confused, please help

[reminiscence]

I'm sorry for the late reply. Thinking about this these days has brought a lot of stress, that I've sort of been trying to avoid reading about it, because I'm afraid I won't have anything good to say back. I guess I fear that my heart is so stuck, my responses will also be hesitant. And I know that, and I guess I'm embarrassed that I asked for help when I feel so... well stuck.

@Bootstrap
Honestly...I'm not sure what he needs. lol I ask him but he doesn't seem to want to speak his mind. Or maybe he doesn't want anything for himself...or maybe he only wants him to take care of himself. Although I do have a question...do you think depression could play a huge role (I should know this but I'm biased) in all this? Not just him not speaking his mind, but his whole attitude.

I'm sure I could discuss with him my needs though. At least so he'd understand what hurts me. Maybe that would be a better way to go about it than trying to understand what he means.

The conflict part is really hard to explain. If i don't explain it enough, people would think I'm insane. lol But if I spoke too much, then I'm afraid of giving too much information over the internet.
I guess one thing I can say is goes back to the burden. Perhaps I shouldn't have let my heart get so involved, and stick solely to praying.

Oh no...Yes it has been somewhat physical. I think the reason I said it that way was because someone asked what about be different if we took away the physical part and then made it platonic. What else would be gone.

Yea...I do think I look more towards emotions and him towards the intellect. Although to make things more confusing...when I suggested to him that we step back a bit, I was using more my intellect and him his emotions when he said he just couldn't not show affection. Maybe I just feel like he's being choosy about which parts of the relationships he can be "emotional". I don't know.

I do know that many of his issues are due to depression. I guess some of it...I'm unsure of.

Anyways, I appreciate everyone's help. :o

I'm only going to say one thing, but I hope you think about it:

Before I knew how old you were, I thought we were talking about a 14 year old boy.

haha I know what you mean. It's funny and sad at the same time...

 

[rppearso]

Your not having sex with him so im having a hard time understanding what all the reference is to the physical apsects of this relationship, I mean is it just hugs or maybe a kiss becuase I will tell you now guys dont get much out of that (other than arroused and frustrated) so im not understanding how thats a "benifit", usually a friends with benifits is a very sexual friendship. It sounds like you guys are just really good friends. Maybe im missing something here.

 

[waxlion10]

Your not having sex with him so im having a hard time understanding what all the reference is to the physical apsects of this relationship, I mean is it just hugs or maybe a kiss becuase I will tell you now guys dont get much out of that (other than arroused and frustrated) so im not understanding how thats a "benifit", usually a friends with benifits is a very sexual friendship. It sounds like you guys are just really good friends. Maybe im missing something here.

I'm not making any judgments about the OP but want to point out that there are MANY physical things one can do besides sexual intercourse, things one would never do with just a "very good friend." Without prying or making the OP uncomfortable, I just wanted to point out that if she says it's "physical" but they're not having sex, we should just take her at her word

 

[rppearso]

I guess you could make out or whatever but if there is not some kind of sexual release then its not a benifit and should not be refered to as such. It makes him sound like a smuck when people say he is using her for "the physical aspects" making it sound like he is using her for sex when that is in fact not happening, when you are vauge about what is going on its easier to spin things and make the message deceptive, if anything she is getting more out of the make out session than he is, he is just getting frustrated. The way I see it if a man can not have his sexual needs met before the wedding why is it ok for a woman to have her needs met before the wedding where by she has a lagitimate case to deny him but can get what she needs for the time being. I think there is more going on here, I think they just both need to sit down and have a honest discussion about what they want and go from there.

I'm not making any judgments about the OP but want to point out that there are MANY physical things one can do besides sexual intercourse, things one would never do with just a "very good friend." Without prying or making the OP uncomfortable, I just wanted to point out that if she says it's "physical" but they're not having sex, we should just take her at her word

 

[Bootstrap]

And I know that, and I guess I'm embarrassed that I asked for help when I feel so... well stuck.

Hmmm, that's usually the time that I ask for help ...

