Christian Responses to Grief -they're not helpful

[Susie~Q]

I agree with all that has been posted. I have been hurt the most by so-called, well-meaning Christians, and I am a Christian myself. Why, does it seem, do Christians act so cold and uncaring, or at least most of them?

When my mom died, I got very little support from others, when my daddy died, I got none except for two friends, and one of them just died. No one seems to care, not even family members, it hurts so much.

I hope I will not be cold like that when I am called upon to help someone through grief, may I always remember how it feels.

Hugs to all

 

[Susie~Q]

I just found this and I have to say I think the biggest issue is people not understanding our feelings if they have not lost someone.

I lost my dad 2 years ago tomorrow and my close friends ask if I am ok and they try to be there, but because they still have their dad's it is hard for them to understand on the emotional level.

I miss him so much and wish he was here. While I am glad he is no longer suffering, I wish he was healed and was better and here with me. We are suppose to go to the graveyard tomorrow, but a part of me is not sure I can even do that.

Awww, I am so sorry, my dad died a year ago, I cry all the time still. It hurts so badly. My husband still has his dad, he does not treat him too well, I told him one day he will be sorry, I would give anything to have even one hour with my daddy to let him know how much he meant to me, etc.

Don't worry if you can not go to the graveyard, I am sure he would understand, do what you feel you can, leave the rest in God's hands, if others judge you, that is their problem.

 

[Gailerina]

I actually did not go, I stayed the entire day in bed. I felt as it I was slipping. I decided that Friday to start my anti-depressant meds.

Awww, I am so sorry, my dad died a year ago, I cry all the time still. It hurts so badly. My husband still has his dad, he does not treat him too well, I told him one day he will be sorry, I would give anything to have even one hour with my daddy to let him know how much he meant to me, etc.

Don't worry if you can not go to the graveyard, I am sure he would understand, do what you feel you can, leave the rest in God's hands, if others judge you, that is their problem.

 

[ConfuseddotCom]

I could have written that OP!

 

[bill5]

I think most people who say the wrong thing mean well, they just don't realize how it comes off to the people they're saying it to. Having had my share of loss in recent years, I've learned that their intent is more important than the stupid things they say (that doesn't mean I like it though). I would rather someone say the wrong thing, knowing they meant well and even though it might tick me off, vs being ignored. There were times when this hurt me most of all - no visit, no call, not even a card. Gee thanks.

PS a friend pointed me to this site that someone they know did and I thought it summed it up pretty well, esp about what not to say!

Grief Help - Know Someone Grieving-?

 

[bill5]

Very sorry to all of you who lost a loved one.

Someone I was very close to in my family died a few years ago. I've since come to terms with it, pretty much. The first two to three years after the death were the hardest.

I think more painful than the loss itself was the lack of support from other people, especially other Christians.

I'm a Christian. The Bible says to "weep with those who are weeping," but Christians don't actually live that teaching out.

Some do, some don't. I've gotten lack of support from people I thought cared about me ranging from Christians to agnostics to atheists. It isn't about their religious beliefs.

I'm sorry for your loss as well and hope you're in a much better place now.

 

[blackribbon]

The OP stated what I have been trying to tell people for 5 years. Church is not a safe place for widows. God has been good and provided for my family. I go to church but even most of the widows groups are about putting on masks that show how "okay we are". For some reason, we are unChristian if we are weak, lonely, or sad. There is a lot of advice but very few people actually act and when they do, it is usually only on their time schedules not based on our needs.

I have learned that nobody wants to hear how I really am doing. Everyone makes promises to make themselves feel better because they forget when I am out of sight. And they seem to think that I am strong...so strong that they bring their problems to me to listen to....which I do. (The worst ones are the ones who want to complain about their spouses....one who actually wished hers dead "like mine".)

I moved 1500 miles away from home...800 miles from our nearest friend or relative....because being in a new place without friends feels a lot less lonely than being surrounded by people who claim to love you but obviously don't know how to show it.

Ironically, I have been hit up on to raise money in the church multiple times for the "widows and orphans" funds....even after I tell them I AM a widow. I need to live in a foreign country to be a widow? I guess everyone assumes that we had big insurance policies or something.... I wish that once, one of those people raising the money would hand me a business card and say "oh, if you ever need any help, please call us."

There is no grief support for families within the Christian church anywhere that I have found. Luckily, I have found a grief support group for my kids that was fabulous but there was no God in it. I know of several others...but again, they are sponsored through non-Christian organization.

 

[blackribbon]

Our society as a whole is very unprepared to handle death. Ironic since the only given after being born is that we each will die. Death isn't just for the ungodly.

We also focus too much on the dead person and not the one left behind who now has to live with the emptiness. If the person was a Christian, they are more than fine now regardless of how horrific their death was. The people who are hurt most are the living ones who now have to learn how to live without them and heal from the psychological wounds that come with grief.

