Changing Churches

[HoosierCanuck]

I'm thinking about looking for a new church to attend:

background: led to Christ by a friend in 1985. Attended a Wesleyan church until 1988. From 1988-1991 attended a Baptist Church. 1992-1993 attended Wesleyan church with (ex) husband and family. 1994-2001 avoided God as much as possible--was angry over bad marriage, divorce, abuse, financial problems. 2001-was led back to God, led to an AG church.

2004....haven't been to AG church but maybe 4 times all year. Went there for 2 1/2 years and enjoyed the sermons but never developed any decent friendships/fellowships despite trying...signing up for ministries, etc.... I Have only talked briefly to the pastor after services and have always gotten the vibe that he would rather be someplace else.

Problem...every church I've ever been to is the same....I feel like an outsider, don't fit in. I don't feel like ever going to one again. I'm sick of the phoniness I encounter. I feel like I'm better off just watching sermons on TV on the local access channel.

On various threads here I read things like 'talk to your pastor' and so on when people are giving out advice. I've never been to a church where I feel like I could do this--not that I NEED to at the moment but I would like the luxury of knowing he/she is available if needed. The friend who led me to Christ originally once commented that she left a church because after a 2-3 week absence, nobody tried to contact her to see if everything was okay...nobody reached out. This is definitely true about where I have attended. Is this really important?

I guess my question is: What do you really need to look for when looking for a church home? Any suggestions, advice is DEFINITELY helpful and may God bless you and your wisdom.

 

[WeakButHopeful]

I am only replying because I see nobody else has (yet). I have always liked the comment I read in one of C. S. Lewis' books (not sure which) where he talks about the advantage of a church based not on likeness of belief but rather on locality because the latter draws together different types of God's children who are more likely to open each other's eyes (though maybe I'm not saying it as well as he did). He also talks about going into a church and being surprised to see the grocery store clerk who cheated you on the cuts of meat while not realizing God sees all our faults.

I happen to be a Catholic, and our concept of "parishes" *sometimes* work well (drawing together different kinds of people). The parish priests themselves vary widely in quality and spiritual insight. But actually the priests who have helped my spiritual life the most are some of those whom I've met on retreat (weekends of spiritual reflection).

I am obviously unqualified to offer advice on how to choose among other Christian churches, though I can semi-seriously offer an observation: if the manner in which people drive into and out of the church parking lot doesn't seem to show concern for others, I suspect the church isn't having much effect.

Hopefully others will reply with advice more targeted to your post. God bless.

 

[2Timothy2]

I've been through this, sorta still going through this. A lot of churches I have been to have given me the feeling that I was an outsider, which is wierd, how can you be an outsider in your family? The church I go to now, and EV free chruch, has its flaws, no one contacted me when I had an extended absence. But the thing that has changed for me is me. I used to look for what a church could provide for me, dotrine, fellowship, activities, friendships, spiritual guidance, etc. But now I try to look for how I can provide somethng for my church. I think it was Hank Hanegraaff, 'The Bible Answer Man', paraphrasing Kennedy, who said "Ask not what your church can do for you, ask what can you do for your church." That change in attitude has made a big difference for me. I generally do not make friends easily or quickly, not real ones. It takes me a while. So now I am just being seen and getting to know the folks here while I try to serve the Lord.

As for likeness of belief, I think it is important that we find a church that teaches the essential Christian dotrines acurately. But the secondary issues are another matter.

Does your current church know how you feel disconnected?

By the way, I grew up in South Bend. Don't know if you are anywhere near there. Just thought I'd mention it. I got to Texas as quickly as I could.

 

[fieldmouse3]

I think you probably just have to keep trying different churches until you find one that fits the way you want it to, and focuses on the Bible and God (of course). If anyone tries to force you to stay at their church, or doesn't seem to care whether you do or not, then you've probably foudn the wrong one!

 

[hischildsindik]

I understand how you feel. The church I currently am a member of, since May 97, I have felt many of the same things you do. At times I saw/felt no one cared when I had extended absenses and that no one reached out to me when I was there or absent. It is a church (the people), I love and care for greatly. They have become a family to me, more so, in many ways than my own blood family.