@Bootstrap
Honestly...I'm not sure what he needs. lol I ask him but he doesn't seem to want to speak his mind. Or maybe he doesn't want anything for himself...or maybe he only wants him to take care of himself. Although I do have a question...do you think depression could play a huge role (I should know this but I'm biased) in all this? Not just him not speaking his mind, but his whole attitude.

Absolutely. Depressed people don't have a lot of motivation, they often don't know what they want, or how to move in that direction even if they do know. And if he's really depressed, he may also feel worthless, like he shouldn't "drag you down" with him.

*** BUT *** I don't know him, and it may be hard for him to talk about this and explain where he's coming from if he's depressed. A depressed person might *not* act just like I described in the first paragraph above.

I'm sure I could discuss with him my needs though. At least so he'd understand what hurts me. Maybe that would be a better way to go about it than trying to understand what he means.

I think it is *usually* best for each partner to teach the other how to love them, to explain their needs, and to let the other person know you want to understand what they need too. I think it is *seldom* good for a person to try to figure out another person if that person isn't interested in explaining themselves, at least in adult relationships. Yes, relationships can develop to where they don't need all the words and all the steps in between, but I don't think most relationships start out that way.

Oh no...Yes it has been somewhat physical. I think the reason I said it that way was because someone asked what about be different if we took away the physical part and then made it platonic. What else would be gone.

Gotcha - I misread this earlier.

Yea...I do think I look more towards emotions and him towards the intellect. Although to make things more confusing...when I suggested to him that we step back a bit, I was using more my intellect and him his emotions when he said he just couldn't not show affection. Maybe I just feel like he's being choosy about which parts of the relationships he can be "emotional". I don't know.

Could you explain the "couldn't not show affection" bit? I am not sure I know how to read that sentence....

Blessings to you!

Jonathan

 

[Bootstrap]

I guess you could make out or whatever but if there is not some kind of sexual release then its not a benifit and should not be refered to as such. It makes him sound like a smuck when people say he is using her for "the physical aspects" making it sound like he is using her for sex when that is in fact not happening, when you are vauge about what is going on its easier to spin things and make the message deceptive, if anything she is getting more out of the make out session than he is, he is just getting frustrated.

Oh come off it.

Yes, this is very hard for guys - I'm a guy who is not yet married, and it's certainly very hard for me. But guys can enjoy being close and kissing and touching and feeling warm too. In fact, if the guy isn't getting a lot of benefit out of all of that, sex wouldn't mean a whole lot, would it?

Sex is not a video game. It's about cuddling and being close and intimacy.

Jonathan

 

[rppearso]

Thats cool that it works that way with you, I do not think any of thoes activities would be appropriate unless you planned on it leading to sex, thats like playing with fire. Also are you saying that because you believe that or because you have been brain washed to say that.

Oh come off it.

Yes, this is very hard for guys - I'm a guy who is not yet married, and it's certainly very hard for me. But guys can enjoy being close and kissing and touching and feeling warm too. In fact, if the guy isn't getting a lot of benefit out of all of that, sex wouldn't mean a whole lot, would it?

Sex is not a video game. It's about cuddling and being close and intimacy.

Jonathan

 

[Bootstrap]

Thats cool that it works that way with you, I do not think any of thoes activities would be appropriate unless you planned on it leading to sex, thats like playing with fire. Also are you saying that because you believe that or because you have been brain washed to say that.

For me, just about anything that leads to intimacy also gives me strong desires that can be difficult to deal with, but I think it's important to have intimacy in a relationship. That's difficult - and I think more difficult for us guys, because we often experience that as a strong physical pressure to go beyond what is appropriate.

That said, growing close emotionally, in a way that involves cuddling and kissing, is part of what courtship is for. Which is one of the things that makes it so difficult. But I wouldn't want to marry anyone without knowing that kind of closeness can be there.

And if a guy is looking just for physical release, not for intimacy and closeness, I think that's going to lead to problems down the road. Most women won't find that satisfying in the long run.

I was married once, we didn't get very close, and I didn't really grasp all this in my marriage. I'm dating someone now that I feel very close to, and I guess I learned this lesson by kissing and getting close ....

Jonathan

 

[dluvs2trvl]

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