Confused

[ElizabethanLady]

WHOA... Despite anything else that has been written, encouraging or discouraging to your situation... If your divorce has just become final, I fear that you are not healed from that situation and not ready to jump into another marriage. I just see red flags all over the place on this one, even w/o bringing Biblical teaching into the discussion.

Question (personal - and you don't have to answer)... Have you ever been "alone"? Have you ever been w/o a husband/boyfriend for an extended period (year +) in your life?

My divorce has been final about a year and a half now.
I lived with him the last three or four years just for the kids.

Have I ever been "alone?" Not really; other than when I was little and my Dad was dead.

As an adult I have always sought male companionship.

 

[charligirl]

My divorce has been final about a year and a half now.
I lived with him the last three or four years just for the kids.

Have I ever been "alone?" Not really; other than when I was little and my Dad was dead.

As an adult I have always sought male companionship.

I am not going to repeat my previous posts but you really, really must spend some time alone, at least year, learn to love yourself and God, otherwise I fear this will be another failed relationship and where would you be then?

 

[ElizabethanLady]

If I gave the impression I don't love myself then I gave the wrong impression.
Ditto for the Lord.

Yes it would probably be a good idea to spend a year alone. But I felt such guilt over my divorce. I felt I was depriving them of a Father (like me).
And his behavior is so atrocious I panicked and sought a decent MALE role model asap to counteract what he was doing.....(right after our separation.)

.....yes I do love myself and I love people. I guess I do need to do that if I can find a way....or else I'll just make a way and let the chips fall where they may.

Sometimes I think I should just take off hiking and see where I end up. Only thing is I have them and I don't want to lose custody. I have to provide them with a decent place to live.

I'm trying to get a job now.

 

[SirKenin]

Further to what charligirl has just stated, I would suggest seeking professional help, such as that of a counsellor or psychiatrist perhaps. Your dependency on men and male companionship is not considered normal, and really needs to be addressed.

It really sounds like you have been psychologically traumatized and need to seek the help of someone who can help you through what must be a most difficult issue for you.

 

[bkg]

Have I ever been "alone?" Not really; other than when I was little and my Dad was dead.

As an adult I have always sought male companionship.

I have no experience with kids, so I can't comment on the health of "having a guy around" for them, but I do want to comment on this.

I was kind of afraid that this was going to be your answer. I have someone in my life who has been the same way. Never alone for more than a few weeks (maybe a couple of months) since she was 14. She's never had a relationship make it - she always finds out a year, two, three years into the relationship that she's not happy. She will maybe meet someone else, the grass will look greener and she hopes that things will be better for her "over there". But they are not, because the problem is not the man she is leaving, but her inability to be alone.

When we can't be alone - w/o another human - we find ourselves compromising a lot just to be with someone else. I've done it, I'm sure many of us have. And as an outsider, it weighs heavy on my heart to see people go through this, especially those that I care dearly about.

Until you can define yourself OUTSIDE of the person you are with, you may well never have that "perfect" relationship, find that perfect mate, or ever be completely happy and content. This isn't meant to rebuke you at all! But rather to emplore you to find your center, your self, your humanness and your peace alone, before looking for another relationship/marriage.

If you can replace your "need" to be with a man, with a need to be with God, you should find the healing and love that you are craving...

 

[SirKenin]

I like what bkg just said, and it's true.. That's why I always "preach" about seeking the path to inner peace. It might sound like a cliche by now but it's so true. Until you have acquired peace and harmony within yourself you will never be able to develop a positive, uplifting relationship with anyone else. You will always tear it apart.

We must become as one with the Tao. Hahaha. That still kills me.

 

[SirKenin]

Oh, and if you're concerned about having a role model for the kids, consider Big Brothers or Big Sisters rather than a destructive relationship with a manipulative man. There are also good Christian organizations around, such as the Christian Service Brigade, depending on the age and sex of your children.

 

[charligirl]

Very well said bkg!

