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Celibacy question

mytel

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I dont understand the logic of your last post. How could having sex now somehow stop you from wanting/needing marriage? Marriage is more than just sex. Also, sex is not something that can be quenched by doing it once or a few times. Fleshly urges are strong, whether you have had sex before or not, feeding these urges will only make them stronger and harder to overcome. Pray to God for strength and persevere through this trying time. I am a single 26yrold male, who now wants to wait for marriage as well. There are men out there just like you who want to save themselves for their future wife. Dont give away a precious thing to someone that you know you dont want to marry, because you wont get it back. I gave it away the wrong way and i wish i didnt, but i cant change it. I dont want you to go through that. The consequences can be very real, trust me. God forgives, but wilfully sinning out of frustration is never good.
 
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There are men out there just like you who want to save themselves for their future wife. Dont give away a precious thing to someone that you know you dont want to marry, because you wont get it back. I gave it away the wrong way and i wish i didnt, but i cant change it. I dont want you to go through that. The consequences can be very real, trust me. .

Ppl always say this. They have strong desires they can't resist so they give in, then they regret it and wished they hadn't. Well obviously there is going to be regret there, but even if they knew how much they would regret it and in what way and even if they could go back in time they would do the same thing again, not because they want to, but because their sex drive propels them forward to such action. I know girls who are burned out with sex because of failed relationships and it seems that the only way to reduce your sex drive is to go this route. Have sex, get burned, and then you don't desire it as much. Then you repent and get right with God and can focus on Him and His mission. The desire for a husband isn't nearly as strong either because of getting burned. I'm not trying to be rebellious but I just don't see any other way, really.
 
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You have been faithful to the Lord, He will be faithful to you. The Lord knows the desires of your heart, he created you the way you are. I think it extremely wise you have been praying for your future husband,keep it up. Consider this, guys mature V-E-R-Y slowly nowadays. God has been working on him since you started praying for him! I'm sure God has him almost ready! ++CK++
 
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mytel

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This is dangerous thinking. It seems you believe pre marital sex is sin otherwise you wouldnt need to repent. So to knowingly plan to sin and think you can just repent and everything will be fine is not good. You cant tell the future and you cant plan things like this, God is in control not you, any number of things can happen in your life could throw this plan out the door and leave you in a tough position. Being jaded and even heartbroken is not the best way to reduce a sex drive. Try not focus on it so much. You dont want to get married because you dont want to get burned, yet your solution is to go out and get burned as much as you can to destroy the desire? It doesnt make sense. I know what our society is like, and what is the norm these days, but not all men are like that, and not all women fit that stereotype either.

A few years ago i though i had found the perfect girl, she was everything i was looking for. Then all of a sudden she just vanished out of my life, with no trace before i had the chance to tell her. I was so angry and i blamed God. As the months passed i became more rebellious and angry, to the point where i gave in to sexual desires. Through those years, I gave so much to these relationships that i cant get back now, things that i should have saved for my future wife. I know i am forgiven for my past but the scars are still there. I feel like a new different person now having come to Christ but if i could go back and do things differently i definitely would. Its not a game, its your life. You can trust God.
 
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I don't know why everyone is assuming I'm trying to be rebellious here. If I was going to just be rebellious I would have had sex at age 17 like everyone else, but no I've tried to do things the right way. Problem is even with doing things the right way in this sinful world things don't always work out. Meaning you can do everything right, wait and everything and still not find the right person. Even if I could refrain from sex until I was 45 I still might not find the right guy. And frankly I can't do that.

I don't understand all the posts about God giving you the grace to be celibate, coming from ppl who themselves have had sex and slip up even now occasionally and have sex. It just seems that trying to be celibate for long periods of time is not working. Paul said in the Word that every man should have his wife and every wife her husband (1 Corinthians 7:2) so they won't be tempted to fornicate. He didn't say remain celibate for decades & God will give you the grace. He saw that that was a bad plan, one doomed to fail.
 
