Co-dependancy in Relationships

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

As a Christian, I've found that we are generally advised to be co-dependant in our behaviours sometimes. Although sometimes I do believe that the biblical model of what the world deems 'co-dependant' is a good thing, I get worried when I see it carried out in relationships, to the detriment ultimately of that relationship.

What has been your experience of that? I have been notorious in the past when it comes to codependancy (ALWAYS putting the other person first, a lot at the detriment of myself and my health, trying to keep the peace at all costs, etc etc), and am really persevering in preventing that happening now with my new relationship.

How have people implemented steps to prevent it happening in their relationships? I find it so hard sometimes to put what God says in the Bible into practice, without it turning into co-dependancy (I showed a non-Christian the chapter on love, and they thought it showed signs of co-dependancy) - I want to do everything in my power to make sure our relationship survives, especially as it heads more and more serious, but I don't want to be doing it in a manner that seems co-dependant.

What would you define as biblical love? What would you define as co-dependancy in the relationship?

Any recommendations as to books about this would be greatly appreciated!

 

[LiberatedChick]

I think the main thing to prevent co-dependancy in a marriage is for both people to love themselves as well as there spouse. What I mean by that is such relationships require balance, they need both people to give and both people to take. If one person is doing more giving then they become unhappy. So instead of looking to outside sources to bring happiness (whether it be a person, money, property or whatever) we need to be happy within ourselves first and foremost. I think giving can become like a drug....it makes you feel good when you're giving to someone, so good that you can want to do it constantly until you realise that you're suffering because of it. If I were somehow able to give all the energy I have within me to my husband I'd be dead...I'd have none left for me to keep me alive. Thus we all need a balance, I need to give some and take some and he needs to give some and take some so that none of us has more or less than the other.

Below is a quote from a site I found which I think is helpful

As Christians, we often feel confused by the codependency concept. Jesus taught us to care for and about other people. He said, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28 NASB). The Epistles teach us to bear one another’s burdens and to sacrifice for others. Does that mean that codependency is spiritual? Was Jesus codependent? I don’t believe so. The Gospels show us a Jesus who wasn’t afraid to say no, to speak the truth when he saw sinful behavior, and to take time out by himself and with friends. Jesus modeled a balanced way to live in relationships — he cared for others and he cared for himself.

The site address is http://www.family.org/married/comm/a0018627.cfm if you want to read what else it says.

 

[bkg]

There may be a difference between co-dependent and dependent. Jesus calls us to be dependent, the world says it's wrong to be codependent. The blanace is in the middle.

NEver, not a single time in the entire Bible is the concept of codependency mentioned or frowned on (IIRC - correct me if I'm wrong). I've seen a couple of relationships that I would define as codependent to a fault. They are also the strongest relationships that I've seen - they put each other first, they put everything else second.

Codependency becomes a huge issue when we stop getting our self worth, our happiness, our meaning from Christ, and start getting it from another person. Once that happens, the relationship with that person will always been one of potential turmoil. If the other person treats the codependent person the way Christ teaches, then things may balance out. If not, trouble begins.

I realize I've taken a couple of different sides to teh arguement. Just remember who defines what: Jesus commands us to be dependent (leave and cleave)... "Man-made" psychology tells us it's wrong. Who are you going to believe?

 

[mghalpern]

I hope the following information is helpful to this topic...Michael​

"Boundaries" (Cloud/Townsand) may be a good book to help you get a handle on this issue.​

www​

celebraterecovery​

com/​

SmallGroups/​

codependant.asp#Problem​

(wouldn't let me post it as a link yet, not enough postings yet)​

CODEPENDENCY​

"In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life. ​

The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self - personal identity - is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person's identity and problems. ​

Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things - money, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves. " "Love Is A Choice", pgs.11,12 ​

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS AMONG CODEPENDENTS ​

1 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you[/font]​

2 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.[/font]​

3 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.[/font]​

4 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.[/font]​

5 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My mental attention is focused on protecting you.[/font]​

6 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.[/font]​

7 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.[/font]​

8 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.[/font]​

9 Y[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]our clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.[/font]​

10 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel your are a reflection of me.[/font]​

11 I[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.[/font]​

12 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume.[/font]​

13 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.[/font]​

14 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.[/font]​

15 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.[/font]​

16 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.[/font]​

17 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.[/font]​

18 I[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] put my values aside in order to connect with you.[/font]​

19 [font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.[/font]​

20 T[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]he quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours. [/font]​

