Confused

[ElizabethanLady]

Hi everyone.
I can't sleep, woke up with a headache, LOL.

I am confused.

I am drawing closer to the Lord. I attend an Apostolic church, and although I don't agree with every tiny thing they say, (I wear make-up, for instance), I do agree with 90% of it.

Anyway, I have a fiance and I asked one of the church members if she thought the pastor would marry us. She said no, because I have been divorced and my husband is still living.

This freaks me out because I know it's the Bible....I won't be able to get married again! I wanted to give my kids a great step-dad.

But this isn't even the WORST of it!!! I have been married 3 times!

The first time I wasn't a Christian, and I just got married to get away from home. Didn't even last a year. But he is still alive, as far as I know.

Then I got married again and was married for ten years. I went through a period of intense anxiety and fear, actually I think I nearly had a nervous breakdown. It was during this period I divorced him. He is still alive.

Then I got married again and had children. I got another divorce.

I don't know what this all means......but I don't feel free now to marry anyone.

Looking on the bright side, though, that needn't prevent us being a family. We can be companions without being married or having relations. We can live near each other and see each other every day and just have a great relationship without marriage or sex.

Will he do that? That remains to be seen but I think so..........

 

[ElizabethanLady]

Can I get some feedback?

 

[Leanna]

That doesn't sound like a good arrangement to me, I would get married. You haven't even asked the actual pastor yet.

 

[cazza]

Everyone deserves a chance at being happy. Is your fiance a Christian? if so I don't see a problem. You should seek pre marital counseling and if this church won't help you become the best Christian you can be then find another church.

 

[oldrooster]

Amen to that......

 

[ElizabethanLady]

But the Bible says that if you divorce and marry another man, you are committing adultery.
It's there - how do you get around it?

I don't know if I've been going around with blinders on or not. I guess I feel like I've sinned so much in my lifetime that...well it's hard to explain.

Anyway I tried talking to my SO today and he left, so I guess it's a moot point now.

 

[Leanna]

Did you forget about the woman at the well? She had many husbands and a guy she was living with and Jesus forgave her. It is obvious you can't go back and remarry three guys. You are a Christian now and you are a new creation. God gives you forgiveness for your sins, please accept that and find a church where you can move forward with your life.

 

[desi]

How many marriages have to fail? Unless you find out what about you is unable to be married for life and deal with it you are doomed to fail again. This is exceedingly hard to do, perhaps why the Bible suggests divorced people should not remarry.

 

[bkg]

Did you forget about the woman at the well?

Forgiveness, yes. I agree. However, I'm not sure that you'll find any evidence to suggest that Jesus told her to go get Married again.

Desi's comment is 100% spot on. It's only when we look in the mirror and really understand who we are as a person that we will ever learn what we brought to the relationship and how we caused problems that ultimately lead to divorce. Too many people bounce from one person to another w/o looking at themselves... and because of that will continue to bounce from relationship to relationship.

I respect the church for taking a stance - a Biblical one at that. We can all cry and whine about it, but the fact of the matter is that God gave some pretty detailed commands about divorce and remarriage. YEs, there is forgiveness, Jesus was very clear when forgiving that we are to "go and sin no more". So to get upset over the churches stance, well, that's foolish.

I fully anticipate that my church will not marry me... unless it was to my ex-wife. And why should they? Why should churches conform to our society rather than God's word?

 

[charligirl]

I have somewhat different views to many on marriage and remarriage. My husband was married before me, but was not saved when his first wife divorced him. Jesus' comments on the subject were actually directed at believers, if you become a christian AFTER divorce then when you are saved you are forgiven all your sins and become a new creation.

When I was looking into this I came across this teaching.. It refers in particular to 1 Cor 7 where Paul talks about marriage, divorce and remarriage.. which I have posted inthe past perhaps it will be helpful.

Paul uses the imperative verb in the Greek for v 1-2 which states that 'each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband'.. the imperative verb is best rendered 'let each man have his own wife', a general principle, NOT a binding moral command otherwise we would have to argue that we should ALL be married.. obviously that is not the case!

By the same token then we have to relook at verses 1 Cor 7 v 12-15 where Paul also uses the imperative form, which does not suggest the command of 'must not divorce' rather the counsel and guideline of 'let him not divorce'. It is a rule which we should make every effort to comply - but it does not say there are never exceptions.

In verses 27-28 the translation on the original Greek for the term 'unmarried' in verse 27 it literally means "released from a wife" rather than "never been married" and uses the identical root verb employed in the expression the NIV renders "seek a divorce" in the previous sentance.

