Christian relationship advice

[Jane3322]

Thanks everyone !

- being a baby Christian , I sometimes feel as if I am still having “wordly” thoughts, which is why I feel guilty for disliking the whole ambition issue. I have prayed about this many times but I have not received an answer. But my “gut feeling” always tells me to end it. However , I get confused if this comes from the “wordly” mentality. I’m still learning

 

[bèlla]

There's a video by a famous entrepreneur I saw several years ago. I can't link to it because of the profanity. But his message was spot on. He calls out "gonna" and addresses the absence of doing and sacrifice in relation ones goals. He saw many saying they wanted this or that but their actions didn't line up with their words.

Then he acknowledges his work ethic. The missed entertainment, free time, and things he set aside to accomplish his dreams. While his friends were in their twenties partying and spending lavishly, he was learning the trade and building a business. He kept his head down and stayed focus. When he came up for air he had something to show.

The message hit my spirit like a torpedo. I've witnessed the same. When you surround yourself with talkers you don't get very far. They rub off on you. Stagnancy leads to apathy and excuses.

If you want to marry you need to be in the company of healthy couples and marriage minded singles actively pursuing the same. You'll have visible examples of what you're seeking and wise people to query.

@turkle is right. She's lived it. You don't have to follow suit.

~bella

 

[Brenda Blakely]

Hi everyone !

I have been with my Christian boyfriend for about a year now, and he is a great guy to me, very loyal sweet and caring. The only thing that continues to bother me are his current goals/ambitions in comparison to mine. I am 29, I have my career, live on my own, and have goals such as buying a home in the future and working towards being a better practitioner in my field. He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour. He keeps telling me he is studying for a specific career manager license, but I never see him studying. Everyday I ask him he tells me, I couldn’t study because I was tired, or tomorrow I’ll study, or next week Etc. There is always an excuse to not study. Mind you , when I first met him he told me he was working on getting his career license within the first 3 months that I knew him. One year later and nothing has gotten done. I tell him my concerns, because I worry that I’m going to be with someone who is not ambitious or tries to better himself. It also worries me that I currently live alone, and I have no help. He does not make enough to be able to help me. I don’t want to come off like I want someone with money. That is not the case at all. But it’s concerning to me because it feels like everything in his life is always delayed or never happens. I kind of feel like he is comfortable in his parents home because he doesn’t need to provide rent or anything , whereas in my situation I had to do everything alone and did not receive help from anyone. As a Christian , it is also concerning because as a Christian woman, you submit to your husband. But how could I submit to someone who doesn’t have it together (career wise)? He keeps telling me not to worry and that he will get his license, but how can I not worry if I don’t see anything getting done? I feel bad sometimes because I don’t want to have that “worldly” persona. And I do want to have faith in him. And I have prayed. But sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice ?

Dear Jane,

Sometimes it is tough to know when to hold and when to fold. But I think you really answered your own question. Reread your post and listen to what it says. As you prepare for a relationship of marriage a good book is “Ready to Wed.” It brings up things I wouldn’t have thought about and helps you to see what to look for in this wonderful relationship called marriage. You sound like someone who wants to 1.Be prepared 2. Do this one time and make it right. These are excellent goals but they mean you may have to do some deep soul searching, seek God for His guidance and learn and listen to what His word says about marriage. I suggest you call this number-855 382 5433-and ask if they can recommend a Bible study on preparing for marriage. I am sure there are some good ones out there and you can find one that best suites you. You also might find a support group of young women who are preparing for marriage. You already have a lot going for you and God has a plan. I am praying for you and hoping that you can find someone who can pray with you in person to encourage one another. God bless you. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

 

[Vinter]

Thanks everyone !

- being a baby Christian , I sometimes feel as if I am still having “wordly” thoughts, which is why I feel guilty for disliking the whole ambition issue. I have prayed about this many times but I have not received an answer. But my “gut feeling” always tells me to end it. However , I get confused if this comes from the “wordly” mentality. I’m still learning

There is nothing wrong with ambition and for planning ahead.

Proverbs 6:6
"Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones. Learn from their ways and become wise!"

Proverbs 6:7
"Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work,"

Proverbs 6:8
"they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter."

Everything cost money in America. If I am not mistaken some parents save money from the day when their kid is born to have money enough for college. I think it's prudent to stock up.

 

[turkle]

I see that you posted almost the exact same dilemma in the Courting Couples section yesterday. Since married people are asked not to post there, I will revive this post.

You asked this same question in August. You have already received the wisdom of people who have gone down the same road as you, as well as those who avoided this problem because they knew better. 5 months later, you ask the same question. Are you looking for a different answer? There isn't one.