What changed my perspective, was me. I knew God wanted me there, the effort it took to get me there was phenominal really. God has had to change me so I wouldn't get offended so easily, so upset or distracted and so I took the initiative to reach out and get to know the people. I have no idea your background, but mine left me a lot wounded and in need of growing up. I still fight with the ideas that no one cares for me there and that if I just one day disappeared absolutely no one would notice. But now I know, God's Word is solidly taught there, and I shouldn't take things so very personally. And when I start to feel that way, I reach out to others, I make the effort to stay in contact. Like our relationship with Christ, when He feels distant, it's not Him that moved, it's us and thus I need to move back to Him.

I have no real advice I guess, just pray about it and seek out a church that fits, that is sound in God's Word and Truth. And stay there for a while, reach out and make your place there.
God bless!

 

[Pastor_Benjamin]

The first thing that you should do is pray ask God to direct you to a church that not only feeds you spirtually, but accepts you, your family and your gifts. Many of the larger churches give you that feeling of being left out while a smaller church seems to give more of a one on one relationship. A church is a family again remember we are all apart of the body of Christ...

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Thanks for all of your replies everyone. They have been helpful. Just a few background notes in case you're interested...(lol)

The 'current' church has probably about 150-200 attend on a given Sunday. The previous ones were much larger so I know what you're talking about when you mention a larger church leaving you feeling disconnected.

It's not that I want them to cater to me, I just want to make friends. I'm not the easiest person to get to know...especially in a church setting because I have a crazy sense of humour and it seems to me that a lot of Christians severely lack in that department and I have a hard time talking to people if I can't 'be myself' and be 'funny' around them. I'm not implying that my humour is dirty or bad but a lot of people I've met around here are just so darn serious! :-( I remember one week the pastor of the 'current' church commented (joked) towards the end of the service that he hoped people had less starch in their collar at the next service.

Ministry-wise, I just don't know...the current church does a lot with kids and I just don't feel like I'm led to work with that age group.

 

[Blessed-one]

my church is about your size, HC, but there're only about 20 or so people of my age. Even with that small number, problems arise.

but it's amazing to see how God has changed us in the past few years. Although some people grow in the spirt a few steps ahead of others, although we have had people leaving and coming, we're coming from fine.

i don't think there is such thing as a perfect church home on earth. We are too easily influenced, too easily angered and too easy to focus on ourselves rather than others' needs. I've had numerous times thinking of changing church, but God has taught me what I would never have picked up had i changed.

perhaps He's trying to help you mix with people that are of very different personality from you. There's so much to learn from both sides. As for which ministry to go into, it's not something that one plans ahead, and hence base his decision on that to choose a church. Where God leads, is where your church is. People are always changing, finding their new paths and exploring their God given potential. There's no definite answer from the start.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Nearly a year later and no church attendance. I have moved into a new home (residence) in the same town (unfortunately). I was invited last month to a church in kokomo, IN and attended a function for 20-something singles (with some 30's sprinkled in). It was a nice experience. I've considered trying their church on Sundays but its so far away from me that it may turn out to be cost-prohibitive with the price of gas right now. Kokomo is about a 30-minute drive for me.

There is also another church only a mile from me that I've thought off and on about trying. The problem there....my next door neighbours go there and they are the SNOOTIEST people I have ever seen. They never miss a Sunday but they NEVER bother to wave or smile or anything when they see me. If this is the kind of attitude that church's members have...I'm not interested. The sadder thing? That church has over 1100 members! eek!

So....for the last year I have been going to a local park on Sundays and praying and reading the Bible by myself. I have felt the presence of God and it's been a peaceful experience but I still feel that I need something more and it's frustrating me big time! There is simply NOTHING around here that I feel comfortable with.

 

[vinc]

What you have gone through is natural of a Christian. Some are able to find their comfortable home church and continue to be a part of them. Some others are not able to fit into any church which they have visited. I believe both kinds of Christians are True Christians.

There is no perfect church as such in the world. Every church has christians who are spiritually strong and weak. And no Church Leader or Elder is completely perfect to take the place of Lord Jesus Christ as the True Shepherd. Lord Jesus Christ is the True Shepherd who leads, feeds and takes care of His sheep. Therefore, we need to have a realistic view of the Church. Every Christian goes to the Church s(he) thinks is most spiritual or truly spiritual.

