Causes of Singleness

[JustSomeBloke]

Quiet appeals to some; not all. So does energy. Neither are right or wrong. Why does there have to be good and bad?

I don't believe in apologizing for my divine makeup. Nor do I expect the same from anyone else. If God wanted me to be a church mouse I'd be one. He fashioned us in different ways.

I'm equally difficult for someone who lacks my temperament. If you're positive, a doer and goal-driven we'll get along. But some people don't want that. They want to come home and relax. Not have another task.

It goes both ways.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

There is nothing wrong with being loud or quiet, or being attracted to either of those types. My point was that the 'winners' and 'losers' might not be easy to spot.

And nobody is going to tell you who to date or marry. That's your choice. I made a list because I thought it might help people to think about what they might do differently, or areas to take action to improve their chances of meeting a life partner. If what you are doing is working for you then you have no need of such a list, although you are of course very welcome to comment on it, and I welcome your criticism because that's how we advance our views and knowledge.

Where are you on Maslow’s scale?

Maslow's pyramid/hierarchy is interesting, but I think some modifications would be needed to make it useful for Christians, not least because God does not feature anywhere in it.

 

[Sketcher]

Maslow's pyramid/hierarchy is interesting, but I think some modifications would be needed to make it useful for Christians, not least because God does not feature anywhere in it.

I find it useful for myself. How we think about it determines its usefulness. It's possible that martyrs are the exception to the rule here, but I'm obviously not a martyr right now, nor am I expecting to soon become one.

I also find it instructive to my singleness situation. If I believe that dating someone will put my belonging and love needs or my safety needs at risk, then I'm not going to date that person. And of course, a date that would put one's physiological needs at risk is so beyond the pale that it's not considered a date.

 

[bèlla]

.

 

[HisGraceAbounds]

7,8,11,12,17,18

In addition, I'm just not a very nice guy. I'm polite but I'm not friendly. I don't joke around with people I don't know. I hold myself to very high standards, and that means I hold others to high standards. I rarely smile or laugh.

I don't have kids. I don't want kids. I don't particularly like kids. Kids is a major, bigtime dealy-o for most folks.

I realized about a year after my divorce that I was likely to be alone for the remainder of my life, and I was okay with it. The number of things I would have to change about myself to be more attractive to women are things I'm not capable of doing. I'm not going to suddenly enjoy people or become a friendly, smiling dude. I'm never changing my stance about kids.

 

[Niels]

17. Not actively looking because happy being single, not ready for a relationship, or feel demoralised by the search process.
18. Interests, hobbies and activities are so esoteric that few potential partners can relate.

I can relate to these two the most. Unfortunately, even sharing similarly esoteric hobbies only goes so far. It can certainly help, but there also needs to be some kind of spark. We should be on a sufficiently compatible wavelength to sustain the relationship.

Although I don't feel demoralized or unready, I'm realistic about my prospects. I'm only ready for the right kind of relationship. And that's just to get things started. It can take a while to figure out if they're truly compatible.

 

[bèlla]

.

 

[Robert Wrightly]

12. Very little experience of dating or interacting with the opposite sex, and never really learning how to flirt.

Good thing flirting is unnecessary, otherwise I'd have never had a date before.

Here's a couple more.

1. You have other things in life you'd rather pursue than a relationship.
2. You're not so interested in finding someone that you'll go out of your way. If you meet someone and hit it off, cool, but otherwise whatever. (This is kind of #1 restated.)

 

[sampa]

. 1. Work/social/church doesn't result in contact with many potential matches.

5. Thinking that God will provide a partner if He intends you to have one, but not putting in much effort to find someone. (I kissed dating goodbye comes to mind and also a book by Elizabeth Elliot)

6. Taking so long to get over previous relationships and crushes that little time and energy remains for finding someone new. (In this situation I dug into God's word and began searching at libraries for answers. Speaking to about 30 pastors by phone and visiting many churches and traveling to move forward. I ended up having a deeper relationship with the Lord and the person ended up recontacting me and 8 mths later)

8. Often being drawn to people who excite, but are ultimately a poor match for a stable, long-term relationship.

9. Becoming physically or emotionally attracted and attached to people who have too many unresolved issues to be a realistic prospect.

12. Very little experience of dating or interacting with the opposite sex, and never really learning how to flirt.

17. Not actively looking because happy being single, not ready for a relationship, or feel demoralised by the search process..

So I've experienced some of these listed above in the quotation along the process. I also might add maybe some walls being so high that it's hard for someone to break through. I don't know how many times, even dating before I was a Christian, guys that were attracted to walls that I had of wanting to figure out how to get through. Those walls were up as protection to keep myself from getting crushed. Starting at 14yrs old, not wanting any man to ever destroy my heart.