 

[dabro]

Yup, here I posted something about a friend that died.....I felt a lot of guilt because I felt like I didn't do enough for him....I found out he died three months after his death.....Nobody understood and my main concern was he with God or not. and, since I wasn't sure people picked that up (christians) saying he rejected the way and is in hell.....I mean how mean can you get than to kick someone when there down and who are we as (christian) and that's a little "c" to judge where people have gone......That is what upsets me the most.....We as christians are going to have friends that we concern about and pray they will be saved.....When one of them dies we feel a heartbreak because we would love to know they are okay.....When a christian dies they retire to Glory and we mourn but, not like we do when we have friends that where unsure about........That is what makes me angry.

 

[HauntedByYou]

Granted there is a lot of this going on. But you have to consider other motives. Many times people simply don't know How to help. So they do their best. Which often times doesn't help at all, or even does more damage. But keep in mind some people do try out of a sincerity to help and just are not equipped with how to do so.
And this becomes doubly difficult because not all people handle grief the same or have the same needs. Some people just need to vent every so often while others need a lot of counsel and encouragement. Some respond well to a 'get over it' attitude while others need lots of hugs and support. Some people can't handle thinking of it or wanting it brought up, while others can handle having it brought up, so knowing whether to ask, or not ask, how they are doing in that area can be difficult.
But yes, there is a lot of just plain ignorant and bad counsel out there coming from psuedo-spiritual ideas and people. But not all, some are just unsure of what to do.

 

[blackribbon]

Why do Christians need to point out that a non-Christian is now in hell?

I have a non-Christian friend who flat out decided that church was not for him because when he dies, he wanted to go be with his wife where-ever she was (even though we know they won't be together). The comments he heard ranged from letting him know she is in hell (thanks for the comfort, we all need reality checks when our spouses die); to "God must have needed her" (sounds like a real loving God who would selfishly take her and leave him and two young boys to try to make it without her).

I still haven't figured out how to undo the damage done by "well meaning" but not thinking Christian. He is in God's hands.

 

[Susie~Q]

It is truly sad when folks say things like that, I mean, it is non of their business, when you hurt you do NOT need to hear nasty, negative responses, that is so ungodly, who are they to say where he is anyway, for all they know, he could have repented the last minute and gone to heaven, no one knows what goes on in a persons mind as they are dying. These kind of so-called Christians need to shut up.

I am sorry for your pain.

 

[ladycounselor2be]

Hello
I thank God for your heartfelt honesty. I cannot disagree with you; because it is so true. I am living it everyday.
5 years ago I lost my mother. I have only one sibling, am single (no longer married) and have no children. My sibling and I have always had a difficult relationship. Suffice it to say we are the modern day version of Caine and Abel. My mother left a Will naming my sibling the Executor. She did this 6 months after I married, as I was the eldest and her reasoning's was that I'd be attending and busy with my own family. It made perfect sense, as my mother was a Christian she probably did not do this without seeking God first. However; she did not count how black my sibling soul was, she managed to hire an unethical lawyer, and I was evicted from my own home. (there are other mitigating circumstances, that prompt the use of my ) but it is too lengthy for this forum. However, it would be the beginning of a difficult life for me, because when I was been removed from the home I was not allowed to take anything even though I had a moving truck outside. My siblings unethical lawyer, was there taking pictures. The house was robbed and vandalized (I couldn't even take my clothing) and I was left desolate. What wasn't stolen, was vandalized. Now I am homeless, possession less, friendless church less, and with no family. The insurance is another issue.
I have been homeless for 2 years now, living with strangers, I have been attacked, threaten with an automobile, I loss my hearing in one ear for six months which had to be open with surgery, I feel and busted my knee cap which required me to be in a leg brace for 8 weeks. It was during this time my lawyer turns coat, and my insurance claim was denied, because I was flat on my back unable to move around.
My mother and I were both active in the church, yet no one even so much as brought me a meal. Phone calls would go unanswered.
My pastor said "oh well you lost the house I done all I can" I couldn't even get anyone to pray for me. My friends (Christians) say that it is something that I did even though they call themselves Christians. I'd been laughed at, slandered, pointed fingers at and most of these are Christians. I said, to a friend, whose life is less than Christ-like even though she is a self professed Christian says for me to stop pestering God and just let him deal with me.
I lost my father, a month ago today. My sibling had my father change all the insurance policies making her the beneficiary and its a disaster- yet my Aunt who is a Christian seems only to relate the evil to what was done to her- (my sibling tried to sleep with her husband).
So, I say to you, you; are absolutely right however we are in good company.
Jesus was abandoned, as well as misunderstood.
But how many scriptures tell us that this is the very nature of man :

[/Trust ye not in a friend: Micah 7:5 .I]
With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the Lord: 2 Chr. 32:8 .
Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: Isa. 2:22 . ( 2 Ne. 12:22 . )
Trust ye not in a friend: Micah 7:5 .

walk not after the flesh: Rom. 8:1 .
have no confidence in the flesh: Philip. 3:3 .

