*Communication Breakdown*

[Matthew-59]

I seem to have what some think is a problem, and I don't know how to change it. When I am with other people and engage in conversation, I tend to offer too much information to get my point across. I guess you could say I tend to get a bit "wordy" and this seems to annoy others. In fact, I just had an appointment with a psychologist today who told me I am doing this and herself seemed frustrated with me. I am at a loss for how to deal with this problem. I am detail oriented. I think I always have been. I even wonder why others see this as annoying. I know I let them speak during conversations, so it's not like I'm monopolizing all the time we spend together. Needless to say, I don't have any real friends. Most of my friends live in my computer, so-to-speak. I do have health problems too that prevent me from having friends, so I know it's not my communication problem alone that has caused a lack in friends. I had one friend (for 20+ years) who decided to abandon me about 5 years ago, but I have no idea why, other than that is when my health problems started to get worse. Perhaps he just got tired of me, and maybe because of this communication problem I seem to have. I don't know.

Any advice on this would be most appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Thankful For Grace]

Dear Matthew,

I have no advice to offer, but want you to know that I am praying for you. One thing you can always count on is that God will listen to you, no matter how many details you speak.

May you find the peace you seek,

tfg

I seem to have what some think is a problem, and I don't know how to change it. When I am with other people and engage in conversation, I tend to offer too much information to get my point across. I guess you could say I tend to get a bit "wordy" and this seems to annoy others.
---------

Any advice on this would be most appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Matthew-59]

Thank you TFG.

I am on the prayer team here, so if you have any prayer requests, please feel free to send me a PM. And you may give as much or as little details as you wish.

 

[Thankful For Grace]

Thank you TFG.

I am on the prayer team here, so if you have any prayer requests, please feel free to send me a PM. And you may give as much or as little details as you wish.

Thank you very much, Matthew. My prayer request is that God will enable me to please Him in all things, and that my life will be used by Him for His glory and the eternal good of others. If you will pray this for me, I will be eternally grateful.

I am praying for you, also,

tfg

 

[Peripatetic]

Matthew,

Two rules that I try to live by: "listen more and talk less" and "listen to understand, not to refute". Neither one is very easy! Sometimes when people are very wordy, they always seem like they are lining up their next few sentences when the other person is speaking. They may be listening, but it's more to target their argument than it is to learn something or gain a new perspective. I obviously don't know if you do this, but it is very frustrating. You said that you do listen, but are you actually considering their points of view? Are you asking follow-up questions so they can further make their points? Do you concede a point now and then, or are you always looking to convince someone to take your point of view? A few verses for you:

Proverbs 18:13
He who answers before listening—
that is his folly and his shame.

James 1:19–20
19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

 

[Matthew-59]

Wow VertigoAge, I think you hit it right on. I have noticed that most of what you said can be said of me. I have noticed my Mom will do the thinking about what she is going to say next rather than actually listening to others. I maybe inherited it from her, if it's a hereditary trait. She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but I disagree. I think she has ADD instead. Perhaps I have ADD too. I don't know. Maybe it's something I should check into. Anyway, I know it annoys me when Mom does what she does, so it's no small wonder that maybe others are annoyed with me too. I guess I have some improvements to make.

I thank you for your advice and scripture verses. I will definitely take heed to all that you said and will start working on it right away. Again... Thank you! And please pray for me about this if you will. I need all the help I can get.

 

[CuddlyBear]

One rule that I think applies to conversation with people you don't know well is that people love to talk so rather than focusing on what I want to contribute to the conversation, I focus on drawing more information out of the person I'm speaking to. I do throw the odd personal thing in so I am also giving something of myself rather than making the person feel interogated but generally focus on the other person and seeing things from their point of view where I disagree. Conversation can be difficult but try to watch for balance in the conversation.

 

[Johnnz]

How about joining a public speaking group? That may help you focus on what to say and how to say it. Plus, after you recover consciousness when you first try, you will develop a new self confidence.

John
NZ

 

[sbbqb7n16]

Are you sure they're actually annoyed? or is it just that you think they are annoyed?

If you think you annoy everyone, you won't want to hang around them and will subconsciously shut yourself off to others. "well they're all annoyed with me, so I better go" type thinking. Whether you do or not is a different thing altogether.

I like the advice above about trying out some new "rules" for conversation, and I really like the idea of the public speaking class. I think they're required to give you feedback, so then you'd be able to see if your perceptions match reality.

Also ask your therapist to give some honest feedback whenever you feel she's getting annoyed. That will help you gauge perceptions too. Maybe she's worried about her kids at home, or had something else on her mind altogether. She's human too, maybe it wasn't you at all.

I would think she'd benefit from someone who talks alot. Since "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" then everything you say is a new thought your mind felt was relevant to the problem. Much better than a patient who says nothing.

If you ever need some feedback, you can always ask, "oh sorry am I rambling again?" - "uhh a little bit" = yes you are. puzzled look + "no, not at all" = no you're not.

 

[Matthew-59]

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice. I'm trying to take it all in for consideration.

Just to clarify, this is pertaining to everyone I speak to... whether I know them real well or not.