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mytel

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Yes thats true but also look at the verse preceding that one 'Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry' (Cor7:2), or 'Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.'(Cor 7:8).. he was unmarried so he probably didnt see not marrying as a bad plan.. But he also said if you burn with passion you should marry. So why not get married before sex? Sex isnt everything, and sex without love is not good imo.. There are heaps of guys out there looking for a girl just like you, it is a beautiful thing to have made the choice to wait so why give up now?
 
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PaladinValer

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I don't know why everyone is assuming I'm trying to be rebellious here.

It is very simple: It is a sin to have sex with anyone you are not married to, period.

If I was going to just be rebellious I would have had sex at age 17 like everyone else, but no I've tried to do things the right way. Problem is even with doing things the right way in this sinful world things don't always work out.
So you are giving up and choosing to deliberately sin knowing that it is a sin. That will automatically sever you from communion with God, perhaps permanently if you continue to sin without proper reconciliation.

You are going down a path that leads to spiritual death. Please stop! Put aside your wants and reflect on what is truly true and not what you want to be true.

Meaning you can do everything right, wait and everything and still not find the right person. Even if I could refrain from sex until I was 45 I still might not find the right guy. And frankly I can't do that.
Then you'll know that you very well have been called to a celibate life. Take it from someone who has never had sex in almost 30.5 years...you can live a very vibrant, full, and wonderful life without sex.

I don't understand all the posts about God giving you the grace to be celibate, coming from ppl who themselves have had sex and slip up even now occasionally and have sex.
Let me make something clear: unless I've missed someone else's post (and I admit I may have), I don't believe anyone here is guilty of what you are claiming.

Furthermore, even if everyone is else, I am not. I am not just a celibate but a virgin. And guess what? I have "urges" just like any other human being. And please, do not dare tell me "well mine are worse than yours'" when you don't have a honest clue of how I am affected by mine; that would be prideful and full of hubris.

I have offered you my personal help already and I repeat it again now. I'd suggest you seriously consider accepting it.

It just seems that trying to be celibate for long periods of time is not working.
It works; you simply will not discipline yourself with God's help to do so. You are rejecting God's warning, issued through us, and are rejecting the Holy Spirit's guidance, written in our posts. He's talking to you right now, here in our posts and elsewhere telling you that what you are thinking about doing will lead to the final and everlasting deprivation of your very soul and nature.

Paul said in the Word that every man should have his wife and every wife her husband (1 Corinthians 7:2) so they won't be tempted to fornicate.
You are now quote-mining in order to rationalize sin. Read the verse before it and those after it through verse 9 (especially verse 9) and READ VERSE 2 IN THE CONTEXT IN WHICH IT IS WRITTEN IN!!!

He didn't say remain celibate for decades & God will give you the grace. He saw that that was a bad plan, one doomed to fail.
Wrong, and St. Paul says as much.

If you are not married, you are to remain celibate. Before marriage, you are to remain a virgin. That's Holy Scripture, and both Holy Tradition and Holy Reason agree as well.
 
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Annie Mouse

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By today's standards, 27 is still fairly young.
I've met girls/women who were christians, stayed virgins until marriage, and who claimed to have always wanted to marry. Some of them were "ready" to meet the right guy when they were 19 or 23, but it didn't happen until they were in their thirties. Not everyone who is called to marry gets married in his/her twenties anymore. For some people it happens a bit later. Maybe that will be the case for you.

Of course, I do agree that not everyone eventually gets married. I've heard stories about people who had "always" longed to marry, yet they were still single, never married by the time they were in their fifties.

Lifelong celibacy can draw you closer to God, and there are many benefits to it. That can especially be the case if you have the gift of celibacy.
From your post, though, it sounds as if you would be happier being married. I would guess that God will eventually bring a spouse into your life. Maybe it just means waiting a bit longer.
 
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There is another plan I could do...I met this guy who is older and who wants to start a family. He seems to really like me. I guess I could just marry him instead of having pre-marital sex. I don't really love him though, but maybe the love could grow? Would this be a better plan than hooking up with my guy friend?
 