CODEPENDENCY AND CHRISTIAN LIVING ​

On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching.​

"Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves." (Aren't Christians to put others first?) ​

"Codependents give themselves away." (Shouldn't Christians do the same?) ​

"Codependents martyr themselves." (Christianity honors its martyrs.) ​

Those statements have a familiar ring, don't they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy. ​

Codependency says:​

• I have little or no value. ​
• Other persons and situations have all the value. ​
• I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values. ​
• I am to place myself to be used by others without protest. ​
• I must give myself away. ​
• If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish. ​

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms. ​

Motivation differs. Does the individual give his service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to "please people"? Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals). ​

Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react. Codependents behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Additions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.​

Codependents have poor sense of boundaries; they help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence). They have trouble setting limits for themselves and allow others to invade their boundaries. ​

A codependent's sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others; Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created. Ones self-worth is separate from the work one does or the service one renders.​

​

Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives; they do for others at the neglect of their own well-being and health; Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.​

Codependent helping is joyless; Christian service brings joy.​

Codependent are driven by their inner compulsions; Christians are God-directed and can be free from compulsiveness, knowing that God brings the ultimate results. ​

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]​

​

[/font]​

THE TEN TRAITS OF A CODEPENDENT​

1 The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.​

2 The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.​

3 The codependent's self-esteem (and, frequently, maturity) is very low.​

4 A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.​

5 Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.​

6 The codependent's relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.​

7 The codependent is a master of denial and repression.​

8 The codependent worries about things he or she can't change and may well try to change them.​

9 A codependent's life is punctuated by extremes.​

10 A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life. pg.28​

QUALITIES OF A "GOOD CODEPENDENT"​

1 High-level organization ability.​

2 Competence at a wide variety of tasks and the ability to learn additional ones quickly.​

3 Stability and resistance to panic.​

4 Skill at diplomacy and emotional manipulation.​

5 Resilience with a high tolerance to pain.​

6 High energy, with good resistance to fatigue.​

7 Good administrative skills.​

8 The ability to defer gratification indefinitely.​

9 Crisis intervention skills.​

10 Strong sense of morality and of right wrong.​

11 Lyalty and a willingness to put the needs of others before his/her own.​

12 Capacity to never ask "Whats in this for me?"​

13 The ability to do enormous amounts of work for a minimal payoff.​

14 High level of nurturing and caretaking skills.​

15 Tendency toward over-achievement, leading to the ability to work consistently at 120 percent of capacity.​

16 Gives low priority to emotional needs and feelings.​

17 Has one or more of the following: Migraine headaches, obesity, depression, and obessive-complusive behaviors.​

18 Has low self-esteem with a very dependent personality. It is not likely that a person with high self-esteem would put up with a fraction of what a codependent routinely tolerates.​

Adapted from Families under the Influence by Michael Elkin.​

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[mghalpern]

May also be beneficial...Michael​

​

ENABLING​

Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.​

• PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior. ​
• KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep peace. ​
• MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work, family members.) ​
• BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs.) ​
• BLAMING OTHERS for dependent persons behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers, family, self.) ​
• SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home.) ​
• AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace. (Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.) ​
• GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED. ​
• ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs.) ​
• MAKING THREATS that have no follow through or consistency. ​
• TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent person. (Doing what he/she should be expected to for themselves.) ​

 

[LiberatedChick]

http://www.celebraterecovery.com/SmallGroups/codependant.asp#Probelm

Here's the link that mghalpern wanted to post.

 

[mghalpern]

Thank you...

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Awesome guys,

Thanks for that. As I read a lot of the stuff I recognised a lot of traits from a previous relationship I had (fault laying on both sides, but predominantly me). It also made me realise that I HAVE come a long way from that person, however I still have a few minor things to work on.

It is quite a balance isn't it. I guess it comes down to protecting our relationship, but at the same time not letting me and who I am get lost in the protection of it.

Thankfully I've grown up a lot since my previous relationship, and I think that helped in defining what I can accept and can't now.

Thank you for the input guys, I really appreciate it, and I'm sure some others around these boards might as well.