I have had a public speaking class, but way back in 1990. Not sure I want to put myself through that again, and even if I did, health reasons prevent it right now. It is a good suggestion though, so thanks.

And yes, my therapist was personally addressing me. She even explained how she was having a hard time keeping up with me and the flow of my thoughts as I was putting them together into a point I was making. That's when she told me I was giving too much details and losing her in the process. I even explained to her how I thought that it was good that I include as much information as I could in order for her to come up with a more accurate and informed diagnosis. I don't recall any response from her about that. Somewhat jokingly perhaps, I even asked if it would help if I had a pen and paper to draw pictures. LOL!!! ...yes, I really did that. I made it real clear that I was not serious about that though. But truthfully, I think that may have been the only way to convey a completed thought to her so she wouldn't get confused. Not to put her down, but I've noticed that when she speaks, it's very slowly. I tend to speak faster. So, maybe she just couldn't keep up, as she actually said. Maybe it is her and not me, but how could I know for sure without asking directly?

As for the problem that I know I do have, that of giving out too much information to get my point across, I just need some time to practice the opposite. I will have to try to not go down too many "rabbit trails" as I'm making a point. I know I also need to allow the other person more time to speak too. I've heard it said: "It's more important to listen than to speak. That's why God gave us two ears and only one mouth." Can you imagine if we had two mouths? It sure would make eating spaghetti quite interesting.

Again, thanks for all the suggestions and great advice.

 

[Johnnz]

I have a friend just like you. Most people avoid him. He can be hard work, but he is also a great guy with so much to offer. I get on OK and have learned to relate to him, but he can be hard work sometimes.

Can you practice writing. Then you can focus of expressing yourself more concisely. Write about something and then either you or with a suitable person underline the progression of your argument or theme so you can see each point and how much other material you have written to support them. That might instil some editing checks within and also help you to develop a more definite focus on how to communicate more clearly.

John
NZ

 

[Faith Hope& Love]

I just wanted to compliment you and tell you what a wonderful attitude you have and you seem to be quite introspective.

From reading through this thread it seems to me that you know what the problems are, which is an important step in fixing them! (Some people are just clueless.) When I read Johnnz's post above I thought "Wow, what a great idea!" I don't know if it would work or not, but I think it could help you in seeing what are essential and non-essential details. I have known people like you describe also: wordy, rabbit trails, too much non-essential info., etc. Think of speaking and writing like an outline. You need a main topic and supporting points. If it doesn't fit, then throw it out.

On the flip side, people like you make wonderful storytellers!

 

[Matthew-59]

The writing idea sounds pretty good, however I have done that to some extent and notice that I write different than I talk. There are some similarities, but most are just in the word usage and not in the content itself. Perhaps I could try it again since it has been some time that I've written out a "story" type thing. I usually do a lot of editing when writing personal email, so I do get some practice there.

Faith Hope& Love,
I appreciate your compliments. Thank you!
I needed that, because to be honest, it's quite depressing to find out ones own flaws, and at my age it's tough to change. I am working on it though... slowly.

I appreciate everyone's advice and willingness to help.

 

[LJSGM]

My husband is a bit wordy too, good thing I'm more of a listener! It seems that I have the opposite problem, people tell me that I very quiet all the time, it seems to annoy them, but they don't tell me that!

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, it's just hard to find a true friend that clicks with you just right. Rare for lots of people. Just pray that God will send someone your way....

 

[Johnnz]

We often do write and talk differently. But it's the process of gettinga better focus on making a statement without turning it into verbal marathon that you need to see more clearly. Being talkative is OK, but is you alienate others too much then that is something you must take some steps to improve as an act of respect for them.

Well established habits are hard to change. Add a natural style and that's quite a mountain. Don't get down as any change will take time and effort. Just persist, learn from past failures and see what you can achieve by deliberately setting out to practise a new economy of expression.

John
NZ

 

[sleavie]

I tend to have the same problem. But I force myself to get out and about because I know it's what God wants me to do. I tend to let others talk a but I catch myself talking heaps when I get into subject I love. God being one of them.

It's best to not worry about it. If people know your heart and your heart is of God than God will bless you. Find someone who loves talking details and getting right into the wordiness of it all.

Your details are a blessing from God. When people need a details person, you are there for them. But I do recommend a technique.

Loglines:

It's a technique which is based around telling something in the most succinct and clear way possible in a short single sentence.

Practice these. You can get books. Screenwriting uses them heaps.

Point is, if you get used to writing them and forming them, it can help you get to your point much easier.

Hope this helps. God bless.

 

[DoctorJosh]

Wow VertigoAge, I think you hit it right on. I have noticed that most of what you said can be said of me. I have noticed my Mom will do the thinking about what she is going to say next rather than actually listening to others. I maybe inherited it from her, if it's a hereditary trait. She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but I disagree. I think she has ADD instead. Perhaps I have ADD too. I don't know. Maybe it's something I should check into. Anyway, I know it annoys me when Mom does what she does, so it's no small wonder that maybe others are annoyed with me too. I guess I have some improvements to make.

I thank you for your advice and scripture verses. I will definitely take heed to all that you said and will start working on it right away. Again... Thank you! And please pray for me about this if you will. I need all the help I can get.

