i want to die to escape the pain and so feel horrible, i eventually WILL want to live again once the chemicals get balanced. Even if i don't "feel any of it is "true", when i'm in that moment, i am able to hold on because i can't truly deny the past experiential memories that tell me i have always come out of the depressions and always will. And of course, here i am, living proof, that my delusion was not reality because i'm not longer depressed....i have come through it alive and well.
With mania, it's the complete opposite false belief, but a delusion nonetheless and, in many ways, perhaps more dangerous than the depression since you may feel that euphoria and invincibility in the begginning....it's seductive that way and can trick you into thinking you don't need to take your meds, get treatment or pay attention to the symptoms. It's so easy to just get swept away with the mania and again...you have to stop and train yourself and remember that that is the sickness talking not the balanced real you. The important thing is that you are finally getting treatment and talking about what you are going through. Even though it seems like it's getting harder or worse since the episodes may have become more severe or more frequent as the years went by, now that you know about it, are on meds and seeking treatment you will get a better handle on knowing what is what and identifying what you are truly going through, you will be able to manage the symptoms better and discerning the difference between the delusional mind and the sober mind, so in that way, it will get better, not worse. You will also become more resiliant. It's important that you stick with treatment and find a network of support. I lived with this illness for years without having the slightest clue i had a mental illness and the worst part was that when i'd get depressed, i'd hide it from everyone and dreaded that anyone, especially my family, would find out, so that kept me from seeking help which made my condition become more severe as time went by.
Anyway, there's more i could share about what i've learned, but i'll exercise some discipline now with my impulses and stop before i write another 3oo pages to you.
i hope you are well and continue walking towards a healthy, peaceful and fruitful path.
hello???? the anti depressant lost its efficacy....i'm on a high dose and still the depressions kept coming. My body obviously built a tolerance to it, but man o man, she just wouldn't budge on changing anything....all she kept pushing for was getting me on an anti-psychotic which sedated the crap out of me even though i've never been on anti-psychotics or was exhibiting psychotic behavior. 
