Christian Responses to Grief -they're not helpful

[weedygarden]

Very sorry to all of you who lost a loved one.

Someone I was very close to in my family died a few years ago. I've since come to terms with it, pretty much. The first two to three years after the death were the hardest.

I think more painful than the loss itself was the lack of support from other people, especially other Christians.

I'm a Christian. The Bible says to "weep with those who are weeping," but Christians don't actually live that teaching out.

It's not just concerning death, but any time you go through any heartbreak in life - loss of job, maybe you have depression, whatever - and you go to another Christian to confide in them about it, to look for encouragement and empathy, my experience has been most Christians do one of the following very hurtful, infuriating, or unhelpful things, instead:

1. state a platitude or cliche (or maybe quote a Bible verse)

2. criticize you

3. judge you

4. blame you for your problem (even if it is not your fault)

5. try to shut you up as fast as they can because they're too lazy or uncomfortable to spare a couple of hours to listen to someone cry or vent

6. compete - tell you that the time they went through "X" was ten times more painful than what you're going through now

7. deny - they will tell you that "real" Christians don't suffer like you are, that you must be lacking faith / not praying enough/ you must not be saved / you have some unrepented sin

8. diminish - tell you that starving orphans in Africa have life worse than you, so either, they believe:
a. you have nothing to complain about; or
b. you need to count your blessings / look on the bright side.

In light of being on the receiving end of all those obnoxious, nauseating responses by other Christians (especially after my loved one died), I learned that other Christians cannot be counted on.

You will pretty much have to learn to cope with the death (or whatever painful experience you're going through) all alone. If you get transparent with a Christian about any kind of psychological pain you're in, most of them will wound you further.

 

[HopingForJesus]

I still try to have hope that there are actually some truly compassionate and patient Christians out there. I am lacking in friends and have no Christian friends. The one that acted like a friend did many of the things you have mentioned and it hurt me pretty badly. She also told me my worrying was idolatry (I have OCD). I am not grieving over the loss of a loved one but wanted to comment. I am still working on forgiving that so called friend. May you find peace and God bless.

 

[elee09]

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm having a lot of trouble grieving but all I hear is "Oh, it was God's will. We have to accept God's will."... Even if it is His will, repeating that over and over doesn't take my pain away.

 

[nota]

Dear weedygarden,

You have described the sad situation so eloquently, there is nothing I could add to the topic. My experience has been identical to your`s.

All once in awhile I do come across a christian who is different and acts differently.
Whose life actually matches his or her words.
These odd christians are a treasure to me, they embody Creator Jesus` hope for the world..........

nota

 

[brknhrt]

It was so difficult when my son died and most people at my church of 27 years turned their backs on me. I think it was something they didn't want to think about so they just ignored me. I also heard all the platitudes. God let this happen so....... Even the preacher (I will never call him a pastor) told people God let my son die as a wake-up call for his son who had the same name. Yeah, he was an arrogant jerk.

Because the Bible says that we don't grieve as the world grieves they also expect you to "get over it". They really couldn't believe that three months later I still cried every day.

Went through #s 1, 2, 3, 5 & 7.

We recently moved away and I haven't even tried to find a church yet. We are out in the country and the only close churches are way too liberal for me.

By the way, it will be 12 years in Feb. and I still cry most every day.

 

[Alienated]

Very sorry to all of you who lost a loved one.

Someone I was very close to in my family died a few years ago. I've since come to terms with it, pretty much. The first two to three years after the death were the hardest.

I think more painful than the loss itself was the lack of support from other people, especially other Christians.

I'm a Christian. The Bible says to "weep with those who are weeping," but Christians don't actually live that teaching out.