The NEB has a more accurate translation, "are you bound in marrige? do not seek a dissolution. Has your marriage been dissolved? Do not seek a wife" This is critical because it means the next sentance is speaking to divorcees - and it says 'but if you do marry you are not sinning'

The book is called 'Should i get married?' by M Blaine Smith so if you want to look into it further then it's worth a read.


Despite all this I think Desi has a point, it's one thing to make a mistake and then remarry and stick at it, but with 3 marriages behind you perhaps that needs more looking in to - either there is something about marriage that comes up in you to make it fail... or you have a habit of going for the wrong men. Either way it needs prayer and healing before you embark in it again... particularly in view of some of the other posts you have made about your fiance and the differences of opinion you hold.

 

[bkg]

Great Post, CharlieGirl...

bkg

 

[ElizabethanLady]

Thanks for your responses.

I'm just very depressed right now, to think that I will have to go through life alone in that sense.
Not to mention my children not having a stepfather.

This is the worst thing in the world to me because I grew up without a Dad. My Dad was dead, so it's different but I still get the same feeling that there should be a man in the home.

I don't know what to do. I'm so torn up inside to think that he left us. I know it was insulting to ask him to sleep elsewhere because I didn't want to "shack up" anymore; but why just run off?
I felt like a fool because I know he doesn't understand.

And then I think of where Jesus said if you look at a woman with lust you have already committed adultery in your heart.

So all these people that have only been married one time, I guess they have never looked at another woman, either, to be able to claim they've never committed adultery.

Of course, it isn't the same thing.

I'm just very depressed at the way my BF left, he just walked out and said "I'm not wanted here."

It looks like he could have a little respect for my desire to live a good life although we haven't talked about it much. It just looks like he would say, sure, why not; instead of getting offended and leaving.
It wasn't that big of a deal.

I haven't heard from him; I don't know what to do about ANYTHING. At times I feel like the 3 of us (me and my 2 kids) are all alone in the world with no one.
I'm very sad.
I think of moving, but where would I live?

I have no family.

 

[charligirl]

A few questions run through my mind, are you in a church who can pray with you/support you through this? Have you ever been on your own for any lengtrh of time, or did you marry quite quickly after each divorce? At what age did you marry the first time?

You say you grew up without a father, that alone for a woman can lead to all sorts of wrong relationships, we learn how to relate to men and work at marriage from our parents and in particular our fathers, if your role model deserted the family (I relaise he died but in reality that can feel like desertion)you may well have issues that you need to deal with regarding men - before you are able to really choose the right one and make a marriage work.

have you read 'The Lady, her lover and her Lord'? by TD Jakes? great book, looks at what we should be getting from God, how we should love ourselves and what role a husband has to play.

Sounds like you may well need to be alone for a while and learn to love yourself and cling to God, having no stepfather/husband is far better than having the wrong one.. or worse a number of them! You need to learn to have God as your husband and provider, before you can make a healthy match with a man.

Do you have a womens group or a prayer partner who can pray with you through this?

 

[SirKenin]

But the Bible says that if you divorce and marry another man, you are committing adultery.
It's there - how do you get around it?

You don't get around it.. You can't add to and subtract from the Bible to suit your fancies and lifestyle, unfortunately.

The truth is if you divorce and get remarried for anything outside of adultery or your unbelieving partner leaving, then you commit adultery, which is a sin and against one of the Commandments. Living in a state of perpetual sin is a problem. Adulteresses/Adulterers will not inherit the Kingdom of God (1 Cor 6:9). I can understand why the pastor won't marry you, especially if they have such a view on makeup.

The bigger thing to focus on is betterment of yourself. There's a reason you had three marriages fail, and it wasn't all your partners fault. There's a problem that needs to be addressed, and unless you do so, this relationship won't last either, even if you do get talked into believing against God's Word.

Best wishes to you.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

before you are able to really choose the right one and make a marriage work.

Little late for that, LOL.
Ironically, I turned to my best friend and while she was attempting to counsel me, she reminded me that HER husband had been divorced.

So, she is living in an adulterous marriage although I wouldn't know what to do about that because they've been married ten years and have a child together.

Yes my childhood had alot to do with it.
My Father was killed and my Mother COULD HAVE married again but she never so much as DATED again.
Nothing.
When he was killed it was the end of our family.

I grew up full of rage. Rage that my Father had been killed (my Mother's words to me were "it was God's will) that he died - I thought:
WHAT ABOUT US???

Anyway, she never dated or anything after that, although she certainly COULD HAVE.
It made me so mad.
There my Dad got killed and she wouldn't even remarry.