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PaladinValer

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There is another plan I could do...I met this guy who is older and who wants to start a family. He seems to really like me. I guess I could just marry him instead of having pre-marital sex. I don't really love him though, but maybe the love could grow? Would this be a better plan than hooking up with my guy friend?

Stop looking for excuses to have sex and START SEEING SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP YOU WITH THE PSYCHOLOGICAL ASPECT OF YOUR PROBLEM!!!

The marriage would be invalid and you know exactly why.
 
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The marriage would be invalid and you know exactly why.

I don't know why and I don't think God would see this as an invalid marriage. There is no Biblical basis for this. This guy and I both respect each other a lot so who knows, maybe it could work.
 
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PaladinValer

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I don't know why and I don't think God would see this as an invalid marriage. There is no Biblical basis for this. This guy and I both respect each other a lot so who knows, maybe it could work.

The reason why you are doing this is for your own appetites. You said you don't love him; that makes it invalid alone, but for you to use this man who you say you respect for your own issues is just...

...you need to stop thinking sex and start thinking about getting your issue figured out.
 
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The reason why you are doing this is for your own appetites. You said you don't love him; that makes it invalid alone, but for you to use this man who you say you respect for your own issues is just...

...you need to stop thinking sex and start thinking about getting your issue figured out.

My appetites include desire for intimacy and companionship and a desire to give that to someone else as well. I don't see anything wrong with that.
 
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PaladinValer

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My appetites include desire for intimacy and companionship and a desire to give that to someone else as well. I don't see anything wrong with that.

If you do not love the person, then we know the real reason. Please stop attempting to fool us as well as (even worse) yourself.
 
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gideon123

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Proverbswisdom ... I am replying to your original post. I have not read all the posts on this thread since then - it's getting long.

It's not unusual for devoted Christian women to have a lot of trouble finding good mates. In fact, it's pretty hard for women with integrity (whether Christian or not) to find men who honor relationships and will make long-lasting commitments.

I DO think you need to do more than just pray. And you do need to do more than just go to a singles group at your own church. You need to look more actively across the USA, or whatever country that you are living in. You could try eharmony.com. Think of it as just one way to generate some communication with Christian men. You don't immediately have to start dating them. But it would be very helpful to open lines of communication.

Travel. Go some places that you would like to see. Visit churches in those areas too. Don't just stick to your denomination - look to a wider group of Christians. It may feel better to go with a friend - many women do not feel comfortable travelling alone. But get out there ... be more visible.

It's mostly about broadening your circle of contacts.
You need to get out of the rut. Unfortunately, many Christians (just like everyone else!) tend to surround themselves with familiar places and people. It's a comfort zone thing. Your current comfort zone is working against you. Keep in mind - if you want to break a comfort zone, then it won't feel "comfortable" to expand your horizons. But you do need to do this.

I don't get the feeling from your original post that you need to be celibate. You just need to find the right man. It is NOT too late. But you do need to get out there girl :)

Good luck!!

Gideon123
 
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Larry Mondello

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It's not unusual for devoted Christian women to have a lot of trouble finding good mates. In fact, it's pretty hard for women with integrity (whether Christian or not) to find men who honor relationships and will make long-lasting commitments.

I DO think you need to do more than just pray. And you do need to do more than just go to a singles group at your own church. You need to look more actively across the USA, or whatever country that you are living in. You could try eharmony.com. Think of it as just one way to generate some communication with Christian men. You don't immediately have to start dating them. But it would be very helpful to open lines of communication.

Travel. Go some places that you would like to see. Visit churches in those areas too. Don't just stick to your denomination - look to a wider group of Christians. It may feel better to go with a friend - many women do not feel comfortable travelling alone. But get out there ... be more visible.

It's mostly about broadening your circle of contacts.
You need to get out of the rut. Unfortunately, many Christians (just like everyone else!) tend to surround themselves with familiar places and people. It's a comfort zone thing. Your current comfort zone is working against you. Keep in mind - if you want to break a comfort zone, then it won't feel "comfortable" to expand your horizons. But you do need to do this.

