- Mar 13, 2017
- 3,003
- 1,254
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- United States
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- Male
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- Christian
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- Single
It has come to my attention that this particular Christian singles group, the women there are using it more as a support group or safe space designated for anyone hurting from previous marriages or relationships.
That said, this isn't the standard Christian singles group, as a typical Christian singles group doesn't operate in this fashion. Personally, I think those hurting should be designated for an entirely different group....like divorce recovery or perhaps a counselor should come in for these people. It's more of a support group situation and not even a singles ministry as far as I'm concerned. It's self-focused... per this article I had posted some time ago.
Self-Help/Support Groups - Catharsis for Christians?
Someone here suggested I go to the leader of this group to discuss this, but he stands by his methods and in continuing their group in such a fashion. He could kind of relate to me, as he thought I was a great guy...and me and him came from a singles group where you paid an annual membership to meet other singles. So he figured my mission to find someone to date just won't work with his group as most women are there seeking asylum...and that's pretty much it. A safe space...which means, a safe space where they'd rather not be approached in a dating fashion.
The 5 bullet points that makes this all dangerous, per the above article, which references a Psycholy source:
1. Because group identity is so strong, there is little real identification with the rest of the church or with its mission. In fact, one often sees the mission of the church as meeting one's own particular "need," which in most cases is defined as "helping to control my 'problem' [never my sin] and work through the pain it causes me."
2. There is little deep fellowship with, or ministry to, other believers outside of the "identity" group. Only the group is deemed as being able to provide the unique sympathy craved. [What we end up with, in reality, are church-sponsored pity parties.]
3. Dependence on the group is usually so great that if one is separated from it for any length of time, his or her Christian walk begins to deteriorate.
4. Because the group's center is the group's common problem, and the methodology designed to control the problem, there never develops the confidence in Christ's faithfulness which allows one to experience the reality of His sufficiency and His power. Instead, sufficiency and power flow from the group and the group's methodology.
5. One's relationship with Christ is always self-centered. It always focuses on one's "problem" and how one can use Christ to keep the "problem" under control. This sabotages a healthy relationship of absolute dependence on Christ. One never completely trusts Jesus as his Lord of Glory, his only hope of glory, and himself as a servant of others for Christ's sake (2 Cor. 4:7). (The very nature of the group limits one's ability to move toward bringing every thought captive to Christ, where one's every longing is to see Christ face to face, where one's every work is to glorify and exalt Christ alone, and one's greatest joy is fellowship with Christ.)
That and the above just said, I personally think this is an unhealthy means by which people should try to cope, and when they started talking about taking newcomers under their wing in an attempt categorize them into the "newly hurt and struggling", I figured this was an a-ha moment and this is what made me search for this very thing online...and this site, although a rather obscure site on a web hosting domain that I was familiar with when I did some web hosting on it, I just found it funny that I came across it...esp. with it being an insignificant corner of the internet.
I did get 2 viewpoints, both from Christians. One man that was sadly got married a 2nd time, to a Christian woman, but it only lasted like 2 years. He didn't get much into the "why" of their divorce other than, "She had a lot of baggage" and continued to say that Churches are like hospitals and are typically pretty much filled with people with such baggage.
So a basic blanket statement about people in churches have baggage, while I guess if life is going well for you, they stop attending church or dont' attend church? I guess that explains all the "Please leave your baggage at the door" when it comes to seeing what's written up in these dating profiles. People who say this likely have little or no baggage...at least in that time of their lives.
Then when it all turns to poop, they start attending for the purpose of healing only themselves, and finding solace with those that have been through the same thing.
After his divorce, which wasn't long ago, he's now attending for the purposes of friendships and nothing more, which makes perfect sense...based on his life experience and divorce from a woman who had baggage.
Another Christian woman, I told her about this group and she was like "Whaaaat? That doesn't make any sense..it's a SINGLES group, so why NOT be open to being asked out.
She goes on to say, "Well, you KNOW what you're looking for and quite transparent about it...so good for you!"
So, here I have two lines of thought here. One that takes my side in "knowing what I want", while there's that category of people that only use church as a band-aid, and my move on after they are over their hump.
Of course, like I said, this is the wrong group to be doing this in.
Sometimes after they are over it all, you may not see them in church,or at least that particular group, as they go on with their lives.