ElizabethanLady, I used to have to have a man in my life, I went from relationship to relationship without more than a couple of months in between, I was a confident attractive girl, I had more than enough self esteem..... or so I thought. Although I did love myself there was still a gaping wound within me that i sought to fill with male companionship, when I should have been going to God. As I said before, NO man can fill that gap because they were not designed to fill it, only God can do that. I went to counselling, i spent 6 months single.. I was told that I should make it another 6 months, I remember laughing out loud!! but I did say to God, 'whatever it takes I will not date until I meet someone worthy of marriage'..... well NINE YEARS LATER and I met my husband!! I learnt alot in those nine years, including how to be alone without being lonely and how to lean on God for my comfort/support/protection.

Now I don't have children yet so I can see how you must have been pulled inside to do what you did, but my suggestion is that whilst you had their best intentions at heart, perhaps they were also the reason/excuse for never being alone.. I suspect that even if you did not have children things would be the same.

I would urge you to trust God and let go, step out as a single woman, trust Him to find you a job, a church and a group of supportive christian women (which you will need!) Trust Him to be husband AND FATHER. your children will be far better off with God as Father and you as a healed whole monther than with you in the wrong relationship with another step father.

I still get a real sense that THIS is YOUR time to make a change and break the pattern of the past. God bless, I'll be praying.

 

[bkg]

I like what bkg just said, and it's true.. That's why I always "preach" about seeking the path to inner peace. It might sound like a cliche by now but it's so true. Until you have acquired peace and harmony within yourself you will never be able to develop a positive, uplifting relationship with anyone else. You will always tear it apart.

And no one will ever know how much it pains me to admit that you are rubbing off...



LOL!

 

[SirKenin]

rofl I hope that's a good thing?

 

[bkg]

rofl I hope that's a good thing?

I shall never say...

 

[nuarc]

I agree with those who say that it may be time to spend some time alone with yourself. Jumping from one relationship to another "for the sake of the children" is an excuse. When will it end? What do you think the kids will think of you when they are older?
Enlist the help of a good christian counselor and work on you. When the right man comes along there wont be another. Spend a little time alone, and get to know yourself. You have been getting great advice here- i hope you are considering it.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

I have no experience with kids, so I can't comment on the health of "having a guy around" for them, but I do want to comment on this.

I was kind of afraid that this was going to be your answer. I have someone in my life who has been the same way. Never alone for more than a few weeks (maybe a couple of months) since she was 14. She's never had a relationship make it - she always finds out a year, two, three years into the relationship that she's not happy. She will maybe meet someone else, the grass will look greener and she hopes that things will be better for her "over there". But they are not, because the problem is not the man she is leaving, but her inability to be alone.

When we can't be alone - w/o another human - we find ourselves compromising a lot just to be with someone else. I've done it, I'm sure many of us have. And as an outsider, it weighs heavy on my heart to see people go through this, especially those that I care dearly about.

Until you can define yourself OUTSIDE of the person you are with, you may well never have that "perfect" relationship, find that perfect mate, or ever be completely happy and content. This isn't meant to rebuke you at all! But rather to emplore you to find your center, your self, your humanness and your peace alone, before looking for another relationship/marriage.

If you can replace your "need" to be with a man, with a need to be with God, you should find the healing and love that you are craving...

Thanks for the post........I thought I'd gotten over my Father's death, but.....I guess I really haven't.

It's hard to believe something could last this long.


Another interesting thing: my sister reacted in the exact opposite way. She's never been married....never even been ON A DATE to my knowledge!

 

[charligirl]

I do remember reading a great book called 'Women and their Fathers' sorry can't remember the author. I found it very helpful in understanding why I reacted in the way I did to things and how my Father's temperament, personality and time (or lack of it) shaped me. I'm sure it also covered 'absent' Fathers as well, worth a read.