It's not just concerning death, but any time you go through any heartbreak in life - loss of job, maybe you have depression, whatever - and you go to another Christian to confide in them about it, to look for encouragement and empathy, my experience has been most Christians do one of the following very hurtful, infuriating, or unhelpful things, instead:

1. state a platitude or cliche (or maybe quote a Bible verse)

2. criticize you

3. judge you

4. blame you for your problem (even if it is not your fault)

5. try to shut you up as fast as they can because they're too lazy or uncomfortable to spare a couple of hours to listen to someone cry or vent

6. compete - tell you that the time they went through "X" was ten times more painful than what you're going through now

7. deny - they will tell you that "real" Christians don't suffer like you are, that you must be lacking faith / not praying enough/ you must not be saved / you have some unrepented sin

8. diminish - tell you that starving orphans in Africa have life worse than you, so either, they believe:
a. you have nothing to complain about; or
b. you need to count your blessings / look on the bright side.

In light of being on the receiving end of all those obnoxious, nauseating responses by other Christians (especially after my loved one died), I learned that other Christians cannot be counted on.

You will pretty much have to learn to cope with the death (or whatever painful experience you're going through) all alone. If you get transparent with a Christian about any kind of psychological pain you're in, most of them will wound you further.

Thank God I'm not going crazy !

My whole family has pasted away, and I have been going to different churches hoping to find the family of Christ that's supposed to be there for me. ( It ISN"T )

All the things and approches you mentioned Deja' MOO heard all that bull before.
Out of 28 churches and a Christian counselor, and a mens group, not 1 person could even say I'm sorry for your loss. Nor did anyone even call me to wish me a marry Christmas. So much for "Pity the man who has no one to help him up" and " Blessed are those that morn for they shall be comforted."

I have been hanging out in the Apathy in the Church forum. Trying to get a handel on just what's going on, till I found here. By the way you left one response out, and if I heard it again I was going to loose it. " We can control our thoughts, just think happy ones." And when you ask them what's wrong with them ? They tell you to read books like "The bait of Satan " Escaping the trap of offence. And shun you, as a malcontent.

I was beginning to think I was on Planet of the Apes ! What happened to compassion ?

 

[morethanenough06]

I'm so sorry people are responding to you this way; that is so hurtful. I was fortunate, when my husband passed people were so super compassionate. The most hurtful people, surprisingly were my parents. I know they meant well, but their lack of confidence in me was so hurtful. I needed encouragement, not them telling me that I'd never be able to raise my kids alone, or that I should move closer to them so they could help me! I quickly learned to put up my boundaries with them and limit my visits with them. My biggest advice to those of you who are grieving right now is to be very careful who you spend time with. Be with those who encourage and support you; limit your time with those who heap more pain on you. You have enough to handle in your grief right now. I know that's not always possible, but I pray God will protect you from those who don't have your best interests in mind.

 

[Alienated]

Thank you morethanenough


It's allot of help finding others that will even admit there's a problem with peoples attitude. I don't have anyone that gives any encouragement or support of any kind, that's why I'm reaching out electronically. I've spent the last 1 1/2 years looking for a mission overseas I can spend the rest of my life serving, even pay my own way.
But I can't even find someone to listen to what I got to offer, which is allot.


I admit I learned from the school of hard knocks, but that's what makes Empathy truly heart felt. I've known homelessness, starvation, addiction, persecution, death, war, isolation, abandonment, and Salvation and deliverance from all these and more. And after God lifted me up out of that pit of despair and on solid ground, He asked 2 questions. Are you ready to walk through fire to get to me ? And are you willing to die for someone you don't even know ?

I'm on fire for God, but in a country that's cold as dry ice. I want to expatriate, I don't have anything or anyone to return to. And find a place that want's to deal with their problems, not deny they exist. This has been the hardest of all tests of my faith, to be stifled by other Christians because of my desire to serve.

 

[artqween]

Very sorry to all of you who lost a loved one.

Someone I was very close to in my family died a few years ago. I've since come to terms with it, pretty much. The first two to three years after the death were the hardest.

I think more painful than the loss itself was the lack of support from other people, especially other Christians.

I'm a Christian. The Bible says to "weep with those who are weeping," but Christians don't actually live that teaching out.

