Changing your name...

[jelvenko]

When we got married I took DH's last name. 1) Because it was much easier to spell and pronounce than my maiden name. and 2) Because for me it is a way of showing him my love and devotion.
That being said...

I have nothing against a woman wanting to keep her maiden name after getting married. There are several reasons for this.
She could be an only child, and wants her family name to continue on.
She doesn't want to give up her family hertiage and history.
It is who she has been up to that point in her life and doesn't want to lose that identity.

For me, I have brothers so I don't have to worry about carrying on my family name. (My dad has a sister, but she doesn't have any kids.) If I were an only child without any cousins, then I probably would've wanted to keep my maiden name. Instead of letting the family name die out.

Is your wife an only child? If so this might be the reason for wanting to keep her maiden name as a middle name. I would say be grateful that she is willing to take on your name. As previously stated, the only time a middle name is used is on taxes and stuff like that. Very seldom is it used.

Ask her what her reasons are for wanting her maiden name as a middle name. Chances are, they are valid. IMHO.

 

[clycleader]

I have a friend that has done the same thing. Personally, I don't agree. I am so very proud of my husband AND his name and proud to be part of bringing that heritage forward (through our son) that I don't understand it.
It says to leave your parents, and become one flesh. This does not simply mean physically. It's one as a whole. Unfortunately I can't quote the scripture (maybe someone else can) but the leave, cleave and become one part is what I refer to.
Marriage in general is deterioriating around the country as it is. I think clinging to the traditional, Gods way of doing it is always best.

 

[Adela]

I think it's really childish to try and get her to drop her name. It isn't just her father's name. It belongs to her too.

Also, you mentioned she is supposed to take on a new family's identity...that just seems strange to me. She isn't becoming a new person just because she gets married. It seems like you are trying to purge out all of her independence which sounds like a lack of confidence.

 

[Adela]

I think it's really childish to try and get her to drop her name. It isn't just her father's name. It belongs to her too.

Also, you mentioned she is supposed to take on a new family's identity...that just seems strange to me. She isn't becoming a new person just because she gets married. It seems like you are trying to purge out all of her independence which sounds like a lack of confidence.

 

[Captivated]

It says to leave your parents, and become one flesh. This does not simply mean physically. It's one as a whole. Unfortunately I can't quote the scripture (maybe someone else can) but the leave, cleave and become one part is what I refer to.
Marriage in general is deterioriating around the country as it is. I think clinging to the traditional, Gods way of doing it is always best.

I agree with the principle of a husband and wife becoming one person but fail to see why that means the wife has to lose her name. I wish I'd given more thought to it when I got married instead of blithely going along with a man-made tradition. I much prefer my maiden name to my married name but they would sound okay together.

One of the most irritating things I ever heard was from a young man who complained when he heard about a doctor who was about to get married but wanted to keep her own name for convenience in her practice. The young man was aghast as 'how will anyone know that she's married if she doesn't change her name?' How would anyone know her husband was married? What difference does it make to anyone else anyway?

And I also had a friend who was marrying an only child with an extremely uncommon surname. He happily changed his own very common surname to hers.

 

[Cordy]

I agree with the principle of a husband and wife becoming one person but fail to see why that means the wife has to lose her name.

I fail to see the reasoning in this, too. If being proud of your husband and his heritage requires a woman change her name, then in the same way, a man would also be required to change his name to his wife’s to demonstrate his pride in her. If leaving your name is required to become "one with your spouse", then men must also change their names.

 

[immersedingrace]

I have a friend that has done the same thing. Personally, I don't agree. I am so very proud of my husband AND his name and proud to be part of bringing that heritage forward (through our son) that I don't understand it.
It says to leave your parents, and become one flesh. This does not simply mean physically. It's one as a whole. Unfortunately I can't quote the scripture (maybe someone else can) but the leave, cleave and become one part is what I refer to.
Marriage in general is deterioriating around the country as it is. I think clinging to the traditional, Gods way of doing it is always best.

