Cohabitation Question

[Cecilia]

First some history...

my parents and I get along great, until we have to live in the same house. Our views are very different (my dad is a staunch Presbyterian and my mom is a lapse Catholic). I am looking into finding my own place next summer so I can work on keeping my sanity and the growth that I built up in my faith during the school year which I tend to lose over the summer. I have been looking for a place to stay but with just a summer job (even two) I could not afford monthly rent.

Now to the question...

My guy friend is buying a house. The one he is looking at is a three bedroom, 2 bath. Knowing my situation (he is not Catholic), he asked if I would want to stay with him and his friend in this new house. I insisted I would only stay if I could have my own bedroom which would be private at all times and preferably my own bath, to keep things private. In my view of cohabitation, this would be ok because my living quarters would be private.

My question is, is my thinking accurate? I hope that it is. This would be a perfect solution. I would still attend Mass regularly, have a job, and keep in touch with my family (hopefully repairing relationships that have been torn over the years). As a plus, the guys have agreed to attend Mass with me, even with neither of them being Catholic.

 

[Benedicta00]

First some history...

my parents and I get along great, until we have to live in the same house. Our views are very different (my dad is a staunch Presbyterian and my mom is a lapse Catholic). I am looking into finding my own place next summer so I can work on keeping my sanity and the growth that I built up in my faith during the school year which I tend to lose over the summer. I have been looking for a place to stay but with just a summer job (even two) I could not afford monthly rent.

Now to the question...

My guy friend is buying a house. The one he is looking at is a three bedroom, 2 bath. Knowing my situation (he is not Catholic), he asked if I would want to stay with him and his friend in this new house. I insisted I would only stay if I could have my own bedroom which would be private at all times and preferably my own bath, to keep things private. In my view of cohabitation, this would be ok because my living quarters would be private.

My question is, is my thinking accurate? I hope that it is. This would be a perfect solution. I would still attend Mass regularly, have a job, and keep in touch with my family (hopefully repairing relationships that have been torn over the years). As a plus, the guys have agreed to attend Mass with me, even with neither of them being Catholic.

It is not recommended becuase it can cause scandal.

 

[PolskiKrol]

Are you dating? Then no. If not, then yes. Just don't date while you're there.

 

[Cecilia]

We aren't dating. But even if we were, it would be seperate accomodations, almost like the dorms at most colleges. Which leads to another question...if I went to another school and stayed in a coed dorm...would I be breaking the rules if I dated a guy from down the hall?

 

[helenofbritain]

Are you dating? Then no. If not, then yes. Just don't date while you're there.

If he's just a mate, you're not "cohabiting" in the de facto sense of the word - you're housemates. Very different. Just make sure you all set boundaries about bathroom etiquette, no-nakedness-outside-privacy-of-own-room-or-bathroom-towels-count-as-naked and you will be fine. If for whatever reason you happen to fall in love with either of your housemates (or even just get a crush) then I'd be prepared to move out ASAP.

Good luck.

 

[Globalnomad]

I'd say, forget rules. There aren't any established rules for this situation. Depending on the person you ask, you'll get the whole gamut from "scandal" and "occasion of sin", to to "of course it's OK as long as you don't have sex". (Some liberals are even going to say sex is OK, too)

The reality, if you ask someone who's been there and done that, is that:

1. Yes, it WILL be a cause of temptation. Know your mind about how you will deal with it.

2. Two guys and you? Your main problem won't be sex - your main problem will probably be cleaning up, cooking and generally playing housemother. Are you up to that? - either just do it with pleasure - believe it or not, I did once, for a whole year, and it was FUN (the guys presented me with a beautiful expensive dress that I had been dreaming about, at the end of the year) - or learning to say "no" to expectations.... and learning to live with a lot of male quirks that one is not always terribly comfortable with. (How many brothers have you grown up with? I had none... and it was quite a learning experience when I started living with men...)

This having been said, it might be a great experience. Good luck!

 

[BillH]

Get your own bathroom. I cannot recommend this strongly enough. Get your own bathroom.

Besides that, yeah, pretty much what GN said.

 

[a_ntv]

It is not recommended becuase it can cause scandal.

Came on!!!!

I see no problem in such a cohabitation.

I think that we shall be enough mature to do NOT associate prematrimonal sex with cohabitation.

 

[Benedicta00]

Came on!!!!

I see no problem in such a cohabitation.

I think that we shall be enough mature to do NOT associate prematrimonal sex with cohabitation.

It is the scandal that is brought on for those who do not know what is going on. All they are going to see is two guys and one girl living together.

They will look at the 'good catholics' as if they are hypocrites.

It will only confirm in the minds of some, Catholics aren't saved, they go through the motions, they go to Mass on Sunday and go back to sin the rest of the week and think they did their good works ritual. etc.

It is just not the example that we should set.

I'll tell you what, any one of you go and ask your priest and see if he does not to some extent agree with me.

I'm not saying thee is sin involved, I am saying it is not a good idea.

 

[Domenico]

I think go for it. Earlier this year I lived with a girl and a guy, and last year I lived with 3 girls. This is so common in my town that some landlords wont rent to just a bunch of guys! they want a responsible girl around!

No matter what your religion, its not a good idea to get romantically involved with your housemates. As they say in these parts "dont screw the crew!"

