Compatibility

[redblue22]

and you and I know each other enough not to have that talk.

 

[MehGuy]

No, I need to meet a girl who's really into the romance.

Lol.

 

[Sir Robbins]

make sure you understand each other's love languages.... how you give and receive. Huge benefits to that. I grew up on Disney movies and have been a hopeless romantic and it's driven me mad and depressed.

 

[K9_Trainer]

@MehGuy have you ever actually engaged in such a relationship you desire? come on, yes or no.

And the rest of you? Are you presenting actual life lived times? Or is it more fantasy and what you hope for?

It's more based off experience that my current relationship has given me. I'm with somebody who I'm compatible with in many senses. We have a lot of similar interests, similar desires, similar goals, similar world views, political views, yada yada yada, all the things people that people have already brought up that they think defines compatibility and makes a long term relationship work. It WAS what I had hoped for.

Sounds like I should be in high heaven, I've got the man of my dreams and the epitome of compatibility.

Unfortunately for me, the main thing lacking in this relationship of over 4 years? Exactly what I described in my first post. I can't tell you how much it sucks to be with somebody who can't seem to really accept, love and support you for you, faults and all. Somebody who instead sees your faults and just says that you're broken. Compatibility in the sense of having commonalities doesn't really mean much anymore.

 

[Travelers.Soul]

I'm not sure compatibility is the "end all be all" but it can be helpful. At the end of the day I would much rather have a guy who sees my flaws and chooses to love me anyway then a man who, on paper looks like he may fit. I want a friend in the long run not just a lover.

 

[LoveDivine]

I think true compatibility is far deeper than just shared interests or beliefs. I agree with Deidre that things just flow effortlessly. I think a good sign of incompatibility to me (in previous experiences) was the sense that I needed to over explain myself or life experiences to the other person. I could just sense that the other person really didn't get where I was coming from. I don't think that lack of comfort could be totally blamed on radically different life views or Christian beliefs. Actually in some cases, our views on paper concerning faith were actually quite similar. At the end of the day, there was just something missing and I never felt totally at ease. Personally, I'd have no issue being with someone who had different interests. It could definitely present more challenges and opportunities for misunderstandings/conflicts. However, I have known couples that had very little in common as far as their day to day interests or hobbies, yet were totally in sync and on the same page. I think that what they shared was the same commitment to faith and overall life goals and they worked together to support each other. I think that level of trust and unity is what made the relationship work and made them truly compatible.

 

[GQ Chris]

So much focus on our pop culture obsessed society is on finding the right person rather than being the right person.

 

[LoveDivine]

So much focus on our pop culture obsessed society is on finding the right person rather than being the right person.

Very true. I couldn't agree more with that. I think as a culture we've lost sight of introspection and self awareness. There really is no emphasis on growing and developing better character. The focus is on finding someone that just accepts and loves you in spite of all your bad traits. While it is definitely important to be with someone who is understanding and loving, it would be far better to work on becoming a person that wasn't such a challenge to love, lol.

 

[Travelers.Soul]

I agree that people should be willing and active in "working on" themselves (repenting of sin, changing attitudes, unhealthy behavior, etc) and that we should all stop focusing so much on finding "the one", I honestly don't believe in that sort of thing. The idea that there is this magical one and if you miss them then you are doomed to go through life alone (or in a horrible relationship/marriage) is ridiculous and probably came out of Hollywood and/or old romance novels. I think it is not an "either or" but a "both and" type of thing. We need to be a person who honors and glorifies God (forgives and loves others) and yet we need people to love us in spite of the things that are less than lovely in us. We need to be actively killing sin in our lives and for our loved ones to love us (and forgive us) when we fall short. I believe the two must go hand in hand because at the end of the day Christians are imperfect people, ever in need of a Savior, grace, mercy, repentance, forgiveness, holiness, etc.

 

[CCHIPSS]

So much focus on our pop culture obsessed society is on finding the right person rather than being the right person.

Yes we should focus on improving ourselves. As for the other person we should love them as they are.

But God gave us different individual preferences for his purpose. I don't think it is wrong to have some kind of standards. Some people might like sporty spouses. Some might like chess-playing spouses. etc.

If we love our spouse, we would help our spouse love us. We are all sinners and love isn't easy. So do not make it harder than it already is. Help our spouse love us by being a good partner ourselves.

 

[LoveDivine]

I do hope you aren't playing the "I'm engaged so I know more than you" card.

I don't think she is being condescending at all in her post. She was just trying to pass on some advice to the rest of us. Obviously, there is something unique and special about her relationship with this guy or she would not have agreed to marry him. She was merely pointing out the difference in this relationship compared to previous ones and how things flow effortlessly when you are with the right person. We should be thankful that some of the posters who have been in more successful relationships are willing to take the time to share their advice and experiences with us.

@MehGuy have you ever actually engaged in such a relationship you desire? come on, yes or no.

