I am terrified. I have lost my opportunity to be saved. I realized a little over a year ago. I did what the rich young ruler did. God asked him to sell all of his possessions and to follow Jesus. God asked me to lay down (give up) a relationship I was in and to follow Jesus. We both went away sad. I married the person. I know I am not saved, born again. I have high anxiety and am in despair. No one understands. They are all trying to convince me that it is not too late and that God will forgive me, but every time I try to believe that I know that I am lying to myself. I do not have peace and assurance about salvation. God spoke to me many times about not getting married. I knew I was doing the wrong thing when I went through with it, I had a lot of anxiety that I just stuffed away and ignored. My conscience even told me that I would go to hell if I got married. I'm 34, what am I supposed to do now? It's impossible for me to be a wife and a mother now. And worse, the terror of eternity in hell. I cannot change this. I wish someone could prove me wrong but its been awhile and I cannot get saved. My life and eternity are ruined, and I've lost everything.
I don't have the same experience but allow me to be vulnerable with you and everyone for a minute...
I was raised in a Baptist church, believing spiritual gifts had died and Charismatics were "of the devil". I was "saved and baptized" into this church's doctrine. I joined the Army when I was 18 and grew away from the church. I married still a virgin by some miracle, but grew more and more evil.
When I was just 21/22 and only a year or so married I had an affair. Told my wife and we lost a child due to still birth I believe as a result of this. Still I did not come back to God. I deployed to Iraq 2 more times before the Army moved me and my family of 4 now to North Carolina. When I arrived there I fell into DEEEEP depression and nearly killed myself. I even had another affair on my wife. In between the two events I knew God was calling me back and I tried to reconnect with a church but I didn't have the strength, nearly had another affair with some strippers. Just was not in a good place.
One day, in North Carolina after many doctors, therapists and medicines God, Jesus spoke to me in an audible voice. He healed me! He did what none else could do. Instantly in that moment I had a peace I had NEVER had before and it was AMAZING! I joined myself to a church, this time an Assemblies of God church and actually become an ordained minister in that denomination. Some thing happened and my family was offended, so I left the church and had to forfeit my credentials. We stayed in church though and my faith stayed strong. We moved to Kansas after a time and I left the Army and things took a quick turn for the worst again.
After some time, I fell into a worse depression than before. Nearly killed myself again, multiple times. Had several more affairs. Went 2 months practically without eating or sleeping. I lost nearly 20 lbs in just a matter of weeks. Then one day God spoke to me again, this time gently, into my heart. This was actually just a month ago.
He told me he still loved me, and that he was waiting for me. Very gently and lovingly he took me back into his arms and carried me away into his peace and grace. Now here I am. I don't claim to be anybody of importance, but my story is not much different than any other.
God is not a man. His love has no limits. His mercies are new every day! EVERY. DAY. His grace is as vast as the universe. As long as you have breath, you have a chance to turn to him.
Repent of your disobedience. Spend some time with him, in peace and quiet. Tell him what is on your heart, plainly, he already knows and is just waiting for you to call on him. Let his forgiveness overwhelm you. Don't hold back from him. Forgive yourself! That is hard to do! Trust me I know! But you have to to experience God's full love and grace.
God bless you! I will pray for you!
