Confession compulsion (i think)

[EtainSkirata]

** Just as a warning, I mention porn (the p word) in this post. **

For about a year now I've been holding on to a couple "secrets" that I know I would need to tell my boyfriend should we start to think about getting married. We've been together a year and even though he's not yet sure about marriage I decided to finally tell him: they are my struggles with same sex attraction and with masturbation.

He wasn't overly concerned--he wanted to make it clear that he doesn't condone these things but since I know it's sin and am turning away then he's not as concerned (I was a crying mess but he was emotionally fairly unaffected).

Anyway. The topic of looking at porn (the p word) came up, because he initially thought that i looked at it (and still, before i clarified, it didn't seem like he was super concerned because of my knowing it's sin). But I told him I hadn't gone to an actual site like that in years.

However, i have more recently been to websites (ie shopping website for adult things) and articles that have inappropriate pictures on them, but at the time of explaining things to him I was thinking that that wasn't worth mentioning. But even now I'm remembering websites that had drawings that should have been censored.

And there was one article I was looking at (that I should not have been) that had a picture that should have been censored. I looked at it for a few seconds and then scrolled past. I think when I was explaining things to my boyfriend that I remembered this and it was a little blip in my memory as I was talking... or i lied to him about it and it was so easy I forgot about it until later that evening.

All that to say, there's pieces that are coming back to me and pieces that I didn't think were worth mentioning but now I'm not sure. I didn't sleep well last night because of this and I'm not sure if I need to sit down and hash this out again or just leave it.

 

[angelsaroundme]

Someone without OCD doesn't constantly ruminate about if they didn't mention something at the time and if that means they lied. You have an obsession. Obsessions will never get better if you keep feeding them. You give them attention, they keep going. To shrink an obsession the only way is to stop feeding it. Unless you stop analyzing/judging your every action, nothing will change.

The way the brain works is we develop habits and habits with fear attached are hard to break. Let's say an adult tells a child they should pray constantly because any moment a person could die. Obviously that's a bit extreme but still the sort of thing someone might be told. The child decides this means they should pray every hour. Then they get concerned that they forgot to pray that hour. So soon they are praying much more than every hour. Or they keep worrying they didn't say the prayer right which causes repetitive or obsessive prayer.

Is it God demanding they live in fear their whole lives, scared if they don't pray often enough or the right way they'll go to hell? No, it's simply OCD.

In my example, the child will probably feel an intense anxiety if they stop praying constantly. Their brain has become used to this fear and responding to the fear with praying. But their obsession will continue unless they stop doing the compulsion. In order to see a significant and lasting improvement, you have to treat OCD as OCD, and not a spiritual issue.

 

[EtainSkirata]

What I meant was, I didn't stumble upon these sites. I knew that they had content that, while not strictly the p word, was still inappropriate, and I visited them occasionally with the same intent as one who would go to a p word site.

I was rehashing our conversation again last night, making sure I had told the truth. When we were talking about masturbation, he said he thought I meant I go to the p word sites. I said I hadn't been to an actual p word site in a long time. And he said "so it's just your thoughts" and I said yes.

That was a lie, because of my occasionally going to the other sites. I'm trying to replay my thoughts at the time to see if I thought that was a lie at the time or what. But I guess the fact of the matter is, I kept a detail from him that I think I should have shared.

And, of course, this comes to me after 10pm, and we have an agreement not to bring up difficult stuff after 9pm.

 

[Mari17]

What I meant was, I didn't stumble upon these sites. I knew that they had content that, while not strictly the p word, was still inappropriate, and I visited them occasionally with the same intent as one who would go to a p word site.

I was rehashing our conversation again last night, making sure I had told the truth. When we were talking about masturbation, he said he thought I meant I go to the p word sites. I said I hadn't been to an actual p word site in a long time. And he said "so it's just your thoughts" and I said yes.

That was a lie, because of my occasionally going to the other sites. I'm trying to replay my thoughts at the time to see if I thought that was a lie at the time or what. But I guess the fact of the matter is, I kept a detail from him that I think I should have shared.

And, of course, this comes to me after 10pm, and we have an agreement not to bring up difficult stuff after 9pm.

I understand, as I've had this type of compulsion too. One thing I find is that those of us with OCD tend to hyper-focus on details. It sounds like you kind of "know" when there's something you need to share, in a non-obsessive way (as you said in one of your other posts). So maybe you can find a way to tell him the things you feel you need to share in a big-picture way, without focusing too much on tiny details. But if it seems like it's OCD driving the confession, it's probably good to practice delaying the confession - putting it off until the OCD fades and waiting to see if it's something you actually need to share, or if it's just OCD!