Where I have been in this process has changed through each decade. Hopefully I have evolved and resolved many of those things that were holding me back.

Number 17 was probably a resolve for some years not to ever marry. There were health reasons for that choice and just fatigue with repeated circumstances of someone of mutual interest eventually going for someone else.

Also might add to the list, constantly moving not having one address. I had 30 plus addresses within 13 years. Some of them were just temporary training exercises, but nonetheless my mail was sent there.

 

[CoffeeClaw_1986]

Just a few thoughts I've had recently about causes of singleness. Maybe it will provoke some debate and be helpful, maybe not. They are not listed in any particular order.

1. Work/social/church doesn't result in contact with many potential matches.

5. Thinking that God will provide a partner if He intends you to have one, but not putting in much effort to find someone.

7. Suffering from shyness and anxiety when trying to meet and talk to potential partners.

10. Lack of confidence is readily apparent and proves a turn-off to potential matches.

12. Very little experience of dating or interacting with the opposite sex, and never really learning how to flirt.

15. Becoming depressed by the matching process, and potential partners picking up on the negativity.

17. Not actively looking because happy being single, not ready for a relationship, or feel demoralised by the search process.
18. Interests, hobbies and activities are so esoteric that few potential partners can relate.

I relate to these the most, particularly 1, 7, 12, and 15. There's never really been people close to my own age at the churches I've attended. I've met people at work (primarily customers in retail, who had been interested, but faith-wise, we were incompatible. I'm a homebody, so don't really get out much when I'm not working I'm introverted, and it takes me a little while to come out of my shell with folks, so to speak. The matching process is very demoralizing, as well, as the types of people I've matched with on dating sites are less than desirable, and I also feel part of that hinges greatly on my physical appearance (I really could stand to drop some weight and make other improvements). I feel like a lot of these things really hinders me greatly in being able to find someone.

 

[Noxot]

I’m focusing on Esteem and Self-Actualization. Where are you on Maslow’s scale? Do you know your MBTI and Enneagram results? I’m an ENTJ-A and 3/378 Mover & Shaker

my self-knowledge is less systemized. part of it is about discerning the spirits acting upon and in me. it feels like the pyramid would put too much of a limit on what life is. I don't know how authentic those tests can be, I guess they would be better than astrology. Jordan Peterson didn't seem to think highly of mbti, hopefully that wasn't only because he's shilling his own personality test. never heard of the Enneagram thing.

what is there to do in life once you have salvation? once you're near to God what is left but being in the world? even if I understand ultimate truths, people living the life of God in the world are superior to me. all that seems left for me is an act in the world. I don't think I have much to offer. what I see set before me is boredom and slavery for food and shelter, and coexisting with a lot of alien souls even though they're all my brothers and sisters. this body is a worthless ragdoll to me now. I have lost my drive to be in this world. the entire world is fabricated by people to try to make meaning in a hard situation. it's just not appealing to me. I can't think of anything to do that God wants and that I want. the world is too limited.

if my situation is that I'm strongly cursed by apathy and by a complete death of my "Industrialness", then I wouldn't know how to get out of this in a way that does not involve dying. God might be calling me to it. extreme asceticism because of a singular desire. I feel too naked in this world, I have a need to be under his wing without bodily concerns.

 

[bèlla]

what I see set before me is boredom and slavery for food and shelter, and coexisting with a lot of alien souls even though they're all my brothers and sisters.

I had a thirst for life before my return to God. It hasn't lessened. Pursuing my purpose excites me.

if my situation is that I'm strongly cursed by apathy and by a complete death of my "Industrialness"

It sounds like acedia. Kathleen Norris wrote a book about it and shared her path to wellness.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[MehGuy]

My main personal reason I am single is because I don't want to be in a relationship right now.. I have personal issues I want to deal with first.

 

[Noxot]

My main personal reason I am single is because I don't want to be in a relationship right now.. I have personal issues I want to deal with first.

seems like most everyone has personal issues but I guess some of us got enough to where it would be no good for us to be in a relationship.

 

[Noxot]

I had a thirst for life before my return to God. It hasn't lessened. Pursuing my purpose excites me.



It sounds like acedia. Kathleen Norris wrote a book about it and shared her path to wellness.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

I understand a thirst for life if you're talkin about spiritual life. that is not what the elites and the majority of human beings are up to. I don't know how to give birth to a worthy life in and for the world. more than human beings, it is God who is our neighbor. the more difficult path is to be a light in the world, to fight against the various evil spirits who Proclaim what the world should be like. it's easier to trample over other slaves so that one can live in the Master's house rather than out in the fields. and that's probably why everyone is fighting over shallow things. by the mere power of relative poverty everyone is conquered by a hamster wheel. I am dead because the majority of human beings are dead.

if there were actual leaders in this world that wanted to change things for the better I would follow them but all I see is a whimper.