I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh: 2 Ne. 4:34 .
Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man: 2 Ne. 28:31 .
trust no one to be your teacher … except … a man of God: Mosiah 23:14
and so on.... While we are called to encourage, and strengthen one Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thess 5:11 - however many of us do not. It maybe because we cannot. I think about it frequently, and it keeps me on my knees as I do not want to treat others as I have I been treated. I think this is why we go through this?

To God be the Glory, for he is Elohim the Creator of the Heaven and Earth, the God of Might and Strength!

 

[Susie~Q]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just do not understand a lot of so-called "Christians" I have found myself wanting to be friends with non-Christians because they are more sincere, that is so sad.

When my mother was sick in the hospital, some of the in-house chaplins would visit, but when she was in a local hospital, her parish priest did not come by, and when she was at home and wanted to see him, he came by once, the rest of the time, he said he had a busy schedule. Usually, a lady from the church that did home visits came, she was very nice, and stayed at the hospital with me the last day of my mother's death. The rest of the church members did not come by and she had been going there for 9 years, they did not ask my daddy or I if we needed help after her death either. I just don't get it.

In this little village, they seem nice, but, I am not sure how they would be in a crisis, hopefully, they can be counted on.

 

[bill5]

Yup, here I posted something about a friend that died.....I felt a lot of guilt because I felt like I didn't do enough for him....I found out he died three months after his death.....Nobody understood and my main concern was he with God or not. and, since I wasn't sure people picked that up (christians) saying he rejected the way and is in hell.....

How disgusting. I'm sorry you experienced this. This reminds me of the story of the Pharisees who Jesus condemned as self-righteous. NOBODY on this Earth knows for sure who does or doesn't get into Heaven, and to claim otherwise, in a situation like that of all things, isn't just arrogant and stupid but insanely insensitive - ie not very "Christian."

Granted there is a lot of this going on. But you have to consider other motives. Many times people simply don't know How to help. So they do their best. Which often times doesn't help at all, or even does more damage. But keep in mind some people do try out of a sincerity to help and just are not equipped with how to do so.
And this becomes doubly difficult because not all people handle grief the same or have the same needs. Some people just need to vent every so often while others need a lot of counsel and encouragement. Some respond well to a 'get over it' attitude while others need lots of hugs and support. Some people can't handle thinking of it or wanting it brought up, while others can handle having it brought up, so knowing whether to ask, or not ask, how they are doing in that area can be difficult.
But yes, there is a lot of just plain ignorant and bad counsel out there coming from psuedo-spiritual ideas and people. But not all, some are just unsure of what to do.

Exactly, good point

I have a non-Christian friend who flat out decided that church was not for him because when he dies, he wanted to go be with his wife where-ever she was (even though we know they won't be together).

I'm sorry for any offense, but this gets back to what I said above....no, "we" don't know. Not you, not me, nobody knows what the final judgment will be for any given person. We think we do, and we may have good reason and it all sounds very logical.......but we aren't God. We don't know what his decisions are, and I'm quite confident that many of them would surprise us, not unlike how Jesus often surprised people with his responses.

 

[blackribbon]

Grief programs for children are awesome but too hard to find many times. I have helped people find them across the country for children whose fathers or mothers died. Sad to say, I don't remember any of them being Christian sponsored like the ones I send adults to. What does that say? In church, they actually hit my kids up for money to give to "widows and orphans"....but interesting enough, widows and orphans seem to all live in foreign countries. Since my kids don't have any money, (or at least didn't at the time), where do you think that "widow and orphan" money came from?

 

[bill5]

Why do Christians need to point out that a non-Christian is now in hell?

I have a non-Christian friend who flat out decided that church was not for him because when he dies, he wanted to go be with his wife where-ever she was (even though we know they won't be together).

Ironic that you would criticize people doing something and then do it in the same post. Sorry, you don't "know" any such thing, nor do any of us. Only God knows what happens after someone passes.

It is truly sad when folks say things like that, I mean, it is non of their business, when you hurt you do NOT need to hear nasty, negative responses, that is so ungodly, who are they to say where he is anyway, for all they know, he could have repented the last minute and gone to heaven, no one knows what goes on in a persons mind as they are dying.

Exactly.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just do not understand a lot of so-called "Christians" I have found myself wanting to be friends with non-Christians because they are more sincere,

Oh please. People are not more or less inherently sincere due to their religious beliefs. I've met more than my share of non-Christians who were as sincere as a $3 bill.