Can't forgive someone

[sparkydave]

I dated a girl two years ago. We clicked right away, much like my ex-wife and I did, but she was pushing hard for a marriage commitment after only a few weeks and was trying to move things along way too quickly. When I pushed back she didn't think she was moving things along too fast, but all my friends (even my ex-wife) thought she was.

We broke up for a month, and she went out with lots of childish text messages calling me "gay" among other things. After some pondering on my part, I thought I blew it, and approached her again. We got back together, and things seemed better for a little while. I went camping with her family and met her folks, who seemed like decent folks, although I thought it strange that at one point her mom (seemingly joking) said "Why would you want to date our daughter? She's away at the moment, run now while you can!". I thought it was some good-teasing, I already got the impression she was high maintenance.

For many reasons, I realized she was not for me. I broke up with her, and just like the first time, she started sending nasty text messages. I prepared this time, and had signed up with parental controls for blocking numbers just before I broke up, anticipating that she would do this again. Sure enough, after the first one started, I blocked her number. But that wasn't enough. She started sending nasty grams through Facebook. Blocked her on Facebook. Then she sent a nasty gram from her WORK e-mail sent to my work e-mail. REALLY?? Grow up already! I was so tempted to forward that on to her employer (she's a social worker) or at least lodge a complaint with her employer, but figured that could go badly for me if they fired her.

My friends were already aware that this was going on, and figured I dodged a bullet by breaking up. I posted a Facebook status saying "Maybe her parents weren't joking when they said 'Run now, while you can!''. Okay, bad call on my part, especially since I didn't know her mom was snooping and could see what I posted. Ruh roh.

Well, I got a nasty gram from her mom calling me more nasty things (gay among them), added that her gay friends think I'm one of them, and said she had said that because she didn't think I was right for her precious little angel. Well, glad we got that cleared up. I deleted my offending post and blocked her mom as well. I really wanted to reply, especially since she exposed her daughter in a lie in her email, but I didn't.

Fast forward to early last summer. I was feeling down, mostly because I lost my wife, though we stayed friends. I went through Celebrate Recovery, and while it helped, one of the hurdles was trying to forgive the crazy ex-girlfriend and her mom. I found out she was engaged 4 months (!) after we broke up, and had just gotten married. I try to be happy for her, and I pray heavily he never has to see her true colors.

I guess I'm still resentful that she and her mom are deceitful, she resorted to harrassing, spamming, lying, name-calling, and yet she found someone. I know I shouldn't be resentful. It also bugs me that her mom is probably either unaware or approves of all these things she did, but I'm still the bad guy in their eyes and her daughter his just the perfect little angel in her mom's eyes. I pray for her happiness, and pray her hubby never has to see her true colors.

I keep thinking if I run into them again, I'll have to bite my tongue not to say "Well, you can thank me for not calling the police to have her cited for harassment, and you can thank me for not notifying her employer that she abused her work e-mail and broke the law."

 

[mjmcmillan]

This is one time when I doubt that you could forgive in person. That would just create more trouble. The thing to do here is just bring it before God, asking Him to help you deal with this. Forgive in your heart, realizing that "they don't know what they do" so you can be healed of it.

I have been going through it with my ex and her son (before she met me), and the troubles are still ongoing. Of course I'm evil, deceitful and extremely selfish not to mention being an all-around bad guy, according to them, so what I say here is what I have had to do. It's really the only way I get any peace, since the alternative just doesn't work well.

As far as returning evil for evil--- don't. It's bad enough that she did all those things, so even if you could get her in trouble without it bouncing back onto yourself, don't do it.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

That's strange, I saw this after I just got done posting in another thread what a deacon at church said. If someone is constantly splashing you in the face with hydrochloric acid, just because you forgive them doesn't mean you have to keep coming back for more acid. Her new victim... um, husband, probably will see her true colors eventually, but you probably know already that trying to warn him would lower you to her level of gossip and slander.

I hear you on the resentment that a person like that found someone, while I gather you haven't. I'm 48, and I'll be celebrating my fourth anniversary with my husband in about six weeks. There were other husbands before him, but those marriages were abusive and dysfunctional, and it took me until almost my 43rd birthday to find the real thing. But I did. A quality gourmet meal takes longer to cook than a microwave burrito, but which would you rather eat?