Sasch

 

[Jenna]

Hmmm..... I find it interesting and mildly amusing that I fit many of the "co-dependency" traits. I only difference that I really see is that I don't judge my worth by someone else's opinion of me. I still always care about other people enough to take them into consideration when I speak and act, and to some extent I'll always be bolstered or bothered by someone else's problem. I think that the only relationship in which I would be view as co-dependent by society, would be my marriage. *laughs* Maybe I am addicted to my husband. It is a little hard not to be pretty attached and invested in someone that you are 'one flesh' with. lol

 

[isaiah5213]

i am a little different here: when i was married the first time, i immersed myself into the codenpendency stuff.. i turned on my husband. wanted him to see what i was learning, yadda yadda yadda. unfortunately, i was doing it all wrong. in my bid for making sure he knew "i am being wronged"... i gained too much independence, and i gained too much insubmission, and too much disrespect for my husband. we quickly got a divorce. for years i blamed it on my husband. for years i walked proud and tall. & for years i couldn't understand why i felt so ashamed, so guilty, and felt like when it came to my marriage, i didn't do my best--especially when i really became a Christian in 1993.
when i became a Christian, and i was reading my bible daily, i realized that there are many many things God commands us to do, that appear to be codependent to the world. if i was not married, and i was putting the guy above God, then i would be doing wrong: that is biblical codependency--it is just termed as: sin. if i was married & i was not putting God first, but my hubby, then God would call that sin: we would call that codependency... trying to put my mother's ideals above my husband's and/or God's, is codependency, and to God is; sin.

what i did in my marriage, is if my husband told me and expected me to do something, if it didn't meet w/what I wanted, or what I thought or felt was right, or what I envisioned, i would and could say no, and then if he became angry w/me, then i would pull the "i need time for ME, i need to know how this will benefit ME, how will the ultimate outcome enhance ME?" questions, to "try and expose the codependency in his requests & expectations... in other words, i was being trained wrong: i was being taught to use codependency as a way to be selfish, and make sure i get my needs met first before others.. which, obviously, is not biblical. i was getting my needs at the expense of others in the name of "recovering from codependency". yuck. i feel sickened just thinking about it.. (shudder).

another way i realized my codependency--mostly realizing it in my relationship w/God, was why was i working hard to be good??? was i serving, praying, reading my Bible daily, leading, etc etc etc to get God to love me? to MAKE SURE that if he saw me on the street, he would recognize me? or was i doing all this, BECAUSE God loved me?? (This took me years as a Christian to really ask this question, folks).. & then i got things into perspective. to do all this stuff for another, because you are thinking at the back of the mind "maybe then he will notice me: maybe then he will love me" is codependency. to want to please him, to do all this, because of how happy you are, that he loves you, is just loving him. as Christians, biblically, we want to put others above ourselves. so, i will let my daughter go to the prom, and keep those holes in my shoes for another couple of months. i will let my son have his new set of jeans (he is shooting up up up) and i cut down on my food portions (shrug, i am 60 lbs overweight anyway, what's the big deal?)

i hope this gives a correct picture...

 

[Im_A]

Dependancy is defined as:

1. Dependence.
2. Something dependent or subordinate.
3. A territory under the jurisdiction of a state of which it does not form an integral part.

the "co" part just shows a sharing of that. i think sometimes we forget to use is a great and very indepth theology book, The Dictionary.

funny how the term itself is used to something that so many people they need, when in all reality, it shows a need that is not vital to our survival. with this in mind, i think it is very good to look at Adam and Eve.

God created everything perfect, but Adam was still in a need. Someone like him. A need that wasn't integral part of Adam and his surroundings. someone to be co-dependant with. you can't be co-dependant when your single, because of that fact, your single.

so i find it very odd that Adam in the perfection He was created needed someone else. so my point for saying this is, i find that being co-dependant to be very Biblical. this just may be my views, but annalyzing the Adam and Eve story, it is just hard for me to come up to any other conclusion but that conclusion. it is rather odd too how Adam was probably down about it, but yet God was there, and everythign was perfect and harmonious. i think the Adam and Eve story puts on a human face for love, and shows a lot why we are the way we are, and maybe even the way we should be in relationships.

