- Sep 2, 2002
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About five months ago my boyfriend broke up with me. When I finally learned his reasons, a large part of those reasons were that he thought I did not have enough confidence and was too easily discouraged or too negative. These are things I have struggled with for most of my life. And with the growth of my faith in the past few years, the Holy Spirit has been transforming me. I am a far different person than I was, even when he met me 14 months ago.
It troubled me to hear him, because I had already come so far and was still travelling. My own mother had told me a few months ago how negative I used to be, and how much more positive I have become. I don't know why he couldn't have accepted me as a work in progress, because that's what we all are. I wasn't trying to fool him by concealing my real self. I wasn't changing just for the sake of the relationship. I have had steady momentum in this change for at least a few years. But that is irrelevant now.
What troubles me most is to reflect that he had those criticisms throughout our relationship. I do not mean to cast him into an unflattering light. Understand that he had praise on his lips as often as criticism, at least at the outset, and he sometimes encouraged me in my efforts. And he took it upon himself to try to change me, which was beyond his call and eventually exhausted him before he broke up with me, but you must understand that he had my best interests in mind and was not merely criticizing.
I know that Satan wants to use this break-up to bring me down again. It has been five months and I have not healed (while he, on the other hand, shut that book and moved on a long time ago). Yet throughout this ordeal, my confidence had not been tarnished because I had not based it upon the relationship. It had not been tarnished, that is, until yesterday, when I learned why he broke up with me.
I still struggle a little with negativity, and certainly with discouragement. But I would no longer say that confidence is much of a struggle for me. I respect myself as the image of God and can acknowledge both strengths and weaknesses with equity. I have even embraced my physical appearance, which I had dashed all my life. From a worldly standpoint, I "like" myself. Where I have suffered is in confidence regarding relationships. I struggled with feelings of not being good enough for him while we were together, and I sometimes mused about how another Christian girl I knew would be better for him. Though it reflects a lack of confidence, it is also a product of my admiration for him; I had searched for so long for a man I could respect, and when I found one, I realized he deserved a woman better than me. I never shared those fears with him nor told him those thoughts. I knew it was his place to make that call, and not mine, so I left it to his disgression. Yet when I finally started to accept that those thoughts must not be rational, I find out that I really wasn't good enough. This hurts all the more since I have worked so diligently to change and have allowed God to work on my heart. To have come so far and to still suffer rejection is painful, and yes, even discouraging.
Every criticism he had last year stung me. If I thought back, I am sure that I could remember a majority of them, and I am speaking even of specific instances, not just general categories. I wanted desperately to make him happy, and any criticism he offered was not only a signal to me to I still had progress to make, but drove me to intensify my effort. I have been constantly conscious of my status on many of them, and that consciousness has been a filter for my thoughts and actions.
I am, frankly, very frightened to be in another relationship, much less marry. Not only was I rejected after I threw my utmost into the relationship (my best wasn't good enough), but also my fears of losing him were confirmed. I have formed an association between criticism and rejection. I know that criticism is often intended for good. The Bible exhorts us not to judge, but certainly to correct and instruct with gentleness. Yet when people criticize me, I feel that I am letting them down. And the more criticical he became, the more I felt that I was disappointing him. And in the end, he did finally reject me. I am so frightened of being criticized by another that I hold dear, because I do not want to love and lose this way again. If I am criticized, I am certain I will take it too hard. And I am not sure that I can trust him to be there. In my heart, I am going to think that he will eventually go the way of my ex-boyfriend.
In sum, I don't know how I can ever have the confidence to pursue another relationship with someone on the level of my ex-boyfriend, yet I am unwilling to settle for less of a person. And I don't know how I can ever accept criticism again without taking it as rejection.
It troubled me to hear him, because I had already come so far and was still travelling. My own mother had told me a few months ago how negative I used to be, and how much more positive I have become. I don't know why he couldn't have accepted me as a work in progress, because that's what we all are. I wasn't trying to fool him by concealing my real self. I wasn't changing just for the sake of the relationship. I have had steady momentum in this change for at least a few years. But that is irrelevant now.
What troubles me most is to reflect that he had those criticisms throughout our relationship. I do not mean to cast him into an unflattering light. Understand that he had praise on his lips as often as criticism, at least at the outset, and he sometimes encouraged me in my efforts. And he took it upon himself to try to change me, which was beyond his call and eventually exhausted him before he broke up with me, but you must understand that he had my best interests in mind and was not merely criticizing.
I know that Satan wants to use this break-up to bring me down again. It has been five months and I have not healed (while he, on the other hand, shut that book and moved on a long time ago). Yet throughout this ordeal, my confidence had not been tarnished because I had not based it upon the relationship. It had not been tarnished, that is, until yesterday, when I learned why he broke up with me.
I still struggle a little with negativity, and certainly with discouragement. But I would no longer say that confidence is much of a struggle for me. I respect myself as the image of God and can acknowledge both strengths and weaknesses with equity. I have even embraced my physical appearance, which I had dashed all my life. From a worldly standpoint, I "like" myself. Where I have suffered is in confidence regarding relationships. I struggled with feelings of not being good enough for him while we were together, and I sometimes mused about how another Christian girl I knew would be better for him. Though it reflects a lack of confidence, it is also a product of my admiration for him; I had searched for so long for a man I could respect, and when I found one, I realized he deserved a woman better than me. I never shared those fears with him nor told him those thoughts. I knew it was his place to make that call, and not mine, so I left it to his disgression. Yet when I finally started to accept that those thoughts must not be rational, I find out that I really wasn't good enough. This hurts all the more since I have worked so diligently to change and have allowed God to work on my heart. To have come so far and to still suffer rejection is painful, and yes, even discouraging.
Every criticism he had last year stung me. If I thought back, I am sure that I could remember a majority of them, and I am speaking even of specific instances, not just general categories. I wanted desperately to make him happy, and any criticism he offered was not only a signal to me to I still had progress to make, but drove me to intensify my effort. I have been constantly conscious of my status on many of them, and that consciousness has been a filter for my thoughts and actions.
I am, frankly, very frightened to be in another relationship, much less marry. Not only was I rejected after I threw my utmost into the relationship (my best wasn't good enough), but also my fears of losing him were confirmed. I have formed an association between criticism and rejection. I know that criticism is often intended for good. The Bible exhorts us not to judge, but certainly to correct and instruct with gentleness. Yet when people criticize me, I feel that I am letting them down. And the more criticical he became, the more I felt that I was disappointing him. And in the end, he did finally reject me. I am so frightened of being criticized by another that I hold dear, because I do not want to love and lose this way again. If I am criticized, I am certain I will take it too hard. And I am not sure that I can trust him to be there. In my heart, I am going to think that he will eventually go the way of my ex-boyfriend.
In sum, I don't know how I can ever have the confidence to pursue another relationship with someone on the level of my ex-boyfriend, yet I am unwilling to settle for less of a person. And I don't know how I can ever accept criticism again without taking it as rejection.