The verse I believe you are referring to is Genesis 2:24

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Pay special attention to the order of the bolded words. It clearly states a man is to CLEAVE unto his WIFE. No where in that verse does it say he or she needs to change their names. It says a MAN should leave HIS family NOT the woman should leave HER family. Therefore, if we take this literally as only applying one way, then the MAN should be changing HIS name to hers. If, as I believe, it's meant universally and the two are to cleave together leaving their individual families behind, it would indicate that they BOTH should be changing there names and creating a completely NEW name yet very few men are willing to do that but they seem quite ready to use that verse as a reason why their fiance/wife should change their name.

As for the underlined part of the quoted post, nowhere in the bible does it say a woman should change her name to her new husbands. In fact, they did not HAVE surnames in biblical times. They were identified by the region, town, or country they came from. So the suggestion is that Mary of Bethena, when She marries Simon of Gallilee should then become Mary of Gallilee, thereby confusing EVERYbody by giving her a completely different country of origin, which would REALLY mess up genealogical records!

 

[Jn207]

A professional woman may find legal difficulties changing her name when she marries. In fact, in Quebec Canada it is ILLEGAL for a woman to change her name when she marries, the government there decided it causes too much paperwork for very little real benefit.

 

[overit]

Ugghhh, you know, days like these and reading the OP are the days I can REALLY understand some of the extreme feminists that despised and cried out for the unfairness of marriage for women. I can understand their sentiment, there is still such a sense of women, wife, property, take on name, becomes Ms. John Smith (OHHHH that burns me)....I can't begin to describe how appalling it is that men still think of their wives in this way. And OH how sorry I am for the HELL these women will put up with in their prison-um, I mean marriage to these men that can't think this way.It's just really vile. A woman doesn't belong to her father, or her husband. A woman or a child are not property of the man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go take in a sheep if you want property. Probably be more docile also. uggggg

 

[odeminkwe]

I would just suggest treading lightly on her feelings on this one.

I took my husband's name 10 years ago and STILL do not identify as the person I am named. I do miss my maiden name because that's who I was for 23 years of life. Before I was married I was a student, an adventurer, a well respected flautist, a writer. I won awards, was honored, won competitions. I did a great deal of things that made who I am today. Now, I am a wife and a mother and I have a job. That is who I became but not who I am. That's hard to express.

Just tread lightly. Some women really identify with their last night and it's hard to give it up.

I miss my maiden name, too, and for similar reasons.

 

[purplecloth]

to the OP...

is there reason for you to be so jealous of your future father in law?

 

[bliz]

Are you being stupid?

Just a little, around the edges.

This is frequently done and it will not cause anyone any concern or alarm. It is a way of incorporating her heritage and her future and not at all an indication that she is not fully committing to you.

There is currently no rationing of middle names. One may have as many as they their parents and wish. As a grandchild of Inga Helena Maria Christina I feel like a piker with one one!

This is not what you expected or anticipated - that does not make it wrong. Adjusting to the reality of situations can be a challenge for some of us... perhaps you need to keep an eye out for that tendency. But she is not flaunting God's will or dissing you or declaring herself to be a femi-Nazi. She is declaring herself to be herself.

Welcome this woman with three middle names with your arms wide open. Tell her that you are sorry that you've been a bit of a jerk about this (score big points!) and move on past it. If others express to you that this is strange or questionable for a Christian woman simply explain: "She has chosen her name, and I have chosen her." End of discussion.

You might re-propose after the ceremony - just whisper in her ear ("Susan Rachel Carolyn Smith Wallace, will you live with me the rest of your life?") just to indicate how OK you are with it.

 

[JustBoo]

Are you being stupid?


Yes.








. . .Oh? I have to explain why? .. oh . .O.K.


She wnats to make her last name into her middle name and you're getting jealous and possessive of her? Man , what if she went really extreme . and *gasp* kept her last name alltogether? What her name is does not in any way indicate her devotion to you . .or if it does then it indicates your devotion to her too - so you'd best get changing your name.

Women are not property. You do not deserve to have a wife with your name. God does not mandate that a wife change her name. She is not in any way shape or form LESS then good or Godly because she wants to keep her last name as a middle name ( not even keep it as a last name but as a midle name , for petes sake!)







On a totally different note - can we please not use the term Femi-nazi. That's really rather offensive and ludicrous . .I know of NO feminist's who have murdered 6 million jews . . .