It's not just concerning death, but any time you go through any heartbreak in life - loss of job, maybe you have depression, whatever - and you go to another Christian to confide in them about it, to look for encouragement and empathy, my experience has been most Christians do one of the following very hurtful, infuriating, or unhelpful things, instead:

1. state a platitude or cliche (or maybe quote a Bible verse)

2. criticize you

3. judge you

4. blame you for your problem (even if it is not your fault)

5. try to shut you up as fast as they can because they're too lazy or uncomfortable to spare a couple of hours to listen to someone cry or vent

6. compete - tell you that the time they went through "X" was ten times more painful than what you're going through now

7. deny - they will tell you that "real" Christians don't suffer like you are, that you must be lacking faith / not praying enough/ you must not be saved / you have some unrepented sin

8. diminish - tell you that starving orphans in Africa have life worse than you, so either, they believe:
a. you have nothing to complain about; or
b. you need to count your blessings / look on the bright side.

In light of being on the receiving end of all those obnoxious, nauseating responses by other Christians (especially after my loved one died), I learned that other Christians cannot be counted on.

You will pretty much have to learn to cope with the death (or whatever painful experience you're going through) all alone. If you get transparent with a Christian about any kind of psychological pain you're in, most of them will wound you further.

Aww weedygarden that is aweful. shame in those who didnt help u. The nerve of them . it sounds rather twisted in my opinion. u r did bond with ur family?? u did have some crying time? as well as some closer time?? God plez be there for friend here. W.g. Has been through so much unnecessary pain. From people who hurt wg feelings. Plez help with the pain... never suffer from pain anymore.. U came to the right place. Also where was this where all those people hurt u? Do u attend church? why would they do that?? Do u know??

 

[Coire]

Very sorry to all of you who lost a loved one.

Someone I was very close to in my family died a few years ago. I've since come to terms with it, pretty much. The first two to three years after the death were the hardest.

I think more painful than the loss itself was the lack of support from other people, especially other Christians.

I'm a Christian. The Bible says to "weep with those who are weeping," but Christians don't actually live that teaching out.

It's not just concerning death, but any time you go through any heartbreak in life - loss of job, maybe you have depression, whatever - and you go to another Christian to confide in them about it, to look for encouragement and empathy, my experience has been most Christians do one of the following very hurtful, infuriating, or unhelpful things, instead:

1. state a platitude or cliche (or maybe quote a Bible verse)

2. criticize you

3. judge you

4. blame you for your problem (even if it is not your fault)

5. try to shut you up as fast as they can because they're too lazy or uncomfortable to spare a couple of hours to listen to someone cry or vent

6. compete - tell you that the time they went through "X" was ten times more painful than what you're going through now

7. deny - they will tell you that "real" Christians don't suffer like you are, that you must be lacking faith / not praying enough/ you must not be saved / you have some unrepented sin

8. diminish - tell you that starving orphans in Africa have life worse than you, so either, they believe:
a. you have nothing to complain about; or
b. you need to count your blessings / look on the bright side.

In light of being on the receiving end of all those obnoxious, nauseating responses by other Christians (especially after my loved one died), I learned that other Christians cannot be counted on.

You will pretty much have to learn to cope with the death (or whatever painful experience you're going through) all alone. If you get transparent with a Christian about any kind of psychological pain you're in, most of them will wound you further.

i want to be a christian who doesn't do any of these things. i want to be filled with Christ's compassion. im sorry to hear that u've lost a loved one btw. i don't know how i'd cope if i lost someone i love

 

[artqween]

I'm so sorry people are responding to you this way; that is so hurtful. I was fortunate, when my husband passed people were so super compassionate. The most hurtful people, surprisingly were my parents. I know they meant well, but their lack of confidence in me was so hurtful. I needed encouragement, not them telling me that I'd never be able to raise my kids alone, or that I should move closer to them so they could help me! I quickly learned to put up my boundaries with them and limit my visits with them. My biggest advice to those of you who are grieving right now is to be very careful who you spend time with. Be with those who encourage and support you; limit your time with those who heap more pain on you. You have enough to handle in your grief right now. I know that's not always possible, but I pray God will protect you from those who don't have your best interests in mind.