i am very dependant, and when i am in a relationship, i become co-dependant. i am in the need of being with that one person that compliments me, because of who she is and what she isn't. i can survive without love and relationships, but in the end, the need and the desire is so strong that i will gladly admit that i am co-dependant, and in no plans, planning on changing that. i am in the need of being with the one person that i compliment. why? i really wish i knew. it seems to be in our makeup as human beings. i mean, if we would be co-dependant, why are their marriages? why are their rules for married couples, and rules for couples not married to refrain from sex till marriage? in ending i think it's a factor we need to start welcoming, and start looking to God for that special person that who we are fits the best way it possibly can. i don't like all them independant theories running out there. Christians even play into it, it seems from time to time.

i don't think co-dependancy is the issue. i will always believe the progress of purity in the relationship is one of the biggest issues. of course no one is perfect, and when they mess up, it's not the end of the world. pray for strength and forgiveness, and if the next day comes, pick up your cross and tread on.

that's me though, and i hope it is useful in anyway. God Bless you! <><

 

[InTheFlame]

I think the Boundaries books explain a good, loving relationship well. Basically, the idea is that when you love someone else, you want the best for them - and that can involve challenging their bad behaviours or encouraging them in things they're not keen to do, so that they can grow as a person.

eg. drinking too much. A co-dependent spouse would maybe whine, nag and try to get the person to stop drinking out of guilt, after cleaning them up, ringing their work to give an excuse, putting them to bed and making them chicken noodle soup. A truly loving spouse would confront them gently with the problem then, as far as possible, let them deal with their own consequences.

Does that make sense?

 

[mghalpern]

The Lord clearly made us dependent in many ways. First, dependent on Him. Second, dependent on each other (the body of Christ). In marriage, the sign of a healthy relationship is inter-dependence--when we can compliment, not complete, one another. We are complete in Christ. There are a great many singles who are quite complete, yet they have weaknesses that others can compliment. In co-dependency, we enable negative/bad behavior. This is not biblical, nor healthy. We are called to exhort one another, and speak the truth in love. This isn't always easy because there are usually repercussions for doing so in the beginning, but eventually we are often thanked for helping restore an individual to healthier behaviors...Michael

 

[InTheFlame]

Yeah that's what I was trying to say

 

[Andry]

The Lord clearly made us dependent in many ways. First, dependent on Him. Second, dependent on each other (the body of Christ). In marriage, the sign of a healthy relationship is inter-dependence--when we can compliment, not complete, one another. We are complete in Christ. There are a great many singles who are quite complete, yet they have weaknesses that others can compliment. In co-dependency, we enable negative/bad behavior. This is not biblical, nor healthy. We are called to exhort one another, and speak the truth in love. This isn't always easy because there are usually repercussions for doing so in the beginning, but eventually we are often thanked for helping restore an individual to healthier behaviors...Michael

Amen....hit the proverbial nail on the head. It's inter-dependence.

My 'in a nutshell' of life's stages that we all must go through - whether we realize it or not.

1. Dependent - from complete reliance to our parents to a gradual weaning off as we reach our adulthood.
2. Independent - as young adults, finished school / getting that first job, moving out and learning to do stuff by yourself and survive by yourself.
3. Inter-dependent - as a marriage unit. Working/living/relating as one. It's not a weakness!

Some people never leave their dependency from their parents....for men, we call them mommas boys. Some never reach independence; marrying young/straight from high school to married life is one such example. Some people, who've accomplished independency successfully, find it hard to relinquish that or transition to inter-dependency in married life.

I have observed - anecdotally - from experience that many marriage troubles often have root causes of not recognizing this evolution from dependence to independence to inter-dependence.

 

[bkg]

The Lord clearly made us dependent in many ways. First, dependent on Him. Second, dependent on each other (the body of Christ). In marriage, the sign of a healthy relationship is inter-dependence--when we can compliment, not complete, one another. We are complete in Christ. There are a great many singles who are quite complete, yet they have weaknesses that others can compliment. In co-dependency, we enable negative/bad behavior. This is not biblical, nor healthy. We are called to exhort one another, and speak the truth in love. This isn't always easy because there are usually repercussions for doing so in the beginning, but eventually we are often thanked for helping restore an individual to healthier behaviors...Michael

Thread winner ^^^^^^^

 

[Jennifer615]

I am a recovering codependent.

I too am tortured by my dysfunctional family of origin. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum a controlling codependent. Dad was emotionally unavailable, and mum controlled every aspect of my life, bullying me, and even demanding what to know what I was thinking. They weren't bad people, they did the best they knew how, but they were dysfunctional. My mum is still a control freak.