 

[Cordy]

Welcome this woman with three middle names with your arms wide open. Tell her that you are sorry that you've been a bit of a jerk about this (score big points!) and move on past it. If others express to you that this is strange or questionable for a Christian woman simply explain: "She has chosen her name, and I have chosen her." End of discussion.

Wonderful suggestion!!!

 

[progressivegal]

My fiancee, whom I love more than anything, and I had a discussion today. I was informed that she wants to take on my last name but that she wants to also keep her last name as a new middle name. She already has TWO middle names and now she wants to add a third. My problem doesn't lie with her having an extra middle name or two though. I am a little hurt by the idea of her keeping her maiden name because I feel like when we get married she takes on a new family identity. I feel like that old name is her father's name, and I want to be the only man in her life. Am I being stupid? I just feel like taking on my name and dropping her last name is the way I always thought it would happen. She always said that she was going to take on my last name when we married, but never told me that she was also going to keep her last name. At least she doesn't want to do that darn Hyphen thing! I can't stand that. (To any of you with hyphenated last names... sorry, I just can't stand that.) So yeah... am I wrong? What do you guys think? What does the bible say? Does it address this at all? How would you feel in my shoes?

I have a hyphenated last name, and it has nothing to do with "my father", it has to do with ME and my identity.
My last name is very unique, my husbands is very common. I went through my whole life having a name that no one else did and I didn't want to lose that "uniqueness".
Don't take it personally, it has nothing to do with YOU I'm sure, it's about her, a connection to her family and roots, and a name she's had her whole life. Would you want to give up your last name?
Marriage is no longer about transferring "ownership" from a father to a husband, it's about two people joining together to share their lives. Getting married doesn't mean giving up ones own family, roots, or identity, it means sharing all of that with the one that they love.
There are professional and legal reasons why one may wish to keep their own name, but in your fiances case since she's using her maiden name as a middle name, that's probably not the case, but maybe.
Also it should be mentioned that using ones maiden name as a middle name is a very traditional practice.
What does the Bible say? It says to love and respect ones spouse, and that means respecting their choices.
Think about how you would feel if tradition dictated that men changed their names, it's not an easy thing to do, nor should it be expected. It's a personal decision, but it says nothing about ones spouse of feelings for them. I have divorced friends who have chosen to keep their ex husbands names, not because of any feelings they have for their exes, but because they like the names better.

 

[whatisyourstory]

I still feel VERY honored to have my husbands last name. I personally can't see why a woman wouldn't want to take her husbands name. If I'm ever blessed with children, I think it's great that they will also carry his name. I didn't give up any of myself, I just gained another wonderful part. I get to be me with an added bonus of a wonderful, loving husband.

 

[Rebekka]

I still feel VERY honored to have my husbands last name. I personally can't see why a woman wouldn't want to take her husbands name. If I'm ever blessed with children, I think it's great that they will also carry his name. I didn't give up any of myself, I just gained another wonderful part. I get to be me with an added bonus of a wonderful, loving husband.

I can't see why a man wouldn't want to take his wife's name - but only a very small minority does this. Apparently, men don't see carrying their wife's name as something honourful. That's odd though, when you think about it. Why should women give up their name to honour their husbands while men don't have to give up anything to honour their wives?

I've heard of women who were accused of "not loving their husbands enough" because they kept their maiden names. I think most men don't love their wives enough then, since they usually keep their own names.

In Dutch there is no equivalent for "Mrs.": all grown women are called "mevrouw", which is the male equivalent of "Mr." You can't see someone's marital status from it, as is the case with "Mr." I'm glad about that. I'm not my husband's property.

 

[fuzzymel]

Its a personal choice and should be the womans. I cannot see the big deal in the name. Why should it matter. Its only a name. If she wants to keep her name then you should be supportive.

 

[BrBob]

edited out....

 

[BrBob]

I once asked my mother (as a teenager) why her middle name was the same as her parent's last name. She said that when she married she stopped using her middle name and started using her maiden name in its place.

My folks married in 1946. It's traditional. Get over it...

Bob
Spearfish, SD