Hi.. May heart goes out to all victims whose lives got devasted due to death of a loved one/. the pain is intense. Tealizing u will never see or hear their loving tones or etc Aww. Shame on those who werent there for u mentally. They obv.ly have issues huh?

May u all find peace and closer. If any of u lost a friend or family member through cancer Possibly ask ur local hospital create a special area in dedication to all the cancer victims. To add their fotos and etc..?

Also any body interested in a celebration party in dedication to those that passed on to be an angel?? to know they r in heaven??

 

[Alienated]

They have NO hearts, No brains, No souls, they have become the most gutless, useless, bottom feeding species on EARTH. They are detestable and unfit for doing anything Good. Even a vicious dog will show sympathy if you start crying, but NOT A CHRISTIAN !! They will flat out say they don't want to hear it. May God squash all their evil lying heads like melons. You couldn't get a Christian to lift a finger to help another person, even if you pay them. They take your money and laugh at you as they watch you DIE. They are spiritual vampires that destroy everything and everybody for kicks, and then blame you for feeling hurt. Oh their full of a spirit !! But it's NOT Holy !! They are without shame. I haven't met 1 in two years that's capable of tell any truth, and their so delusional with self righteousness they make me puke !! I offer a challenge ... Just find 1 just 1 that even knows what REAL COMPASSION is, you won't!!!

WHAAAAH ! I don't believe in God anymore cause I didn't get what I want for Christmas...
Just shut your whining mouths up, you don't know what suffering is... But you know how to cause it.

I am writing a book called :

"Why should I care about you, I have Jesus "
A true story of my personal Journey through the SOCIOPATHIC churches of America.

 

[artqween]

They have NO hearts, No brains, No souls, they have become the most gutless, useless, bottom feeding species on EARTH. They are detestable and unfit for doing anything Good. Even a vicious dog will show sympathy if you start crying, but NOT A CHRISTIAN !! They will flat out say they don't want to hear it. May God squash all their evil lying heads like melons. You couldn't get a Christian to lift a finger to help another person, even if you pay them. They take your money and laugh at you as they watch you DIE. They are spiritual vampires that destroy everything and everybody for kicks, and then blame you for feeling hurt. Oh their full of a spirit !! But it's NOT Holy !! They are without shame. I haven't met 1 in two years that's capable of tell any truth, and their so delusional with self righteousness they make me puke !! I offer a challenge ... Just find 1 just 1 that even knows what REAL COMPASSION is, you won't!!!

WHAAAAH ! I don't believe in God anymore cause I didn't get what I want for Christmas...
Just shut your whining mouths up, you don't know what suffering is... But you know how to cause it.

I am writing a book called :

"Why should I care about you, I have Jesus "
A true story of my personal Journey through the SOCIOPATHIC churches of America.

thats is so sad. Ive met a few people who claimd they were Gods people yea right u r :-/.. It freakd me out to. Some of them calld thenselves mormons :/. They were quite pushy in their tone/. I believe they seemd to have been bullies themselves and .. Then u realize what God is really about.. love and acceptance, peace,... the clean feeling .

Thank goodness God true fisher of men people dont do that. They know respect, compassion, smiles, motivational words and tones,... they dont demean people/.. hi btw.. Will ever see those people u just discribed again?? Unfort.ly?? plezd to meet u..

 

[artqween]

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm having a lot of trouble grieving but all I hear is "Oh, it was God's will. We have to accept God's will."... Even if it is His will, repeating that over and over doesn't take my pain away.

Yea.. That really doesnt help matters huh?? I think hearing that phrase makes it that much odder i u can it :-/

Who did u loss? and what happend?? We will be there for u... Hi btw sister.

 

[artqween]

Very sorry to all of you who lost a loved one.

Someone I was very close to in my family died a few years ago. I've since come to terms with it, pretty much. The first two to three years after the death were the hardest.

I think more painful than the loss itself was the lack of support from other people, especially other Christians.

I'm a Christian. The Bible says to "weep with those who are weeping," but Christians don't actually live that teaching out.