Oh, one more thought--there is a reason, I think, that the Lord said vengeance is His. That's because He is so much better at it than we are. It is tempting to give them what's coming to them, but in the long run it's better to let God do it. One of two things will happen. Either they will repent and be forgiven and put on a new life, which is the best case scenario, or God will give their own medicine back to them in ways we could never even dream of.

 

[sparkydave]

Thanks to both of you, I appreciate it. No, I'm not trying to stoop to her level or make trouble for them. I deleted her text messages and e-mails once they finally seemed to give up on their tirade, figuring I wouldn't need them as evidence anymore.

Interestingly, one of her favorite sayings is that Karma will someday bite you in the posterior, so I figure she may someday see the wisdom of her own words.

Like I said, I pray for them. Her mom has had some health problems in the past, so I pray for her too. It's not easy to "love thy enemies", but I try.

 

[singpeace]

I dated a girl two years ago. We clicked right away, much like my ex-wife and I did, but she was pushing hard for a marriage commitment after only a few weeks and was trying to move things along way too quickly. When I pushed back she didn't think she was moving things along too fast, but all my friends (even my ex-wife) thought she was.

We broke up for a month, and she went out with lots of childish text messages calling me "gay" among other things. After some pondering on my part, I thought I blew it, and approached her again. We got back together, and things seemed better for a little while. I went camping with her family and met her folks, who seemed like decent folks, although I thought it strange that at one point her mom (seemingly joking) said "Why would you want to date our daughter? She's away at the moment, run now while you can!". I thought it was some good-teasing, I already got the impression she was high maintenance.

For many reasons, I realized she was not for me. I broke up with her, and just like the first time, she started sending nasty text messages. I prepared this time, and had signed up with parental controls for blocking numbers just before I broke up, anticipating that she would do this again. Sure enough, after the first one started, I blocked her number. But that wasn't enough. She started sending nasty grams through Facebook. Blocked her on Facebook. Then she sent a nasty gram from her WORK e-mail sent to my work e-mail. REALLY?? Grow up already! I was so tempted to forward that on to her employer (she's a social worker) or at least lodge a complaint with her employer, but figured that could go badly for me if they fired her.

My friends were already aware that this was going on, and figured I dodged a bullet by breaking up. I posted a Facebook status saying "Maybe her parents weren't joking when they said 'Run now, while you can!''. Okay, bad call on my part, especially since I didn't know her mom was snooping and could see what I posted. Ruh roh.

Well, I got a nasty gram from her mom calling me more nasty things (gay among them), added that her gay friends think I'm one of them, and said she had said that because she didn't think I was right for her precious little angel. Well, glad we got that cleared up. I deleted my offending post and blocked her mom as well. I really wanted to reply, especially since she exposed her daughter in a lie in her email, but I didn't.

Fast forward to early last summer. I was feeling down, mostly because I lost my wife, though we stayed friends. I went through Celebrate Recovery, and while it helped, one of the hurdles was trying to forgive the crazy ex-girlfriend and her mom. I found out she was engaged 4 months (!) after we broke up, and had just gotten married. I try to be happy for her, and I pray heavily he never has to see her true colors.

I guess I'm still resentful that she and her mom are deceitful, she resorted to harrassing, spamming, lying, name-calling, and yet she found someone. I know I shouldn't be resentful. It also bugs me that her mom is probably either unaware or approves of all these things she did, but I'm still the bad guy in their eyes and her daughter his just the perfect little angel in her mom's eyes. I pray for her happiness, and pray her hubby never has to see her true colors.

I keep thinking if I run into them again, I'll have to bite my tongue not to say "Well, you can thank me for not calling the police to have her cited for harassment, and you can thank me for not notifying her employer that she abused her work e-mail and broke the law."

Dave,

It is so difficult to let offenses run off our backs like water... but we MUST. It is the gentle answer that turns away wrath. When we return love for hate, good for evil, and kindness for wrong, we take the power away from the enemy.

Ephesians 6:12
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.


Proverbs 15:1-4
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
2. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. 3. The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. 4. A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.

Romans 12:14-19
Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not. 15. Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. 16. Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. 17. Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.