It is good to be a part of a Church which has not deviated from the main christian doctrine and where there are true godly brothers and sisters who have repentant and grateful hearts towards Lord Jesus Christ and who are sincere and honest about their lives and have a desire to grow spiritually and have love towards one another. It is also good if the Church Leader or Elder loves us as Lord Jesus Christ loved His disciples.

Although we would be growing in our local church, we ought to be desirous for fellowship from true godly christians so that we may be mutually benefitted. Sometimes we might learn more from our regular fellowship and communication with some Men of God rather than from a Church.

It is really difficult to point out to which church one has to go. Go as per the Spirit of God leads you and if you do not find any church where you can fit in completely to be a regular there then you need not be so dissappointed either.

Hope these inputs help in anyway.

 

[SoulFly51]

I guess my question is: What do you really need to look for when looking for a church home? Any suggestions, advice is DEFINITELY helpful and may God bless you and your wisdom.

First and foremost, I would keep in mind that it's not about you, it's about Him.

Find a place where you can serve Him - if you do that He will bless you and take care of your needs.

I promise.

 

[plowboy22]

First and foremost, I would keep in mind that it's not about you, it's about Him.

Find a place where you can serve Him - if you do that He will bless you and take care of your needs.

I promise.

That says it perfectly!!!

 

[HoosierCanuck]

That would be great if I could find a place where they would LET me serve Him. Don't you have to be accepted/included in order to be involved in a ministry? This is something I am not seeing in any churches I've tried. The last one I went to 3 years, signed up for ministries, etc... Did anyone call? NO. My work schedule prevents me from doing a lot of things but I would sign up for things when they had sign up sheets and nobody seemed to want me involved. I always thought serving God in a church setting meant you had to be involved in some ministry. am I thinking wrong?

 

[SoulFly51]

With all due respect - I have a hard time believing that you haven't found a church that will let you serve!

Churches are dying for members who have a servant heart! Do you truly have one?

 

[whatseekye]

I have found that I can serve without ever officially signing up for it on a sheet. For example, I spend time greeting people in the hall and end up doing almost all the things that ushers do. Because people ask me where things are, and I give them directions. I also act like a deacon, even though nobody made me a deacon. Because I have visited a churchmember when she was sick and needed help cleaning her house. I also call people on the phone who I discern might be lonely. I spend so much time greeting people and being friendly if people want to talk, that people start to tell me about their needs and problems. I pray for them and try to give them a sympathetic ear. Only sometimes when I really think it's ok, I give some Godly advice (but I don't over do it because I know most people just want to be heard and don't want practical advice.) I also pick up trash and clean up a mess when I see it, so I am also acting in the role of what they call "the bathroom brigade" (although I also pick up trash in the hall if I see it.)

The lowly services in church are always open to new people to join up. My pastor has said in the past that he thinks that is the entry to service in the church. I don't think of it as a stepping stone to something better but I suppose you could look at it that way. Because when getting involved in the lowly services, you get to know people and they get to know your character better too. Then you might be asked to help with something that requires trust.

P.S. Smaller churches have more opportunites to get involved in service. That's why it's sometimes a healthier choice to join a smaller church even though they have less "services" for the churchmember such as classes and activities. But you will end up being more involved because you can get involved more easily and get to know people.

 

[SoulFly51]

Great post and good points!


Ministry isn't about fighting your way to the top - its about fighting your way to the bottom!

 

[HoosierCanuck]

No offense taken, I guess. To make a long story short...where I live there are a LOT of churches. However, most of them are VERY small and honestly, dead. They haven't grown in XX years, the members are mostly from an extended family and most of the members are MUCH older than I am. Whenever I go to a church, I feel like an outsider. I feel like people are looking at me and judging me. Where I live may as well be called Mayberry. Being a single, 35-yr old female who lives on her own MUST mean that I have a lot of sin in my life in the eyes of the locals (if you know what I mean). All I can really say is that you would have to be here to really understand what I mean. People here are really judgemental and 'uppity.' I can't stand to be around that type of person. If I am, then I'm lacking focus on God because I'm uncomfortable. I guess that's why my aforementioned trips to the local park are special to me. Just me and God. Maybe it's Satan telling me I need something else?!What do you think?

Personally I feel like churches should be alive, growing, doing things in line with scripture. As for whether comtemporary or traditional is better....I'm torn. I grew up with traditional as the model I was used to being around but I enjoy the contemporary more. Another source of confusion in the church hunt.