It's not just concerning death, but any time you go through any heartbreak in life - loss of job, maybe you have depression, whatever - and you go to another Christian to confide in them about it, to look for encouragement and empathy, my experience has been most Christians do one of the following very hurtful, infuriating, or unhelpful things, instead:

1. state a platitude or cliche (or maybe quote a Bible verse)

2. criticize you

3. judge you

4. blame you for your problem (even if it is not your fault)

5. try to shut you up as fast as they can because they're too lazy or uncomfortable to spare a couple of hours to listen to someone cry or vent

6. compete - tell you that the time they went through "X" was ten times more painful than what you're going through now

7. deny - they will tell you that "real" Christians don't suffer like you are, that you must be lacking faith / not praying enough/ you must not be saved / you have some unrepented sin

8. diminish - tell you that starving orphans in Africa have life worse than you, so either, they believe:
a. you have nothing to complain about; or
b. you need to count your blessings / look on the bright side.

In light of being on the receiving end of all those obnoxious, nauseating responses by other Christians (especially after my loved one died), I learned that other Christians cannot be counted on.

You will pretty much have to learn to cope with the death (or whatever painful experience you're going through) all alone. If you get transparent with a Christian about any kind of psychological pain you're in, most of them will wound you further.

Losing a loved one or friend is heart wrinching

Who would like some...

 

[morethanenough06]

They have NO hearts, No brains, No souls, they have become the most gutless, useless, bottom feeding species on EARTH. They are detestable and unfit for doing anything Good. Even a vicious dog will show sympathy if you start crying, but NOT A CHRISTIAN !! They will flat out say they don't want to hear it. May God squash all their evil lying heads like melons. You couldn't get a Christian to lift a finger to help another person, even if you pay them. They take your money and laugh at you as they watch you DIE. They are spiritual vampires that destroy everything and everybody for kicks, and then blame you for feeling hurt. Oh their full of a spirit !! But it's NOT Holy !! They are without shame. I haven't met 1 in two years that's capable of tell any truth, and their so delusional with self righteousness they make me puke !! I offer a challenge ... Just find 1 just 1 that even knows what REAL COMPASSION is, you won't!!!

WHAAAAH ! I don't believe in God anymore cause I didn't get what I want for Christmas...
Just shut your whining mouths up, you don't know what suffering is... But you know how to cause it.

I am writing a book called :

"Why should I care about you, I have Jesus "
A true story of my personal Journey through the SOCIOPATHIC churches of America.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much Alienated. Please don't assume all Christians are like this though. My experience has been quite the opposite. We are all just a fallen bunch of people who are capable of doing both good and bad. I believe everyone has some good in them, you just have to look for it. I pray that God will put someone in your life that can minister to you and be a non-judgemental and loving support to you.

When my husband died, I had one friend in particular who was especially supportive to me. She gave a lot of her time to me and was always there for me, to listen, to spend time with, whatever.... Last year, she got upset at me for something I thought was incredibly insignificant and not worth risking a friendship over. She wrote me a nasty letter and upset me horribly. But I had to remember this was the same person who was there for me when my husband died, who has been my faithful friend for a decade of years. I don't know what caused this outburst, maybe she was going through a hard time or something. But my point is, we all have both good and bad in us; it is a choice really, but we fail, often. People will always disappoint us, let us down, and hurt us. People are entirely unreliable. And the most pain I've received has been from those I love the most. But I've realized in life that if we shut people out because of the bad they cause us, we also shut out the good, leaving us alone, and really, in more pain. God is the only one that is always there for us, that loves us completely. But when we rest in him and lean on him fully he heals us. And when he heals us and we've learned to rely on him fully, the words of others don't carry the same sting. It's amazing how that happens. So keep resting in him Alienated. He will heal you from the pain these people have inflicted on you, and he will protect you from further hurt by their words.