Hey guess what, you are perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't need a doctor and you can save the money and go enjoy yourself with that extra cash. You are human, if everyone was the same on this planet it would be a boring planet, everyone is different. I tend to go off and explain things in detail when I feel the other is looking at me like they don't understand as well. I can go on for hours to explain one thing, especially when it comes to technical things. Till they say they got it, they understand or give me a different look than stumped, I will keep going. At least till they fall asleep or they look at their watch and say they have to go home. LOL

Goodness, you are normal. But why you don't have many friends is you need to get out and find some. God is your friend and your Father, but if you want friends other than online, go to the Mall or to an event and start talking with people. You seem very friendly and that is all it takes. Eventually you find people with the same ideals as you have and you have friends around all the time.

If you can't leave because of your health reasons, they use the electronic highway to find friends in your area and so they understand your condition when they become your friend as you can write them about it and explain it (in great detail if you want) and then they know that about you and can't expect you to go just run through the park or go to a lake if you have health issues that may require some medication or oxygen tank.

It sounds like you just made a lot of friends on here. So also a Church or Church gathering is a good place to make good Christian friends.
Anyway, count me in, I would be glad to be your friend.

You have also millions of brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus.
The Internet is great to make friends on, but you also need to get out and be active to also help your health if you can or are able to.
Enjoy life, be happy and live your life for God.

Friends always come and go, but True Friends like Jesus will always be by your side. And you also have a lot of good Christian friends on here. You know, I had tons of friends once, till I started going biblical on them, then I was hated by over half my friends. LOL
But the true test of friendship of the few, the brave souls that still stand by are those who respect me for who I am and my strong Faith.
So never worry about making friends and then see them go off in another direction when that happens, for there are several billion people on this planet and at least half of them will be your friend once they get to know you. About a quarter of a billion will still stick around when you go biblical on them. Trust me, I am a doctor.

God Bless

 

[Peripatetic]

Hey guess what, you are perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you.

We are all normal in the sense that we are as God made us... with imperfections. It doesn't mean we shouldn't work on them. A very common method for hiring is a personality assessment that uncovers something called "derailers". Derailers are facets of our personality that can negatively affect how we do our jobs. Examples of executive leadership derailers include: Approval Dependent, Arrogant, Attention Seeking, Imperceptive, and Avoidant. The key thing to understand is that everyone has derailers. It's just a matter of which ones. A company with a good Leadership Development program will have training and a development plan to work on improving them. I can tell you that in my case, just being aware of them was a big help to my career.

Why do I bring this up? Because everyone has Social Derailers too. Everyone. If you become self-aware, you can make changes in your personal communication style that will help you socially. A great example is people with Autism. They have very little (or none) of the social instincts that come naturally to us. They have to "learn how" to function socially. And while those are more extreme cases, we all could use some introspection... to look in the mirror with open eyes. You are correct that there is nothing wrong with our OP, but I applaud him for trying to understand one of his derailers.

 

[heron]

Become a teacher. Or a research assistant, trainer, instructional technologist, librarian. As said above, a storyteller. Give yourself a licensed chance to talk on and on with information.

This is how your brain works, and you don't need to fight it. You just need to add some sensitivity to what others need too. Your doctors and therapists, they probably need to use time efficiently. Your friends, they probably want to have a chance to talk too.

I think online writing is the perfect opportunity to say what you want, and use as much space as you need to say it. Then people have a choice -- they can skim, or read it all. You might even think of using email more often than calling, for that reason.

If you know that you monopolize the time, then find ways to create more time for other people to express themselves. Ask people what they're thinking, and listen to them.

 

[Matthew-59]

Wow! I never expected to receive this much input. This is great!

I know that I am normal, but I have yet to accurately define "normal". Well, in the final analysis it really doesn't matter all that much to me, but I do like to be introspective and work on whatever imperfections I can. It's kinda like that serenity poem.... Accept the things I cannot change, but to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. {quoted from memory, so paraphrased I'm sure.]

As far as making friends....
Before the health problems kicked in real hard, I never seemed to have much trouble finding friends. Also, I was younger then and I think that makes it easier too. I'm 46 now and still single, so it's hard to find friends since I can't attend social events, to include church. I would love to attend church again so I could have a greater chance to find good Christian friends since I'm sure we'd just have more in common. That just makes simple sense to me.

My health problem, in case anyone wants to know, is this....
I have a hyper sensitivity to sound, which causes pressure in my head to the extent of causing panic attacks or the feeling like one will happen. I also have clinical depression and some anxiety problems, but believe most of the anxiety came when I first started to notice the "head pressure" and sound problems. I have been diagnosed with hyperaccoussis, which is just a fancy word for sound hyper sensitivity. It's more commonly known as "musicians ear". I guess I must have listened to too much loud music in my car or something. Who knows. I do know that God can heal me and am certainly hoping and been praying He will. Like I said, I'd love to attend church again, and also listen to music like I use to be able to do. God's will be done.

I'll just have to keep plugging away at the communication issues. I know God is already helping me with that. He's using all of you. ...and some inner conscience of my own.