 

[Noxot]

but then again on the positive side I have greatly enjoyed my time in the world. everyone has a measure of True Life in them, and being the way people are is often Superior to those living in the horrors of a hundred years or 200 years ago. there's nothing left for me to do in this world. working 8 hours a day, using the bathroom, eating food, having shelter, maintaining bodily health and struggling to breathe air properly are all annoyances and most would tolerate doing this for fifty more years after they get burned out of it. being a corruptible creature is only so novel and only so useful. the world is full of arbitrary suffering. it is designed this way. it is optional. people do not realize this and so they have much unneeded sorrow. but it is always nice when you can derive true-life from what you are in and what you are doing. this life can contain no soul, their souls are far more valuable than the entire planet. if I had to pick one soul or the destruction of this entire world I would pick the soul.

 

[bèlla]

I understand a thirst for life if you're talkin about spiritual life.

I love my life. God has given me breath and I plan to enjoy every minute I can. I volunteered in a hospital in my freshman year of high school. I worked in radiation therapy, the pharmacy, and the cancer floor. I took the book mobile around on Fridays. I wanted to get out of the office and see the patients.

I saw many phases of suffering. People responded differently. But seeing their condition made me realize the blessing of my own. That played a part in my attitude when I faced my own health challenges. Making the most of ones circumstances was my motto. I couldn't change the disease. But I could control my attitude.

I believe in possibilities. Morbidity has no place in my mind, heart, or spirit. The devil won't get a foothold in me in that way. I was called to the kingdom for such as time as this.

And that's an active state.

Not reactive.
Not defeatist.
But victorious.

We can walk in the victory of Christ's suffering or hang our heads in defeat. Every day is a blessing. There's a lot of people who wish they had the same.

The bible says, let everything that has breath praise the Lord. We aren't called to exist. We're forged to make a difference. Some of us have forgotten that.

Yours in His Service.

~bella

 

[Noxot]

I love my life. God has given me breath and I plan to enjoy every minute I can. I volunteered in a hospital in my freshman year of high school. I worked in radiation therapy, the pharmacy, and the cancer floor. I took the book mobile around on Fridays. I wanted to get out of the office and see the patients.

I saw many phases of suffering. People responded differently. But seeing their condition made me realize the blessing of my own. That played a part in my attitude when I faced my own health challenges. Making the most of ones circumstances was my motto. I couldn't change the disease. But I could control my attitude.

I believe in possibilities. Morbidity has no place in my mind, heart, or spirit. The devil won't get a foothold in me in that way. I was called to the kingdom for such as time as this.

And that's an active state.

Not reactive.
Not defeatist.
But victorious.

We can walk in the victory of Christ's suffering or hang our heads in defeat. Every day is a blessing. There's a lot of people who wish they had the same.

The bible says, let everything that has breath praise the Lord. We aren't called to exist. We're forged to make a difference. Some of us have forgotten that.

Yours in His Service.

~bella

well said. suffering and negativity don't have to be evil at all. Job, Jonah, and Jeremiah are all near to God. they are all names for the Holy Spirit, just like Elijah is a name for him. all partake of the father and the son because the father provides for our perpetual existing and the Son for our mind, but the Holy Spirit is divine oil, holyfication and love... it is influx of divine personality.

the diversity of souls God has is overwhelming to me and there are many places in the wilderness. God makes the way to himself and he is the way, so the way is greater than anyone can comprehend.

interesting to watch a childhood movie again, there is wisdom in that cartoon and the baboon seems like a cross between a shaman and a zen person. truth truly is everywhere. the living and the dead both belong to him, Darkness and Light look the same to him and he does his will in us regardless if we want it done or not because he fulfills and completes all things and is more interior in us than we are ourselves. still, no one wants the worst ichor of a dragon's saliva. overall in Genesis he called creation very good but he did not call the Beast of Hades good, the new Earth has no sea. once Leviathan is slain he will divide it in portions and give it to whom he pleases. we all have our lot in life.

 

[DragonFox91]

High school was horrible. I was always the loner. I made massive strides in college, but by the time I had my confidence up to the level it should've been, it was time to graduate college. Meeting single women is a lot harder after you graduate.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Nothing to add really - that's pretty comprehensive, I must say.

18 is definitely me. It's getting to a stage now where I'll just end up stifling myself. For the world is full of lovely women who will totally understand so long as I understand that there's healthy balance to be had.

I honestly have no excuses now. I can't even use the "not ready" excuse, because my last proper long term relationship was a decade ago. I'm not even the same person I was.