As for types of ministries....the ones I 'signed up for' involved calling on the sick, sending out greeting cards and so on. That particular church already had their 'rotation' of greeters that they apparently were satisfied with. Prayer is a ministry and I guess you could say I did that one but I did it alone. I'm certainly not asking for anything big because the way my work schedule goes I wouldn't be able to fulfill any promises. Again, I feel this is something else that people use to discriminate me. Again, my former church is a good example. Another woman there is a nurse and couldn't always be there on Sundays...BUT....she is a married mother of two and was involved in children's ministry. She found her little place to fit in. I figure it's because they are the 'American Dream'....middle class, nice looking, caucasian, 2 kids, good jobs, etc... People like me are 'different' and 'different' is 'bad.' (In spite of Jesus' teachings)

I guess what I'm really getting at is that every church I've ever attended has made me feel all alone, an outcast. Sometimes I feel like dismissing Christianity altogether because I feel that the majority of the encounters I've had with other 'believers' has been negative. I don't really like to focus on the negative (in spite of what you have read here). I just don't know. I feel like I need to pretend to be something I'm not to be accepted. For example, I was briefly married in my early 20's (bad times!!! long story!) and when I attended the church that his family went to, as his wife I 'fit in.' I honestly feel like I have to get married to be acceptable. That, my friend, is a problem because I have been called to remain single....that includes no dating. That is one thing I am certain is from God. (may or may not be relevant in others' eyes)

 

[whatseekye]

No offense taken, I guess.

I'm sorry if you are offended. I didn't reply to try and sound like I've got it all figured out, and that I think you don't. I struggle with my own troubles and pains of going to church. I have social anxiety disorder, and so no matter what happens at church, there are many days when I come home from church crying. Or sometimes I even cry during the service. The amount of emotional pain I feel about the fractured fellowship in church is really difficult for me to cope with. But I think I've been able to realize that it's true what they say, "Church is not perfect but it is necessary". I recommend a Calvary Chapel if there is one near you. Your profile says Indiana. There are 18 calvary chapels in Indiana. They tend to be churches with younger people there, contemporary worship music, and an emphasis on expository bible teaching instead of "preaching at ya".

Indiana (18)

Calvary Chapel Carroll County : Eric Haley
Calvary Chapel Crawfordsville : David Keesee
Calvary Chapel Evansville : Charles Hedges
Calvary Chapel Fellowship : Gary Rifenburg
Calvary Chapel Fort Wayne : Joe Mann
Calvary Chapel Lafayette : Joe Bell
Calvary Chapel South Bend : Duane Wilson
Calvary Chapel Terre Haute : Dave Hole
Calvary Chapel Valpo : Jim Motshagen
Calvary Christian Fellowship : Ron Hyre
Harvest Chapel Lafayette : Tom Camp
Harvest Fellowship : Paul Mowery
Horizon Christian Fellowship : Bill Goodrich
Horizon Christian Fellowship Bloomington : James Goodmon
Horizon Christian Fellowship Central : David Kosobucki
Horizon Christian Fellowship South : Tony Smith
Horizon Christian Fellowship West : Jim Brown
New Beginnings Christian Fellowship : Darrick Hayden
http://www.calvarychapel.com

I have also felt disappointed about being a woman and feeling like my viewpoint and service is downgraded. But the only relief I have found from my pain about the fellowship and my purpose there is to focus on why I'm really there (my personal relationship with God being the center of it all) and focus on serving others. My attitude gets bad at times but I try to pray it out. Even when I'm praying and feeling better, I still get disappointed and discouraged! But I can't let that ruin me. I can relate to your feelings and hope that you can find somwhere you feel a little more comfortable.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

No, you didn't offend me, Whatseekye. That comment was intended for another post-er. Thanks for the recommendation of the Calvary Churches. From your list I think the closest may be Fort Wayne and it's about a hour drive from me. I honestly think to find what I'm looking for I probably will have to drive a little ways. I guess if God wants me to go there, he'll find a way for me to afford the fuel. lol

 

[JPPT1974]

When we moved to TN in 1984, it took us a long, long time to find an church that not only would accept us but also would be our friends and fellowship with other Christian believers. It did take us a long time but then in the end, it worked out just fine.