 

[pnktulip]

I too didn't feel I got any help from my Christian family when I lost my husband last year. Yes, they try to say things to help or offer to help in some way but I finally figured out that there is nothing anyone can say or do to help...
I have to grieve alone in a way that I need. No one can understand what you are going through. Everyone is different and every situation is different.
I heard so much about time will help and it will get better... Well, it's been 18 months and I feel more alone and more lost than ever. I miss him more every day and I still get angry when I see other couples together, or couples retiring and enjoying family and life. We too had so many plans, hopes and dreams that will never happen. My husband was my life and yes I have wonderful children and grandchildren but they cannot take his place. It's horrible to be left alone.
I also learned as I thought it would be.. after a few months no one wants to hear how depressed your are and what a hard time you are having. Life for them goes on and you are forgotten but my life ended when I lost my husband.
I wish there were something someone could say or do but there just isn't.
I trusted and believed with all my heart that God would heal my husband and let him live but he didn't and I still ask Why???

 

[SMacGregor]

Overcoming grief or grief depression over a loss of a child, family member, serious illness such as cancer, or death of a pet is a difficult process. Whether the departure of a loved one is sudden, or has been anticipated over a period of time, we experience a powerful and complex range of emotions of grief – including disbelief, shock, anger, hatred, guilt, loss of faith, fear of the future, loneliness, regret. Going through this is a normal part of the grieving process and is necessary to reconcile ourselves in some way so that we can move on from the experience to become a better, stronger person with a greater sense of purpose in life as a result.

Cheers,
Sandy MacGregor

 

[Chococat]

They have NO hearts, No brains, No souls, they have become the most gutless, useless, bottom feeding species on EARTH. They are detestable and unfit for doing anything Good. Even a vicious dog will show sympathy if you start crying, but NOT A CHRISTIAN !! They will flat out say they don't want to hear it. May God squash all their evil lying heads like melons. You couldn't get a Christian to lift a finger to help another person, even if you pay them. They take your money and laugh at you as they watch you DIE. They are spiritual vampires that destroy everything and everybody for kicks, and then blame you for feeling hurt. Oh their full of a spirit !! But it's NOT Holy !! They are without shame. I haven't met 1 in two years that's capable of tell any truth, and their so delusional with self righteousness they make me puke !! I offer a challenge ... Just find 1 just 1 that even knows what REAL COMPASSION is, you won't!!!

WHAAAAH ! I don't believe in God anymore cause I didn't get what I want for Christmas...
Just shut your whining mouths up, you don't know what suffering is... But you know how to cause it.

I am writing a book called :

"Why should I care about you, I have Jesus "
A true story of my personal Journey through the SOCIOPATHIC churches of America.

I'm so sorry you have been so badly hurt by people who claim to be Christians I have had some similar experiences especially online so I can relate to your feelings. Don't you just love it when you are hurting only to have some "Christian" make you feel 10 times worse with their at best thoughtless and at worse downright callous comment *sarcasm*! I even had a hurtful comment given to me less than 3 hours after my mother passed away this week. The hardcore fundamentalists are the worse, in my experience and I say that as a conservative, Bible believing Christian not as a liberal (no offence to any liberals here ) Jesus did say that there will be many who say "Lord Lord" but He won't give them the time of day, so to speak, on Judgment Day and I suspect these will more likely be the "holier than thou" type rather than the ones who lack perfect doctrine. Yet these Pharisees are usually the ones who think THEY are the true believers and anyone who doesn't believe exactly as they do is doomed to Hell. Boy are they in for a surprise, IMHO!:Having said I HAVE met many kind and loving believers both on and offline. So if I was you I wouldn't give up on Christians just yet. Plus even the best Christian in the world is greatly imperfect and will sin and hurt others at times. Though there is a great difference between those who try and fail and those who don't even try!

 

[Gailerina]

I just found this and I have to say I think the biggest issue is people not understanding our feelings if they have not lost someone.

I lost my dad 2 years ago tomorrow and my close friends ask if I am ok and they try to be there, but because they still have their dad's it is hard for them to understand on the emotional level.

I miss him so much and wish he was here. While I am glad he is no longer suffering, I wish he was healed and was better and here with me. We are suppose to go to the graveyard tomorrow, but a part of me is not sure I can even do that.