confusion on boundaries

[spoony]

i need some advice on boundaries. im dating, (For the first time) and we've been together a while, about 5 months. my confusion lies with where a boundary should lie. we're both christian, but he comes from a group of christian friends( not false christians) who are very liberal when it comes to sexual boundaries, many of whom believe in 'everything but sex is ok'. i come from a smaller group of friends, who believe in not much more than kissing (BELIEVED in not much more than kissing. there were 4 of us christians (1 non christian) and of the christian, 1 had sex out side of a relationship, 1 isnt interested in boys (or girls!!!!) and the other hasnt experienced a relationship) the way i;m headed i'm scared of sex.

anyway.the purpose to this long topic is, how far do you guys think is too far? my boyfriend doesnt bully me into anything, my hormones do. i've continually overstepped my bondaries until i ignore them and set new ones. my boyfriend says it should be between me and God on where i set the boundaries, but uses his friends (who are also my friends) as examples of 'look, there is no 'this is right and this is wrong' boundary' (not peer pressuring me in, just showing me christians that arent following the trend) but he gets sad at me if i say i dont want to do anything because my friends dont (im a trend follower, i dont want to upset anyone with my actions... he'd get annoyed if he knew i was doing this, because once again i am going by popular vote rather than my own conversation between myself and god)

sorry if this is confusing and long, but i'm very confused and very worried that i'll go too far (have gone to far!) my boyfriend is very emotional too, which doesnt help. i dont like hurting him, he's so gentle (cries alot too) but soo good for me too.
thanks!

**note also, we have talked about marriage, and can see it very likely (its kinda scary), we dont talk about it to anyone else, but alot of our older, wiser christian friend/people come up to us and tell us we were made for each other and can see us married, (that freaked me out at first)... but with those that tell us we were made for each other, there are many that tell us we werent and try/tried to break us up.**

 

[HJK]

To start with, can I just assure you that the struggle you are experiencing is not unique! Many of my friends have gone through similar struggles, as have I.

You might have some people in the forums who will offer to give you firm guidelines ("don't let him do this, this and especially not THIS" ). I find it very hard to prescribe ways of behaving in situations like these.

I know that when my girlfriend and I, both being very committed christians, had to face the challenge of our physical relationship, it was really tough. And like you we also sometimes found ourselves shifting the boundaries more than we originally wanted to.

The one thing that kept us to our senses (which is not easy, with hormones raging) is that we kept asking ourselves and one another whether God could really be proud of our relationship. Were we, as a couple, being a good example of how God would like young people (who are not married, or engaged or anything like that) to behave? That is the first question I think you guys should honestly consider and discuss.

The other thing that I wanted to contribute (because I feel very strongly about this) is that I think sex should NEVER be an option before marriage. I realise that this view is continuously being challenged (also by other christians) but I really think that you should at least draw that line and be very clear and firm about it.

As for the rest, I hesitate to go into graphic details about what I personally think is acceptable and what not. Just remember that as christian couples we are called to set an example, and not to follow any examples set by our friends or peers. Your accountability regarding your physical relationship is to God. Are you becoming more and more holy, and can he be proud of what you guys are sharing physically?

Hope this helps!

 

[Wakeup2god]

Take a look at biblical principles. No sex outside of marriage. OK. No sexual immorality. What do you see as immoral? Paul says 'all is permissable but not all is beneficial'. It's up to you what you do, there are no set rules beyond the no sex rule. What you have to ask yourself is what is beneficial to a) your relationship to God above all, and b) your relationship with your fella.

Also listen to your conscience prefferably before and not after any action takes place. If you love one another then you'll consider each other in all ways, spiritulal (does it take away from your relationship with God), physical (are you ready for it), mentally (will you be guilt ridden or condemned after).

Walk closely with God and He'll direct yor paths.

 

[spoony]

thought i should add, both my boyfriend and i are 100% on no sex before marriage, i havent had to worry about it before, but i trust him, he's been in previous relationships where the girl has broken up with him because he will not have sex before marriage. theyve pushed him and pushed him and pushed him, but he wont budge, so im not so worried about sex, its more about where does it stop?