So what are your thoughts. If you're using church as a way to get over things and move on, is it really the proper method? Is it healthy considering this is a self-serving process?
That said, this isn't the standard Christian singles group, as a typical Christian singles group doesn't operate in this fashion. Personally, I think those hurting should be designated for an entirely different group....like divorce recovery or perhaps a counselor should come in for these people. It's more of a support group situation and not even a singles ministry as far as I'm concerned. It's self-focused... per this article I had posted some time ago.
Self-Help/Support Groups - Catharsis for Christians?
Someone here suggested I go to the leader of this group to discuss this, but he stands by his methods and in continuing their group in such a fashion. He could kind of relate to me, as he thought I was a great guy...and me and him came from a singles group where you paid an annual membership to meet other singles. So he figured my mission to find someone to date just won't work with his group as most women are there seeking asylum...and that's pretty much it. A safe space...which means, a safe space where they'd rather not be approached in a dating fashion.
The 5 bullet points that makes this all dangerous, per the above article, which references a Psycholy source:
1. Because group identity is so strong, there is little real identification with the rest of the church or with its mission. In fact, one often sees the mission of the church as meeting one's own particular "need," which in most cases is defined as "helping to control my 'problem' [never my sin] and work through the pain it causes me."
2. There is little deep fellowship with, or ministry to, other believers outside of the "identity" group. Only the group is deemed as being able to provide the unique sympathy craved. [What we end up with, in reality, are church-sponsored pity parties.]
3. Dependence on the group is usually so great that if one is separated from it for any length of time, his or her Christian walk begins to deteriorate.
4. Because the group's center is the group's common problem, and the methodology designed to control the problem, there never develops the confidence in Christ's faithfulness which allows one to experience the reality of His sufficiency and His power. Instead, sufficiency and power flow from the group and the group's methodology.
5. One's relationship with Christ is always self-centered. It always focuses on one's "problem" and how one can use Christ to keep the "problem" under control. This sabotages a healthy relationship of absolute dependence on Christ. One never completely trusts Jesus as his Lord of Glory, his only hope of glory, and himself as a servant of others for Christ's sake (2 Cor. 4:7). (The very nature of the group limits one's ability to move toward bringing every thought captive to Christ, where one's every longing is to see Christ face to face, where one's every work is to glorify and exalt Christ alone, and one's greatest joy is fellowship with Christ.)
That and the above just said, I personally think this is an unhealthy means by which people should try to cope, and when they started talking about taking newcomers under their wing in an attempt categorize them into the "newly hurt and struggling", I figured this was an a-ha moment and this is what made me search for this very thing online...and this site, although a rather obscure site on a web hosting domain that I was familiar with when I did some web hosting on it, I just found it funny that I came across it...esp. with it being an insignificant corner of the internet.
I did get 2 viewpoints, both from Christians. One man that was sadly got married a 2nd time, to a Christian woman, but it only lasted like 2 years. He didn't get much into the "why" of their divorce other than, "She had a lot of baggage" and continued to say that Churches are like hospitals and are typically pretty much filled with people with such baggage.
So a basic blanket statement about people in churches have baggage, while I guess if life is going well for you, they stop attending church or dont' attend church? I guess that explains all the "Please leave your baggage at the door" when it comes to seeing what's written up in these dating profiles. People who say this likely have little or no baggage...at least in that time of their lives.
Then when it all turns to poop, they start attending for the purpose of healing only themselves, and finding solace with those that have been through the same thing.
After his divorce, which wasn't long ago, he's now attending for the purposes of friendships and nothing more, which makes perfect sense...based on his life experience and divorce from a woman who had baggage.
Another Christian woman, I told her about this group and she was like "Whaaaat? That doesn't make any sense..it's a SINGLES group, so why NOT be open to being asked out.
She goes on to say, "Well, you KNOW what you're looking for and quite transparent about it...so good for you!"
So, here I have two lines of thought here. One that takes my side in "knowing what I want", while there's that category of people that only use church as a band-aid, and my move on after they are over their hump.
Of course, like I said, this is the wrong group to be doing this in.
Sometimes after they are over it all, you may not see them in church,or at least that particular group, as they go on with their lives.
So what are your thoughts. If you're using church as a way to get over things and move on, is it really the proper method? Is it healthy considering this is a self-serving process?
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