 

[Leanna]

So a person who is remarried, what are they to do? If they get divorced from their second wife and return to the first, then they just divorced again. If they stay where they are you say they are living in sin. Is there no hope for them? Do you have an answer for this that fits into your little box?

I think the general idea is that you're not supposed to get into that trap in the first place. That's why Biblical guidelines are put in place. However, there needs to be some qualification to your little booby trap, as there is not enough information. You are more interested in attempting to corner me than you are discerning Biblical truths and divulging enough information to sufficiently answer your questions.

For instance... What about the example of someone who divorced when they were not a Christian and remarried, then found Christ? They discover what the Bible says about divorce and suddenly find themselves in a predicament. I believe that we are to stay in the position we were in when we were called to salvation.

However, say you callously disregarded the message of the Bible? Say you knew that the Bible said it was wrong to remarry and you did it anyways? You will be judged at the Final Judgement based upon your knowledge. Whether you inherit the Kingdom of God or not will ultimately be up to God, but certainly the Bible gives us sufficient hints as to the answer to that.

The Bible does tell us not to divorce our wives unless in the case of adultery or if the unbelieving partner leaves. If both are believers the second one doesn't qualify. However, if one or both did not divorce for Biblical reasons, one or both have committed adultery by remarrying. Therefore I would think that was sufficient justification to divorce and remain single, living your life for Christ as opposed to yourself.

See, if you were following the commands of the Bible to begin with, like you're supposed to, you wouldn't find yourself in such a bind. This is what happens when people casually disregard the Bible as not having the answers. They find themselves in a new (and in this case adulterous) bind.

Is there hope for them? I don't know. Only God holds the answer to that. The Bible tells us that the adulterous will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. If I had to go strictly by that, I would say therein lies your answer. I myself must be careful not to judge though, only God can do that, so I will only say turn to the Bible and prayer for your answer.

This is your answer? People are to "not fall into the trap?" Is anyone without sin? Once you sin you are beyond redemption? Wouldn't that be an easy answer for every sin? Is divorce an unforgivable sin? I am not trying to give you a booby trap, I am trying to get you to think of what you are saying. You can't answer my question because you are wrong. If a man who grows up Christian gets married, gets divorced, and gets remarried, no matter the circumstances, God can and will still forgive him. After he asks for forgiveness he is forgiven and he needs to stay with his current wife and he is not then living in sin. But you misunderstand me if you think I am saying that people should sin and just expect forgiveness later. Have you never sinned? I have sinned and I am glad that God didn't give up on me. I gave up on Him and I have to live with the consequences of my sin, but God still gives grace also. Did you miss all parts of the Bible that talks about this?

 

[SirKenin]

This is your answer? People are to "not fall into the trap?" Is anyone without sin? Once you sin you are beyond redemption? Wouldn't that be an easy answer for every sin? Is divorce an unforgivable sin? I am not trying to give you a booby trap, I am trying to get you to think of what you are saying. You can't answer my question because you are wrong. If a man who grows up Christian gets married, gets divorced, and gets remarried, no matter the circumstances, God can and will still forgive him. After he asks for forgiveness he is forgiven and he needs to stay with his current wife and he is not then living in sin. But you misunderstand me if you think I am saying that people should sin and just expect forgiveness later. Have you never sinned? I have sinned and I am glad that God didn't give up on me. I gave up on Him and I have to live with the consequences of my sin, but God still gives grace also. Did you miss all parts of the Bible that talks about this?

The Bible warns us against testing God's grace. Did you not read that? What was God's reaction to the Israelites tempting Christ, sinning intentionally to see what God would do? They were killed by snakes. In other words, they fell out of God's blessing. This is in 1 Cor 10. What happened to Sapphira when she tested God's grace in Acts 5? She fell down dead.

Asking for forgiveness for the sin of adultery, yet continuing to live in adultery on an ongoing basis is testing God's grace and tempting Christ. When we seek forgiveness for our sins, we are to turn our back to sin and start anew, not continue living as we did before.