Good posting, Gideon.

OP,
27 is in no way "too late" to find a mate.

Though I wasn't a virgin in my 20s (lost mine in HS before I became of faith a year later in college), lived like one in my 20s and really tried to find a good Christian woman to date and marry. But it seemed like I didn't exist to them, and got real frustrated.
Actually feared God had "forgotten" about me and the pledge I made to live a sexually responsible life. .

Dated but rarely got second or third dates until 26-27, when I intensified my dating and expanded my social circle.

Understand it's different for women, as I always thought they have more opportunities. However, there are some things you can do, like Gideon suggested, to get yourself out there.

Please read through this thread on another board.
Though it was originally directed to single, never-been-in-a-relationship men in their late 20s and 30s, some women participated and offered their perspectives. It might give you some ideas.

For those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s
_For those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s - LoveShack.org Community Forums

There's a lot of advice about getting out and leaving your "comfortable" places and meeting people, like church singles groups and other places.


As for me, I escaped singledom in my early 30s.
Just 3 mos. after I turned 30, met my future wife, a Christian, through a blind date set-up by her best friend. So God hadn't "forgotten" about me.:)

I knew her friend as a business acquaintance and during a business lunch with her, happened to blurt out my frustration with the type of women I was meeting in the town I lived.
Not sure why I felt the need to express my dissatisfaction with not being able to date women in their early 20s ( I couldn't relate) or women 40+/divorced/kids, which I really wasn't interested in @30.

She told me she had a friend in a neighboring city and asked if I'd be interested in meeting her. OF COURSE !!!

Oftentimes, people will say they'll set you up but never do.
But God bless this Christian woman as she did call me the next week and arranged a date with her and her husband and my future wife.

Now, don't go into a blind date thinking it will be roses and this will be the love of your life.
On mine, didn't sense she was that "into" me and feared it wasn't gonna work.
But what could I expect? We were strangers and had never met.
Wasn't like we knew each other from work or church.

But later, something kept gnawing at me that I needed to call her and get a real date, just her and I.

So please... don't always go on first impressions.
If I'd ruled her out and moved on, as I was used to doing in my early 30s, would've missed-out on enjoying a loving relationship with a woman that was just as lonely as me that I felt God brought us together.
 
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Johnnz

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Take some initiatives in getting out where there are guys. God basically leaves such matters up to us, rather than 'sending' someone. You will have some difficulties with guys wanting sex, as that's where so many are these days, even within the church. But there are good guys out there, and even some who may seem only interested in sex, if denied and given reasons, will rethink their values.

John
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Larry Mondello

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I've decided to have sex with a guy so that I don't need marriage. It may not be God's plan for me to get married and I'm tired of wanting that when it really doesn't seem like it's in the cards for me. I think I'm going to live my life by hooking up with this guy for a few weeks at a time, then going celibate for months, then hooking up again. Eventually I may get to the point where I can overcome my sexual desires and just remain single without hooking up with him, which is the goal I'm shooting for.

But this whole thing about wanting to experience sex and being worried that I may never get to is only making my sex drive stronger. If I could have it a few times I may even be able to feel comfortable being single and entirely celibate because it will answer my questions (I have a lot of curiosity about sex) and settle the matter that I am not going to die a virgin or without experiencing a close attachment with a guy. I think this is what's making it so hard to be celibate right now.

Oh... hadn't read this part of the posting after the diversion on marriage.

OP.... PM'd you my thoughts on all this.
If I don't hear from you, will post those thoughts here.
 
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Larry Mondello

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You will have some difficulties with guys wanting sex, as that's where so many are these days, even within the church. But there are good guys out there, and even some who may seem only interested in sex, if denied and given reasons, will rethink their values.
True.

Didn't press women for sex, but if the woman seemed receptive and didn't resist, didn't necessarily stop.
That said, didn't really have much sex when single, only 2X or so through all my 20s (except for some "everything...but" with a couple of Christian women in my late 20s...)

However, many women did decline and stated why, so had no problem with that as I really wanted a relationship over only sex.
 
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