 

[Cecilia]

Thank you everyone for your opinions on the matter. I am pleased with the decision I have arrived at. It should be a fun adventure!

 

[Globalnomad]

It is the scandal that is brought on for those who do not know what is going on. All they are going to see is two guys and one girl living together.

They will look at the 'good catholics' as if they are hypocrites.

It will only confirm in the minds of some, Catholics aren't saved, they go through the motions, they go to Mass on Sunday and go back to sin the rest of the week and think they did their good works ritual. etc.

It is just not the example that we should set.

I'll tell you what, any one of you go and ask your priest and see if he does not to some extent agree with me.

I'm not saying thee is sin involved, I am saying it is not a good idea.

Listen, anyone who will be THAT judgemental is a Catholic-hater anyway. There is a limit to how far you restrict your own God-given freedom of action in order to pander to their scruples. I think it is far more beneficial in the long run - and honest - to hold your head high and do what YOU think is right. Otherwise you are just "enabling" (to use a psychological term) extremist thinking. That puts us on the slippery slope to complete abstinence from alcohol, wearing burqas, etc.

 

[hawko]

Don't do it. If you could do the same thing with all girls, it would be better, but the best thing is living in your own house with your real family. Even if your intentions are pure and innocent, you really don't know the intentions of the males living there. Besides that, you are putting them in a place of temptation. I wouldn't do it if I were you. You would probably end up being a free maid for the guys too.

 

[Cecilia]

well I think I'm going to try it and find out. I feel I know them pretty well and I think our situation would work out.

 

[Benedicta00]

well I think I'm going to try it and find out. I feel I know them pretty well and I think our situation would work out.

What do your parents say?

Instead of asking us, why don't you ask a priest?

And try to understand, you are 19. I am 40. I feel like I'm preaching to my son, lol. but, been there and done that. It's not like I don't know what I'm talking about.

It's just not a good idea and you can claim you do not care what ppl will say or think but ....then there is reality.

You will not be able to command the respect from everyone you would like to be able to.

Remember, respect is earned, not given out. You will not be earning the respect you deserve as a 19 year old young female.

and that's all I got to say about that.

 

[Benedicta00]

Listen, anyone who will be THAT judgemental is a Catholic-hater anyway. There is a limit to how far you restrict your own God-given freedom of action in order to pander to their scruples. I think it is far more beneficial in the long run - and honest - to hold your head high and do what YOU think is right. Otherwise you are just "enabling" (to use a psychological term) extremist thinking. That puts us on the slippery slope to complete abstinence from alcohol, wearing burqas, etc.

Glob,

Look, there is always pros and cons to every situation.

We would do this girl an injustice to just give her the up side.

I for one think the down side and yes there IS a down side, there is a down side to everything in life, as i am sure you know that, but I think the down side out weighs the up side in this situation.

I'm giving her the advice I would give my own child.

 

[Globalnomad]

So do I, as a matter of fact... My daughter (same age)has just done exactly the same thing and I am fine with it. (She is in another country - no possibility of her staying at home, which would of course be best at her age - and between today's college dorms and a shared apartment, I see no difference whatsoever.)

I know there are both pros and cons, and I think I have also told her the cons - as have a few others on the board.

I don't think this is a significant way to earn or lose people's respect. I think that a person who loses respect for her as a result of this, without looking further into her character and motives, is not someone whose respect I would particularly want my daughter to have.

The only real cons are the question of sexual temptation, or being pulled into a lifestyle that is not appropriate for her in other ways (drinking, partying...). But that's something we cannot judge for her.

 

[Fantine]

When my sons were in college, they both had female housemates at times--sharing a house or large, 3BR-4BR apartment with several people.

It was always platonic, and I actually think the housekeeping was a little better than it would have been if they'd only roomed with boys.

I think that you know your motives and your heart. And in some parts of the country (NY metro area, for example) most people couldn't afford to rent an apartment unless they had at least two roommates.

In today's culture, very few people would be "scandalized." If friends are concerned, you can certainly discuss the arrangement and your reasons with them. If strangers are scandalized, it's really their problem....they need to get their minds out of the gutter and into reality.

 

[Benedicta00]

In today's culture, very few people would be "scandalized."

That's the problem, today's culture.

Cecilia is 19, she is going to have to live and learn the way we all had to and still are.

I just wish she would bring this to her parents or a priest and not to a bunch of Internet strangers.

 

[MikeK]

You will not be able to command the respect from everyone you would like to be able to.

I don't know of any people who would respect her less for sharing a house (not a room) with people of the opposite sex. Perhaps you're the only one?

My only concern would be whether these guys have alot of friends or not. I remember when my friends first started getting houses in their late teens and early 20s that if they were unmarried, the houses became party central 24/7, and everyone who's ever passed the homeowner on the street suddenly feels a sense of entitlement to hang out at his house whenever he pleases. Nice for the guests, not so nice for the people who have to get up for work in the morning.

Good for you for wanting to get out of your parent's house next year. 20 is too old to be freeloading, and if you're going to be paying rent you might as well pay it for a place you actually want to live in. If you do this, make sure you don't sign any sort of lease, you want to be able to move out on a whim if you so choose. Also make sure that the homeowner is not counting on your money to help him make his mortgage payment.