He who sins sexually sins against his own body, but your body is not yours, it is a temple of the Holy Spirit.. (1 Cor 6) Participating in an adulterous relationship is sexually immoral and a sin against God. It also disqualifies us from the blessings of God (1 Cor 10). To say God blesses an adulterous relationship is anti-Biblical.

So, your concept of remaining in an adulterous relationship does not hold any Biblical water, nor does it adhere to Biblical principals of grace and forgiveness.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

sking for forgiveness for the sin of adultery, yet continuing to live in adultery on an ongoing basis is testing God's grace and tempting Christ. When we seek forgiveness for our sins, we are to turn our back to sin and start anew, not continue living as we did before.

He who sins sexually sins against his own body, but your body is not yours, it is a temple of the Holy Spirit.. (1 Cor 6) Participating in an adulterous relationship is sexually immoral and a sin against God. It also disqualifies us from the blessings of God (1 Cor 10). To say God blesses an adulterous relationship is anti-Biblical.[/QUOTE]

I believe that.
However, I am trying to work it out without devastating my BF. I have sinned against HIM by asking him to move down here, then telling him we cannot get married.

He totally does not understand.

He thinks it is this specific church; he doesn't realize that EVERY church teaches this (unless they're errant...)

I'm trying to find a way to keep us together without sinning and without losing the touch of God I have been feeling.....I don't know how or what but there must be an answer. I don't want to sin, though.

I've asked him for time.

He doesn't want me to go back to this church but I like it.

 

[SirKenin]

Your church and your faith is more important than any boyfriend. Any man who's worth his salt will understand that and not impede your pursuit of faith and righteousness.

 

[bkg]

Asking for forgiveness for the sin of adultery, yet continuing to live in adultery on an ongoing basis is testing God's grace and tempting Christ. When we seek forgiveness for our sins, we are to turn our back to sin and start anew, not continue living as we did before.

<snip>

So, your concept of remaining in an adulterous relationship does not hold any Biblical water, nor does it adhere to Biblical principals of grace and forgiveness.

Actually, I think you have to walk a fine line here.

If a person remarries, let's say, and they are convicted that it is an adulterous relationship, are you suggesting that they divorce that person (which God HATES)? Thereby breaking a covenant that the person entered into, even if they've done so via adultery?

You might be trading one sin for another sin... which is worse in that situation? Which one will NOT test God's grace?

I don't think it's wise that a person who has divorced and remarried to divorce again. I cannot, at this point, back this up biblically. It just seems like a pandora's box.

I firmly believe that if one has divorced, he/she should avoid sin by not remarrying. But to suggest that person should divorce... I don't know... I need more evidence and argument on that one.

 

[SirKenin]

Actually, I think you have to walk a fine line here.

If a person remarries, let's say, and they are convicted that it is an adulterous relationship, are you suggesting that they divorce that person (which God HATES)? Thereby breaking a covenant that the person entered into, even if they've done so via adultery?

You might be trading one sin for another sin... which is worse in that situation? Which one will NOT test God's grace?

I don't think it's wise that a person who has divorced and remarried to divorce again. I cannot, at this point, back this up biblically. It just seems like a pandora's box.

I firmly believe that if one has divorced, he/she should avoid sin by not remarrying. But to suggest that person should divorce... I don't know... I need more evidence and argument on that one.

The basis for that comment is that we are permitted to divorce in the case of adultery. Marrying someone who did not divorce for Biblical reasons is committing adultery, and it causes that person to commit adultery. (Matt 19) Adulterers/Adulteresses will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven (1 Cor 6)

So, the way I see it, there would be Biblical grounds for leaving that person and returning to a life of celibacy or whatever your situation warrants to adhere to Biblical principals. I don't believe that you would be sinning in that case. I can see no evidence to the contrary. Not from what I can see in the Bible.

Which is worse? Divorcing to adhere to Biblical principals, or living in a state of perpetual sin, testing God and falling out of God's grace?