Communication

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

What did you make priorities in communicating before you got married? What conversations did you make sure happened before the big day?

What do you now wish you would have talked about before you got married?

I guess I'm a 'once bitten, twice shy' kinda girl. I've been engaged before, and called it off, once I realised that a lot of things that should have been discussed in detail before wedding planning happened, hadn't been, and that our differences were far too strong to have a successful relationship.

My boyfriend has never thought of a lot of the questions I ask him - about roles, housekeeping, expectations in the marriage (ie about who does what, whose the primary caregiver for the children, finances, sex, etc etc), and doesn't quite know how to answer when I ask him those questions. Most of his answers start with, 'well I haven't ever thought about this, I guess I feel like...', and then a statement like 'but I guess my REAL opinion on that will develop when I'm in that situation'.

I want to be prepared. I want to know what I'm getting myself into, before I agree to marry him (we've discussed an engagement later in the year), and have an understanding of how we approach various issues that crop up in a marriage relationship. How can I do this when he can't seem to make a solid statement about his feelings on these issues?

Am I overanalysing? How much questioning is too much? I just know that a lot of questions I'm asking are ones that will be in premarital surveys that churches often do with engaged couples, and would prefer to have discussed them BEFORE we get to the engagement phase, and it worries me that I can't get a solid decision from him on some of them.

Sasch

 

[E-beth]

I think it is a good idea to hash out as much as you can before you get married. If you do it God's way, you won't live together or be involved sexually before you are married, so you would need to discuss stuff a bit. But rest assured there will be millions of things that come up after you are married that you didn't forsee. Some stuff you just don't know what you would do until it comes. But then again, that is part of the fun.

 

[LiberatedChick]

The things I asked my husband about were children, finances and where we'd live. Things like housekeeping were worked out when we started living together and before that I gained a good idea of how well he'd keep things in order from just looking around and seeing him/helping him cook and clean around his mothers house.

The main things we asked were
Children - do you want them?, how many?, how soon after marriage?, will someone be staying home to look after them?
Finances - do you want a joint account?, will you have separate savings account?, will you both work?, how much will you save each month?, what kind of things will the savings be used for?, will you ever buy things on credit or only spend what you have in the bank?
Home - what kind of home do you want to live in?, what kind of place do you want to live?, what things are important to have nearby?

We didn't ever ask things about how the other would react in situation x, y and z because we just got to know those things from spending time together and just talking about life, current events etc. Also asking questions doesn't mean the answers you'd get will be set in stone. Things change, people change and so views change. Ultimately, if someones never been in a certain situation they may change their mind on something when they experience that situation. All asking questions will do is give you an idea of whether you hold similar views or not. They don't have to be identical views but imo the more similar they are now the more likely they'll stay similar in the future. So don't worry that you can't get a solid decision on some of the questions. Don't think of not having an answer to something as being unprepared....it's just something to learn about as you experience it and there's no harm in that.

 

[Jenna]

Communicate? What's that? lol

Seriously though, our relationship moved too fast in all the wrong places when we first began dating. We had been friends for some time, and figured that we knew each other. *shakes head* No, no....we were wrong. But, it was a little late to ask about children and finances and such after the pregnancy test came up positive. I think that the only question that we really asked before we got married was "are we going to get married?". lol

While we did a lot of talking, we also did a lot of growing. All of the understandings that we had about each other changed tremendously during that first year of marriage. So, all of the talking in the world wouldn't have prepared us for the way that our lives changed. I'll tell you, finding the Lord can really make a marriage interesting! lol Dramatic changes have a way of making folks dizzy. lol Anywho, now that we are both more on the same page as far as our priorities and what we want out of this life, we are better able to have conversations about life planning. Our day planner is interesting though, as it has the big letters "The Bible" written on it. We don't give our opinions on how we think we want to do it. We read through our Bible, and then we discuss how we believe the Lord is leading us to work in our marriage and family life. That pretty much takes care of a lot of arguments before then even have a chance to come up.

 

[heartnsoul]

Gosh, you remind me of how I was when I was preparing for marriage. Since communication is a major factor in many successful & unsuccessful marriages, I would have to say that it is better to err on being *more* communicative than less communicative. Meaning, if there is something you're not comfortable about or need answers to, then by all means--keep dating until you are ready. I honestly believe that the longer you spend dating someone, a lot of the unanswered questions you have about him will be answered in time because as time passes, you will experience his personality in many different situations and see his value system and what his reactions are. How people act and respond to stress could say a lot about one's character too.

Like others have said, you probably won't be able to know everything about him because some things you just have to go through together. But the most important aspect of any relationship, whether it's friendship or marriage...is the ability to work through issues together...so we're back to that "C" word again--communication. Even if people have the same values, the challenge is still having to work things out, talk things over, and reach an agreeable solution to any problem that comes up. I understand how you feel. It is a scary feeling taking that big step --marriage. My advice is that if you have any doubts, even small doubts, I think you should hold off on marrying until your heart feels you're ready. Go with your gut instincts and don't rush into anything.

Take your time. I believe God will help you and your fiancee grow and communicate together through this time period before marriage. Anyway, hope that helps. There are no 100% guarantees other than the fact that if both of you always put God first in your hearts, then things will work out. Good luck and keep communicating.

 

[InTheFlame]

- CHildren (numbers, fostering, care, discipline, schooling)
- Problems we need to look out for (eg. my grouchiness when tired/low blood sugar) and strategies
- Possible/likely problems
- relationship dynamics (eg. what's his opinion on submission?)
- how we communicate when relaxed/off-guard (do I bring him down without meaning to? Do I get passive-aggressive? Does he go quiet when upset instead of saying something?)

Most important - watch his (and your) BEHAVIOUR. See if it matches up to the words he speaks.