And the rest of you? Are you presenting actual life lived times? Or is it more fantasy and what you hope for?

I think this is just plain rude. I don't think you should blow off the input of others simply because you don't agree with their statements. It is also really distasteful to mock others for their lack of relationship experience. We are all single and in the same boat here. For someone who whines so regularly on this forum about being judged, you sure can dish it out to others when you are in the mood.

There are also several members that have commented in this thread that have been married previously or are happily engaged. We can learn a lot from them. In fact, choosing to blow off their advice is very similar to an army recruit disregarding the advice and warnings of a seasoned combat veteran. A little humility goes a long way.

 

[redblue22]

@YankeeGirl I think over what you have to say. thanks.

but I am reporting for the personal attack.

 

[blackribbon]

@YankeeGirl I think over what you have to say. thanks.

but I am reporting for the personal attack.

and what you have been posting isn't personal attacks?

 

[miss-a]

Well, so thus far I'm batting zero. In full disclosure, my common passion theory is 0 for 2. I stuck my toe back into the shark infested toxic waters we call online dating. I messaged a guy who is a writer. Writers are supposed to have a bond of knowing what it's like, a cammaraderie (that sometimes they forget how to spell and don't want anyone to know) and an interest in befriending other writers. So stinkin' much for that. I didn't even get a polite "no thanks." So I wrote to the fitness guy. Fitness folks usually love talking DOMS and reps and new exercises and all that stuff that would bore other poeple, surey this guy would at least want a new fitness friend. So stinkin' much for that. Not eve a polite "no thanks."

So the cat is out of the bag. Theory thus far failing.

 

[blackribbon]

I have been thinking about this and honestly, I don't think I had common interests with any of the guys I have had long term relationships other than location. We had common goals in that we wanted to get married and have kids, had similar educational goals, morals, and similar political views...but sharing our uniquely different hobbies and interests are what encouraged us to grow and expand. We even have had completely different career goals.

I can't say what it is that draws me to a man....other than his spirit, his intelligence, and his sense of humor. Maybe that is why online dating doesn't appeal to me...you can't see any of those things until you meet a man in person. Looking at a picture and a clumsy introduction doesn't do anything for me...I can't even guess who I'd want to talk to because in real life, looks don't matter so much once they open their mouth. Make me laugh and feel good about myself and I can be interested...

 

[CCHIPSS]

Well, so thus far I'm batting zero. In full disclosure, my common passion theory is 0 for 2. I stuck my toe back into the shark infested toxic waters we call online dating. I messaged a guy who is a writer. Writers are supposed to have a bond of knowing what it's like, a cammaraderie (that sometimes they forget how to spell and don't want anyone to know) and an interest in befriending other writers. So stinkin' much for that. I didn't even get a polite "no thanks." So I wrote to the fitness guy. Fitness folks usually love talking DOMS and reps and new exercises and all that stuff that would bore other poeple, surey this guy would at least want a new fitness friend. So stinkin' much for that. Not eve a polite "no thanks."

So the cat is out of the bag. Theory thus far failing.

You have to be patient with online dating. People might be busy and don't check their online profile everyday. Just keep trying and eventually someone will reply.

Also keep in mind that people has the right to choose. Just because someone uses online dating it doesn't mean that they are "below average" and that they have to settle with anyone that message them. I myself ignored messages from ladies that I wasn't interested in. And other ladies ignore me in return. It is fair game. =)

Treat online dating as a method of chatting with more people. And treat it as a school where you learn about the interactions with the opposite sex.

 

[blackribbon]

Treat online dating as a method of chatting with more people. And treat it as a school where you learn about the interactions with the opposite sex.

How is ignoring people who want to chat with you a way to learn about interactions with the opposite sex? It sounds rude and like a way to practice getting used to being rejected. At the same time, I understand that some people send out huge numbers of identical messages to multiple people with no thought beyond they kind of like a picture (often it is obvious from the messages they don't even bother to read the profile).

 

[Gnarwhal]

make sure you understand each other's love languages.... how you give and receive. Huge benefits to that. I grew up on Disney movies and have been a hopeless romantic and it's driven me mad and depressed.

That's a point that a lot of people miss. If you follow the love languages idea, most people don't differentiate between how they give and receive, and they really don't try to understand those distinctions in their partner.

 

[blackribbon]

That's a point that a lot of people miss. If you follow the love languages idea, most people don't differentiate between how they give and receive, and they really don't try to understand those distinctions in their partner.

If that is true, it is sad since that is a big part of the Love Language's message....to love your partner, you need to speak their love language and not try to love them with yours.

 

[com7fy8]

I think every really Christian person is compatible with every other gentle and humble and kind person. And we learn how to love in our relating with our different love friends in Jesus. And God can guide us to His choice. And I would say He does specially prepare us for whomever He wants us with. And we discover > we do not look for what we now are capable of wanting, since how we are now is not as mature and wise as we will be. So . . . why limit ourselves in the future to how we are now able to choose?