Almost all my relationships have been born out of codependence. I gave my virginity away at 21 in an attempt to keep my boyfriend who was losing interest (he broke up with me a week later), I have always based my self-esteme on whether my partner accepts me or not, and my last marriage was a direct result of my condependence.

I met my ex when my self-esteme was at its lowest. He treated me bad from the start. He was an alcoholic and took recreational drugs. Ours was a classic addict/codependent relationship. His addiction was drugs and mine was his. No matter how much he abused me, I stood by him. He always would say one or two nice things amongst all his insults which kept me hungry. I lied for him, hid his drunkedness and would constantly forgive him and believe his empty promises. After 2 years of drunkedness, he became a Christian and joined alcoholics anonomous. I was so happy - for 3 months. His addiction then turned to multi-level marketing. The old abuse patterns continued, he was never at home, always out doing "business", he constantly put me down and put guilt trips on me when I tried to make him see that he was throwing money down the drain.

I learnt about codependency from a recovery course at my church. Through that I got a deep understanding of what exactly was happening. I have read "love is a choice" and "boundaries". I did a codependency course with the church. That's when my recovery began.

I eventually left my abusive ex. It has been a long and hard road. I am now remarried to a wonderful man. I am still recovering, and can often see my old condependent patterns happen again. When he gets angry or blames me for something, I start to hate myself and think I am worthless. However this is a much healthier marriage without the addict/condependent dynamic.

Mghalpern has alot of very good insight into codependency.

Codependency is a living hell. It is a disease. My recovery is up and down sometimes. I pray that some day I will be free of it and finally love (at least like) myself.

 

[pegatha]

To some extent, I think codependency could be considered a synonym for dishonesty. Pretending that things are all right when they're not, making excuses for someone else's continued wrongdoing, acting from fear of how other people will perceive you (rather than your own convictions), stifling your righteous anger over a hurtful incident in the name of "Christian love": these are all essentially dishonest behaviors. Even when they're done from seemingly good motives.

For many years, I was the sort of person who felt compelled as a Christian never to risk hurting someone else's feelings or embarassing them. I felt that standing up for myself, even when the other person was clearly out of line, was "giving a bad witness" or failing to practice agape love. I can see now that my behavior actually emboldened and encouraged certain people to get away with destructive behavior. This led to a vicious cycle of more inward resentment and outward "agape" on my part, followed by worse behavior on their part and even more resentment on mine... All because I was afraid to be honest.

So I think my advice would be to deal honestly with little things as they come up. If something is genuinely hurtful or seems to be a red flag, don't overlook it in the name of "love". Deal with it with love and honesty. Never be afraid to "speak the truth in love."

 

[Lia]

Great topic! I learn and benefit a lot from this issue as I notice that I fit into these co/interdependency traits listed & the descriptions defined. I continually struggled about this issue in my past relationships. Now I am starting to see the light... God is changing me and wanting me to learn. Thanks Sascha for starting this thread and all of you who gave inputs.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

First of all, thank you EVERYBODY who replied to this thread, and keep replying in order to keep this up - I think there are more people struggling with this issue than like to admit it, so it's somewhere they can read up and find out more about it.

Jennifer, thank you SO much for sharing your story. Sometimes it's really therapeutic to get it off your chest and down on paper, isn't it. So much of what you said sounded SO familiar to me.

Pegatha - your take on what codependancy actually is, was awesome. I never thought about it that way - but you're right. In the past I was so scared that someone would find out how shocking my relationship was, that I did EVERYTHING to keep up the facade and stop any 'bad' stuff from coming up.

I'm getting a few requests for books that might help, so find them below:

Boundaries - the whole series by Henry Cloud and John Townsend: Boundaries, Boundaries in Dating (also called Boundaries before Marriage), Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries Face to Face.

Safe People - again by Cloud and Townsend

Longing for Daddy - Monique Robinson. Although it's predominantly for girls who have had a physically or psychologically absent father, it helped me understand a lot about my co-dependant traits, and work on erradicating them.

Kissed the Girls and Made them Cry - Lisa Bevere. It talks about how women lose when they give in, and addresses a lot of those co-dependant traits evidenced by doing ANYTHING (sexual included) to keep a guy interested and in a relationship with you.

Thanks guys - I'm fairly certain I've snuffed out most of those traits, and I keep myself accountable regularly, and this thread, and reading about how others have worked through it, will certainly help in that!



Sasch