confessions to make

this time I had deliberately chosen to watch porn and I was hoping to test myself to see if I was over porn already. I get aroused when I see two wrestlers are fighting. I get aroused when two guys are kissing or something. I get aroused by anything that has a hint of nudity.

whenever I see a Christian that has a gift or talent, I get jealous. I feel like I deserve that too. I don't see why they need to be so smart or so gifted.

I am truthfully a liberal-minded person. but I can be very unreasonable, irrational and inconsiderate of others. I can stick to my own opinions and will hardly budge. I insist that I am right and that other people's opinions are not as important as mine yet I desire mutual exchange of vital information. I strive to be perfect when it comes to religion and when I mess up by watching porn or masturbating, I will be very hard on myself. I will be scrupulous and may say long prayers of confession to get myself up from where I had stumbled.

I worry about what others say about me behind my back and when they laugh at me. I hate when people defame me and then others believe them and assume that I am the person who they've been told.
it' got to be someone's fault, it can't be mine, I always say.
why do others treat me like i'm not precious? i'm precious and I will insist on saying so. I am an attentive listener to others so why do they ignore me?
I deserve lots of things.. I am entitled. by entitled I don't mean spoiled because I never got anything growing up. I don't mind not getting anything materialistic. it's just that I am entitled to respect after being treated for so long. don't I give respect now? oh course. I feel justified and am proud.
when others talk about something that I don't like or have no interest in, due to my lack of knowledge(video games) I just feel like shutting them up or cutting them right off. I don't like it because I don't know it. just like I hate basketball because i'm not adept at it.
some girl called me poor and said that I could not afford nice clothes or an ipod. so what I did was that I called my cousin and asked her for an ipod. she got me one and uploaded some music that I never thought I would be listening to: addicted by Kelly Clarkson. I just felt like the singer. I was depressed because of all the things that went on at school. I wasn't always the nicest person i'm sure, but I was depressed and others hated me and things like that. I had to go through therapy and take meds and things like that. I cried a lot hoping to be healed. I went to an audiologist and she told me that everything was fine except a few infections here and there. I was like well then how do you explain the music in the background when it's not there? I guess it had to do with my listening to loud music, or turning up the volume.

porn leaves a spirit of loneliess, pride, and carnalness behind. it does not stop coming back to you unless you decide to give up. that's why even when I walk out into the real world to visit the library or something, I just feel uncomfortable knowing that there's a presence pervading me and the whole atmosphere is strange around me. people start staring at me like they knew what I had been doing the night before or the morning or afternoon that day or something. I mean, I don't use it too much. I just use it just enough to get sperm out. porn leaves g uilt behind and what makes it worse is that when you don't tell someone about it. porn leaves a wound that makes it so hard to sew up.
I even entertained the thought of having more sex than usual. this arises from gay porn I've been watching. I liked the posture and everything. I honestly don't hate it but I feel guilty. I have grown numb to it. I have tried to solve it on my own and by prayer and others have said why would you want to stop? I have never had sex before but I would sure hate to go there with a man. I lust over guys my age and all I see is a lust, nothing more. I don't see a future with either man or women. I am still young but I don't want to head down the road when it's too late.
I at times feel like God is trying to destroy my future by allowing me to watch so much porn and the more I pray the less it seems like he wants to hear me. It seems like Christians don't get the high paying jobs. it seems like Christians are the only ones that are ignorant of most science and seem kind of stupid sometimes when they attribute everything to evil like porn and stuff instead of going for the scientific explanation. I just feel like at times Christians are being laughed at by God or something. I feel like Christians are the ones who make the stupidest decisions in life and say the dumbest things and when others see them do it, people are shocked, like who are these people? they're supposed to be holy and sweet tongued yet they utter filthy mouths and goof around and things like that. they act just like us. it seems like only Christians struggle with sexual temptations. no one from any other religion has been through this before. I guess mother nature hates Christians for having done all the mean things and so to punish all Christians they need to be fools or something. that's just sad. what have we to do with the past?

feverforever said:

The reason why Christians have to struggle with sexual temptations is because we are now without satan. Everyone else is influenced by satan, but we are not. And satan wants our souls back, so he tempts us by sexual images. You are generalising Christians. I am liberal and I do not judge. My mouth is not ugly. I never insult someone. Saying that Christians don't get high paying jobs? I can name many celebrities who are Christians and successful. Money isn't everything, though.