I can recall when I got grown-up I vowed I would NEVER be without a man in the house! I wasn't promiscuous, but I vowed that I would always be married.
Thus, 3 marriages.
As far as I know my first husband is still alive so technically I guess I'm still "married" to him.........

My BF does not have these problems. Probably the best thing for me to do would be to not bother him again, let him go and maybe he will find somebody he can marry.


That's all I know to do.......I don't know how I am going to go on alone. I have never done it. Of course I never had children, either, and they give you a reason to live.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

I just talked to my BF on the phone. He says this church has "brainwashed" me and that a church does not pull families apart.

He is coming home tomorrow.

When I got married before I wasn't walking in the light of God's wisdom and I wasn't baptized in Jesus' name and filled with the spirit.

I just hope that God will forgive me earlier sins and understand that I need a father for my children, and we are a family.

I love people, I don't want to do anything wrong, but we need each other, we were a family. We were going to get married.

All I can do is ask God to forgive me.

 

[charligirl]

So you live by your self proclaimed life commandment that you would always be married... but perhaps never had the skills to make the marriages work and still carry much anger, perhaps towards your Father for dying, to your Mother for how she dealt with it and how she contined in her life and possibly towards God (if you believed your Mother's explanation that is). What an awful lot to carry on your shoulders - and you have your own children who you are trying to get it right for too - my heart goes out to you, it must be hard.

No man, no husband can be all that you are wanting him to be... every man is human. Many women are looking for something in a man that he is just not eqiuipped to give a wife, because he was never designed to. Some things can ONLy be got from within yourself and from God, if you keep looking to men to get that security and protection you will end up even more lonely and disappointed.

I can't help but think that perhaps this is your time, the time to break away from the life commandment that you have spoken over your life, and start to walk free from all the pain and rage into a place where you love yourself, you walk closer to God and draw from Him for your love, provision and protection. It's only when you can be alone and lean on God, learn some self love and independence, learn that the world will not fall apart without a husband, that you will start to be able to live the victorious life that God has for you - and only then will you be ready for God's man in your life.

How do you go on alone? you cry out to God, you find a good supportive church that preaches good food, you make friends with godly women who can support you and pray with you, you read books on God's love, perhaps you see a counsellor to dela with some of the childhood issues and you pray, for God's healing and protection and love.

Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted and set free those who were captive - seems to me that you are both.

 

[charligirl]

I just talked to my BF on the phone. He says this church has "brainwashed" me and that a church does not pull families apart.

He is coming home tomorrow.

When I got married before I wasn't walking in the light of God's wisdom and I wasn't baptized in Jesus' name and filled with the spirit.

I just hope that God will forgive me earlier sins and understand that I need a father for my children, and we are a family.

I love people, I don't want to do anything wrong, but we need each other, we were a family. We were going to get married.

All I can do is ask God to forgive me.

God does forgive, but it's hard for him to hel you if you walk back intothe same situation.

Is your bf a christian? How long have you been together? Have you recently become a christian (I mean since your last divorce?)

 

[ElizabethanLady]

The thing is: if one is damned to hell for divorce and remarriage without cause, I am already damned.
I got married the second time when my first husband was still alive.

So if ONE ACT....one sin, will send you to hell, then there is nothing I can even do now. Because I have been married 3 times already.

So if there is no forgiveness, I'm going to hell anyway.


Had I known....that the Lord wants you to be married only once, I would have used greater care. I didn't know. But if multiple marriages while unsaved will send you to hell, why then should someone who has NEVER HEARD THE GOSPEL...never been saved....why should they accept the Lord if they are already damned by their multiple marriages?

God does forgive, but it's hard for him to hel you if you walk back intothe same situation.

That is true; however, now I know the real meaning, etc. of marriage and I know - had already decided - that this would be THE LAST.
That's it.
Marriage is sacred and that's the bottom line. I am walking in greater light of wisdom and I believe that the Lord knows my heart and that I am not willfully breaking what he has commanded, because I have already had multiple marriages.

This one will be for life.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

Is your bf a christian? How long have you been together? Have you recently become a christian (I mean since your last divorce?)

We have known each other about two years now. Yes, he is a Christian but he prefers Baptist churches, LOL.
My last divorce: I had gotten away from God. I had backslid and thank God he is drawing me closer.
I was in sin when I divorced; I was in sin when I married.

Unfortunately I have never been steadfast. During my marriages I would attend church and read the Bible but when my marriages ended I didn't understand that divorce was a sin.

That probably sounds stupid but it's the truth.....

......I don't want to go to hell. I want to to go Heaven. I need to pray. I love the Lord but I also know He said if you love me, keep my commandments.

I do the best I can.