 

[seangoh]

thought i should add, both my boyfriend and i are 100% on no sex before marriage, i havent had to worry about it before, but i trust him, he's been in previous relationships where the girl has broken up with him because he will not have sex before marriage. theyve pushed him and pushed him and pushed him, but he wont budge, so im not so worried about sex, its more about where does it stop?

Hmm..are you talking about not just holding hands with your bf? You talking about hugging and kisses? Or more than that? Oh well, you don't have to answer. My advice is what you've said already - it's your conversation between you and God. God wants you to talk about these things to Him. And he will direct you to do what's right. And as mentioned before, to be a Christian is to follow Christ and be Christlike. It's not about following other people because other people can have their morals all screwed up sometimes. Ultimately it all boils down to your own integrity and your principles as you try to stand up among the crowd that is doing otherwise. Ask God to help you in this area.

Another thing is you said you freaked out when ppl talked about marriage between both of you? To me that's an amber light. Because dating is all about moving on towards marriage. It shouldn't be for fun. It is for a higher purpose. And if you're really uncomfortable about this, you might have to reconsider your present situation. Ultimately you'd want to marry your bf do you?

BTW, there's a book that i recommend. It's aptly called Boundaries in Dating

 

[gracefaith]

My rule of thumb: (I've posted it elsewhere - sorry if you've heard it already)

God gives us desires that are to be fufilled at the appointed time. Sexual desires are to be satisfied only within in the context of marriage. This means the second whatever you are doing stops being an act of affection (for either of you) and becomes instead a need that demands to satisfied, it's time to stop.

This sounds vague, I know, but we all recognize when we're turned on and just want more. Under God's law, we're not entitled to more. In fact, if you're seriously turned on, you've probably had more than you were supposed to already.

I really want to encourage you to stick to the virtuous path. If you have been putting yourself in danger of slipping, do something to rectify the situtation immediately! Don't be alone if you don't feel like you can control yourselves. But make no mistake, God gives us free will and we do have to be responsible for the choices we make. Take control and say "NO" to temptation.

Stick to your principles! It's so worth it.

 

[Grishnak]

to the OP

Id say without a marriage covenant that kissing and handholding is quite sufficient.

Sexual contact is only for that covenant.

If hes not pressuring you, you managed to stumble on quite a guy there.
Us gents will get to points where we let our hormones do some of the talking, but once we step back and survey the situation, we can see that we do love this person and are willing to wait until marriage.

If your getting hot and heavy and thats causing him to act inappropriately, then Id stop that behavior immediately.
I know from my past that Im thinking straight usually until something happens that gets me all fired up, then the brain cells shut down and you know who takes over

Just keep in mind that sex is reserved for a marriage covenant.
if you doing anything that is causing either of you to have your hormones going into overdrive, then maybe dont let it go that far.

There is another problem to tho.
Young men are turned on by just about everything.
Its not that we want to, its just that our hormones dont understand the word ''NO'' lots of times.
Even kissing can be quite the temptation at times.
You girls are just so soft and snuggly that we have a hard time having any physical contact and not having things gong thru our heads....which makes matters even worse.

Id sit down with him and talk WITH him about this, not AT him.
Try to explain how you feel and ask him how you 2 could work on the situation.
If he feels like hes part of the solution for now, then that may make him more likely to play his part much better

 

[spoony]

hey guys, thanks heaps for the advice. it was really weird. he came to me tonight, (out of his way, he's a state league basketballer, but he skipped the end of his training so he could catch me as i left my training) and he wanted to talk. and he was saying how he'd been thinking and he wants to cool down. he doesnt want all our time to be making out. he wants to play computer games, go for walks, sit by the river, shoot around, stuff like that, and only make out (but nothing serious) on really special occasions like anniversaries. he was totally serious and even apologised for being male and letting his hormones get in the way. then he even said he wanted to make sure we sat down together once a week for a good 30 minutes or so and read the bible together and talk about it. i'm kinda blown away. it solved all my problems in one hit (and now i can keep him to what he said...!) still, ive gotta be strong too, and stick to my morals and not get caught up in hormones....tonight was all a little wierd. he's still not keen on me talking to my best friend (but thats more because my best friend is a notorious player, (he's a struggling but passionate christian))) anyway. thanks guys. night all!