On your other statements, I can relate. I too get aroused seeing just wrestlers wrestling. It's hard to deal with. Noone is perfect. Yes, you do deserve good things! But, first, what about charity? The Bible says we should give to charity. And whatever we give, God will multiply. I've said before, God has blessed me with many things. Sometimes things we want, we don't need. Or it isn't the right time. So God might say 'no'.

I don't have much time so I cannot answer all your questions.

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Yeah but you definitely don't want to give just so you can get multiple stuff back. that would be like an ulterior motive.

feverforever said:

The reason why Christians have to struggle with sexual temptations is because we are now without satan. Everyone else is influenced by satan, but we are not. And satan wants our souls back, so he tempts us by sexual images. You are generalising Christians. I am liberal and I do not judge. My mouth is not ugly. I never insult someone. Saying that Christians don't get high paying jobs? I can name many celebrities who are Christians and successful. Money isn't everything, though.

On your other statements, I can relate. I too get aroused seeing just wrestlers wrestling. It's hard to deal with. Noone is perfect. Yes, you do deserve good things! But, first, what about charity? The Bible says we should give to charity. And whatever we give, God will multiply. I've said before, God has blessed me with many things. Sometimes things we want, we don't need. Or it isn't the right time. So God might say 'no'.

I don't have much time so I cannot answer all your questions.

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well I don't live in south korea, so I don't know. but here, cultural Christianity is really no Christianity at all. some Christians are pretty vengeful and judgmental. some can be super nice. some of the nonchristians are more "Christian" than Christians. I find it better to get along with nonchristians than I do with Christians.

joey_downunder said:

Reading a chapter of the Book of Proverbs would be a good place for you to start. Learning how to think how God thinks will stabilise your thought life and moods long-term.

Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

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porn has made me feel like there's no way i can stop. i dont feel hopeful when i fall into porn. i have made unintentional and deliberate attempts to see if porn arouses me still or no.

joey_downunder said:

Stop listening to your feelings. Feelings come and go, they don't last forever. God is way bigger than your feelings.

Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

And ask God for help as much as you need- every minute if you need to!

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I have tried to take matters into my own hands by continually renouncing sins that I have committed years ago.
Recently I have been able to retrieve all sorts of memories—childhood, adolescent, and recent. I remember when I was in elementary I called this girl ugly and I also had two girls make fun of this boy who used to be my friend. We had a falling out before the friendship had ended. He had one of his friends cut ties with me because he was no longer my friend. He taunted me by saying that I always rely on him too much for homework help and also because I copy him. i was mad. All I did was ask for help but almost all the time he had given me the answers. Do I need to cut soul ties with him? he and I were friends, somewhat, but then we had a falling out. then in sixth grade we both were in the same class. Well I transferred from another class. I thought he and I were going to be friends but turns out we weren’t.initially we were friends again but then I started to tell people to be quiet and people hated me. he was on the side of those who then resented me. he made fun of me and he called me gay because I told this guy in class that he was cute. The other guy also called me gay. Several other guys that this cute guy hung out with also hated me. you see how homophobic people can get? It could be my hormones that were making me feel that way. Doesn’t mean that I have to be gay forever. I don’t believe in eternally gay. I believe that God can change me and he will if I continue to meditate upon his word. Speaking of being gay, he told me that I was going to take off my clothes constantly. I was like what?

gay porn has made me want to kiss other guys my age. i mean, i wish i could be in a relationship with them but since God says no, I don't want to get into it.