Constantly consumed by a completely irrational fear

[Beige Panda]

Hi everyone... pretty new to these forums.

I am an introvert. I'm fine with this, I don't see any problem with it. I am also single, and cool with that as well. I've learned to accept myself the way I am and be pretty content with my current situation.

However, there is one part of me that I am NOT happy with. At all. It has socially crippled me for 24 years. You'd probably call it shyness. I'm currently looking for a new church after being away from it for 2-3 years (long story, I might go through it in a different thread), and I'm having one heck of a time trying to find a place where I fit in. I can't just go up to someone and ask a question, and I DON'T KNOW WHY! I certainly can't start a conversation with someone - it just doesn't come naturally to me at all. I've been trying to change for at least a decade, and all it has gotten me is more and more frustration.

Even when I'm in a situation where I'm comfortable, I just can't seem to get anywhere with new people. Tonight, I took some swing dance lessons (I had been going for a few weeks, and this is the event that prompted this post). I picked it up quickly, women love dancing with me, my confidence is through the roof. So, I decide to stick around for the real, social dancing afterwards. Suddenly, when I have to ASK them to dance rather than being forced together, I freeze. I just can't do it. I know that they don't care that I'm new - I know that they'll have fun anyway - shoot, I even know that they love how tall I am and that I'm reasonably good looking - but something holds me back. I just can't bring myself to say three words and get things going. I never asked a single woman to dance with me - even though I had several of THEM ask ME to dance. Please note - I don't have to talk to them, I don't have to date them, I just have to dance with them. Something I already knew I could do, and I STILL couldn't force myself to do it.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of missing out on so much during the prime of my life, simply because of this stupid fear that just won't go away. I'm sick of having so much trouble doing something that seems to come naturally to everybody else. I'm sick of being looked down upon and silently ridiculed for not being able to man up and do these things. I need a plan, I need to change - but I have no idea where to begin. I'm not expecting to change overnight, but I'd really rather not be this way another ten years down the road. I've been praying about it for years - even when I was away from church. It almost feels hopeless, but I refuse to admit defeat.

If you have any advice... PLEASE help. Life isn't supposed to be like this.

 

[iarwain]

Hmm, the introverts have really been coming out around here lately. I'm an introvert also.

Beige, it is definitely NOT true that approaching new people comes naturally to everyone else. Some people have to work at it. You're pretty young yet, so this is something you have time to work on, and you can get better with practice.

The fact that you can dance well is something that can give you a big advantage when dealing with women. Girls who like to dance tend to like guys who can dance. Something you should keep in mind is that since you are a man, there is an expectation on you that you can be the one who is doing the asking. It's nice that some girls asked you to dance, but you need to be able to assert yourself as well, it's part of the masculine role. If you don't, I doubt that you'll ever be fully satisfied in your relationships.

Are there going to be any more swing dance events (I would love to do this myself but honestly I'm a lousy dancer)? Imagine the worst case scenario if you ask a girl to dance, the worst that can happen, and see if you can deal with it. And to ask a girl to dance isn't complicated, it's just "Would you like to dance?", should be easy, right? And there's always a shortage of guys who want to dance, that's why you see women dancing together a lot, so you represent a great opportunity for these girls.

The other thing I would say is do you have any friends to go with so maybe you and your friend or friends can approach some girls and ask them to dance together? That could help relieve some of your anxiety.

As for finding a church, I know what you mean. I was raised in a certain church, and while I enjoyed it, eventually I realized there were many doctrines of that denomination that I did not agree with. So I started going to different churches, looking for something that better suited me. I have to say as of yet I still haven't found it. But if you have trouble approaching people, I might suggest going to a smaller church. I've noticed that in small churches, when someone new shows up, people will notice that you're new and come up and introduce themselves to you. The downside to this is sometimes they get too much into your business for my tastes, but it's something to think about.

 

[Beige Panda]

I fully understand what is expected of me. I can typically assert myself around people that I already know - after all, I already know how they'll respond. I tend to command alot of respect from people around me, even though I'm not the most outgoing person in the world. It's the NEW people that I constantly have trouble with, and it takes me a LONG time to warm up to people, assuming they're even willing to give me a chance in the first place.

BTW, during the dance, it's practically impossible for them to say "no". In the swing dance circles, saying "no" to someone who asks you to dance is EXTREMELY rude. It's on the same level as spitting in someone's face. After all, everybody dances with everybody - old with young, tall with short, etc. The worst case scenario is that she won't enjoy herself as much as she will with a guy who's been doing this for years.

I hope I'm not giving the impression that this issue only happens with women, though - that just happened to be the event that really put my mind back on this problem I've been having for so long. I'm almost convinced that at some point during the past, I was conditioned this way, and I'm hoping SOMEBODY out there knows how to un-condition myself. I'll talk to some of my more outgoing friends about it and see if they can help in some way.

 

[iarwain]

I'll talk to some of my more outgoing friends about it and see if they can help in some way.

Hmm, ask an extrovert about it, that's an interesting idea. Let me know what they say, I'm curious. One of my best friends is an extrovert, but I doubt he could help me. Seems like their personalities are put together so much more differently than mine. They THRIVE on this social stuff.

I can talk to new people, but it's often awkward and painful. Like you said, it takes me awhile to warm up to people. It's mostly that I have to be around them for awhile before I can feel really relaxed and loose, and that's when communication becomes more natural. It looks to me like extroverts enter new relationships already loose and relaxed (because they're most comfortable in a social setting), that's why it's so easy for them.

By the way, I know that you are aware of what is expected of you. I wasn't trying to insult you. I was just suggesting using that knowledge as motivation.