I can only guess that you are looking for a way to continue this relationship, even though the writing is on the wall that you have incompatible hopes and dreams for the future. You want it to work, and are looking for some miracle that will make him care about financial security. But he still hasn't taken the exam he said he would a year ago? How many more years are you willing to tolerate his procrastination and dishonesty?

It's not about money. It's about having a compatible vision for the future. Yours and his are the opposite. How do you think you will feel when you can't afford to stop working to fully care for the needs of your children? Or if you continue to climb the ladder in your career and he is still doing the same thing as he is now? Will you respect him for that? And 2 years down the road when he STILL hasn't taken the exam he keeps promising to take? And when he doesn't care about saving and spends the nest egg? He might be a nice guy, but there are nice guys out there who take responsibility for themselves and family. Especially someone nearing 40. Real men do not live off of their parents.

My prayer for you is that you will wake up and face reality. If you decide that you want to stay stuck as you are now and marry this man, you are setting yourself up for picking up all the slack he leaves in his wake and becoming resentful and bitter. Then you will come back asking how you can help him become a man when it's too late. Please choose wisdom and avoid the mistake that so many women, myself included, have made, and live with that regret.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Hi everyone !

I have been with my Christian boyfriend for about a year now, and he is a great guy to me, very loyal sweet and caring. The only thing that continues to bother me are his current goals/ambitions in comparison to mine. I am 29, I have my career, live on my own, and have goals such as buying a home in the future and working towards being a better practitioner in my field. He is 38 years old, currently has a regular job (in which he cannot move up) and makes around $16/hour. He keeps telling me he is studying for a specific career manager license, but I never see him studying. Everyday I ask him he tells me, I couldn’t study because I was tired, or tomorrow I’ll study, or next week Etc. There is always an excuse to not study. Mind you , when I first met him he told me he was working on getting his career license within the first 3 months that I knew him. One year later and nothing has gotten done. I tell him my concerns, because I worry that I’m going to be with someone who is not ambitious or tries to better himself. It also worries me that I currently live alone, and I have no help. He does not make enough to be able to help me. I don’t want to come off like I want someone with money. That is not the case at all. But it’s concerning to me because it feels like everything in his life is always delayed or never happens. I kind of feel like he is comfortable in his parents home because he doesn’t need to provide rent or anything , whereas in my situation I had to do everything alone and did not receive help from anyone. As a Christian , it is also concerning because as a Christian woman, you submit to your husband. But how could I submit to someone who doesn’t have it together (career wise)? He keeps telling me not to worry and that he will get his license, but how can I not worry if I don’t see anything getting done? I feel bad sometimes because I don’t want to have that “worldly” persona. And I do want to have faith in him. And I have prayed. But sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice ?

My advice is to have a relationship with the person you know you'll be happy with. You can't change anyone so if this person isn't for you then he's not. It's as simple as that. I'd break it off, that's what seems best according to what you've said.

You want more out of a husband, and that's okay. That's who you are, and in any relationship being honest with yourself about what you need out of the relationship is the first thing you need to do...

In your case you are looking for a more equal partner, and that's great. If you settle for less you'll never be truly happy.

 

[mama2one]

@Jane3322

copied from courtingcouples thread:
"He also lives with his parents and has no savings. He says he doesn’t believe in buying a home. Just renting."

do you love him?
if you love him, you might learn to live on less money?

if you think he would eventually change, he will not
most likely, you'd have to return to work after giving birth & he'd be a house husband

I once worked with someone- her husband stayed home with the kids; she was ok with it

 

[mama2one]

don't feel the pressure to marry now because you want kids

husband & I didn't have kids right away
we adopted a child who is a true blessing

there's still time

 

[Confused-by-christianity]

... But sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice ?

When I met my fiance, the deciding factor was that I thought we had a spiritual affinity.

We seemed to be kindred spirits.

I never thought about how much money she makes, how far up the career ladder she intends on getting or any of that sort of stuff. In fact, she recently took a job at a higher level and she absolutely hates it and it's making her miserable (that's just a part of the game I think if you want to earn decent money) - I've told her my opinion which is for her to leave. I don't want her coming home miserable every night due to the pressure.

One story always sticks with me...
A family were doing modestly well. Not rich or in poverty. They were happy. They wanted to increase the household income so the father took a promotion and the mother began working shifts at the hospital.

Pretty soon - the extra stress tore the family apart. It decended into a hellish life.

I guess the adults had their priorities wrong and bit off more than they could chew, and it finished them off. (They all withdrew from each other, lost their faith)

I guess I figured - put the person first, worry about the "american dream" second.

I'll let you know how it works out in 30 years hahaha ;-)

seek first the kingdom